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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your a sahm

188 replies

Pinkandblue20 · 20/08/2020 14:53

If your a sahm and fully reliant on your partner for money do you cook them dinner every night ?
By reliant I mean I have to ask for money it's not in a joint account etc

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2020 15:45

Wait. So it wasn't even your partner who had an issue with no dinner?

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 15:45

@Pinkandblue20

I did state what I meant in the thread, I've been told that it's an issue that I haven't had his dinner cooked in the evening and that he's had to do it and has probably made him feel worthless !! This has been said by someone else so I was wondering if I should have been doing his dinner etc even thou I'm clearly below him!!
Who's told you this?

Who cares whether it makes him feel worthless. If he's not giving you access to shared money without your having to ask it doesn't matter what he thinks.

The cooking thing is really an irrelevance to be honest. You can decide between you who cooks. But you need to get on top of the money situation.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2020 15:46

Agreed. The money needs sorting.

Original poster
Pinkandblue20 · 20/08/2020 15:47

Yes have discussed marriage i asked if we could get married ( we've been together over a decade and not even engaged ! ) but he said that's something he needs to ask me but I don't see that happening

OP posts:
ohnonotyetplease · 20/08/2020 15:48

I'm a stay at home mum and financially dependent on my husband. I cook dinner 99% of the time. I enjoy it sometimes and sometimes it's a complete pest with a toddler who seems to be surgically attached to my shin.

ThePlantsitter · 20/08/2020 15:49

I'd say if it's not him saying it, just forget it, it's nobody else's business. Whoever said it is weird and living in the past by about 70 years.

If it IS him saying it you should immediately get a job and probably leave unless you think his attitude can change. He isn't buying a servant by financially supporting his family.

Either way, you should probably get married and definitely get a joint bank account. It's not safe to be so dependent on someone else.

plplz · 20/08/2020 15:49

Sorry but asking for money is plain wrong! You
should have access to a bank account that's shared. If you were to split up, you'd be entitled to half. Half is what you should also have access to now!

Cocomarine · 20/08/2020 15:50

So are you going to tell us who is interfering then?

If it’s 20 questions, I’ll start:

  • his mum?
PrayingandHoping · 20/08/2020 15:51

SAHM, joint account and yes I mainly cook dinner. But sometimes he will if he finishes work at a decent time and is free. Yes never feel it's my overwhelming responsibility. If I can't and he can't we get something out the freezer or a takeout!

SnuggyBuggy · 20/08/2020 15:51

For what it's worth I'm a SAHM, we have a joint account, child benefit plus a monthly transfer. We also run any purchases over £100 past each other.

I cook dinner most of the time because I'm not at work and gain some pleasure in cooking, DH would probably live off ready meals on his own.

Bateshotel · 20/08/2020 15:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EdithHope · 20/08/2020 15:54

I'm a SAHM, we have joint money and he also gives me a monthly sum to spend at my discretion via direct debit too. I never have to ask him for money and we decide on large purchases together.

I cook most of the time, he cooks at least once during the weekend. We agreed on that many years ago when the kids were younger and I wanted a break from that chore.

merrymouse · 20/08/2020 15:54

I did state what I meant in the thread, I've been told that it's an issue that I haven't had his dinner cooked in the evening and that he's had to do it and has probably made him feel worthless

We can't say what is reasonable in your situation.

Often it makes sense for the person who is at home for most of the day to do most of the cooking because its easier to shop and prepare food if you aren't in an office all day.

Sometimes it makes more sense for the other partner to cook and shop because they don't have to cope with toddlers.

Some families just eat lots of ready meals.

You need to decide with your partner what is right in your situation, and if you can't have a sensible conversation about this where you both have equal input, perhaps you shouldn't be together.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/08/2020 15:54

@Pinkandblue20

Yes have discussed marriage i asked if we could get married ( we've been together over a decade and not even engaged ! ) but he said that's something he needs to ask me but I don't see that happening
He's stalling because he knows that if he gets married your rights to his money become protected. He doesn't need to ask you at all, that's rubbish.

Marriage should be a mutual decision between a couple: its a contract which is primarily designed to protect the interests of the non-working spouse. It's not a Disney fantasy.

Based on what you've said here, it sounds like your partner is very controlling you financially.

If he won't consider marriage I would strongly recommend you look for a job. You need some financial security that is not linked to him.

SaintofBats · 20/08/2020 15:54

i asked if we could get married ( we've been together over a decade and not even engaged ! ) but he said that's something he needs to ask me but I don't see that happening

So you 'ask' for money, you 'ask' to borrow his bank card, you 'ask' for marriage, but he tells you you have to wait to be asked? Fuck that, OP. Get a job and solve the whole nonsense.

unicornparty · 20/08/2020 15:55

Op you sound in a very precarious position.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/08/2020 15:56

@Cocomarine

So are you going to tell us who is interfering then?

If it’s 20 questions, I’ll start:

  • his mum?
If she is not sick anymore?
SquirtleSquad · 20/08/2020 15:58

Ooooooooooh you're that poster. Guessing it's about "the mum" like PP.

Nancydrawn · 20/08/2020 15:59

@Pinkandblue20

Yes have discussed marriage i asked if we could get married ( we've been together over a decade and not even engaged ! ) but he said that's something he needs to ask me but I don't see that happening
This is a ridiculous argument on his part, OP.

You're in a very vulnerable position as a SAHM without the protection of marriage. This isn't even in case you split up, but in case of an accident or an emergency. Unless you are independently wealthy/self-sufficient, it's a very insecure position.

If he doesn't want to get married, he needs to ensure your protection in other ways. He needs to make a will (ideally with the advice of a solicitor to help with tax implications), pay into an independent pension for you, and/or split his take-home earnings in half, with each of you contributing half to the bills and saving/spending the rest as you see fit.

This isn't just for you but for your child as well. Life can go pear-shaped at any moment, even with the best intentions, and it is necessary to make sure, as best you can, that the people you love won't be totally fucked when that happens.

kissmysass · 20/08/2020 15:59

You have 5 kids, not married, no joint account, you don't work.
If he left (or you needed to) you're in a very delicate position! You'd be entitled to child mainenance but nothing else. This is why people go for the security of marriage.
If I were you I'd be saying we either get married ASAP, small ceremony, registry office etc, or you'll be looking for a full time job to have your own money and he can contribute 50% to the childcare bills. You have no financial security for yourself at all.

LittleMissRedHat · 20/08/2020 16:00

Have you discussed what would happen if he just upped and left one day? Leaving you with the children, the house and absolutely not a penny?

Who cooks dinner is a red herring, if it suits the couple concerned all is well and it's nobody else's business. If it's someone else saying that your partner will feel worthless that he has to cook, they clearly have their own agenda.

smallestleaf · 20/08/2020 16:00

You are not a stay at home mum you are barely paid servant.

SAHP should be equal partners in a relationship that benefits them both - you each have your work to do which supports the other.

About a decade ago there was a mini publishing sensation, of the reprint of two little books called, 'don'ts for wives' and 'don't for husbands.' These books were written in about 1912 and even at that time the author was saying, don't make your husband ask him for every bit of money you need. You should your own money that you earn as wife and mother. You are over a century later! TBh if he controls the money like that I would consider that a controlling abusive relationship. He clearly sees it as HIS money. It's not. It is family money and you are entitled to a fair and equal share of it (that means money for YOU too, not just money to buy things for the family and house).

Cook dinner if you want to, not because you feel you have to. I once chatted to a guy who at 48 had never cooked his own dinner, or indeed any meal for himself. His SAHW did it. I thought that made him a complete selfish, entitled arse. When they divorced he ripped her off too.

formerbabe · 20/08/2020 16:01

I'm a sahm....I cook dinner every night. He gives me money though, I don't have to ask him. He always checks I've got enough.

I hope you're ok op

GeorginaTheGiant · 20/08/2020 16:01

You’re in a perilous position. You’re together a decade and have kids, you’ve give up your career, and you’re expected to sit and wait for the marriage that would give you security because he wants to be the one who asks?! What the actual fuck. Get married or get back to work, that’s the only advice that will help you.

Oh and if he feels worthless because he’s had to cook his own dinner then ask him to imagine how worthless you feel, bringing up his children without him considering you worth marrying or even giving a bank card to.

Time to take control of your own life and financial future OP. Cooking is the least of your problems.

HouchinBawbags · 20/08/2020 16:01

I'm a SAHM and DH and I have our own bank accounts.

Any money I get in my account (any tax credits or child benefit) is mine to use and I can get money out of DH's account whenever I need (or want), i set up all the bills to come out of DH's account, I have his card details as well as my own details registered on my online shopping sites (ie Amazon etc), DH and I do the grocery shopping together so he always pays.
I don't ask for money unless it's a "babe can you transfer £XX over please?" when I'm too busy to.

We do this because I stay home so he can work. His odd shift pattern means we couldn't get childcare that flexible so would waste money.
If we were to split I'd be entitled to half of everything and I've sacrificed no career for him. I could still get a job.

However, I do ALL the proper cooking. That kitchen is mine. He can't cook and to be honest, I don't want him to because I adore doing it. It works for us. If I don't fancy making dinner however he will pop in a frozen pizza and some chips, or maybe do nuggets or microwave ready meals. It's just real cooking he can't do.

All other household chores are done by us both.

A SAHP shouldn't need to 'ask' for money if they're having to stay home to allow the other to work.

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