On holiday with friend and her kids; it's not going well

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

For context, my DD (8)was diagnosed a few weeks ago with a (mild) neurological condition. As part of this she has good days and bad days - good days she’s a normal 8yo with a normal routine, bad days she get dizzy spells, nausea, headaches (usually triggered by noise or bright lights) and sleeps a lot. She’ll have a 1-2 hour nap and then 14-15 hours at night. I am essentially waiting to see if she gets over it on her own before considering treatment, on advice of her doctor.

We (me, DD and 4yo DS) are on week-long UK holiday with my friend and her kids who are the same age as mine, a couple of hours from where we live. My friend’s 8yo - lets call her Emma - is a sensitive child, always has been, my friend has discussed it with me before, but I never gave it too much thought, my own DD can certainly be sensitive. However we are now on day 4 of the holiday, and living in close quarters with them I’ve realised she’s VERY over sensitive and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment of the holiday, and more importantly my DD’s condition. Emma is NT.

A few examples
⁃ they were colouring the other day and Emma went slightly over the lines in her picture. She burst into tears, blamed her mum because her mum was talking to me, and cried for half an hour, chucking her paper in the bin
⁃ - they put a “play” on for us the other night and Emma jumbled up for words. She got really upset, sat on the floor sobbing with her arms folded and refused to finish the play, which annoyed DD the others as they wanted to show us.
⁃ She stubbed her toe on the sofa yesterday and had a totally OTT reaction. She grabbed her foot, rolled around on the floor and screamed the most high pitched scream I’ve ever heard, relentlessly, for 20 minutes. I had to take DD out the room as it brought on a headache. If you overheard you’d think she’d have been stabbed. Her toe was fine, no break and no bruise.
⁃ We went for a picnic yesterday and when we packed up we told the kids that they all had to carry something back and we gave Emma the (lightweight) picnic blanket to carry. After a couple of minutes of walking back to the lodge, and heard a shriek. We turned around and she was about 10m away sitting on the ground crying hysterically. She said it was because the blanket was too heavy then we all left her behind. My friend had to carry for uphill back to the lodge and she cried all the way.

It’s lots of little things all the time. As to not drip feed, my friend’s DH has said before (in front of my friend) he thinks Emma’s sensitivity is exacerbated by her mum babying her. I (secretly) agree - she carries her a lot because she “gets tired legs” - such as round the supermarket, or from a restaurant to the car, or out of someone’s house. She also apologises to her a lot where I don’t think it’s necessary - she apologised for “making” her go over the lines when colouring. She also lays with her every night til she falls asleep - singing a lullaby or scratching her back, for about 1-2 hours. Her 4yo goes to sleep alone! The last 3 nights I’ve looked forward to having a bottle of wine with my friend, but she doesn’t usually come down til 10pm from putting Emma to bed. She’s attempted making her fall asleep alone before but had little success.

Anyway DD has been quite good about Emma’s tantrums considering she hasn’t been well, and every day has been a “bad day” for her. But last night when DD started to feel sleepy around 6pm, and Emma wanted her to play a game. DD said no she just wanted to watch a bit of TV, and Emma has a strop and told her mum that DD was a “bad friend”. At that point DD burst into tears and said to me, in front of Emma, that this is a rubbish holiday and Emma is ruining it 😬 well, merry hell broke loose and I took DD to bed to try and diffuse the situation.

Me and my friend had a bottle of wine and a bit of a grumble last night about it all, she said she has a daily struggle with Emma being so sensitive and her DH goes out the house for hours at a time to sit in a car park because he can’t stand the noise.

When I woke DD up today she said that she feels sick all the time and wants to go home . TBH I feel the same way, I’m sick of the shrieking and whilst I feel sorry for my friend it’s making it an unenjoyable holiday.

I figure I have 4 options:
1. Go home - say DD just isn’t well enough (DS is very chilled out and likely wouldn’t mind this but I’m loathe to cut his holiday short)
2. Tell my friend how Emma’s behaviour is affecting DD and ask her to speak to her or step in before it escalates
3. Do more as a family of three separately from the other family and maybe just meet them for dinner
4. Say nothing, they’re kids and will get over it
WWYD?

To the people accusing me of an “armchair diagnosis” of asd...I have asd and so do both of my children (one is VERY similar to Emma). My father and grandfather also were. I think I k ow a hell of a lot more about presenting behaviours than a NT doctor who courts controversy. I have also been on the receiving end of this nasty forever on a parenting course’ mentality. I’ve read all the parenting books, I’ve been on all the courses, I’m a nice middle class educated white lady with a good job. My kid won’t play ball. Until you live it, you have no clue.

I think I'd go home before you end up having a row with your friend and possibly seriously damage your friendship. It sounds nightmarish.

Just read the post re people not reading all the thread. I'm not sure many people would read 22 pages so perhaps in future I'll only respond to short threads.

@ellyeth why not just read the OPs posts?

OP don't be worried about doing a holiday on your own with the kids. I'm a single mum and been doing it for years. If you really don't want to be on your own then there are single parent holidays, so there will be other SP's there with their kids with social stuff organised.

A friend of mine does them and likes them.

I've not done that option but have done various trips, ones with kids clubs available in different guises and I've had some lovely peaceful times to myself.

I think you're a wonderful friend and person. If it was me I'd secretly (and possibly not so secretly) be calling her a spoilt little brat and not 'sensitive'.

I really feel for you because its such an awkward situation, but I'd be coming home. I don't see a point in asking your friend to talk to her daughter as she's obviously been struggling with this behaviour for some time, so it won't be fixed quickly whilst on holiday and will likely upset her. If she is also feeding this behaviour as you suggest, there's a bigger underlying problem you would probably touch a nerve on. At the very best it may be worth having a heart to heart when you're both home and not in the heat of the moment. I'm sure your friend can see what's happening and is dreading every incident as well as what you might be thinking.

I also wouldn't try to put up with it any further because at the best it will make you and your daughter more frustrated or upset, and possibly lead to another escalation of some sort.

Coming home and cutting your losses seems to me the best option. Whatever you do I hope your daughter's well again soon

@ellyeth There is now an easy way to only see the OP's posts; underneath the OP there is - OP’s posts: See next | See all

If you click on 'See all' it lists ONLY the OP's responses, and that way you can read their replies/updates without reading the entire thread.

I honestly don't think that the child is just a 'spoilt brat' or that her problems are just due to parenting. The incident of her taking offence with your dd for being a 'bad friend' when she was too tired could, if it were the only type of incident, be attributed to spoilt-brattishness. (Though I actually wonder whether she might have been partially imitating other children's reactions to her own difficulties in keeping up physically.) But her hysterical reaction to colouring over the lines; her tired legs and wanting to be carried; her sleeping difficulties; her general unhappiness- all point to her having a real problem of some sort: she may have ASD or ADHD; dyspraxia'; mental health problems; a physical illness or disability which hasn't been recognized; or any combination of these. If it's short-term it could be a 'phase' aggravated by the isolation and stress of lockdown. If it's long-term, then it's more likely to be a real health problem or disability. Of course, this is not really your responsibility beyond a gentle suggestion to the mother that Emma might be medically assessed; and your daughter - who has enough problems of her own - should not be required to be subjected to the stress. But I'm reallly responding to the suggestions that Emma must be a 'brat' or 'drama queen' who is being 'pandered to'. While I was not exactly like Emma, I did have early onset Crohn's disease and also what would now be called dyspraxia, and neither was diagnosed till quite late, though my parents fortunately recognized that there was something wrong. Before I was diagnosed, other people sometimes thought that I was just spoilt; babyish (the commonest accusation - and as a result, to this day I hate any reference to my age, and won't celebrate my birthday); and/or a fussy eater; and that my parents were 'pandering' to me, and it seriously damaged my confidence, as well as adding to my parents' stress. Therefore, I think that it's important not to rush to judgement on such issues.

I know the OP is home now but generally a child cannot help how they are sometimes and there may be more to their behaviour than people realise but if Pat is annoying Sam (yes made up names) more than just general kids acting up then it is up to Pat's parents to ensure this does not happen

It is easy to 'Pat can't help it' but if the Pat's parents ignore it and pander to it then it is not Pat's fault but the parents

Does it really matter though even if it's some type of SEN? The point is the OP and her DD are having a shit time, if it was me I'd be saying my goodbyes and heading home. No need putting up with that if you don't need to. No amount of sympathy is going to improve it for the OP and her DD.

Has Emma been assessed and proven that she's NT? She doesn't sound NT to me.

Well done for putting your DD first.

Thank you timekeeper2.

Hi could I just ask what the mild condition your child has, my almost 8 year old displaying similar symptoms regarding tiredness. Thanks

@MonderMomen77 - I suggest it might be better to contact the OP in a private message for an answer to your question. Hope you find some answers.

Thanks, I will when I figure out how to.

If you're on a phone, go up to the OP and scroll to the end of the first post. The 3 dots at the bottom RH corner - click on those and PM is an option that comes up on the right hand column (well it does on my phone anyway).
Click that and you'll be able to private message her. :)

If you're on a laptop/desktop, it's much easier - at the top of the OP's post there is a clickly link to Message Poster. :)