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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel absolutely insulted by this

180 replies

MadameBee · 20/08/2020 22:55

Suggested to my ex husband that for our DDs 21st birthday we got her citizenship and passport for the country he is from.

No reply.

He decides to do it himself which is fine, I got her another gift.

Tonight she came round with the forms for me to sign. Her stepmother had filled them all in but only allowed her to bring around the last page of the form as she had filled in all DDs details.

I signed the declaration which declares any false information can result in imprisonment or a £250,000 fine.

I haven’t seen what info has been put on the form and DD asked me not to date my signature which I refused to do and dated it.

AIBU to feel this is fucking insulting (as if I had refused to sign this would have massively upset DD but did not want to sign form I haven’t seen all the info in).

That’s unreasonable isn’t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBee · 21/08/2020 13:31

I emailed her father asking for a scanned copy (as he has the body of the document) and he didn’t reply he just got straight on the phone to her to tell her.

This is the shit he has pulled for fucking years and it just frustrates me.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 21/08/2020 13:36

you have a right to see what you have signed.

You haven't inconvenienced anyone but yourself.

They are trying to drag you in to a child child discussion. You need to rise above it and be the adult.

An adult grey rock who keeps emotion out of it.

Original poster
MadameBee · 21/08/2020 13:55

Yes, you are right.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 21/08/2020 13:59

You can always contact the relevant passport place for the nationality and explain.

LirBan · 21/08/2020 14:00

@MadameBee

They wouldn’t give her the whole form in case she “messed it up or lost it”.

Like she’s an idiot. I do feel that she’s intimidated by her SM.

I was wrong to sign it I know that and I said that I didn’t want to but then was accused of creating “drama”.

I do sympathise with this a lot. If my x couldn't successfully control me I was ridiculous, immature, unreasonable, dramatic, vindictive, chaotic, dramatic. YOU NAME IT. And 14 years later he still labels me x, y, or z if I don't do what he wants which is always eroding a boundary of mine. Luckily the DC see it but I understand your desire not to play in to his narrative. :-/
Brefugee · 21/08/2020 14:16

just email to your ex and your dd and say:
why the drama, i've signed a document and i only want a scanned copy for my records and in case anyone contacts me about it and i need to answer questions.

And if they don't agree - well, frankly you need to take a step back from your dd and tell her that obvs she's having a problem with you and that you'll be there when you need her.

put it in writing to your ex that you signed because you felt it was unfair to your dd not to but that you don't feel comfortable having signed a form that you hadn't read in full. Leave his wife out of all your discussions.

Young adult children can be a fucking pain in the backside and sometimes it's better to let them come to you when they need/want something. (going through something with mine, atm, so i know how it goes)

Original poster
MadameBee · 21/08/2020 14:24

Yes totally - I allow it to bring an irrational side to me that I hate

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 21/08/2020 14:25

You really don't need to be communicating with your ex and his wife when your daughter is 21 years old. You need to stay out of it and stop emailing him. You obviously hold great resentment about it all and it isn't good for you to keep in contact with them.

chickenyhead · 21/08/2020 14:30

I understand the resentment as the abuse has such an affect on your self esteem.

But the only way out of it is to disengage emotionally.

I am helping a friend do this currently. They get bored of you eventually and stop bothering.

I certainly wouldn't reply demanding to know anything. I would simply state that as it was a legal document signed by me, I am entitled to a copy.

End of conversation. Ignore any response beyond provision and repeat asking.

If then at a future date, something comes up, you can produce your emails as evidence of your innocence.

ElvisPawsley · 21/08/2020 15:20

@Candyfloss99

You really don't need to be communicating with your ex and his wife when your daughter is 21 years old. You need to stay out of it and stop emailing him. You obviously hold great resentment about it all and it isn't good for you to keep in contact with them.
I agree. My parents split when I was an older teenager and haven't had any contact since. They don't even have each others phone numbers. May not be ideal but there is no reason for you to have lots of contact when your 'child' is an adult.
LirBan · 21/08/2020 15:49

@MadameBee

Yes totally - I allow it to bring an irrational side to me that I hate
Serve the drama accusation back to them. Calmly say ''what i'm asking for is reasonable''/. Then if no page 1 is forthcoming, then say ''why the drama?''

I understand how you have fallen in to this trap though.

Acquiescing to everything just to appear to be not dramatic!

Notredamn · 21/08/2020 16:23

Your child is an adult. The time has long since passed where you would need to communicate with your ex or have any ideas about point scoring from the step mum (poor woman by the way- imagine bringing up a terminal cancer diagnosis and thinking its 'proof' of how she meddles with your life, all because you're annoyed at yourself over a poxy form). Live independent lives. My 9 old DD communicates with her dad, whereas I don't have his contact details as I don't have any need for them. Perhaps insist that your 21 year old takes some responsibility. Why did she not just laugh at the stepmum's offer to fill in her forms and carry on doing it herself?

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2020 16:33

I think it's time to bring out the big guns. I'd tell them that they either give you copies of the complete document or you will contact the relevant office for his country of origin and tell them that you did not see the document, that you signed under (emotional) duress and that you are very concerned they submitted a document that may contain incorrect information.

As I said before, there is something they don't want you to see. Either they've lied on the form or they have had to disclose some information about your ex that you do not know (ie his parents weren't married, his dad isn't his dad, whatever).

SerialGoogler · 22/08/2020 17:37

I recently went through a citizenship process for the birth country of one of my parents and it was stipulated that the signature must not be dated (that was done during the embassy interview, though my parents did not need to sign in this instance). So you may well be asked to sign again which presents the opportunity to insist on reading the full form this time.

User43210 · 22/08/2020 18:02

@SerialGoogler

I recently went through a citizenship process for the birth country of one of my parents and it was stipulated that the signature must not be dated (that was done during the embassy interview, though my parents did not need to sign in this instance). So you may well be asked to sign again which presents the opportunity to insist on reading the full form this time.
This is interested. More so because if OP had been able to read the form, she would have known this and not dated it!

OP make sure you remember the date as they'll probably print another form and just forge it now so it's dateless. Then you can stipulate it isn't your signature and you dated it and why.

KaitK · 22/08/2020 18:12

You shouldn't have signed it

CmdrVimes · 22/08/2020 18:53

@picklemewalnuts

I think you have to say:

"Sweetheart, I want this for you so very much- that's why I suggested it to your dad. Obviously as this is a declaration about the accuracy of the information on the form, I do just need to see it first. I'd hate you to think it's ok to sign documents you haven't seen."

+1

Also, the prior poster who felt you were being unreasonable with your personal feelings about it and "you wanted all the credit", that is just rubbish, as it was your suggestion in the first place, you should have been allowed to see the forms before you felt obligated to sign the document. Why did she insist you didn't date it though? What's going on behind there?

Considering it was your idea in the first place, you have every right to let your Daughter know that, would he and her step mum have ever suggested it? Probably not.

Even if it seems petty or unreasonable(to others) to want to be known as the originator, personally I wouldn't care if it were petty, imo it was your right. Your idea, she should know that you suggested it.

As for that form you signed, you technically broke the law and if your ex and his wife wanted to be a dick about it, they could probably report you for doing so, even though it was forced upon you buy them.

What if you're not named as the Mother, but the step mum is? I would be so fricken angry and upset and offended and oh my god would I be unreasonable about it.

CmdrVimes · 22/08/2020 18:56

PS argggh I'm sorry for the "buy" typo, I would normally never have done that, or would have noticed in time to correct - I'm on a bad aphasia day, so I chose the wrong buy instead of by :/ (yes, it does bother me that much)

ittakes2 · 22/08/2020 19:04

You did not need to sign it. You could have asked to see the whole document. Pressure should not have let you do something illegal so you could avoid upsetting your daughter due to the delay. I would wonder more what her dad is hiding.

FelicisNox · 22/08/2020 19:18

There are 2 issues here:

  1. you signed a legal document you haven't read knowing full well it was wrong (bit late now).

  2. you allowed your DD to speak to you like garbage in order to get her own way.

You can't do anything about no 1 but you need to speak to your DD again and make it clear you signed that document as you had been put on the spot. It was actually your idea not your ex husbands for her to have citizenship and not only was it wrong for you to sign a legal document without being able to read it (who knows what they've put on there) but if she ever speaks to you like that again you will ensure she regrets it.

CF!

You also need to learn a lesson: you are the mistress of your own life so stop people pleasing before you land yourself in some serious trouble.

Aridane · 22/08/2020 19:54

YAB U and frankly Foolish to sign the back page of a document without seeing what tow signing.

And really - something you can be signed £250k for?!??

KorumamaT · 22/08/2020 20:17

Please insist on seeeing the rest of the document. The consequences are too high if they get it wrong.
Good luck, IMO this doesn’t sound like you have an issue with Ex.

YogiBearcub · 22/08/2020 20:58

Shame you've signed it. I personally wouldn't dream of signing something a stepmother of my child had completed and then tried to have me sign without showing me the full doc. You should ask to see the document retrospectively at least, in case she's trying to stitch you up!

NeiceyKnows · 23/08/2020 06:48

I’ve just seen you reply to another comment stating your ex husband wanted to forge your signature!!!! I’m struggling to understand why you wouldn’t demand to see the form knowing this. There is clearly something on there he doesn’t want you to see. I’m not sure you realise that by signing the declaration you are now also liable to be fined if your ex has provided false information. Also at 21 why has your DD not filled out the form herself?

marcusian · 23/08/2020 09:22

I agree its very uncomfortable and you've been put in a difficult situation because your daughter clearly wants this.
However its not an entirely unheard of situation, e.g. if you witness a will for example, you dont normally see the terms of the will.
But for your own security, i would send a written note or an email, to both your daughter and ex, noting that you signed the document on x date without having seen the rest of the document. Then there is a permanent public note that you signed unseen.