to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Totally agree, Hardback.

“So, actually, if other women in your sector do, on average, find it difficult to return to the workplace at their former level then the deeply irrational thing would be to ignore this, “

But this is my point - has anybody even bothered to ask what sector the OP works in?

Of course, as a general point, career breaks can be problematic. And of course, women face additional challenges in this area due to the biological fact of childbirth and societal expectations etc etc.

All I’m saying is, everyone is unique and, as a SAHM, it can get very irritating reading post after post from people telling you that you are doomed because you haven’t worked in x years and so on. People who have absolutely no idea about your life, your marriage, your financial security, your cultural perspectives, the sector you once worked in, your plans for the future... Do you genuinely think it never occurred to women, such as myself, what the potential pitfalls of being a SAHM might be? Yes, we might be in the minority these days and there are good reasons for this. But just credit people with the ability to look at their own lives and make their own decisions and stop telling them they are wrong because “general trends.” That’s all I ask.

But this is my point - has anybody even bothered to ask what sector the OP works in?

She told us on p. 2 that she works in accounts.

She also told us in the title that she's worried about giving it up, so in her case, there do appear to be implications.

Yes I thought there had been some mention of accounts. So would a more relevant discussion not have been along the lines of -

• What kind of company are you currently doing accounts for?

-How specific is your role?

• How flexible are they?
• Do you even want to return to work for that company, or are you looking for a change anyway?
• Are there any extra accountancy qualifications you would need to progress in this sector anyway and could you do this while “at home?”
• Could you do agency work in an emergency in this field?
• Did you fancy a career change anyway at this point?
• What are your DH’s feelings on the whole issue?
• Do you own your own home / other assets / how are your finances organised?
• What are the general job prospects like for your industry in the area you live in?

So many questions that only the OP can answer!

So the person who spent most of the thread telling us about her 'hundreds' of happy highly educated SAH friends giving up their jobs to provide a stress free home life to their 'extremely driven' husbands who earn more than the average annual salary in their coffee break, is now lecturing the rest of us on the importance of making relevant contributions?

Have you asked any of these pertinent questions yourself @1ucia?

@1ucia

“So, actually, if other women in your sector do, on average, find it difficult to return to the workplace at their former level then the deeply irrational thing would be to ignore this, “

But this is my point - has anybody even bothered to ask what sector the OP works in?

Of course, as a general point, career breaks can be problematic. And of course, women face additional challenges in this area due to the biological fact of childbirth and societal expectations etc etc.

All I’m saying is, everyone is unique and, as a SAHM, it can get very irritating reading post after post from people telling you that you are doomed because you haven’t worked in x years and so on. People who have absolutely no idea about your life, your marriage, your financial security, your cultural perspectives, the sector you once worked in, your plans for the future... Do you genuinely think it never occurred to women, such as myself, what the potential pitfalls of being a SAHM might be? Yes, we might be in the minority these days and there are good reasons for this. But just credit people with the ability to look at their own lives and make their own decisions and stop telling them they are wrong because “general trends.” That’s all I ask.

No one has said SAHP are doomed. They have in response to the OP asking been honest about their experiences.

How irritating for you ???
< looks for tiny violin>

I’m not going to tell the OP what to think or do because I have absolutely no idea and she didn’t come back to the thread.

The only reason I came on the thread was at the point where, predictably, there was the usual sly implications that SAHMs are naive. I wanted to challenge the usual predictable discourse on here that ALL SAHMs have definitively made the wrong choice; that they definitely are doomed and at great financial risk; that they have all “lost” themselves; that they are a poor role model to their children; they’ll be sorry when their DH’s leave them ... yadda yadda. I know for a fact and through from life experience that this is not the always and inevitably the case. Also there’s a difference between “advice” and projecting an agenda under the guise of “advice.”

Only the SAHPs can say whether they have lost themselves or it affects their MH surely.
Thats the lived experience of some SAHPs and this thread bears that out.
Anyone giving up their own salary without financial planning is at risk.
Personally I think this should be covered in schools.

I’m not going to tell the OP what to think or do because I have absolutely no idea and she didn’t come back to the thread.

What?

You make a list of questions we all 'should' ask but now say there's no point in asking them at all? Why are you saying we - but not you - should ask her all these questions when as you say she left the discussion days ago?

Also there’s a difference between “advice” and projecting an agenda under the guise of “advice.”

There are definitely some people here engaging in projection, but I'm not sure it's the people you say it is.

“Anyone giving up their own salary without financial planning is at risk.”

Yes I agree. So you do your financial planning.

Yes, @1ucia, it was very silly and presumptuous of us not to all start from the assumption that OP's DH is in the top 0.5% of earners and that they would have assets that, halved, would easily support her for the rest of her life without working. We obviously did this because we hate SAHMs

If you are so dim you need to be “taught in school” to do your own financial planning there’s no hope for you really.

The OP was driven off the thread probably, as usual on DAHM threads, because some people, for whatever reason, have a real chip in their shoulders about SAHMs and despite their best efforts, it stands out a mile and their posts reek with it. I’m not saying there isn’t some valid advice in there about taking steps to financially protect yourself, etc, But some of the comments like, “your DH will find you dull,” are just stupid. That’s not advice. It’s just being spiteful.

Accountants can get work anywhere, You could even go self employed. I can't see as this is difficult, mates have all got back to work in accounts after time out.

"your DH will find you dull,”

A lot of men find women who work very dull, all they can talk about is work colleagues, ot the job, lol. Whereas a sahp has so much to talk about and so much to do with their time that makes them interesting not just a circus act juggling work, housework, and kids.
So many divorces due to women having no time for their husbands, who go elsewhere.

So, you see you may as a worker think this, but bet your dh thinks otherwise.

Hardback - this is the internet so yes, open to everyone equally and not income-specific so there will indeed be people from all demographics and walks life and you never know who you’re talking to so it probably is best to never presume anything.

@1ucia

The OP was driven off the thread probably, as usual on DAHM threads, because some people, for whatever reason, have a real chip in their shoulders about SAHMs and despite their best efforts, it stands out a mile and their posts reek with it. I’m not saying there isn’t some valid advice in there about taking steps to financially protect yourself, etc, But some of the comments like, “your DH will find you dull,” are just stupid. That’s not advice. It’s just being spiteful.

Oh what bollocks. She left because she didn't actually want to get information for her decision, she just wanted validation and support for the choice she'd already made...and she didn't like hearing from women whose experiences didn't fit what she wanted to hear.

It's actually been a pretty civil thread as far as this topic goes. I think maybe one poster made that silly comment about becoming boring to your husband? And got refuted straight away.

Maybe she felt the “information for her decision” wasn’t being offered with the best intentions? Just a wild guess...

@1ucia

Maybe she felt the “information for her decision” wasn’t being offered with the best intentions? Just a wild guess...

Why on earth wouldn't it be? If she asks about being a SAHM and some women have reservations or bad experiences of it, why would they be ill-intentioned in answering the question honestly? If they thought it wasn't a good idea, they'd be better off indulging their evil urges by not telling her, surely.

This topic always gets heated and actually this looks like one of the more civil ones. You don't want to hear from women who wouldn't advise becoming a SAHM, don't start a thread asking that very question!

1ucia

"The OP was driven off the thread probably, as usual on DAHM threads, because some people, for whatever reason, have a real chip in their shoulders about SAHMs and despite despite their best efforts, it stands out a mile and their posts reek with it."

I really think that's a misrepresentation and while I think some of your comments have been fair, that one is out of order. There was that one comment about your husband finding you dull if you don't work but that was an outlier. The overwhelming majority of people were pointing out that for most women its a major financial risk.

I actually think the comments on the other side of the argument were much nastier: there was one woman who made a particularly bone-headed comment that "working mummies" just want to "think about work all day" and that usual hoary old trope was wheeled out "why have kids if you want to farm them out". Without apparently no sensitivity whatsoever that a large number of women literally have to work to ensure their children's survival.

By and large this thread has been constructive and civil and overwhelmingly motivated by good intentions.

As ShebaShimmyShake points out, the reason the OP dropped off the thread was almost certainly because the overwhelming volume of responses suggested she was unwise to leave herself without recourse to her own income. She only responded to posters who urged her to stay at home.

Maybe next time someone posts about being a SAHM, it should come under a massive heading -

YES I REALISE MARRIAGES CAN END AND I HAVE ALREADY FACTORED THIS IN THANKYOU VERY MUCH!

@1ucia

Maybe next time someone posts about being a SAHM, it should come under a massive heading -

YES I REALISE MARRIAGES CAN END AND I HAVE ALREADY FACTORED THIS IN THANKYOU VERY MUCH!

Why? A hell of a lot of them haven't and that's precisely the problem in many cases. Sorry, but most of us don't have pots of money and independently owned passive income.

OP herself stated that her marriage was bulletproof...perhaps it is, but we've heard from many women who thought the same, gave up work and got screwed over. Why do you think they're ill-intentioned or somehow in the wrong for sharing their experiences, when OP asked for them?

I been a sahm for the last 4 years since having my second child and I have not regretted it. My DH actually encouraged it and I was happy to devote more time to them. My DH and I are happy with our set up but he says when I want to go back to work I can and I think I will in the next couple of years but it will be part time. I think if you really feel torn I would go part time (even if it's just paying for childcare) because it's not just about the money, you can keep your foot in the door with your career and still get to spend a lot more time with your baby. Your child won't need paid child care forever just 2/3 years.

OP herself stated that her marriage was bulletproof...perhaps it is, but we've heard from many women who thought the same, gave up work and got screwed over.

Quite. It's shocking to me how many people come on here to ask advice about whether they should stop work: people point out that its financially unwise to stop work due to the risk of a breakup and the OP replies: "oh its fine, my marriage is great and I know my husband would do the decent thing if we split".

There's an old saying that you never truly know someone until you divorce them. You don't know and you can' ever really know. That's the whole point.

1lucia I disagree with you on many points but I think your argument is more valid from a financial standpoint than many of these wide-eyed girls who are effectively crossing their fingers behind their backs and and saying: "but its OK because I know he loves me."