Paying to eat at friends house?

[Itswindytoday]

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

40/50 quid is actually a helluva lot of money for one homemade meal. Some families of 4/5 are only left with that amount to feed themselves for a whole week fgs.
But it depends what she's serving doesn't it.

Spag bol.
So at Asda. Cheap jar of own brand pasata, cheap mince, 1 onion, can of beans, dried pasta, own brand garlic baguette. Small portions. Own brand frozen gateaux. Bottle of cheap wine from corner shop and a bottle of Asti.

Shop at Waitrose. Steak mince, lots of fresh veggies to make the sauce, variety of beans, fresh spaghetti, ciabatta bread, fresh garlic. Large portions. Fresh gateaux from local bakery. Mixture of white and red wines and a bottle of champagne/prosecco.

Same meal, very different price point.

I'd rather contribute and have the latter than have the former for free

But the OP didn’t even get a “meal” for her £10...

In case people missed this

I don’t know how much it will be this time but when my other friend did it last time it was £10 each and the food was picky bits not a proper meal. We always bring our own alcohol. So I’m anticipating £10 again this time

So... £40/£50 for “nibbles”. And providing their own alcohol?

Could you suggest you’d rather go out to a restaurant or gastro pub as it means none of you have to clear plates and you can eat what you want rather than what the host chooses, or say you are on a low carb diet.

Steak mince, lots of fresh veggies to make the sauce, variety of beans,

Beans in bolognese?

@AllPlayedOut

Steak mince, lots of fresh veggies to make the sauce, variety of beans,

Beans in bolognese?

I like kidney beans in my spag bol, go judge me 😂

You monster!

My DM puts cream in.

It curdles.

🤮

Mwahahaha

Dear MN,
My friend charged me £10 to come round for dinner, I was happy to pay until I found out she put kidney beans in it. Aibu to ask for my money back and ghost her?

Have those who are saying it’s because my friends are fed up of hosting me registered that this happens maybe once or twice a year?? Out of 4 friends who are all able to host at their houses? So an old friend travels 2 hours to see you and there are people on here who would begrudge hosting them at their house maybe once a year? Reading some people’s posts makes it sound like I’m going there every weekend trying to cadge a free meal

"Picky bits" can work out more expensive than a full meal. From experience.

If you provide pates, cold meats, cheeses, olives, certain fruits, little pies, etc, the cost will add up fast.

Roast chicken works out cheaper.

Dear MN,
My friend charged me £10 to come round for dinner, I was happy to pay until I found out she put kidney beans in it. Aibu to ask for my money back and ghost her?

YABU. Nothing less than a public flogging will do for such a heinous crime.

OP, the main point, though, is that if you went to a restaurant you'd all share the cost.
There are several advantages to having the meal at a friend's house instead.
Can you explain why you'd be happy to share the bill at a restaurant but not if your friend actually has the trouble to purchase and prepare the food, in addition to buying it?

My DM puts cream in.

It curdles.

I've heard of people putting milk in it, but never cream. Poor you.

There are several advantages to having the meal at a friend's house instead.

What are the advantages? Personally I'd choose a restaurant every time.

Actually, to do the maths, if I go there 4/5 times a year, we eat out 3 times and twice go to someone’s house. They’ll usually take it in turns for that so in the 5 years I’ve moved away each friend would have hosted us all maybe 2/3 times. In 5 years. So on that basis I definitely hope I’m right in concluding that the idea of charging is not based on me taking the piss and expecting to be hosted all the time but is for other some other reason be it financial or whatever.

What are the advantages? Personally I'd choose a restaurant every time.

Me too! Especially if I couldn’t afford to host a guest once a year without relying on “donations”.

@AllPlayedOut

There are several advantages to having the meal at a friend's house instead.

What are the advantages? Personally I'd choose a restaurant every time.

My post Today 08:03

You are definitely not taking the piss OP.

I can't imagine in your 40s being expected to contribute cash for a meal at a friend's house. I have been in Australia for 13 years where the culture is very much "what can I bring" if you are invited for a meal. It is totally acceptable to say salad/dessert/nibbles please - wine or whatever booze you want to drink is a given - but tbh I usually say don't bother as you end up with too much food or a real mish mash. I would insist on restaurants in future (covid permitting) so you can at least spend your money on what you choose to eat.

I wouldn't pay to eat at my house if I was my friend

@Lweji

OP, the main point, though, is that if you went to a restaurant you'd all share the cost. There are several advantages to having the meal at a friend's house instead. Can you explain why you'd be happy to share the bill at a restaurant but not if your friend actually has the trouble to purchase and prepare the food, in addition to buying it?

I posted earlier to someone who asked a similar question that in all honesty I think it’s psychological! As obviously broadly it’s the same thing, paying for food. But it feels different to hand cash to a friend rather than paying a restaurant. And beside as I’ve said, for me personally, if I invite people over then I will buy all the food and not give it a second thought - that’s part of hosting to me. I love hosting, I never charge my friends for it. That includes hosting big family get togethers of 15+ at Christmas every year as well. Although I just remembered that last year only one couple even bought a bottle to that so maybe I’m overdoing the generosity in my hosting

If they've each hosted three times you could offer to pay for the next meal out for everyone.

My post Today 08:03

Thank you. I just read it. Each to their own, but personally . I'd still much rather go to a restaurant. I feel much more relaxed there than in someone's home. There's also much more choice and the food is often better.

I can't imagine charging my guests when I chose to host them. If you're a member of some group, a book club perhaps and you have monthly gatherings that involve a lot of food and drink then I could see agreeing to do that if everyone was on board with it, but hosting friends once or twice a year? That seems incredibly tight unless they're hosting the 5,000.

I think it you are hosting no, I wouldn't dream of it and never have. However, once we all went round to a friends whilst her DH was away and ordered a takeaway and we did split it then and all took a bottle each.

@Viviennemary the hosting 2/3 times includes just going round for wine and crisps. We don’t always have full on food. I just mean going to that persons house for the evening.