Paying to eat at friends house?

[Itswindytoday]

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

Right that doesn't sound too much of a burden on the person hosting. If I wasn't comfortable with this I think I'd pick the most sympathetic friend and ask them why the group decided to do this and you feel a bit worried that they're not taking you up on your offer to host for them. Otherwise it's just going to keep worrying you.

If you don't always get food what do you actually pay for @Itswindytoday?

@0DimSumMum0 usually no money changes hands! This came up for the first time a few months ago and again for my next visit.

Ugh!!! That is seriously tight. I wouldn't raise it either but I would judge the friend - sorry.

I've come across this sort of thing a few times.

In my twenties I worked in a very high pressure high earning environment. I was just starting out as were a few of the other girls and money was very tight. The highest biller on the team bought a new house and invited us all around for some food and drinks in the garden. We didn't really want to go (midweek, stressful month, a few days before payday) but did not want to seem ungrateful so said yes. Just before we left she did a whip round for food -10 each and told us all to pick up our own alcohol. We were all a bit aghast but handed it over. I remember worrying about how I was going to get home later as wouldn't have had budget for a taxi. This woman earned ten times what we did and what's more she was well aware. The manager absolutely lost it, but in a funny way. She told the womam to get herself together, give the money back to everyone but especially the juniors and said that she herself would pick up the bill for the lot. When we got there it was just snack food anyway.

The second time was me hosting a dinner party for friends after I'd moved in with my very tight ex. We were both in our thirties and earned good money and had no major outgoings. We were frequently invited to other people's houses for dinner. I was working on a menu and picking up stuff in the supermarket. I was payiny, we didn't share finances. I noticed he was very annoyed and I asked why. "Have you told people they need to contribute money?" he asked. I was disgusted.

More recently a girl gang formed in a company I worked for and we started meeting up for dinners. Everyone in their 40's, high earners all of us so we went to nice restaurants. One of the ladies suggested a chilled out dinner in her new house. When we arrived she said she wasn't bothered cooking so had ordered takeaway. Great we all said and reached for our wallets but she wouldn't hear of it. No amount of arguing would persuade her.

I offered to host next. I had left the company at this stage and was retraining so had less money that usual. I cooked for everyone to keep costs down but still put on a big spread.

The next lady also said she didn't want to cook and ordered takeout. When I arrived she said "15 should cover" I left it down but was not impressed.

SleepingStandingUp why are you including booze? Nobody turns up for dinner around friends without a bottle of something (now that would be rude), so no that meal still wouldn’t come to £50.

It is interesting that it isn't just 1 but 2 of your 4 friends who has suggested this. What kind of things did you eat last time at your friend's place? Is it that they are actually interested in cooking and want to show off their culinary skills but for them to pay for, say, beef fillets or seabass or lobster for 4 is too expensive for them?

Had the 2nd friend been financially affected by the lockdown?

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite we had cheese and meat and crackers etc. It was all good quality stuff.

And no, none of our jobs have been affected by Covid. We’ve all been very fortunate.

we had cheese and meat and crackers etc. It was all good quality stuff.

And that was £10 per head?! I’d be mortified to go round cap in hand for bloody cheese, crackers and parma ham/salami/whatever. Bonkers.

[quote Itswindytoday]@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite we had cheese and meat and crackers etc. It was all good quality stuff.

And no, none of our jobs have been affected by Covid. We’ve all been very fortunate.[/quote]
That's ridiculous!! You wouldn't charge for that.

It is all very odd. Perhaps, it isn’t you OP but another of the four friends is very tight. You might not notice because you aren’t around them so much but the others have and decided everyone should ‘pay’ their way?
You need to establish if this payment system is only when you are around or always?
People can be very tight without even knowing others have picked up on it. EG DH is very slow to go to the bar for a round of drinks. When it is his turn, he seems to drink very slowly so someone else is always finished whereas I notice when some one is nearing the end of their drink and rush to the bar. I have had discussions about this and he knows he does it but doesn’t change. It’s a terrible trait. We go to restaurants more these days and splitting the bill takes away the awkwardness.

How much are you paying?

I’m happy to bring something like pudding or some drink but I would never charge friends if I was hosting!

If I offer to host, I put a choice of courses and I buy and cook the food. I’m early thirties. I always take alcohol and like you say offer to pick up any extras if needed.
I would rather go and sit in a restaurant and pay than hand over the cash!
I have one friend who offers to host then gets out the takeout menus when you get there which always irritates me!

You only normally split the cost of its for a take away

Seems strange to me. I'd always assume that if someone invited me (or me and DH) for a meal, we wouldn't be expected to pay anything. Except as others have said, we'd take a bottle of wine or big box of chocs or fruit basket etc.

I find this thread utterly bizarre but I'm clearly in the minority re: bill splitting.

There is a difference between an offer to host and ordering in.

If I was hosting a dinner party, no. I wouldn't dream of charging because I'm offering/inviting.

If my friends and I arranged ad hoc to have a girls night in and order a takeaway i.e Chinese then we would split it as it's a mutual agreement to get together not an offer to host.

It's all in the distinction.

She hasn't offered to host, you're all just meeting up at hers due to the pandemic so yes, you should split the bill equally. Why SHOULD she foot the bill?

She hasn't offered to host, you're all just meeting up at hers due to the pandemic so yes, you should split the bill equally. Why SHOULD she foot the bill?

The original offer to host was pre the pandemic. The OP hasn’t mentioned this new offer from a different friend is anything to do with the pandemic. Lots of people I know are all going out for meals together at the moment to restaurants/ Eat Out to Help Out etc so presumably it’s not that hosting was the only option?

Sometimes I will have people round and we will order PizZa - we split the cost. I'm not paying for 25 people to eat dominos - I am more than happy to split the cost of food at someone's house

I get together with friends often and we arrange beforehand what we can all bring. It saves the host spending too much time preparing. It suits us fine though maybe not everyone’s cup of tea

Sometimes I will have people round and we will order PizZa - we split the cost. I'm not paying for 25 people to eat dominos

Have you read the thread?
You are comparing apples to oranges.
The OP is in a group of five not twenty five.
There was no mention of takeaway being ordered.

I agree with others,in that it is totally different if you are a group ordering takeaway, and splitting the cost. If you are cooking the food, it is unusual to be charging your guests for their meal! On the other hand, could it be that the host would otherwise be struggling financially if they had to pay for it all? It might have been better to ask someone to bring dessert, and tell the others to bring drinks, but honestly, if I agreed to host, I'd probably anticipate people bring drinks without asking them to. I wouldn't be asking people to pay for the food. If I couldn't afford it, I just wouldn't do it.

I host for friends relatively frequently. It's sort of become habit that I do the main and maybe some nibbles and the other 4 tend to bring the starter and dessert between them and we all provide alcohol mostly. It seems to works well for us and I'm not embarrassed. No one has ever said anything to my knowledge.

It’s not weird or strange - it’s downright rude.

At the very least she should be suggesting that everyone bring a dish - Emma, you bring that. Pippa you bring this. Anne, you bring the alcohol and I’ll provide the main and dessert.
You get the gist.
But to charge friends? Rude, rude, and terrible, awful form.

It's strange. Bringing a dish yes, money no.

I'm properly poor but if I wouldn't dream of inviting people to mine and ask them for money. Just no, no, no.