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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
SparklesAllOver · 21/08/2020 22:02

OP, you mentioned that you do not take enough alcohol for 5, so what do you take? Maybe take two or three bottles of wine/prosecco (our group like a drink Wink) and maybe a small gift for the host, would also offer to take a dessert or nibbles. I would rather take too much than be thought of as not taking enough, not that I am suggesting you are.

Benjispruce2 · 21/08/2020 22:04

@lookatallthosechickens that’s very unusual. Party food is a normal thing to provide free of charge in UK.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 22:04

@Hardtotell

How is it different from eating out and all chipping in your share? Or all ordering a takeaway and dividing up the bill. People may appear comfortably off but you just can’t tell. Perhaps there’s a reason why they don’t rotate around each other’s houses which would mean the most regular host pays disproportionately. Yeah it’s not traditional but things move on.
Menu choice, you take away your leftovers, you can decide on costof your meal based on the prices you see on the menu. They've chosen to do this so you either ask why or start saying no.
Benjispruce2 · 21/08/2020 22:05

I also think bringing one bottle to a meal is pretty standard for one guest or a couple.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:05

@lookatallthosechickens

The English are very odd about food and money. I hired a pub for my partner's 40th a few years ago and had them put out a nice but basic buffet of cheese, charcuterie, bread, olives, etc. (along with a big birthday cake) and I literally couldn't move for people asking how much for their share, whether they needed to pay me or the barman, etc. In my home country people would die of shame before they asked for anyone to pay for a meal or party they'd been invited to - you practically have to fight your host to get them to accept a bottle of wine much less anything else.
I don't think that's typical English tbf. I've never known anyone pay for buffet for at a party
Alongcameacat · 21/08/2020 22:07

I also think bringing one bottle to a meal is pretty standard for one guest or a couple.

One bottle for you to drink yourself and a bottle for the host surely?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:07

@Benjispruce2

I also think bringing one bottle to a meal is pretty standard for one guest or a couple.
Depends on your drinking habits. 1 bottle would be my alcohol for half the night, then I'd be into the hosts alcohol. That's a lot to expect of the host if There's hand a dozen people
Benjispruce2 · 21/08/2020 22:10

I’d bring one decent bottle as a contribution and a gift of flowers or chocolates for the host. I always reciprocate hosting and don’t expect anything though it’s appreciated if they bring something. I would buy all the wine for the night, I wouldn’t bank on guests bringing any.

Bluewavescrashing · 21/08/2020 22:10

If we invite friends round they always ask what they can bring to contribute. Bottle of wine, dessert etc. No money changes hands. If I'm invited anywhere I will bring a box of chocs or something too. It's just polite. If your friend can't afford to host a meal she should just invite you round for drinks or coffee and ask you to bring a bottle or a cake or something.

echt · 21/08/2020 22:18

Paying is weird. As a host I provide everything, as a guest bring wine to casual dinners, with flowers to a more formal one/people I haven't seen for ages, which thanks to lockdown is everyone.:o

I struggle with the Australian habit of bringing a plate (of food) unasked as I like be in control of what goes on the table. Quite different if the meal is predicated on bringing a plate, of course.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 21/08/2020 22:24

A woman l know did this once - she insisted we all went round her house rather than go out then charged us all! Caused an uproar and we never went to her house again'one friend even went back the next day to get back the bottle of wine she had taken to say thanks!

yolio · 21/08/2020 22:30

Some people are very tight.

But anyway if anyone asked me to pay X amount for a meal in their house I would say no (with any justification you can think of)..

Honestly, have we really come to this?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/08/2020 22:31

So weird. I would never offer to host unless I could afford to host..

DH sometimes does game weekends where they have a kitty and the person who's turn it is to have it at their house buys a standard list of stuff but it's not really meals etc, its basically lots of sweets & snacks and beers!

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/08/2020 22:32

1 bottle would be my alcohol for half the night, then I'd be into the hosts alcohol. That's a lot to expect of the host if There's hand a dozen people.

Hosting costs. We would always expect to put on enough to drink and eat that any contributions from guests are a nice extra but we can manage without.

takenbywine · 21/08/2020 22:33

@lookatallthosechickens this is so true. I wouldn't say all, but some English are very odd. In my home country, if you are inviting guests around, the hosts will provide everything. The guests will bring a present, maybe a homeware item or a present to the child or dessert but it's not expected of. In return, you will then invite the hosts to yours and do the same. Money is never talked about. If you go out to a restaurant both parties would fight to pay for the bill. There's no going Dutch, it's rude. If you are don't have enough money to pay for the whole bill, you simply don't go. If you go, you are willing to pay for the whole bill once you win the fight of who gets to the waiter first to pay.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:45

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

1 bottle would be my alcohol for half the night, then I'd be into the hosts alcohol. That's a lot to expect of the host if There's hand a dozen people.

Hosting costs. We would always expect to put on enough to drink and eat that any contributions from guests are a nice extra but we can manage without.

Bit it depends what cordless you circulate in. If you're aiming you're providing all the alcohol then that could easily be £100 on alcohol alone and then there's Dave whoonly ever drinks whiskey. It would mean some people could never host, so at least if the guests generally cover the alcohol between them... Bit it's very much about knowing your circle. It's like the meal thing. Some will argue you can only ever ask friends to come for a meal of you cover everyone's costs. Great if you have hundreds to spend, less so if you don't but still want to celebrate with friends
SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:47

If you go out to a restaurant both parties would fight to pay for the bill. There's no going Dutch, it's rude. If you are don't have enough money to pay for the whole bill, you simply don't go but doesn't that make socialising with friends only for rich people?

Ditheringdooley · 21/08/2020 22:49

We have friends over and spend hundreds on food for the weekend, catering for their fussy kids and they are fussy too. When we are at theirs (and don’t tend to stay) we don’t get the same level of hospitality but still wouldn’t dream of asking for money (not that we’d get it!).

Maybe if it was intended as a ‘instead of going out to eat, come to mine’ then I guess they were thinking it was the same as splitting a restaurant bill? But with friends if there is reciprocation these things usually even out.

In our case we got slightly fed up of our place being trashed and hospitality being spurned (you go to lots of effort for someone to complain about the food etc) so we reduce the amount we offer...but until lockdown they were still inviting themselves over so it can’t have been that bad!!

Ditheringdooley · 21/08/2020 22:49

Sorry I mean reduce invites, not reduce the offering...

Ablackrussian · 21/08/2020 22:51

I heard from a mutual friend who attended the last event that the free dessert was a reduced-for-quick-sale Colin the Caterpillar cake

Howling!! Comedy gold Grin

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 23:01

@Ditheringdooley

Sorry I mean reduce invites, not reduce the offering...
Oh I lived the idea of them coming over to cheese and pineapple starter, oven child for main and a yoghurt for dessert
lookatallthosechickens · 21/08/2020 23:04

@SleepingStandingUp restaurants tend to be a bit cheaper, plus people are sensitive to their friend’s and family’s situations so you don’t get upset if cousin Johnny doesn’t reciprocate an invitation, since he lost his job or just had twins or both. He’ll make his own invitations one day when he’s able (but he’s definitely not charging people to eat pizza at his house).

takenbywine · 21/08/2020 23:11

@SleepingStandingUp no that's not the case because there's restaurants for every type of budget whereas here in the UK, it's pretty much standard unless you are dining at a Michelin restaurant of course.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 21/08/2020 23:30

Among my friend and family, it's common to bring wine or beers and offer to bring a salad or dessert when invited, but usually the host will say not to bring anything.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 21/08/2020 23:31

Oops. Pressed post too soon.

I find asking for money to host really strange and would be a bit put out if any friends sprung that on me.