If your a sahm

[Pinkandblue20]

If your a sahm and fully reliant on your partner for money do you cook them dinner every night ?
By reliant I mean I have to ask for money it's not in a joint account etc

You shouldn't be having to ask for money even if he gives it when you ask. It's degrading to have to ask all the time. If I were you I'd get my own job asap. As for the dinner, I'm not a SAHM but whoever is home from work first makes the dinner, mostly me, if I arrived home and my partner was already home but hasn't started the dinner I'd find it weird.

I'm a SAHM, don't cook many evening meals and have a joint account with my DH.

@Funguy

PS, these money controlling partners do NOT hold all the cards. If you leave they have to give you 50% anyways. Why not ensure you have a joint bank account NOW and ensure your name is on the mortgage. Someone who has kids and won't do this is a dinosaur.

This is incorrect, they are not married, so he is not legally obliged to give the OP a single penny and certainly not 50%, what makes you think that? She can apply for child maintenance, but we all know how THAT can go with a man who is as miserly and commitment phobic as OP's partner is. She could find herself on the street with her child without a single penny. And a very, very long, painstakingly painful journey to get anything from him.

How does she ensure they get a joint account and her name on the mortgage? He won't even agree to marry her! But you are right on one aspect - he is a dinosaur.

I'm a bit dubious here OP.
If you'd just asked your question after stating you're a SAHM, fine but you asked the question and felt it worthy of pointing out you have to ask for money. That to me tells me that you do have an issue with it.

Like I said previously, I found myself in your position without seeing it coming, get it sorted now, esp as it's causing you issues (which you aren't able/willing to admit right now)

@Funguy

PS, these money controlling partners do NOT hold all the cards. If you leave they have to give you 50% anyways. Why not ensure you have a joint bank account NOW and ensure your name is on the mortgage. Someone who has kids and won't do this is a dinosaur.

@Funguy the OP isn’t married so that’s not correct.

I am. Partner puts £1700 in my account every month to pay for everything. I buy stuff as and when needed for me and the kids. Haircuts, clothes, shoes and makeup. I also buy birthday things and stuff for all family etc. We share his money.

Tea wise. I usually cook for us all if he's at home working like this week. If he's not home until 7.30pm I don't always cook for him and he grabs his own food. Equally at weekends he often will cook us some Pasta or pizza or something on toast. He can't make a roast easily but he's capable of doing many bits and bobs.

You should be a team. He works. But your kids need caring for. So if he wants you to work then he needs to solve the childcare issue with you.

@Bateshotel

Running purchases via my partner also sounds off to me.

We see our money as joint, even our own accounts so we've always let each other know about bigger purchases. Might look at increasing that limit with inflation at some point though.

Lots of women cook dinner every night even if they work. The money is a separate issue and when the earner controls the money it is indicative of a problem in the relationship.

@Funguy

PS, these money controlling partners do NOT hold all the cards. If you leave they have to give you 50% anyways. Why not ensure you have a joint bank account NOW and ensure your name is on the mortgage. Someone who has kids and won't do this is a dinosaur.

@Funguy let’s just humour you for a moment that her boyfriend is going to say, “sure, let’s put you on the mortgage” (and anyway, you mean deeds - she needs to co-own the asset, not the debt) do you actually have any idea how mortgage applications work?

Mm. As SAHP I cooked 99% of the time, yes.

On the other aspect of your more recent posts, joint account and shared assets through marriage though. You seem very vulnerable. Great when all goes well but what if he has a stroke tomorrow?

When my spouse was a SAHP, he cooked dinner nearly every night. I never felt worthless on days he didn't. The advice from your family member feels odd to me.

Now my spouse WOH, and he still cooks dinner the vast majority of the time. I cook dinner maybe once every few months.

There was a time during both that he didn't have his own current account. It took years and some convincing after his student account was closed due to a fuckup that he needed and could get something more in his name other than an ISA. He went so long without an account in his name with bills coming out of that even with more bills in his name, my credit score is still significantly higher. I'd recommend getting that checked and maybe tweaking so you're both in the best position you can be in.

I’m a sahm. I do cook dinner every night apart from weekends when it’s a bit more of a team effort.

He puts money into my account though , I don’t have to ask him for money.

I'm finding it odd reading this thread because the real issue is so obviously obscured.

OP, do any of the following apply to you? Does your DP:

• Give you an allowance calculated based on what he things you should be spending money on (groceries etc.) without any input from you on your needs.
• Require you to account for everything you spend.
• Has pressured you to quit your job or sabotaged your work responsibilities (for instance, by not doing his share of the childcare/housework).
• Feel entitled to your money or assets.
• Spend your money without your knowledge
• Control how all of the household finances are spent
• Limit your ability to attend job training, pursue higher education, or otherwise advance your career
• Limit your access to your own bank account or mutual bank accounts
• Live in your home without working or helping with household tasks
• Max out credit cards in your name (and then doesn’t make payments on those credit cards)
• Threaten to cut you off financially when you disagree
• Use funds from children’s savings account without mutual agreement
• Prevent you from working by hiding your keys, or offering to babysit and then not showing up
• Engage in other forms of abuse like belittling or physical abuse when they get angry over your spending habits

I ask because these are signs of financial abuse and, to the extent that any of them apply, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship.

Can you even take your child out somewhere nice for the day without asking for money in advance?

. Sounds like your dp likes to be a dominator. And he wants to feel in charge. And warshipped. And loves the idea of you groveling for money.

If my husband made me beg for money to cook HIM some food then he would not be eating any food.

Stand up for yourself op. Ask him for a weekly allowance or something. Or a little credit card for yourself. But nip this maniac behaviour in the bud.

When I was a SAHM I cooked dinner every night. I had joint access to our money though.

@Pinkandblue20

Yes have discussed marriage i asked if we could get married ( we've been together over a decade and not even engaged ! ) but he said that's something he needs to ask me but I don't see that happening

Why should he marry you and give you the financial protection of being married, when he has a live-in housekeeper, cook and bed-warmer at minimal cost?

Step outside the situation and consider how you would respond to your sister or a friend in this situation. YANBU not to cook dinner for him every night. YABU, YABVVU, to remain in this relationship.

My dh and I have always had joint accounts regardless of who earns what. If I want to buy something I do and vice versa. We’re both sensible enough, usually, not to buy stupid things. (Although the huge family tent after the dc had already left home was an idiotic purchase).
I couldn’t live with anyone who gave me an allowance or worse still I asked every time I needed something.

I have been a sahm for 15 years.

I am married, on the mortgage and the deeds, have access to all monies earned by Dh, never have to ask for any money, I just access it. Just like he accesses it when he needs it. I own a car in my name paid for entirely by Dh.

Yes I did do as many dinners as possible but they key is in the words, as possible. I also tried to get as much as the housework done as possible during the day.

However, Dh was a full hands on Dad and knew that some days are harder than others. I was the queen of batch cooking and the slow cooker which meant that a lot of dinners were very easy.

Ds2 was an entirely different child, severe reflux, under a paediatrician, on prescription formula and was literally attached to me to stay upright. Demanding baby and a 3 year old meant less time to do housework. Dh understood this as he parented both children when I went out for the day/night/weekend.

OP you are in a vulnerable position because you are unmarried. What is your housing situation? If rented and he gave notice you would really struggle to find somewhere to live, that actually happened to a woman who posted on here.

I'm a (married) SAHM. We share the cooking 50/50-ish. I do all of the cleaning but he washes up/puts away and gets up in the night with the children because I'm lazy he's much better on broken sleep than I am.

We don't have a joint account, because I see no benefit to it whatsoever. We use his account for mortgage/bils/groceries/car stuff/days out and my account for things for the children. I will never understand the MN hysteria over seperate finances.

There's much more to worry about here than who cooks dinner

I'm a SAHM and I cook dinner most nights. DH does lunch at the weekends and meals when I'm not feeling up to it.

We have a joint account. His full salary goes into that, then we both get "pin money" each month. It makes life easier.

SAHM mum here
No joint account, totally pointless.
He just gives me his card.
Yes, dinner on table every night

I'm a SAHM, have been for thirty years. Just before our first child was born and I went on maternity leave, my DH and I went to the bank and made his bank account a joint account, so I could get money out when I needed it so I didn't have to ask him for money.

I always cook dinner during the week, sometimes he cooks weekends, sometimes I do. The only time I didn't was when my DC were young, if we'd had a very, very bad day and I hadn't got the chance to make anything. Those days were few and far between thank goodness.

@ScarMatty

SAHM mum here No joint account, totally pointless. He just gives me his card. Yes, dinner on table every night

Why pointless? I'd say very far from pointless. Why should you have to ask for his card? Why shouldn't you have ready access to money?