On holiday with friend and her kids; it's not going well

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

For context, my DD (8)was diagnosed a few weeks ago with a (mild) neurological condition. As part of this she has good days and bad days - good days she’s a normal 8yo with a normal routine, bad days she get dizzy spells, nausea, headaches (usually triggered by noise or bright lights) and sleeps a lot. She’ll have a 1-2 hour nap and then 14-15 hours at night. I am essentially waiting to see if she gets over it on her own before considering treatment, on advice of her doctor.

We (me, DD and 4yo DS) are on week-long UK holiday with my friend and her kids who are the same age as mine, a couple of hours from where we live. My friend’s 8yo - lets call her Emma - is a sensitive child, always has been, my friend has discussed it with me before, but I never gave it too much thought, my own DD can certainly be sensitive. However we are now on day 4 of the holiday, and living in close quarters with them I’ve realised she’s VERY over sensitive and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment of the holiday, and more importantly my DD’s condition. Emma is NT.

A few examples
⁃ they were colouring the other day and Emma went slightly over the lines in her picture. She burst into tears, blamed her mum because her mum was talking to me, and cried for half an hour, chucking her paper in the bin
⁃ - they put a “play” on for us the other night and Emma jumbled up for words. She got really upset, sat on the floor sobbing with her arms folded and refused to finish the play, which annoyed DD the others as they wanted to show us.
⁃ She stubbed her toe on the sofa yesterday and had a totally OTT reaction. She grabbed her foot, rolled around on the floor and screamed the most high pitched scream I’ve ever heard, relentlessly, for 20 minutes. I had to take DD out the room as it brought on a headache. If you overheard you’d think she’d have been stabbed. Her toe was fine, no break and no bruise.
⁃ We went for a picnic yesterday and when we packed up we told the kids that they all had to carry something back and we gave Emma the (lightweight) picnic blanket to carry. After a couple of minutes of walking back to the lodge, and heard a shriek. We turned around and she was about 10m away sitting on the ground crying hysterically. She said it was because the blanket was too heavy then we all left her behind. My friend had to carry for uphill back to the lodge and she cried all the way.

It’s lots of little things all the time. As to not drip feed, my friend’s DH has said before (in front of my friend) he thinks Emma’s sensitivity is exacerbated by her mum babying her. I (secretly) agree - she carries her a lot because she “gets tired legs” - such as round the supermarket, or from a restaurant to the car, or out of someone’s house. She also apologises to her a lot where I don’t think it’s necessary - she apologised for “making” her go over the lines when colouring. She also lays with her every night til she falls asleep - singing a lullaby or scratching her back, for about 1-2 hours. Her 4yo goes to sleep alone! The last 3 nights I’ve looked forward to having a bottle of wine with my friend, but she doesn’t usually come down til 10pm from putting Emma to bed. She’s attempted making her fall asleep alone before but had little success.

Anyway DD has been quite good about Emma’s tantrums considering she hasn’t been well, and every day has been a “bad day” for her. But last night when DD started to feel sleepy around 6pm, and Emma wanted her to play a game. DD said no she just wanted to watch a bit of TV, and Emma has a strop and told her mum that DD was a “bad friend”. At that point DD burst into tears and said to me, in front of Emma, that this is a rubbish holiday and Emma is ruining it 😬 well, merry hell broke loose and I took DD to bed to try and diffuse the situation.

Me and my friend had a bottle of wine and a bit of a grumble last night about it all, she said she has a daily struggle with Emma being so sensitive and her DH goes out the house for hours at a time to sit in a car park because he can’t stand the noise.

When I woke DD up today she said that she feels sick all the time and wants to go home . TBH I feel the same way, I’m sick of the shrieking and whilst I feel sorry for my friend it’s making it an unenjoyable holiday.

I figure I have 4 options:
1. Go home - say DD just isn’t well enough (DS is very chilled out and likely wouldn’t mind this but I’m loathe to cut his holiday short)
2. Tell my friend how Emma’s behaviour is affecting DD and ask her to speak to her or step in before it escalates
3. Do more as a family of three separately from the other family and maybe just meet them for dinner
4. Say nothing, they’re kids and will get over it
WWYD?

Honestly? I'd cut your losses and go home. Assuming you have had at least a few days away?

Go home. Honestly, I bailed on holidays like this when my DC were that age, it is always torture.

I would do 3 and try to enjoy your holiday as much as possible. Failing that, go home. I don't think 2 or 4 will end well.

Yes, we've had 3 full days, I can't bear another 3 days of this though.

I would go home. You’ve given it a fair try, and your kids are being affected.

I’d put your DD first in this case and just go home. I’d tell your friend why and just say it’s all a bit much at the moment. It’s sounds awful

I'd go home too. I wouldn't spell it out. Your friend will probably guess why.

I honestly would say to your out of earshot of Emma obviously.that she must find Emmas behaviour exhausting open up a dialogue saying the. Dramatics are for attention and it isn't going to do Emma any good.

I'd suggest to your friend that the children could use a few hours break from one another and to go do separate things today, hopefully some time apart will improve matters a bit.

I feel for your friend. One of my friends had an Emma and it was exhausting for everyone but especially for her mum, thankfully it passed and by the age of 9 she was much less emotional.

Option 3. Poor Emma, she has been badly let down by her parents.

I’d do 1. Sack it off, it’s no fun for you or your DD. Make your excuses and leave.

Might be a bit of a wake up call for your friend too. It sounds like hard work, but they need to do something about their DDs behaviour.

I wouldn’t want to head home on a bad note, if possible, so I’d suggest doing your own thing today, laying the groundwork with your friend that your DD is really feeling unwell, and then head back tomorrow.

You need to respect your DD’s feelings so it would be wrong to ignore that and hope they get over it.

Well no2 ain’t going to work. Either this is the child’s personality or it down to friends parenting or both but nothing to going to change over night.

Oh god I feel for you. If it were me I'd go home and arrange a weekend with your kids another time.

Would your friend be OK if you said to her about her dd? Can't see anyone taking negative comments easily so I'd probably just leave.

I've one particular niece who screeches EVERYTHING the longest I can be in her company is an hour, it's very draining on everyone.

Home. Now. Try to salvage some nice times as a family for the next 3 days.

Try Option 3 first, seems such a shame for the three of you to lose out on your holiday.
Holidays always make or break friendships I think. I have holidayed with complete strangers and had better times with them than with some friends.

I would do 1 or 3 depending on how you think you’d manage being out a lot.

I would not do 2 as to be honest all you’ve seen of this behaviour is during the last few days, so that’s a bit quick to start handing out suggestions. I have a son who is sensitive and can be similar and being away, particularly with others, would be difficult for him. Your friends parenting may well exacerbate her daughters behaviour but it also sounds likes there may well be other needs underlying those behaviours. Why are you sure she is NT? Also I wouldnt pay much attention to the opinion of another parent who apparently ops out of parenting for a few hours each day presumably making the situation harder for the parent left behind.

Maybe after the holiday have a supportive chat with your friend and then might be the time to offer support and, if requested, suggestions.

Go home and take your DC on a couple of nice days out.

I'd go home and not see Emma again until she's not such a drama queen

Possibly 3 for today, full and frank discussion with friend this evening, 1 in the morning if 3 is no longer feasible.

Although I wouldn’t blame you for packing up the car and going right now, citing DD’s health as a concern.

Would your daughter like to stay if you could go out for the day and avoid Emma other than for dinner and evenings? If so then that would be a good option surely?

I think I’d do a combination of one and two. Go home and tell the nightmare pair exactly why. This kind of behaviour would be just about ok in a 3 year old but Emma is 8!!! She is NT and her mother is just exacerbating the whole thing, as you have said. I am willing to bet that Emma is pretty unpopular at school - what 8 year old would put up with that kind of nonsense? You would be doing them both a massive favour by telling them straight.

I'd try one day of doing things separately and meeting up in the evening and see if that's more enjoyable. Then go home if not.

Presumably you can all rub along in small doses or you wouldn't be on holiday together, so it seems a shame to end the friendship, which I think leaving would do.

We've holidayed with friends before and with family as we have DC of similar ages. Really by day three we all need a break from being in company even if the DC haven't been annoying one another, no one is going to take offence at the sensible suggestion of having a break to give everyone a few hours away.