Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

@Iloveacurry

Why doesn’t your DH reduce HIS hours to care for his father?

Of course, the thought never occurred to him because he's a sexist, selfish person. There's zero way that would ever happen because he considers this beneath him and his time more important. He's not around to do grunt work.

At least he is being so ridiculous you can call it him out on it. He can give up his own time to care for FIL which means he needs to change his job.

He will soon decide that actually care will just have to be paid for.

I love how he has no idea how much more mental load you carry because he doesn't even parent or do anything but suit himself and live in swanky hotels Mon-Friday!!!

Just saw your update, what a selfish twat. He expects YOU to care for HIS father. Eurgh, misogynist pigs give me the rages.

Then DH thought that it would be good if I reduced my hours at work and FIL would pay me a top up wage for any caring I did.

Agree with the others - this is a perfect solution if DH quits work and gets paid by FIL to care for him instead. Would also mean he's available to pull his weight with childcare during the working week.

How incredibly aggravating, I feel for you Op. Stand your ground whatever happens, I sense you will but just in case!

I am very glad that you are clear that your time is NOT his to volunteer!

What an absolute bastard! His life to remain exactly the same - apart from him safely money. Still living his life of luxury with no child or house responsibilities all week.

But you who have so much more on your plate day to day should be picking up caring for his Dad! Absolutely no way!

There could be some sense in his Dad being nearer to you but with the same level of care - or more - being paid for by your DH (from his big important job) but on the strict understanding that none of the caring fell to you. And that weekends weren’t to be consumed by this either.

Agree with the others - this is a perfect solution if DH quits work and gets paid by FIL to care for him instead. Would also mean he's available to pull his weight with childcare during the working week.

^^
This is also a great plan!

Please suggest the above op..

Don't suggest anything to this bastard, people like him don't work that way, you give them a chink in the rock and they'll create a canyon. You just repeat no, no, NO and do FA to enable anything at all. Nothing. No sorting, no looking up or suggesting alternatives. You're doing enough already.

Women used to do all this care but now men /society as a whole have decided we have to work full time too so that’s that! They can’t have it both ways 🙄

That’s the crux of the “care crisis” women used to do this for free now we don’t and panic ensues.

No. Don’t do it. For starters, what does your FiL want? He isn’t a parcel to be moved around at you DH’s will. What does he want? Does he want to move? If so, where to. And I’m damned sure that unless he is very unusual, he won’t want family members giving him intimate care.

My mum was very clear that she didn’t want to move but if she did, she would choose the time and the place. She would not countenance living with any of her children or us providing her with care. She insisted that she would have careers coming in and that there was no way any of us were going to be stepping into that kind of role.

Even if your FiL would be happy to move and for you to provide the care, you really don’t want to be in the position, particularly as the reality is that your DH won’t be doing any of it!!!!

If DH quits his job you can save on childcare costs. He can have the kids all day and take care of his dad. Sounds like a great idea.

Cheeky bugger.
So, your time, as you say, is his to generously give away.
Your DH has no idea how selfish he is being as he has no idea how much you already have to fit in to every day.
Don't give up your work unless you really want to. You're better off keeping your financial independence to be honest.

He is already a selfish arsehole working away all week leaving you with three young children and a job every week. That would be a thread on its own - he's choosing to do this. There's no way he absolutely has to do this job it would be very easy to find a job without this being the case. You are already missing out on having a proper marriage.

So to then expect you to take a minimum wage carer job for his father (you will be expected to do extra hours above the agreed ones of course) while he does zero and STILL works away? Outrageous.

Does he love you? Do you have a happy life together? A good marriage? What kind of husband doesn't want to see his wife and children week after week? He seems to set his life as being work (which is actually very easy and clear cut) while yours is 'everything else to support him and the kids he had to be respectable' is not loving.

I've worked with a lot of men in several different industries and man with three young children doesn't take a job that sees him away mon-fri. They just don't.

And he's too tight to shell out for proper carers or a home. What a Prince.

As many have said moving your FIL might not even be right for him. Does he even know if his dad has friends or a social life? Or does he just not want to drive 6 hours round trip?

Have a good think about all of it. He sounds selfish and unfair and tbh you might be just as well off as a single mum, since you are already. At least then you could date and have fun. Oh and I hope you have some kind of life outside the home and reliable babysitters during the week.

I can see how it would make sense for FIL to live closer. DH would be on hand if there was an emergency and able to visit if FIL was in hospital. It would be easy to pop round for a quick hello, particularly as DC get older and don’t have such early bedtimes. DH could drop in when he’s off work or maybe at the weekend. However, FIL still needs to have full care support. You’re not in a position to take over any care and neither is DH.

FIL doesn’t have any lunchtime meds and only eats ready meals so paying for this care visit is a waste of money
A waste of FIL’s money, which is his to waste or spend as he sees fit. Any money saved won’t go in DH’s pocket anyway so why does he care?

That’s the crux of the “care crisis” women used to do this for free now we don’t and panic ensues.

I feel too many women still do at the cost of their own health and future financial security. They're derided for being dependants and failing to make adequate provision for their own futures. And the women who refuse are subject to social coercion and moral panic about how unnatural, selfish and unfeeling modern women and families are.

OP you would have to be his social life. All of his people he sees, things he does, etc will all be gone. You would need to keep him company even if he had a carer.

If he really had NO social support where he is currently- no friends or activities then he could move into a assisted living facility/home nearer you so he could then have outings, friends, and of course care. Some of these villages are lovely. Big gardens, big common areas with plenty of space, organised activities etc. But of course they cost money and your stingy H won't want to shell out. He wants you to do it for free or for £9 PH.

But if this is just about what's best for dad - that's being around people who want to spend time with him and things to do. Not sitting in some flat with no friends and his DIL visiting because she has to.

NFW. Just none. He's a massive sexist twat.

This. What a presumptuous lazy fucking arsehole. If my DH pushed ahead with this it would end our marriage.

You sound like you're well aware of his knobbishness though. What's your plan OP?

I faced a similar situation except DP's relative would have been moving in with us.

I said to DP who would actually be doing the caring? He agreed it would be me.

I told him I would move out.

Elderly relative is now getting carers in three times a day and doing fine.

Stand your ground!

And can I just say that there are old people who sign up to do cruises all year every year - because it's cheaper than a care home. Nicer staff, better food, and activities on board.

OP what did you say when your 'D'H came out with his masterful plan?

Could dh be worried fil is frittering away 'his' inheritance on carers?

I’ve told DH to come up with a better plan because this one is incompatible with our continued relationship. He is still slightly agog that I don’t see caring for his father as part of the deal of being married to him.

He tried to claim that spending 4 nights a week in a hotel with no company was “very hard” compared to my life at which point actually told him to fuck off.

His working away is suboptimal sure, but with a triple nursery bill then we can’t afford for him to take a pay cut just now. My earning potential is suffering from all the bloody babies I’ve had. Hopefully in 3-5 years this will change.

Your DH is a selfish, sexist wazzock and no mistake.

I proper laughed at his idea that 4 nights a week alone in a hotel is hard work. He doesn't know he's born.

It's good that you're standing your ground, your updates are clearly showing that your DH has his eyes on how much he'll inherit, hence the "cost saving" he's talking about.

It really doesn't look as if he's thinking of you as anything but someone he can use.

My dH would be doing those weekend care trips with children but not me from here on. Zero input from you. And watch out for doing the parenting while he dies looks at options - no one does the parenting for you during the week while you get anything else done.