to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I'm a SAHM hopefully in the short term but I do value a lot of information on these threads. It doesn't always make easy reading especially as the decision is made now for us although I have plans for reentering work force next year (time specific for certain reasons but won't go on about our particular situation)

It has caused me to reconsider the time I spend out of the workforce which I'll likely have reduced by about a year (although with the recession it may not be harder to go back, even though my industry is thankfully doing very well at the moment)

I don't regret our choice for a moment and DH and I are very happy but in hindsight I do wonder if part time would have been better purely for the financial security mentioned on these threads. I did go into this with open eyes though I believe.

One thing though - my DH laughed when I mentioned the comment about me being more boring now. He hated me going on about work all the time and finds this a welcome change! I've learnt so much about so many things (not least current affairs) that just didn't enter into my mind before because I was so focussed on work

We also think this period of cutting back a little (though we are thankfully comfortable still) has really taught us a lot about budgeting and saving that we think will benefit us hugely long term when I'm hopefully earning again. It probably says a bit more about how we were before than anything else (we were definitely spenders then even though we didn't think we were) but there we go

I have done many stupid things in my life but the only one that I regret is becoming a SAHM.

We had the visits to the park, the baking, the crafts, hundreds of activities, etc. He doesn’t remember any of it.

What he does remember is growing up with a mum working long hours and with very little money to spare as although his dad was a high earner (and so was her mum before she took 4 years off to be a SAHM) he is no no longer with us and I have been raising him in a combination of TC and badly paid jobs as my career never recovered from that “career break”

If you want to take spend more time with your child, go back part time. I can also assure you that the time you spend with your kid will be of better quality and more rewarding for both of you if you don’t spend 24/7 together.

Besides, keeping your financial independence is a good safety if things go wrong, how many women you see around here saying they can’t leave a bad marriage because they cannot afford the cost of living on their own. (Just a thought).

Having “pots of money” has nothing to do with being aware of basic facts - ie divorces rates. It’s the very reason most women do not SAH.

As I said, it’s reasonable to expect that if a woman is seriously considering being a SAHM, she is fully aware of this. Nevertheless, she still feels that SAH could be an option for her - eg maybe her work is more flexible than most; she knows there are assets that would protect her from the worst, etc

If the OP says thanks for the warnings, but she’s thought about all these factors and still thinks being a SAHM for x,y,z years is a reasonable option for her, then people need to just accept that and respect that she knows the ins-and-outs of her situation better than strangers on the internet. As opposed to hundreds of tales of divorces and men who are total wankers.

A bullet proof marriage??? I can assure you every single woman over the planet has thought that when things are right. Then life takes over...

@1ucia

Having “pots of money” has nothing to do with being aware of basic facts - ie divorces rates. It’s the very reason most women do not SAH.

As I said, it’s reasonable to expect that if a woman is seriously considering being a SAHM, she is fully aware of this. Nevertheless, she still feels that SAH could be an option for her - eg maybe her work is more flexible than most; she knows there are assets that would protect her from the worst, etc

If the OP says thanks for the warnings, but she’s thought about all these factors and still thinks being a SAHM for x,y,z years is a reasonable option for her, then people need to just accept that and respect that she knows the ins-and-outs of her situation better than strangers on the internet. As opposed to hundreds of tales of divorces and men who are total wankers.

Having pots of money is incredibly relevant. As I said earlier, if you don't think money is a concern then you've never had to go without it. It's not a crime to be privileged but it may affect the usefulness of your advice to someone who isn't. You live in a different world.

It is not at all reasonable to assume a woman has covered all her bases before giving up work, especially when she is asking for advice about it because she has concerns. We have threads on here every day from women who are stuck and screwed financially. We've had them post on this thread. Far from being nasty, bitter maligners of SAHMs, I think they're incredibly brave and selfless to share their mistakes in the hope of helping others. This is an area in which women are very often totally screwed over so no, I'm not going to assume that nobody needs to hear about the potential pitfalls, especially when they're asking.

What do you mean, people need to accept her decision? It's her decision, what are we going to do about it? But she started the topic, so we are going to discuss the pros and cons because that's the entire point of being here and even what she claimed to want as the point of the thread. Why should we all stop having this discussion just because OP has decided she doesn't want to listen any more? The fact that it's still going strong now suggests a lot of people still have things to say and things to listen to.

I don't understand why you have such an opposition to women with negative SAH experiences sharing their stories here. I've certainly not seen any WOHP trying to invalidate SAHMs who are happy with their decision by telling them they're ill-intentioned or their experiences are totally redundant because women know it all already.

Just one thing I'm curious about... those who went part time but their career trajectory continued - how did that work? I just could not have done my job in anything less than five days a week unless I'd found a job share. Any part time option would have been in a different role several levels down - effectively a drop from a head of to an admin

Now obviously I'd still have a foot in the door and would undoubtedly be in a much much better position when looking to take on more in the future, I don't doubt that for a minute, but I'm not sure it completely limits risk as I would have no recent experience at anywhere near that level?

Anyway I can but hope I have a chance in future!

My DH and I are happy with our set up but he says when I want to go back to work I can

That’s good of him

@Rainraincomeback I work four days a week and have been promoted during that time. I think as a rule of thumb (although obv will vary between industries) four days is enough to advance your career, three is enough to maintain it where it is. Others may disagree!

@GeorginaTheGiant I'm sort of a bit more at peace knowing my particular company just wouldn't do four or three days at anywhere near that level.. but I do worry still about my future prospects! Still, it's done now. Maybe I might have a positive story to share on these threads in future

It all felt different at the time due to go back as had terminally ill relative, other medical problems in the family etc etc

Great post, Sheba.

YES I REALISE MARRIAGES CAN END AND I HAVE ALREADY FACTORED THIS IN THANKYOU VERY MUCH!
Indeed, do they? I think too often, the decision to become a sahm is no thought further than 'I don't want to go back to my job'.

I don't think it is the norm for sahm to be to fully consider the implications in 10 or 20 years time. They get anxious at the idea of returning to their job and convince themselves that they will still have many options to consider closer to the time and that everything will be just fine.

In cases when the decision is fully thought through, it just become a question of risk and some people are more risk adverse than others. Some people have a higher need for being in control.

I personally always hated the idea of being dependent on anyone and being so would mean living with anxiety, but I appreciate that working is for others a more anxious prospect than being dependent on their partner.

What I find harder to understand is what goes in a man's head when faced with this situation. Unless earning a very high salary, I can't understand how a man would be happy for his wife to stay at home with one or two children after they've started school, hence plenty of time for herself whilst he works hard k owing that at anytime, she could leave him and go for 50% if no more of what he's earned.

I've already told my son to only marry a woman who intends to always work and be independent. I meant it lightheartedly but he said in all seriousness that he wouldn't want a wife who was a sahm! I wonder how many of the younger generation of men share the same attitude.

Just one thing I'm curious about... those who went part time but their career trajectory continued - how did that work? I just could not have done my job in anything less than five days a week unless I'd found a job share

It depends on the job, mine is done as part of a wider team, but we work off of a matrix so instead of neccessarily having set roles, we all have a pool of similar skills and are sent to work on different projects etc as and when. So in theory, despite being spread thinner with someone only in a few days a week overall, it's not that no one else can do that job; it's that the work we take on would decrease (because of the way it's done and we bill for hours, it's not that others make up the shortfall). I think that's fairly unique though, and usually a job share is more realistic.

My DH and I are happy with our set up but he says when I want to go back to work I can

Well, it's not like he could do anything about it if he weren't happy, is it?

This isn't the 1950s.

Sheba - with respect, you have no idea about the culture or financial circumstances DH or I came from, but I’ll leave that to one side.

I agree that being a SAHM ultimately comes down to whether a family can afford it or not and this is the bottom line.

I agree that some people don’t give these things enough thought -of course.

But it’s more than that on here because no matter what you say, there are some posters that just seem hell bent on repeating the same mantra “You are living off a man” ad Infinitum. Even though they have no idea who they are talking to or what the set up actually is.

I would just ask them to consider that it’s not as simple as this. Couples often have particular arrangements.

What happens on here, is that it’s hundreds of posts telling a woman that she’s a fool for “living off a man.” She tries to say that it’s not really like that, but is flatly dismissed. But if she were to come out and say, “well, over the years, we’ve bought 20 houses and renovated them together and part of our income is now rental from this,” or whatever the case may be, then it’s “Oooh, well you’re not qualified to speak because you’re not the type of SAHM we want to talk about.”

You can’t win!

dontdisturbmenow

"I've already told my son to only marry a woman who intends to always work and be independent. I meant it lightheartedly but he said in all seriousness that he wouldn't want a wife who was a sahm!"

This is really encouraging. I doubt you'd have heard that from a boy growing up in the 1970s. I love the fact that a new generation are growing up to think that its normal and desirable for women to be financially independent and I hope this bodes well for the next generation.

V easy for a DH to say that: he’s not the one taking the key risks.

Agree that even working PT can be a big personal risk: I did 3 days a week for a couple of years, then 4, and experienced discrimination, eg was assigned crap work, few opportunities internally were open to PTers. Went back FT a few years ago mainly because of that - saw a much better job, FT only - and pension considerations.

@thepeopleversuswork

dontdisturbmenow

"I've already told my son to only marry a woman who intends to always work and be independent. I meant it lightheartedly but he said in all seriousness that he wouldn't want a wife who was a sahm!"

This is really encouraging. I doubt you'd have heard that from a boy growing up in the 1970s. I love the fact that a new generation are growing up to think that its normal and desirable for women to be financially independent and I hope this bodes well for the next generation.

I just hope you’re also drumming into him that if he wants kids he will need to take a hit to his career by being prepared to do 50% of childcare drop offs and collections and potentially reducing his contracted hours and only taking roles that require no travel and a short commute. And teaching him how to pull his weight domestically. If that’s all the case then I’m all for it.

Just one thing I'm curious about... those who went part time but their career trajectory continued - how did that work? I just could not have done my job in anything less than five days a week unless I'd found a job share

I got lucky, was working 2 days a week (had 3 increments in 2 yrs) & now increased in 3 & will go up to 4 at some point. My role was created as part of succession planning though.

@1ucia

Sheba - with respect, you have no idea about the culture or financial circumstances DH or I came from, but I’ll leave that to one side.

I agree that being a SAHM ultimately comes down to whether a family can afford it or not and this is the bottom line.

I agree that some people don’t give these things enough thought -of course.

But it’s more than that on here because no matter what you say, there are some posters that just seem hell bent on repeating the same mantra “You are living off a man” ad Infinitum. Even though they have no idea who they are talking to or what the set up actually is.

I would just ask them to consider that it’s not as simple as this. Couples often have particular arrangements.

What happens on here, is that it’s hundreds of posts telling a woman that she’s a fool for “living off a man.” She tries to say that it’s not really like that, but is flatly dismissed. But if she were to come out and say, “well, over the years, we’ve bought 20 houses and renovated them together and part of our income is now rental from this,” or whatever the case may be, then it’s “Oooh, well you’re not qualified to speak because you’re not the type of SAHM we want to talk about.”

You can’t win!

I believe I know enough about your set up from what you've mentioned about investment portfolios, renovating properties and so on, and just the very way in which you talk about money, so so lightly... but yes, you're right, we don't know the ins and outs of everyone's situation. That's precisely why we need a wide variety of experiences on here, and not to dismiss the ones we don't like as ill-intentioned or totally redundant because surely all women already know about this. It's so clear, every time this comes up, that many don't!

Honestly, if you have so much passive income that you're totally independent while being a SAHM, then great. But you surely must understand how few women live like that and why the others do need to hear the good, the bad and the ugly if they want to make an informed decision to stay home with their husband the only earner and reliant on him. Yes, even if you helped him set up the business, because you're not working now. If that's not you, terrific. Those experiences are for people in other circumstances, which are far more common. You can't just dismiss them the way you're trying to do.

Nobody is suggesting you don't have rights to your share of the assets, or that you played no part in gaining them. But if you've stopped earning now, then chances are that you are in a vulnerable position. It can only be a good thing to hear from people from different backgrounds about what it can mean.

@GeorginaTheGiant - you know what I hope both of my sons get the opportunity to look after their child 50% and do the school pick ups etc. Won’t it be a wonderful world if men can start working part time too and/or be SAHP just like women have had the opposite for decades.

At the age of 30 I thought about becoming a SAHP and giving up a good career. Luckily I didn’t. I’m now divorced. In 5 years time I will have a private pension of £25k p.a. That’s all mine. I’ve also nearly paid off my mortgage. If I had taken 10 years out I wouldn’t be anywhere near getting that pension and ok I might have been able to claim on my husbands but say his is worth £35k a year I would only be able to claim for the married years ie 20 years out of 45 working years And then probably only the 10 years that I took out so a lot less than quarter of that and that would have been offset by the shared equity in the house. You do need to plan for the worse case scenario just like businesses have to when looking at emergency planning.

Just one thing I'm curious about... those who went part time but their career trajectory continued - how did that work? I just could not have done my job in anything less than five days a week unless I'd found a job share

My role was slightly changing anyway so I agreed a reduction to 4 days and someone else who had been working partly on the same area picked up the additional day’s worth of work. There’s a real risk of ending up with a full time workload for part time pay so I had to be really strict about making sure I got a 20% reduction in workload commensurate with the 20% reduction in pay. My role then changed again a bit last year and I was able to negotiate a promotion out of it that took me back up to the same salary that I’d received when I was FT, but for my 0.8 hours. I’d kept up with CPD and developments in my profession while I was on maternity leave (accountancy) by using my 10 KIT days.

I found that employers were frequently prepared to consider 0.8 as there’s usually a bit of tweaking that can be done to a role to accommodate that but 0.6 wasn’t available above a certain level of position so I’d have had to take a real step back to get that.

Sheba - the OP has not said anything though about how much her DH earns, only they her earns more than her. She has also said that she has a fairly senior role. We don’t know where they live or what their circumstances are - savings, mortgages, investments and so on. Nobody asked these most salient questions. It’s odd on MN because people seem to only be interested in a very fixed, one-dimensional view of families where there is a SAHM. They simply don’t want to hear that sometimes, it can work out. They won’t have it. When they say they want to hear from people of different backgrounds, really what they mean is they want to hear is only those cases where being a SAHM has been a disaster. If being a SAHM has worked for anyone, the familiar retort is “wait until he leaves you...” or “shut up, you’re too privileged / not typical.”

Just look at the kind of comment below -

“What I find harder to understand is what goes in a man's head when faced with this situation. Unless earning a very high salary, I can't understand how a man would be happy for his wife to stay at home with one or two children after they've started school, hence plenty of time for herself whilst he works hard k owing that at anytime, she could leave him and go for 50% if no more of what he's earned.“

There is so much misapprehension and misunderstanding. People just don’t get it! I just find this so odd. Surely it’s not that hard to understand?

I can’t recall what the OP said but it seems unlikely she’s in a senior role if her salary will only just cover childcare. I’m not in an especially cheap area but my 3 days a week of nursery costs about £700 a month when you take the tax free childcare contribution into account. Full time would be c.£1000.

“Won’t it be a wonderful world if men can start working part time too and/or be SAHP just like women have had the opposite for decades”

If it was really such a great deal for PTers and SAHPs, far, far more men WOULD do it!

most fathers want to both be a parent AND retain their personal earning capacity/financial independence.