to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

@Hardbackwriter

Why does every second poster use the phrase 'time you can never get back'? What time do you get back?! Is it widely believed that WOHMs are labouring under the misapprehension that they'll be gifted time travel?

I agree this phrase is incredibly unhelpful: it assumes that WOHMs can't work this out for themselves. D'oh, silly me, I thought she'd learn to walk and use the toilet twice...

It also assumes that everyone has the option of taking a multiple year career break to care for their children. I didn't have that option. I don't expect sympathy for this overall as I've made the best of it and net/net I think it has worked out fairly well for me but I bristle at the idea that there are people around who think I'm a hard-faced, shoulder pad wearing bitch because this didn't occur to me.

Nearly as bad as the "why do you have kids if you want to farm them out" trope....

There are always these threads on MN and they have nothing to do with the OP. It’s just a load of women piling in to justify their work / home arrangements and project their own situation and insecurities onto everyone else. It all just reads like a list of irrelevance really - “I went back 17.5 hours when DD was 9 months blah blah blah... DH was x,y,z and flexible this and that....”

I mean, unless anyone here shares the same job, what is the actual relevance of any of it?

My DH looked after the children while I was at work so no CC.
I was challenging the myth that WOHP never see their children.

1ucia It’s people describing their experience and what did/didn’t work for them. Which is what you’ve also been doing when describing your experience of gaggles of rich, charismatic and well educated SAHMs who don’t lift a finger to dust and will still be minted if they get divorced.

Er, how is having a husband at home challenging a myth? That’s just your personal circumstances

Whichever path you take, it's really important to keep yourself employable, even if not employed. Avoid big gaps on your CV, do additional training. Some women take a career break and walk back into employment when they feel the time is right; too many others find it doesn't work out that way. Don't trust to luck - do what you must to remain employable.

1ucia

There is a lot of self-justification on these sorts of threads. And some of it is not constructive.

But its legitimate: it touches on a highly emotive area and one where a lot of women feel frustrated by their choices. So we should explore it.

@1ucia

There are always these threads on MN and they have nothing to do with the OP. It’s just a load of women piling in to justify their work / home arrangements and project their own situation and insecurities onto everyone else. It all just reads like a list of irrelevance really - “I went back 17.5 hours when DD was 9 months blah blah blah... DH was x,y,z and flexible this and that....”

I mean, unless anyone here shares the same job, what is the actual relevance of any of it?

What would you like us to tell OP? We don’t know her exact life. However these threads are not about having the exact circumstances as OP.

OP posted for advise BOTH sides!! Staying home and going back to work. It’s not unreasonable if OP wants to stay at home neither is people suggesting OP work part time...

Bike - yes but what nobody ever does in these threads (and I include myself in this) is actually ask the OP what her job is; what He commute is; where dies she live; what is their income; does she have family around or not etc etc. Then the advice would be semi-relevant, if subjective.

If she is an accountant, what is the point of a load of people whose jobs and set up near no relation whatsoever piling in to talk about flexible contracts, pay scales, commutes and a whole raft of circumstances that have nothing to do with the OP?

Nobody knows what area she lives in or what the job in question even is.

@1ucia

Er, how is having a husband at home challenging a myth? That’s just your personal circumstances

He wasnt at home. He insisted on flexible working -years ago now when no man had ever asked. They were shocked but agreed. Shortly after it really took off in DH workplace.

I gave up my career when my son was 1 and haven't worked now for 14 years. It was partly because son has special needs but it also enabled us to have a large family (4 kids) which I always wanted. We can manage financially because my husband is a fairly high earner but it is tight. We can't afford foreign holiday and manage with one car (he walks to work). It is a different lifestyle, a slower pace of life and a lot less money, but it suits us. I will probably go back to something else when my son is an adult as I home educate him. I don't regret our decision and I think you have to do what is right for your family.

Style, well that’s great, but obviously not all couples are in that position.

I just think everyone is at cross purposes in these threads because nobody ever says what their job is or what they’re even talking about.

I gave up work when we had DC 5 years ago. There are so many things to consider than just 'getting by' on one salary. We overpay significantly on the mortgage so if DH loses his job we have a huge buffer, he pays into a pension for both of us, the savings which are set aside every month go into a joint account and DH periodically transfers lump sums into my personal account as he said he never wants me to not feel like I have financial independence. We also have excellent life insurance for both of us, way more for him though as I've been out of the work force for so long I would find it difficult to get work again, particularly as I wasn't in any sort of qualified role.
I know you can never say never RE divorce but my husband and I have an excellent marriage. I also think things work as well as they do for us because we sat down and made plans for me becoming SAHM and worked out the finances of that rather than me just stopping working because it was easier. There is a lot more to consider than your husband's salary only coving the bills.

@1ucia

Style, well that’s great, but obviously not all couples are in that position.

I just think everyone is at cross purposes in these threads because nobody ever says what their job is or what they’re even talking about.

Probably 1ucia

Im genuinely not sneering at anyone but I do get annoyed by silly remarks along the lines of " farming out" " boring SAHMs"
" never get that time back"
None of that helps anyone, we are all adults and trying our best with our own set of circumstances but also our own experiences influence our decisions.

Im in the "hell no" camp regarding ever giving up WOH, having seen my mother financially disadvantaged.

I felt like you OP after my first - I didn't stop work altogether though and took a less pressured (less well paid) but aligned job to my profession for 5 years. (Mum's advice! My DH was happy for me to stop altogether).

After my 2nd DC was in nursery I went back into my previous job part time (relatively easily - i'd kept my hand in, and importantly it was a niche area) and now (10 years on) I'm full time. After my career break I've been promoted three times and now earn more than DH (and most of my friends) but less than others who do my job and who are my age who worked FT throughout.

However...During that time, DH has had breakdowns, cancer, redundancies. None of this was predictable when I took a break from my job. My relationship was never and isn't toxic but had I not kept working to some extent so that I could return to my original job/ career we would have been buggered and relief on benefits I guess or whatever job I cd get.

We will both have to work for longer as well because of my pension gap due to not contributing / lower contributions for 5-6 years (employer and employee contributions for both of us are 20% all the time otherwise).

So just think very carefully - I don't regret the years where I did 2 days a week but I'm so grateful I listened to my mum!

Having said all that, I didn't have a career as such, pre-DC. I had a job which was quite well paid but I really didn't enjoy, and isn't compatible with having young children. If I'd had a career I enjoyed I can almost certainly say I would have made different decisions.

Did for 5 years. Personally if I could turn time back I would go back to work part time. Sometimes you need a break from them. When they’re babies they’re adorable and you can’t imagine leaving them but toddler stage they need stimulation of nursery and as a mum you need a break

OPposted for advise BOTH sides!!

Nah, she didn't.

@ShebaShimmyShake _ Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?_

@ShebaShimmyShake

OPposted for advise BOTH sides!!

Nah, she didn't.

I think what you mean is some people have given advise and because it doesn’t apply to OP right now.... she now believes nothing will ever change. As people have stated they was once OP if she doesn’t want the advise that’s entirely upto her.

What I meant was, OP had clearly made her mind up already. Which is fair enough, but it's always a bit annoying when someone claims to want a balanced discussion and then insists on rejecting the half they don't want to know about.

OP haven’t read all of this thread but you’re not alone in feeling this way.

I was meant to go back to work when DD (17 months) was one but soon realised I’d rather stay home. Had a professional job with a not amazing but above average salary.

Even in lockdown without baby groups and proper socialising I haven’t regretted staying home. Yes some days are a bit repetitive but I LOVE spending time with my daughter.

If I can take 3 years of my life to go to uni, and a year to go travelling, why can’t I take a couple of years out to look after my child! She’ll only be young once!

Sadly the hardest thing for me has been the attitude of others... “when are you going back”, “when is she starting nursery”, “you’ll get bored and lose yourself”. Or worse. Some mummies think it’s ok to constantly belittle my life choice and me “oh I couldn’t possibly look after a child all day because I’m intelligent and need the stimulation of work”. IMO thinking up fun stimulating activities and encouraging my child’s development does require you to use your brain. We don’t just sit and watch baby tv all day long.

Definitely felt more bored at times in my old job.

I don’t worry too much about my financial future as:

• I’m paying into private pension even when not working
• even if DH and I do divorce, married women are legally protected and I’m confident I’ll be left with enough money to look after the kids and get back on my feet.
• I plan to retrain once I’m ready to put DD in nursery (probably age 3). It’s totally possible to retrain at any age - my mother just did it at 55 and got a professional job which pays enough to live comfortably on.

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner who supports you and actually enjoy being at home with your DD then go for it!!! Some working mummies will judge you - but only the sad narrow minded ones who think going to work all day is all that matters in life.

ShebaShimmyShake

Agreed: quite a lot of the time people post ostensibly seeking advice when actually what they want is validation for a decision they've effectively already made.

This is what MN is so good at, I think: yes its sometimes a bunfight but because people are so frank it forces the OP out of her comfort zone and to confront things she might not have wanted to think about. I think its entirely healthy.

SunnyMummy77

"Some working mummies will judge you - but only the sad narrow minded ones who think going to work all day is all that matters in life"

I think that's a bit unfair. With one or two exceptions, I haven't seen any judgement from WOHMs, just caution, in many cases from people with first hand experience of having suffered financially as a result of a split. Given that so many marriages fail, its entirely appropriate to warn someone that's a risk.

Also literally no-one has said working all day is "all that matters in life". But financial independence is important and I'm not going to apologise for advising people to consider this.

I think your post is actually quite narrow-minded: you're mischaracterising well-meaning though possibly quite strident advice to draw a nasty conclusion about people's values. This says more about you than it does about them to be honest.

working mummies

working mummies? Seriously