to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I stopped working after the birth of my son. That was 13 years ago. I now have 10 year old twin daughters. I now do work here and there as an ESOL teacher and am a ICF life coach.

I do not struggle to find things to discuss with my husband. Like any relationship, this will ebb and flow.

We are a partnership. It is our life we have built together. It is not his and hers. The important thing is to set the boundaries of the care. yes, you are at home with your child but you will still need time for your own mental well-being. I volunteered and was active in a charity.

You could set up that money is put aside for your retirement in your name or work out how to earn enough to put away.

There are all different family set ups. If you decide to stay fulltime, work with your husband to set up a fair split of work in the home and childcare that is needed. This is a partnership and should not fall completely on your shoulders. When I take on work, the division of care changes in my home even for that 2 or 3 weeks that I am working.

I have not regretted my decision. Best of luck.

@angelfishrock

working mummies

working mummies? Seriously

I know, I shuddered reading that too. There’s something about being described as a mummy by another full grown adult that makes me feel nauseous.

OP it's definitely worth looking at your pension amounts and your DH's and seeing what a difference it'll make if you don't work for a few years or not. My last 3 months of maternity leave were unpaid and no contributions made to my pension, we decided to make up those contributions when I returned to work so I didn't have a gap - and it was surprising just how big the contributions (employer and employee) to make up. I know my pension scheme has a calculator on the website where you can try out the effects of a gap in contributions etc.

Also have a look at the spouse's benefits from your DH's salary. The previous couple(?) of generations would have had a final salary pension which then left a 50% pension for a surviving spouse. My DH is still in a final salary scheme and pays far less than me per month (despite earning more) for a pension that will be 50% of his salary. In contrast, my (public sector but not final salary) pension is good but nowhere near as good - I pay in far more than him, for a pension that will be about a third of my lower salary. Consequently, the 50% spouse's pension is considerably lower.

Case in point: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/going_back_to_work/4005616-Starting-again-after-7-years-any-advice

even if DH and I do divorce, married women are legally protected and I’m confident I’ll be left with enough money to look after the kids and get back on my feet

@Sunnymummy77 I obviously don’t know your financial situation - you might be rolling in it - but you might also be surprised to find ‘married women’ aren’t particularly protected. And certainly not any more than ‘married husbands’.

At base line you’re entitled to roughly half of all assets, if you have dependent children who live with you, you may get slightly more of this share. Is this enough to buy a house/ flat outright as without a job you won’t get a mortgage?

You’re unlikely to get spousal maintenance - this is rarely awarded these days.

Child maintenance isn’t huge either. My ex earns over £100k and I get around £550 a month from him. Many (horrible) well off men also play the system putting their cash and salary in places that don’t count towards maintenance. I’ve heard of women whose husbands are big city fliers getting under £100 a month.

Being a single parent myself, I’ve met a lot of others. I’m fairly rare in still having a solid well paying job, house and not struggling every month to get by. And, by far, the most common thing I hear is women regretting giving up their financial independence. And they ALL ‘never thought their husband would do that to them’.

@thepeopleversuswork

Think you have misunderstood my comment.

I’m not discounting any well meaning advice from working mums. Or accusing them all of being judgemental.

When I talk about narrow minded mums - I’m talking ONLY about working mothers who JUDGE SAHM’s. And by judge I mean in a purely negative way - ie you are beneath me because you’re at home and not out working.

You may not have met any working mums like this but believe me they’re out there. One of my (ex) friends told me she would judge me if I didn’t go back to work, as “what would I be doing all day and where is my ambition?”.

Most of my friends are working mums and haven’t belittled my decision to stay home but there will always be working women who attack SAHMs as we are the minority and not conforming to what society now believes women should be doing. Probably not dissimilar from the criticism the first working mothers received from SAHM’s when they were the minority.

OP - I imagine the overwhelming majority of posters will have told you to go back to work at least part time as this is what most women do. And it works for most of them. It if you are different and know it will make you miserable then (IMO) don’t force yourself back to work. Look at ways to make sure you’re financially protected just in case something happens to marriage or DH (insurance pension etc)

And to the women who have commented purely to attack my use of the work “mummy” - seriously do you have nothing better to do. Bit petty and mean spirited. Is it really that awful to use the word mummy on mumsnet?

@Sunnymummy77 no judgement here! I think SAHMs have the hardest job in the world. I couldn't do it, but really admire those who do! You honestly don't get the recognition you deserve.

@Fallowdeerhunter

Some useful advice and you’re right - I am shocked to hear how little the high earning husbands get away with paying!! What utter tw@*s

Think you missed the part of my post that said I would be retraining (ie to get back to work) once DD is a little older.

Yes I realise I’ll need a job to get a mortgage if I did get divorced - but don’t think this is impossible even if I retrain at a much later age. And no not rolling in it by any stretch but would have enough assets to divide up and house both of us comfortably (with mortgages).

I just find it hard to believe that taking a couple of years or more out of the workforce - in my 30’s, while I’m married, will doom me to a life of poverty and financial destitution. People change careers all the time. It’s not unheard of for someone to get a new career at 40 or even 50.

Maybe I’m naive? And don’t mean to hijack your thread OP, or to discount the experiences of anyone who has had a hard time financially after divorce.

But I find the idea that once a baby turns one, it should be in childcare with mum back to work whether she likes it or not really restrictive. IMO it’s as oppressive as the old fashioned idea that all mums should stay at home if they want to work.

[quote Sunnymummy77]@Fallowdeerhunter

Some useful advice and you’re right - I am shocked to hear how little the high earning husbands get away with paying!! What utter tw@*s

Think you missed the part of my post that said I would be retraining (ie to get back to work) once DD is a little older.

Yes I realise I’ll need a job to get a mortgage if I did get divorced - but don’t think this is impossible even if I retrain at a much later age. And no not rolling in it by any stretch but would have enough assets to divide up and house both of us comfortably (with mortgages).

I just find it hard to believe that taking a couple of years or more out of the workforce - in my 30’s, while I’m married, will doom me to a life of poverty and financial destitution. People change careers all the time. It’s not unheard of for someone to get a new career at 40 or even 50.

Maybe I’m naive? And don’t mean to hijack your thread OP, or to discount the experiences of anyone who has had a hard time financially after divorce.

But I find the idea that once a baby turns one, it should be in childcare with mum back to work whether she likes it or not really restrictive. IMO it’s as oppressive as the old fashioned idea that all mums should stay at home if they want to work.[/quote]
Why do they have to be in childcare though? Why can’t their father look after them? Or both parents part time? It’s not restrictive at all. I do think you sound a bit naive tbh.

We all feel the Same - none of us want to leave the baby and go to work
No.Not true. I didn’t leave my baby.i went to work.I had no guilt returning to work
I really wanted to return,I’d kept in touch,I missed work. Mat leave was overall boring
I needed the stimulation and affirmation of work

@Sunnymummy77 I think it depends what job you want to do when you go back. Certain industries will be better than others at taking time off from. My good friend at work thought she’d take a year or so off when she had her second but 6 years later she can’t find anything suitable. She would have been earning about £70k in her role before she left and now she’s looking at retraining and going in at entry level. So obviously a big decrease. On the other hand I’ve stayed in the industry and had salary increases and also work has incredibly flexibly as I’ve been at the company a number of years, so I have plenty of time with my children and a good salary. Every case is individual though

Oh and YES @SentientAndCognisant love my children but couldn’t wait to go back! It’s not either/ or.

For men it certainly isn’t

Can you imagine a thread where men were posting and going on and on and on about the whys and wherefores of how many hours they work and when and aren’t they wonderful because so-and-so now earns less then them and they’re sooo much more stimulated than the unfortunates who have made different choices somewhere along the line.... it would seem like madness.

@1ucia

Can you imagine a thread where men were posting and going on and on and on about the whys and wherefores of how many hours they work and when and aren’t they wonderful because so-and-so now earns less then them and they’re sooo much more stimulated than the unfortunates who have made different choices somewhere along the line.... it would seem like madness.

No, because this isn't a problem men have, and that's precisely the point that a lot of people have been making.

No I ant imagine men posting such a thread because they don’t have equivalent issues
As a great many of us are saying the societal and institutional pressures on women are huge and onerous
No one ever calls a man out for working and maintaining his salary & career

@1ucia

Can you imagine a thread where men were posting and going on and on and on about the whys and wherefores of how many hours they work and when and aren’t they wonderful because so-and-so now earns less then them and they’re sooo much more stimulated than the unfortunates who have made different choices somewhere along the line.... it would seem like madness.

You think men are never proud of or boastful about their jobs, that no men feel superior because of their job choices and that they never see their work as part of their identities? Do you live in a closed convent?

I do think women are massively more insecure about their choices, yes definitely. That’s why any thread with SAHM in the title, or someone supposedly asking for advice on returning to work, run to 1000 posts. Every time.

I think women just need to accept that they can only comment on themselves really. Then just let it go and stop projecting their own insecurities into other people’s lives (that usually bear no relation).

I mean, so what if an accountant in Milton Keynes struggled to get back on her pay scale after a three year gap. Not great for her obviously, but what does it have to do with the social worker in Manchester who just joined an agency and was back in a week; or the woman in Devon who retrained for a new career during her time at home? Nothing!

There are so many ramifications of career / family life and so on, how can you even begin?

Also, so much of the experience of being a SAHM depends on whet you live. I mean, I was fine in this part of London where there’s loads to do in all weathers and the majority if women are SAHMs anyway so there’s a great support network, etc. If I lived in an isolated place, or an areas of few SAHMs, probably I wouldn’t have coped.

Also, it depends on your husband’s attitude. If he wants / expects you to return to work, then this will be another push factor. If he really doesn’t, then there’s obvious implications there.

@1ucia you have conflated many unrelated points into an incoherent post
Twice you’ve called women insecure and stated that posters can only comment on their own experience I think women just need to accept that they can only comment on themselves really
Surely if that is the case you’d only comment on the affluent women of London?

The actual reality is one can comment experientially eg direct experience and knowledge/observations. So it’s not limited to one can only comment on ones own experience

Also, the other bizarre thing, is that people on these threads always talk about the husband’s salary as if this is the main decision factor in whether they can afford to be a SAHM.

But nobody ever talks about assets. For instance, how much is your home worth? Is there a mortgage on it? Do you own other properties? What’s the deal if you split and could you survive / get another home on your share of the assets?

This is far more important than his salary - because he will take that with him obviously. It’s also more important than child maintenance because some men can hide money etc and spousal maintenance is largely a thing of the past.

If you know that you’d be fine with your half of the assets, then being a SAHM is not the risk people make out on here.

Simply having a job is only part of it. If your home is mortgaged to the hilt and you are up to your eyes in debt, the shift from a dual to single income is likely going to mean a lifestyle change regardless.

People need to stop talking about salaries really because if you’re going to be a long-term SAHM you need far far more certainty than that and you need to know that, if the marriage ended tomorrow, you would not be disadvantaged for the fact you gave up your earning potential. This is vital. You HAVE to have this certainty. Otherwise, fgs, don’t do it.

Sentient, I didn’t mean you, I was just talking about these threads in general.

I gave up a good job when my son was born and then my daughter 2yrs later. I never regretted it. I never thought of it as my husband's wage as my job was to care for out two children, I always felt I had the better deal. My friendships changed and I made some wonderful friends through my children. I'm glad I spent that time with them. Children grow up too quickly, if you have the chance spend these years before school with them, you'll be back at work soon enough.

Totally agree with 1ucia - pointless commenting or extrapolating everyone’s situations so different.

Also agree that work has changed. Few people start work plug away for 40 years climbing the corporate ladder then get their gold watch. Things are far more flexible now you have to be fleet footed. It’s not uncommon to change direction/ start businesses etc. Sometimes through choice or economic necessity. Almost all the women I know who were sahm are working again - it’s a life stage for most.

@1ucia makes an excellent point about the importance of marital assets versus salary. It’s all very well saying you felt like your DH’s salary was yours too @Wearethechampionsmyfriend but the fact is it wasn’t and you would have been hit with that reality like a tonne of bricks had you separated. The salary is only important while you’re together, and even then only if you have equal access to it. If you split, his salary has little bearing as even if he pays full CM the amount is surprisingly low.

I was a SAHM for 19 years, by choice. It was definitely right for us, and I was happy that way. Went back to work this year when my youngest started secondary, and have a job I love now.

I have no regrets - I wanted to be with my children and feel privileged to have had the option. Yes, I missed having "my" money, but it was worth it to have less family stress from trying itsqueeze in all the jobs at the weekend and get dinner on the table after a day at work.

I have been successful in going back to work after so long - I have a job I love now and feel good about earning money again. I had to retrain, working as a volunteer for nearly a year, but it worked out well for me.

I think if you trust your partner and he has a good attitude to it you can follow your heart on this.

I mean, so what if an accountant in Milton Keynes struggled to get back on her pay scale after a three year gap. Not great for her obviously, but what does it have to do with the social worker in Manchester who just joined an agency and was back in a week; or the woman in Devon who retrained for a new career during her time at home? Nothing!

There are so many ramifications of career / family life and so on, how can you even begin?

So do you just not believe in statistics or group trends? What's the point in tracking average salaries, it doesn't tell you anything about an individual's salary, right? Who cares what the chances of dying of a disease are, it won't tell me if I'll die of it? Who cares if crime is up or down nationally as someone else's house being burgled won't tell me if mine will be? I mean, it's an approach...

Obviously (so obviously that I'm surprised you felt it needed saying) no individual woman can predict the future. We do know broad trends - those who have prolonged time out of the workplace will, on average, earn lower salaries than their peers for the rest of their working lives. It's not silly or irrelevant to use this as part of your own risk calculation. Because that's what risk is - it isn't saying whether something negative will happen, that's soothsaying - it's judging the likelihood of it. So, actually, if other women in your sector do, on average, find it difficult to return to the workplace at their former level then the deeply irrational thing would be to ignore this, even though of course you might walk back into a higher level job the first time you try.