On holiday with friend and her kids; it's not going well

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

For context, my DD (8)was diagnosed a few weeks ago with a (mild) neurological condition. As part of this she has good days and bad days - good days she’s a normal 8yo with a normal routine, bad days she get dizzy spells, nausea, headaches (usually triggered by noise or bright lights) and sleeps a lot. She’ll have a 1-2 hour nap and then 14-15 hours at night. I am essentially waiting to see if she gets over it on her own before considering treatment, on advice of her doctor.

We (me, DD and 4yo DS) are on week-long UK holiday with my friend and her kids who are the same age as mine, a couple of hours from where we live. My friend’s 8yo - lets call her Emma - is a sensitive child, always has been, my friend has discussed it with me before, but I never gave it too much thought, my own DD can certainly be sensitive. However we are now on day 4 of the holiday, and living in close quarters with them I’ve realised she’s VERY over sensitive and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment of the holiday, and more importantly my DD’s condition. Emma is NT.

A few examples
⁃ they were colouring the other day and Emma went slightly over the lines in her picture. She burst into tears, blamed her mum because her mum was talking to me, and cried for half an hour, chucking her paper in the bin
⁃ - they put a “play” on for us the other night and Emma jumbled up for words. She got really upset, sat on the floor sobbing with her arms folded and refused to finish the play, which annoyed DD the others as they wanted to show us.
⁃ She stubbed her toe on the sofa yesterday and had a totally OTT reaction. She grabbed her foot, rolled around on the floor and screamed the most high pitched scream I’ve ever heard, relentlessly, for 20 minutes. I had to take DD out the room as it brought on a headache. If you overheard you’d think she’d have been stabbed. Her toe was fine, no break and no bruise.
⁃ We went for a picnic yesterday and when we packed up we told the kids that they all had to carry something back and we gave Emma the (lightweight) picnic blanket to carry. After a couple of minutes of walking back to the lodge, and heard a shriek. We turned around and she was about 10m away sitting on the ground crying hysterically. She said it was because the blanket was too heavy then we all left her behind. My friend had to carry for uphill back to the lodge and she cried all the way.

It’s lots of little things all the time. As to not drip feed, my friend’s DH has said before (in front of my friend) he thinks Emma’s sensitivity is exacerbated by her mum babying her. I (secretly) agree - she carries her a lot because she “gets tired legs” - such as round the supermarket, or from a restaurant to the car, or out of someone’s house. She also apologises to her a lot where I don’t think it’s necessary - she apologised for “making” her go over the lines when colouring. She also lays with her every night til she falls asleep - singing a lullaby or scratching her back, for about 1-2 hours. Her 4yo goes to sleep alone! The last 3 nights I’ve looked forward to having a bottle of wine with my friend, but she doesn’t usually come down til 10pm from putting Emma to bed. She’s attempted making her fall asleep alone before but had little success.

Anyway DD has been quite good about Emma’s tantrums considering she hasn’t been well, and every day has been a “bad day” for her. But last night when DD started to feel sleepy around 6pm, and Emma wanted her to play a game. DD said no she just wanted to watch a bit of TV, and Emma has a strop and told her mum that DD was a “bad friend”. At that point DD burst into tears and said to me, in front of Emma, that this is a rubbish holiday and Emma is ruining it 😬 well, merry hell broke loose and I took DD to bed to try and diffuse the situation.

Me and my friend had a bottle of wine and a bit of a grumble last night about it all, she said she has a daily struggle with Emma being so sensitive and her DH goes out the house for hours at a time to sit in a car park because he can’t stand the noise.

When I woke DD up today she said that she feels sick all the time and wants to go home . TBH I feel the same way, I’m sick of the shrieking and whilst I feel sorry for my friend it’s making it an unenjoyable holiday.

I figure I have 4 options:
1. Go home - say DD just isn’t well enough (DS is very chilled out and likely wouldn’t mind this but I’m loathe to cut his holiday short)
2. Tell my friend how Emma’s behaviour is affecting DD and ask her to speak to her or step in before it escalates
3. Do more as a family of three separately from the other family and maybe just meet them for dinner
4. Say nothing, they’re kids and will get over it
WWYD?

Emma sounds like a brat and a pain! She is indulged with this ridiculous behaviour. I really cant be putting up with that or making excuses for her.
I would tell your friend that you will be going home and tell her why. She needs to know that people dont want to be around Emma and why.
Even her own husband has had enough.
Leave them to it and Emma can perform her tantrums all she wants.
Why put your kids through this?

Emma's mother is doing her no favours by catering to this behaviour. Sounds like her dad has had enough of it as well if he'd rather sit in a car in parking lots waiting for them to stop their ridiculous behaviour.

I'd cut my losses and go home. But I'd also make it clear why before you go, tbh, as the friendship is likely doomed. She IS ruining everyone's holiday, especially your DD's holiday, and her mother IS enabling this crappy behaviour.

Do something else with your kids to make up for it if you can. But I'd go home.

Poor Emma life will be a long and hard road of tantrums and dissatisfaction. I bet she'll grow up thinking that the world owes her.
Hard to tell your friend that she is enabling her dd to be a weakling unable to deal with life. If you do tell her I'm going to bet she won't want to hear it.
That poor girl will grow to be unable to cope with life.

I would do 3

If your own kid is crying about being called a 'bad friend' then don't pander to her by going home - neither of you should have your holiday dictated to you

Emma is clearly a bit of a nightmare - can you encourage Mum to be a bit more robust/jolly hockey sticks about it ? I wouldn't be sat listening to any screaming, it's done for attention - as soon as she starts creating WALK OFF

She will stop sooner with no audience

I’m disgusted by some of the comment on here about this child based on very minimal information.
“Drama queen” “spoiled brat”.

I think you should cut the holiday short and go home. These things are always really hard I think, with everyone’s sensitivities in the mix.

Are you totally sure Emma is NT though? Her behaviour seems a bit extreme. Maybe it could be that she’s just been babied so much, but as their other child isn’t like it, it might not just be the parenting.

Emma’s dad sounds a bit of a dead loss though! Leaving the Mum to do all the parenting while he buggers off “to escape the noise” and then criticises the Mum for babying her! I bet the Mum wishes she could bugger off to a car park.

I know you say the other girl is NT, but what you describe reminds very much of female presentation of autism. Many won’t be diagnosed by age 8. But if you’re not enjoying the holiday, and the behaviour is exacerbating your dd's ill health, I’d just cite that as the reason, and go home.

Take your dd home.

Option 3. Just do your own thing. And in the evening open the bottle of wine yourself and curl up with a good book or a few shows on Netflix while you wait for your friend.
Option 1 is a bit of a nuclear option and would be mortifying for your friend.
My DS is a bit of an Emma and at age 10 he got a ream of diagnoses that explained a lot. Among them very low pain threshold and all sorts of issues with hyper mobility and pains in legs.

We never ever have holidayed with another family which makes me a bit sad but now know that DS’s issues have too much an impact on others.

I'd go home. What's the point of being miserable. She sounds hard work.

Do your own thing for the last few days.

I can't abide it when people talk about attention seeking behaviour, it's far more likely to be attention needing.

The poor kid has a father who regularly leaves the house for hours on end to get away from her, whether it's because of poor parenting or an underlying issue, it's not her fault.

Crikey she is 8 and he mum carries her. Excluding sen she sounds totally spoiled and her mum needs to put some firm boundries in place but that's not your call.

Any chance you could head of for a day without them?

PS I never normally come on and saying every kid with problems mustn’t be NT!

I also agree with what FinnyStory says

I’m loathe to cut his holiday short

Why are you loathe to cut the holiday short? It doesn’t sound like much of a holiday for anyone!

As for it ending the friendship, I doubt it if Emma’s mum is a decent human being.

If my friend cut short a holiday because it was quite literally making her daughter sick, then I wouldn’t throw a strop about it and end the friendship! Why on earth would I?!

You won’t fix Emma’s behaviour with opening a dialogue. And you won’t change anything in three days anyway.

I’d go home, learn from this, and not holiday together again.

Whenever I go away with friends or family we all do our own thing during the day and meet up in the evening. It’s too much to be tethered to another family for 24/7 - even when they are extended family.

Is it possible for you and your dc to do your own thing and meet up with other family for dinner - thus limiting the time the children have to spend together? After dinner all do something together. Get the kids to bed around 9pm (or whatever their bedtime is) and you and your friend chill with a bottle of wine. If it still doesn’t work you can always say you tried before heading home.

I have to agree with a pp it isn't Emma's fault she has been allowed to carry on like this but I think walking away if she starts will help you and your Dd if you decide to see the holiday out do you r own thing tomorrow and have a break.

I'd go with separate outings.

Just say to your friend that obviously the girls different needs are clashing and so a few hours apart would do them both good and that leaves relaxed evenings for the 2 of you to chat.

But I do think you need to move away from distinguishing your dd condition and Emma being NT. It's not NT to be be as highly anxious and sensitive as she is. It doesn't mean she has a neuro developmental disorder. It's very likely some therapy and boundaries would work.

So I'd empathise with Emma and her mum but make sure it doesn't impact you and your kids.

You can still have a holiday doing your own thing.

Emma is either a ridiculously pandered-to dramatic child, or (despite you saying she's NT) she might have ADHD/ASD.

I have a friend with 4 children on the spectrum, varying disorders and some of the behaviours your describing sound VERY familiar in terms of the 2 with ADHD, especially the over-reacting to things going wrong, and the extreme OTT response to pain.

Whichever it is though, it's not working for your DD. And under those circumstances, with her own health issues, I would cut your losses and take her home - this isn't a nice holiday for her at all, and she's just going to feel worse and worse the more exacerbated her condition is through not only having to deal with Emma's behaviours, but the anticipation of her kicking off will add to her stress levels too.

So yeah, I'd do 1 and go home - try to go via somewhere nice en route that would be fun without tiring your DD.

You seem very certain that she is neurotypical. I am presuming you are basing that on her having copious amounts of assessments and taking into account the fact that girls are often misdiagnosed when it comes to female autism. Anxiety can also be a huge issue and doesn't have to be caused by parenting. I get that it is difficult and wearing but her four year old goes to bed independently and you don't judge her as a good parent based on that child's behaviours. I'm sure people have judged me massively from the way I parent, but it has been instinctive that I need to parent differently to what I expected. I may seem to be pandering but I am staving off a meltdown before it starts a lot of the time. And I have been praised by school and the psychologist for how I do handle it. It is hard enough without being judged. I can't diagnose Emma but please be patient and make allowances and be open that there is something going on. I expect that before your daughter was diagnosed you cared for her differently and expect people to make allowances for when she needs to sleep. Show the generosity you would like to be afforded to your friend. She is probably stressed and knows how everyone feels about her daughter.

I would go out each day with just your kids to give them a break as it is only fair to both families as it should release the pressure a little.

Emma is a drama queen and her mother is creating a monster. Carrying AN EIGHT YEAR old because she says she's tired?

Only you know if you can tolerate the rest of hte holiday OP but I certainly wouldn't be making any future plans with this pair.

If the op who actually knows the child is NT, I'm not sure why stranger here are pushing that she must have some issues? The mother herself describes her as oversensitive.
She could just be a little brat who continues this because she knows she gets the attention. Ebery little drama tantrum of hers gets everyone to stop doing what they are doing and see to her. Her mother babies her and indulges her. OP is there and sees it for herself, yet people on here can apparently diagnose her.

Ideally 2; but I doubt it would make any difference at all if she's aware her dh regularly sits in a car park to escape the noise and still does nothing to manage the child's behaviour.
So, I'd just go home.

I speak to dfriend and tell her I think the girls could do with a bit of time apart and reassess the situation in a couple of days.
If things are no better I'd go home.
Sounds like the family is struggling and I'd not want to upset my friend when she's having a tough time.

1, 3 is more likely to ruin your friendship (Nobody is enjoying the holiday anyway)