Don’t know if I’m BU. Caring for elderly FIL.

[untiednations]

FIL is infirm but lives independently with care visits. He’s 200 miles from us and the journey can take 6 hours sometimes due to traffic and conditions. There’s no one closer to him who’s willing/able to help.

DH wants to move FIL down to a flat on our estate so we can be closer and help him more while also maybe reducing the amount of care visits FIL receives because we will take over. The thing is, it’s not us, it’s me. DH works away Mon-Fri. I work full time and we have 3 kids in nursery. I don’t know exactly what we can offer to FIL if he moves. During the week I go straight from work to nursery, get the kids then home, bath, bed for them. Dinner and chores then bed for me. I don’t have time or energy or childcare to do anything for FIL in the evenings. At the weekends, if DH is doing FIL’s care we won’t be able to do day trips or anything. Not go away for a weekend or whatever.

Every time I try to engage with DH about this he says I’m being heartless, imagine if it was my own father, I’ve got a closed mindset, I’m selfish, accusing me of wanting to keep FIL at arm’s length. This is absolutely not what I’m feeling but I’m very worried about the impact this move might have on my life.

AIBU?

I can’t believe the sheer nerve of him. You work ft, you have three young kids and he also wants you to part care for his dad all whilst complaining how being completely looked after in a hotel four nights a week is so so hard. What an utter arse!

This is nuts.

You have 3 kids and a job. Your partner also works. Where would you find the time to care daily for an elderly relative?

This might be possible if you had hired carers doing the everyday stuff and you could visit now and then but suggesting you take the main caring role is completely unreasonable. Especially because you are likely to be the one who will end up with the lion share of the work...

It is likely that with time your FIL will only become more dependent and that would put a bigger strain on your family and would be putting your job at risk.

Be clear that your priority is caring for your 3 young kids and that this does not leave any time to safely care for a relative and that an alternative solution will have to be found.

To be honest if were you if your FIL cannot live in his own home with support from paid carers it might be time to look at residential care. That could be close to where you live to facilitate visits and would not be such a burden on your day to day life.

There is nothing selfish about not wanting to be a lifelong maid to everyone and ignore your needs...

Tell DH to buy a caravan. He and FIL can live in it while he travels around during the week so that your DH can save a little bit on care and help pick up the slack.

I told DH about this and he laughed out loud at the thought of you being able to help out!!!

He laughed even harder at your H claiming how difficult it was staying in a hotel 4 nights per week think DH wants to change jobs

Stay strong op!

By the way, had your H got any idea how physically hard it can be caring for someone, And how emotionally exhausting it is? Does he think it’s just a case of popping in and making PiL a cuppa and doing a spot of washing up? He needs to get real!

World’s tiniest violin for DH in his hotel room!

Has he got real yet?

This is the nuttiest thing I’ve ever read...! Any update OP? What on earth is your DHs motivation?

I'd tell him you're agog he's putting the needs of his DF

But is it even in the DF's best interests? Unless OP is a nurse/ doctor/ carer she is unlikely to be as experienced as the carers. They will know what to do in an emergency, will have some training and will be more interested in their job. The only person this plan benefits is the husband/ any other beneficiaries.

"He thought I could pop over in my lunchbreak"??

What?! He's clearly clueless about how much time and effort it takes to look after an elderly relative. You can't just pop in as and when, mudding through and missing days, that's not enough and unfair to both you and FIL. Also, when do you get to eat or have a break?? What happens when the children are ill? There will be a lot of sick/isolating days in nurseries and schools this term because of Covid.

He wants you to reduce your hours?! How about he reduces his hours or or takes a job where he's not working away from home?! Why have you got to make all the changes?

Oh it's hard to be a hotel 4 days a week, eating, dressing, showering, watching TV and sleeping without interruption, while you're at home alone caring for young children whilst trying to work as well! Well cry me a river! He's either stupid, delusional or a liar. Ridiculous and insulting statement.

Stay firm OP. The scenario can't and won't work in any way. Your FIL needs proper trained carers scheduled to come in at regular intervals or your DH needs to be around more.

@TW2013

I'd tell him you're agog he's putting the needs of his DF

But is it even in the DF's best interests? Unless OP is a nurse/ doctor/ carer she is unlikely to be as experienced as the carers. They will know what to do in an emergency, will have some training and will be more interested in their job. The only person this plan benefits is the husband/ any other beneficiaries.

It's very striking here that there's no mention of DH having even asked FIL what he wants. It may be a totally moot point if he's going to refuse to move!

If he wants his DF to move closer to you then he can move jobs so HE is closer and HE can do all the extra work with you chipping in as and when you can (not that you have any time but you could offer this). So every evening, most of every weekend etc. Or he could move his DF closer to his work so he can do the extra care every single evening after work. I just love it when other people generously offer my time or my money and then get the arseache when called out on it ...

Just wondering how this situation has evolved during the week.

Well I overheard DH telling FIL that moving here would be a great idea “because Untied will pop in each day and the kids will be visiting all the time then I’ll come over at the weekend” and I totally lost it in an extremely undignified way. I think we’re at stalemate now but did see his emails over his shoulder and he’s got a brochure coming from a local care home.

So he isn't listening to you or acknowledging your point of view at all, even now.

He is being extremely arrogant and is expecting you to just capitulate. Don't.

I think you have to say sure we can have FIL nearby once he is working locally and not travelling. Don't let him give you shit about not being able to make that money without travelling. Just shrug and say that's fine I understand. Make it his problem to solve. You are not able to add popping in to FIL to your long list.

If you get into a battle about this he will do everything in his power to win. His view of you as a person he needs to care about will vanish, so everything you do needs to ensure he doesn't lose sight of that. So that means leaving him with the kids for a week so he develops some empathy. Not doing things for him unless he shows appreciation - cut back to the basics. And building a social life for yourself by putting in place good child care for the week and making weekend arrangements. You need to act like a person not his personal housekeeper.

If you carry on trying to please him and doing shitloads of stuff in the home without acknowledgement you are participating in your own fate. They are his kids and it is his home.

Also get back to full time work ASAP. And be clear that the household needs extra support and that does not come from your salary alone. A cleaner twice a week and child care, minimum.

If he's got the big job he can afford it. Don't let him off the hook. Stick around the relationships board for a taste of what you could be in for if you let this slide and carry on doing all the extra stuff.

And you will also see how far women get with discussions. Because men dig their heels in and it becomes about them proving a point. It's only once you leave they realise what pricks they are being.

It's not stalemate, because you're not going to do it.

Make that very clear.

And if it goes ahead, 'Well, I told you I wasn't going to do it.'

Or tell your arse of a husband he has to choose. His father or you.

I think you have been restrained not having lost it far far earlier. I hope FIL heard.

Oh my goodness, what a selfish prick.

Could he be more disrespectful or dismissive.

How can marriages survive such blatant disregard.

I don't believe for a second this is a one off.
This is who he is.

Probably one of those husbands who chooses to work away but are oh poor me at the same time.

I worked with loads of them 30 years ago, surprise, surprise they all had very young children and went home twice a month.

So selfish.

OP, I hope you have a firm grip on your financials.

I would suggest you siphon money away in an account he doesn't know about.

When you are married to the likes of your husband, anything can come down the tracks.
Being prepared is a wise move.

So he’s actually looking at care homes and not assisted living or retirement plus or an ordinary house?
If it is a care home , then your not going to be doing anything! They do it for you. You don’t even have to visit. Your ‘Dh’ does understand that a care home will cost upwards of £800 per week????? That’s his inheritance gone very quickly. Mil is costing us £48k a year (dementia).

If FIL has plenty money, why does he not move closer and continue with his current Package of care, or have a live in carer which is as cheap as a residential home. If he does not want to pay for a care call at lunchtime, look for something like Appetito who will drop off a ready heated meal and check someone is ok, get them a drink and phone NOK if any concerns. Almost as good as a care call and you just pay for the meal. They will also put a packed tea in the fridge for later. Once Covid has settled more, maybe he could go to a local Age UK for meal/ company/ activities?

Forgot to mention that your DH should look into extra care housing, where you buy your own flat but pay for a care package. Most of them have communal meals and will do your housework and laundry and then you pay for whatever you need on top of that. They are great for people starting to struggle but not really ready for residential home. McCarthy and Stone are an example of this kind of housing.

Bloody hell! What an utter selfish shit bag!

Bloody hell, he really doesn't get it, does he?!

And he's misleading his DF which is really unfair.

Please don't be bullied or guilt-tripped into this. Be firm. The FIL needs proper, reliable and regular carers.

Has it finally got through to him that you popping into to see FIL every day just isn't going to happen, OP? It's extraordinary that he was still saying you were going to do it even after you had made it clear that you weren't. Did he imagine that he was going to persuade you to change your mind, or somehow magic up some way of you finding time to do this?