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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
Jenasaurus · 21/08/2020 23:54

@EnoughAlready2020

I would be insulated tbh and the food would have to be seriously Michelin star! I would just suggested drinks and crisps next time and you all take turns to bring. I would also ask outright if everything was okay for them financially 😂😂
Why would you have to be insulated? :) Is that because the heating costs werent shared so they turned it off?
lyralalala · 22/08/2020 00:09

I find it so funny that so many people on the thread would cut off their friends for having such a set up.

It wasn't the set up 5 years ago. Two out of the four have now suggested it at different times so it's obviously become their way at some point in that five years.

A decent friend would look at the situation and think "That's strange, I wonder why they changed" and realise that, given they are people you know well, there is very obviously a reason for it.

Babyvibe · 22/08/2020 01:01

If you all decided to go buy some food, alcohol etc together then I think its acceptable to split the money if its for an event or something. However, if I invited a group of people to my house I wouldn't dream of asking them for money.

melj1213 · 22/08/2020 01:11

@WaltzfortheMars

But the thing is, it's not someone inviting their friends over to their house, are they? Instead of meeting up at restaurant etc, the person is merely offering the place for friends to have meet ups. So, I just don't see it as someone hosting a party and asking to split the cost. I find it really difficult to understand that many can't see the difference.
I swear I am reading a different thread to most people, but I am glad I'm not the only one.

There is a difference between hosting a gathering in which you unilaterally decide to invite people so therefore should cover all reasonable costs and "hosting" a gathering in which a group of you all arrange to meet and the "host" just happens to be the one who has the biggest/most suitable house so should not have to shoulder the total financial burden too.

In my extended family my parents house is always the venue for family gatherings because they have the biggest house, a large garden and enough space to comfortably host the entire family which nobody else has. Whether it's a family birthday tea, a baby shower, Christmas Day evening or just a BBQ on a sunny summer afternoon my parents are always the venue for family parties. Nobody would ever expect them to fund everything just because they were "hosting".

HoppingPavlova · 22/08/2020 01:40

It’s weird. Very weird.
When we eat at others houses, if a large gathering, you are assigned to bring something such as a salad or a desert and the host takes care of meat/main and nibbles for instance. Everyone always fronts up with a bottle as well. We tend to go through most of themBlush.

Backtobasics5 · 22/08/2020 04:17

It’s not a family gathering that’s the thing though. It’s lunch at a friends house. If you all take turns surely it’s equal. If someone was doing a BBQ of course you may well bring food along. What OP describes it’s not the same.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/08/2020 04:55

My DH has a friend who does this occasionally, I'm not sure how I feel about it but stay out of it!
I once drove up to visit a friend who then drove me to the nearest supermarket to demand I pay for my own vege sausages, think they were about a pound in those days!

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 05:17

@Backtobasics5

It’s not a family gathering that’s the thing though. It’s lunch at a friends house. If you all take turns surely it’s equal. If someone was doing a BBQ of course you may well bring food along. What OP describes it’s not the same.
What does it matter if it's family or friends?

It's obviously what that group do now. Judging her friends for something they do, when she doesn't know the reason they now do it, isn't very friendly

Backtobasics5 · 22/08/2020 05:30

@lyralalala it doesn’t matter if it’s a cousin or friend. However there’s a difference between a family gathering such as a party, BBQ or a baby shower and then a few friends over for lunch

OP was not judging she said she was shocked and I think if money is that tight I wouldn’t be having friends over dinner regularly. What are these friends cooking that is costing so much?
If it was my friend I would feel totally uncomfortable.

TitsOutForHarambe · 22/08/2020 06:02

I used to have a friend who did this. She once begged me to stay at hers because it would be so much more fun than me staying in a hotel, which is what I suggested and would have preferred to be honest, but then when I arrived asked me to "chip in" 20 quid. I was surprised and asked what for and she said it was to cover the cost of gas and electric for the night.

Notice how I said I USED to have this friend...

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 06:22

[quote Backtobasics5]**@lyralalala* it doesn’t matter if it’s a cousin or friend. However there’s a difference between a family gathering such as a party, BBQ or a baby shower and then a few friends over for lunch*

OP was not judging she said she was shocked and I think if money is that tight I wouldn’t be having friends over dinner regularly. What are these friends cooking that is costing so much?
If it was my friend I would feel totally uncomfortable.[/quote]
Doesn't the fact that it's a few friends over for lunch and the fact that they didn't used to do this scream out that there is obviously a reason for it? And the judgement is clear in the OP's posts (though she's not alone in that).

£10 a head for 4/5 people is hardly splashing out on lobster and caviar. It's a decent amount to make a dinner.

If money is that tight surely it's much better to chip together a small amount regularly and still all see each other than one of the group miss out because of their finances?

It's once or twice a year and means she still gets to catch up with old friends, even though she's drifted from their main group (or she'd know why they do this now). Hardly a drama like some people are making out.

The fact that people would rather not see their friends than come up with a sensible solution is quite sad imo.

stovetopespresso · 22/08/2020 06:36

yes very weird and socially awks imo, u need to shower host with gifts, bring a pud and a bottle so she feels really bad about asking you for money but pay up anyway, that way it won't happen again when they see what generosity looks like.

User43210 · 22/08/2020 07:27

I think unless it's agreed upon like "shall we cook or get a takeaway" and the guest suggests takeaway, it should be the host duty.

I also think £10 per head is ridiculous and definitely overcharged unless it was a massive feast.

MrDarcysMa · 22/08/2020 07:32

Weird

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/08/2020 07:54

I have to admit that coming back to this thread to find that something I have done for 30 years described as "not a thing; odd; weird; parsimonious; socially awks!! ; taking liberties; profiteering" and many other unpleasant things, is a truly insulting.

Fine. Many of you don't get it, wouldn't do it and don't have friends who would do it. But do you have to be so judgemental and rude about those of us who do?

It works for us. It is fun, equitable and quite normal for us. Why tear it down? Such an unpleasant mind set.

Lweji · 22/08/2020 08:03

It works out cheaper than a restaurant, people can be more relaxed (even pre-covid), loud, talk about anything with no prying eyes. Menus can be agreed and friends often know what everyone likes, no closing time.
It's funny how people would pay to share a take away, but think that just because the house owner is cooking for them, then the owner should also provide the food for free. Free cooking and free food and free venue. For a group get together, not a host driven event. That IS weird and CF of the highest order.

abstractprojection · 22/08/2020 08:05

I have friends that do this, particularly those that take cooking quite seriously, and at first I found it weird but now I quite like it.

It means that the host can make better food (think tuna tartare, goats cheese salad, and then an amazing joint of beef) for a larger crowd, then they’d stump up for overwise, and no one feels awkward about the cost and who owes whom what.

Generally speaking communicating expectations in advance avoids a raft of social anxieties and frustrations ie. do you want me to cook and we’ll all chip in

sashh · 22/08/2020 08:20

I love cooking and hosting but due to disability I'm not able to do it now.

When I did I would do 5 courses and the first few times would not think to ask for anything.

BUT I was always the host because I live in a bungalow and my friends have stairs.

I was planning one meal and while planning the meal I was also planning when I could afford it. Asking for donations took that aspect out of the planning.

I think the thing here OP is that you are never going to host them because you are too far away so your visit always cost them (I know it costs you too) so maybe this is how they want to not spend so much.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2020 08:28

OP says she is not in a position to ever host herself. That s why the friends have done this IMHO. I can't think of any other reason.

EleanorOalike · 22/08/2020 08:32

OP says she is not in a position to ever host herself.

No she doesn’t. She’s said she always invites them but they won’t come. She makes the effort, paying £50 for travel and suggests eating out. They won’t return her efforts of travelling to meet up, and turn down her suggestion of eating out. It’s really rude to expect someone paying £50 to travel to then fork up for a meal someone else offered to host.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2020 08:40

OP doesn't host. Friends are fed up so have brought in this arrangement. If anyone can think of any other reason I'd be happy to hear it.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/08/2020 08:57

@Viviennemary

OP doesn't host. Friends are fed up so have brought in this arrangement. If anyone can think of any other reason I'd be happy to hear it.
Op offered to host, they refuse to travel. Should she rent a house for the night so she can host them in their own city?
EleanorOalike · 22/08/2020 08:57

Well the OP is happy to just have a drink and some crisps in a pub as she’s said multiple times. Charging a friend £10 for nibbles when you aren’t even providing a meal as the first friend did is blatant CF. OP has also said she’s happy to take food round.

notacooldad · 22/08/2020 09:00

I used to have a friend who did this. She once begged me to stay at hers because it would be so much more fun than me staying in a hotel, which is what I suggested and would have preferred to be honest, but then when I arrived asked me to "chip in" 20 quid. I was surprised and asked what for and she said it was to cover the cost of gas and electric for the night
This is a completely different scenario.
In the op case it is mentioned up front.

Angelina82 · 22/08/2020 09:04

£10 a head for 4/5 people is hardly splashing out on lobster and caviar. It's a decent amount to make a dinner.

40/50 quid is actually a helluva lot of money for one homemade meal. Some families of 4/5 are only left with that amount to feed themselves for a whole week fgs.