If your a sahm

[Pinkandblue20]

If your a sahm and fully reliant on your partner for money do you cook them dinner every night ?
By reliant I mean I have to ask for money it's not in a joint account etc

I'm a SAHP, well not sure that is actually the right terminology as both my DC have now left school. Maybe, I should simply say "I don't work"!

My DH's salary goes into our joint current account. Savings are in my name because when we used to get interest on savings, I obviously didn't pay tax on it. My DH has in fact has never bothered to set up online banking, so can't even access our accounts!

I don't cook. I never have and never will. My DH does all the cooking. Whoever gets up first sees to the animals, empties dishwasher etc. I tend to do the majority of "housework" and laundry. I also do all the life admin and holidays etc. My DH does the gardening, cars and all DIY.

It may not work for everyone, but we have been very happily together for about 30 years so it works for us.

Can you get your own job and have your own money?

We both work & I work a bit less than DH - so I take on more things in the house. I do all food shopping, cooking, washing, changing beds. If he's at work and you're home then I think it's fair that you do the cooking. If you both worked then it would be down to both of you. How old are DC? Could you not go back to work & then you could have your own money and split chores?

I am a SAHP with one child under 2.
We have joint credit cards, a joint bank account for household, petrol, meals out and children's items.
I have my own personal bank account which money is transferred to each month on DH's pay day.
If I want anything else I use the credit card or if running low on cash I tell DH to look at the accounts.
DH is working from home at he minute, he puts DC down for a nap at lunchtime and we share cooking 50/50.
I usually do the bedtime routine with DH but do story time on my own while he cleans downstairs.
I do 80/90% of cleaning in the house but we do have a cleaner once a fortnight to do a deep clean.

I never needed to ask for money (all money was joint) but when things were tight we did discuss all purchases that weren’t non essential.

But, yes I did cook dinner 99% of the time. I also did most of the childcare and housework. My “job” was mum and housewife, his “job” was earning the money (and when DD was very small that meant over 12 hours a day out of the house).

My former SAHP spouse thought having a joint account with his name on it was pointless too when he could just use my card - only once was he questioned on it - until it left him with a far worse credit score even with his name on bills that affected his plans and we had an issue with the account, but I - the only person who could actually talk to the bank - was seriously ill.

Having access to money at any time is one major benefit, but it's also the ability to take responsibility and deal with any problems. For me, those should go together. My spouse was convinced they would allow him to deal with anything because he's my spouse. He eventually learned differently...

And my now WOH spouse who cooks dinner sleeps all day. He gets up, spends an hour or so on other things, then makes dinner, goes to work well after the kids are in bed. He literally chose his work so he could have this schedule. Having been a WOH, SAH, and WAH parent with a spouse that's done all of those too, I've never found our worth tied to who is cooking dinner. I would expect the person who cares more about food to cook, so it's really not me.

I cook most nights but have access to money.

I'm a SAHM but I get an income from DH into my personal account to spend how I like, big purchases I ask for, does that count?

But yes, I cook six days a week, he cooks on Saturday nights usually.

Set up a separate bank account and ask him to give you weekly allowance for your own personal purchases (hair cuts, underwear, toiletries etc.)

She’s still asking though, and he still will do it, for as long as he chooses.

Op can you go back to work?

Not having joint accounts etc is just plain stupid, sorry, but it's true.

If your OH died, you'd be in all kinds of trouble, unable to pay the monthly household utilities etc.

No problem in both partners having their own private accounts for their own "spending money", savings etc., but joint household finances should be put through a joint account.

Currently unemployed due to Covid. Husband pays household bills and sends me money to cover food shopping. (He did this before Covid when I was working). I do nearly all of the cleaning and cooking, although, if it's a meal DH regularly cooks eg fry up or Thai curry, he will do it. He doesn't have a problem with cooking as he's a body builder and so cooks himself meat and veg twice a day anyway.

I stayed at home with both of my kids for 2 years each. Taking care of a baby/toddler is bloody hard work and can be relentless depending on the child. I rarely if ever had dinner on the table for DH as I was usually exhausted and hate cooking anyway. He accepted that his job was actually way easier and less stressful than mine and didn't make a fuss about it.

If you are a SAHM you are WORKING. You should have full access to a joint account - if you weren't at home taking care of your OH's kids he would have to either work part-time to do it or pay someone else to. Why should your labour be unwaged?

Whoever told you you should have his dinner on the table is stuck in the 1950s. He is a grown man and presumably capable of sticking some spaghetti in a pan at night. You're not a maid.

No, i dont. However DH comes home for lunch and the kids too, so i cook a full meal then and dinner is usually left overs or we make a quick pasta. DH usually makes/heats dinner after work because i dont really eat with them. I clean up after dinner while he entertains the kids and then we put them to bed together.
If i had a really crazy day with the kids he will do bedtime alone and i will do the same if he had a terrible day at work.
I dont rely on money from him though. We have a joint account where i have full access and his entire salary goes on there. I also have my own seperate account with savings from before having kids.

I should add that we do have a joint account, I don't use it much though.

Goodness, I honestly can't imagine being content in a relationship where I was expected to ask for money.

Even my 1950's had-to-give-up-work when got married, SAHP mother had a cheque book and credit card on the joint account.

Household chores and childcare are another thing to be agreed between you, to your mutual satisfaction.

As for 'asking' to get married, I am so sorry. I really wish the truth of this situation were taught in schools.

I just hope that others will read these threads and realise what a benefit marriage is to the financially weaker partner.

Please, everyone, consider getting married before you have the children. It needn't cost much done without ceremony at a registry office. Tax benefits, too.

I'd be asking for a joint account not a bloody allowance! But what if he doesn't want to be the sole provider? Can you force someone to share with you because you have decided you aren't going to work. Fair enough if you agree but what if he gives up work and says it's his turn to be a SAHP?

In my family I'm the one who works, DH is disabled, money isn't an issue (he has a private pension and now a state one so doesn't need me to give him money) but I tell you when the kids were younger it was bloody disheartening to get home from work and find everyone waiting for me to magically produce a meal. Bit different as DH couldn't do it but it can be hard doing an 8 hr day, 2 hrs commute and then cooking as soon as you got in. I would have loved a SAHP who could put something in the oven for me getting in, when the kids reached their teens DS was very good, it might have just been a supermarket pizza and some salad but it was like manna from heaven for me.

I think you need to either ask for regular money transfer or joint. My dh sorted out a joint account without question.

Expect dinner - bad sign
Annoyed because he has to cook when he is tired - acceptable.

You can be in a vunerable situation if things go wrong. Best wishes.

I do think that cooking evening meal in the week is part of the SAHM job . My husband puts money in my account each month (this my money to spend on personal bills/ stuff for me) and then we have a joint account for shopping / kids stuff etc. He recognises how much I do and appreciates it so I don’t mind at all cooking in the evening. At weekends we share cooking or get takeaway / go out.

It's not alright you have to be asking for money OP x

And no about the dinner you are not his mum.

I'm a sahm. Ordinarily I cook dinner for us all and do most of the housework/gardening etc. However, over lockdown, he has been working from home, finishes at 5pm and I've not had a break from homeschooling/the kids all day. I've made us all lunch, although he's not eaten it with us and has gone for a run instead. So, I feel as though, as I have put in a full day. I try to keep things fair in terms of work load.

I was a sahm. I haven't read the thread, but I will answer your two questions.

I cooked dinner every night because my husband had a long commute and was often not back till 7.30 or later. I was also a much better cook than him. Much, much better. I like cooking too.

I didn't have to ask him for money on a regular basis, but we did discuss big purchases. He put a hefty amount of money into a separate account and I used that for all food, children's stuff and anything else I needed/wanted.

I will add that he isn't remotely controlling and we've been married for over 30 years. Also my daughter was in a controlling relationship., both emotionally and financially for over a decade. I understand the issues.

You're not married, you have no access to money and just a wild guess, no assets have been put in your name, right?
Dinner is the least of the problems.

Dinner is the least of your worries. He’s financially controlling and it’s abuse
Out of interest is the accommodation solely in his name?are you named on mortgage/rental lease
Does your DD have his surname?
He has absolutely no plans to marry you. He dangles it,knowing you want it

Just to complete the picture, I did the vast majority of the housework too and still had more leisure time than my husband did. He was also a hands on father who definitely saw looking after our children as a joint responsibility.

Despite me breastfeeding he would get up in the night if I needed him to (not that often) and never slept in the spare room. He gave moral support even though he couldn't do the feeds. He also never claimed that he needed more sleep than I did because he was going out to work for long hours.