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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 21/08/2020 17:31

I think you are being lied to and need to get everything out in the open with your DH. This is no way to live.

jimmyjammy001 · 21/08/2020 17:34

You have accepted financial help from said uncle for your house so he will now have a claw over you and your husbands new house, should not if accepted the financial help then you could of said no.

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 17:34

@candycane222 I would assume that would be an issue - but I don’t know the details of Sharia mortgages. OP might not even have meant that there’ll be 2 mortgages - maybe a re-mortgage to 1 mortgage. It’s all very muddled, even without the complication of different mortgage product! I’m still trying to work out who has loaned/not loaned the money for the house they’re in now! I think it’s the same uncle, with his own wee version of a Sharia mortgage that seems to be serving him rather well 🙄

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 17:36

@BronwenFrideswide

Thanks *@Cocomarine*, I'm not saying OP can't get a mortgage just it seems odd than one minute the loan is required from uncle because of the debt/interest not being allowed and the next uncle wants her to get a mortgage and, Islamic or not, there will be interest and it is a debt.
Well, I personally think that there is still interest, just under another name. But no, if it’s an approved Sharia mortgage, there is no interest.
combatbarbie · 21/08/2020 17:39

There may be no interest but paying more than the house is worth..... Essentially the same thing

BronwenFrideswide · 21/08/2020 17:39

It’s all very muddled, even without the complication of different mortgage product! I’m still trying to work out who has loaned/not loaned the money for the house they’re in now! I think it’s the same uncle, with his own wee version of a Sharia mortgage that seems to be serving him rather well 🙄

Absolutely agree Cocomarine it's all what suits uncle and when it suits uncle, I have no doubt he is doing very well out of this indeed.

candycane222 · 21/08/2020 17:40

Could be that Coco - fully admit I have lost track!

LannieDuck · 21/08/2020 17:44

Or because I've told DH I don't want the house. And he said he'll buy it even without my support. DH knows I'm very against it.

So why is uncle under the impression that you're going to get a job to pay him back?

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 17:53

It does sound like you simply won’t be able to stop your husband, @UmmMaryam2019
The deal is between him and his uncle, and he’s not going to bite the hand that feeds - both his home and his job.

So I would make it clear to my husband:

  • that I am not getting a job to his timescale
  • that you don’t want uncle moving in
  • that if he allows it against your wishes that you are (a) not waiting on anybody and (b) not interested in him moaning to you about them being there
  • mean it
  • and tell him that repeated stunts like this will erode whatever tiny bit of respect you have left for him - which are presumably close to zero with him over-riding you so far
Greyblueeyes · 21/08/2020 18:09

Honestly, OP? Have you considered leaving your husband? He is buying a house with this uncle and your name won't be on it. But you have to go back to work to pay for it. And you will be tied to his uncle financially for years to come.

This isn't a healthy relationship and it's very worrying. Every update you post just makes the situation sound worse.

Strawberrycreamsundae · 21/08/2020 18:29

So effectively you’re completely dependent on your dh’s uncle and the uncle wants full hotel service plus child minding duties in ‘your’ house?
For an indeterminate length of time, possibly permanently?
Oh my.
😳

andweallsingalong · 21/08/2020 18:41

Can you help out with their house to speed it up. Build furniture, maybe even offer to project manage to return the favour of the loan?

Can't see how you can refuse to put them up when they've helped you buy...

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/08/2020 19:23

This is all dodgy!

Your name won't be on our, you don't want it but your husbands uncle is planning for you to pay for it, by going back to work on two years?

What's really happened here is the uncle has used your husband to help him jointly buy a house for himself in the catchment area of the school he wants for his son.

This is not your house, and your husband is a gullible eejit.

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 19:33

It’s not about catchment areas, it’s a private school.

Figrus2 · 21/08/2020 19:35

can you move into their current house and let them have your new house temporarily?

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 19:46

can you move into their current house and let them have your new house temporarily?

She doesn’t want the house. She doesn’t want them ruining the new house, should it progress. The ONLY reason they want to move is because wifey can’t get a five year old out of bed in time for school. Not sure why any of that is OPs issue to sort?

Fromthebirdsnest · 21/08/2020 19:46

Sorry but you kind of have to help ... he’s helped you ... it’s only maybe anyway .. pretty mean to say no.. however if they ask for childcare say no , ask for help with money towards utility’s and food before they move in and get them to Set up a direct debit first payment payable before they move in & also give them both housework to do in a we are all in this together way ... it’s family and for a short time x

Greyblueeyes · 21/08/2020 19:48

@Fromthebirdsnest

Sorry but you kind of have to help ... he’s helped you ... it’s only maybe anyway .. pretty mean to say no.. however if they ask for childcare say no , ask for help with money towards utility’s and food before they move in and get them to Set up a direct debit first payment payable before they move in & also give them both housework to do in a we are all in this together way ... it’s family and for a short time x

You might want to read the whole thread. It is not just about the uncle possibly moving in.

nestisflown · 21/08/2020 19:52

This sounds like a whole mess. Please pull out OP- I can’t see any good coming out of purchasing this house.

Hayyancairo2 · 21/08/2020 20:00

@Fromthebirdsnest

Sorry but you kind of have to help ... he’s helped you ... it’s only maybe anyway .. pretty mean to say no.. however if they ask for childcare say no , ask for help with money towards utility’s and food before they move in and get them to Set up a direct debit first payment payable before they move in & also give them both housework to do in a we are all in this together way ... it’s family and for a short time x
If OP is finding it difficult to put her foot down to start with, she's hardly going to be able to tell Uncle to set up a direct debit to pay his way. He will expect to be there for free because he has helped them out. She will definitely not be able to tell him his housework duties. He will see this as a real insult...... because in his eyes they owe him. She won't be able to go along with all this generosity, then start calling the shots. It's all or nothing in my book.
Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 20:37

The house we current live in will be sold back to him, to raise funds to buy the new house.

But honestly I wanted excuses to keep them out. Like 'we have covid 19 sorry you can't move in! '.

I do feel defeated with the new house, I can refuse to work and pay towards it. What uncle wants doesn't necessarily mean he can gets it.

And I agree with ppl who think DH and uncle have ulterior motives for the house.

Frankly, if it don't work out we'll sell it. DH is digging his heels in about this house, male ego? Competing with him mates? Whatever it is... His a great husband and dad, I've let it get this far, he can win this decision. After all it is a dream house I picked. If I can't stop it, I'll smile and enjoy it. And have the longest cough and fever till uncle's house is liveable.
Envy

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 21/08/2020 20:42

I am so confused about the house you're currently living in. Your buying it from him at inflated price and then selling it back to him.... Is this to avoid tax because it all sounds very dodgy to me.

Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 20:42

Don’t delude yourself that he’s a great husband.

And as for competing with his mates? He gets a big house because his uncle (a) pays a chunk and (b) over pays his salary. Oh yes - all his mates will think he’s AMAZING 🤣

Whatever industry it was that was paying you well before? Stay connected to it, yes? And not to pay back your money grabbing interest charging uncle.

Good luck!

Original poster
UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 20:43

@Figrus2

can you move into their current house and let them have your new house temporarily?
That's a great idea! Lol, they will stopping asking once I've suggested that. Even without electric and gas! We'll get the camping hobs and gas cylinders for food and heat.
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 21/08/2020 20:43

@combatbarbie

I am so confused about the house you're currently living in. Your buying it from him at inflated price and then selling it back to him.... Is this to avoid tax because it all sounds very dodgy to me.
Just google “sharia mortgage”.