If your a sahm

[Pinkandblue20]

If your a sahm and fully reliant on your partner for money do you cook them dinner every night ?
By reliant I mean I have to ask for money it's not in a joint account etc

No I have one child and to the poster who says it's his mum it isn't! This isn't anything to do with his mum at all.
I've asked someone in my family for some advice and they have said maybe that's how he was feeling and I wondered how many other partners cook every night etc

The cooking really, really doesn't matter right now. You have much bigger problems.

(I don't say that to be cruel, but this is like worrying about the color of your pajamas while your house is on fire.)

Clearly there's loads of context you're not sharing, which is fine of course. Apart from all the other considerations though, can you ever imagine a woman saying she felt worthless because somebody else didn't cook her tea every night? Because, genuinely, I can't. Even my kids get their own tea sometimes.

In regards to your original question, I was raised by a SAHM and she would make dinner every night. Although my dad would usually make one or two meals at the weekend, due to enjoying cooking.

If I was a SAHM, I personally would make all the meals. But I think it's more because I would want to as DH would be at work all day (old fashioned, I know, but it's my personal view of how I would be and not what I would tell any other SAHMs to do) saying that, if I'd had a stressful day or something, my husband would always take over as he's really helpful, so maybe I don't know any different and what it's like to be expected.

@Pinkandblue20

No I have one child and to the poster who says it's his mum it isn't! This isn't anything to do with his mum at all. I've asked someone in my family for some advice and they have said maybe that's how he was feeling and I wondered how many other partners cook every night etc

I was just guessing that it was his mum because you’re being so obtuse

By taking a punt, we at least now know that it’s someone in your family.

Honestly, I would just start a new thread and use your words

What is the actual problem?

I do have some of my own money because I work two evenings a week, but the majority of that goes on Bill's and things for our children so I do have to ask for money - I do cook every night for my partner, and wash up too, as well as cleaning, washing and being a stay at home parent the rest of the week.

Why are you asking for money and no i didn't when I was.

OP, he has got you into the position of feeling like he is a good guy because he allows you to have money for things you need when you ask.

Can you not see the power dynamic he has set up here? Some men are like that - they try to get their wives to believe that the very ordinary things they do make them really good guys, or in this case, that the exceptionally bad things they do make them good guys.

He holds ALL the cards. You are not married and he is clearly refusing to as he understands very well, that if you marry it will cost him a lot if he decides to divorce you. He has already forward planned to protect his security and wealth to the total and complete detriment of you.

Presumably you have no savings and are unable to build them up as you need to ask him for money for specific purchases. He's almost certainly planned that too.

Only because yet again I’ve lost my card. So it’s a bit of an eye roll and passes his over to me. It’s a joint account anyhow.

You need to think long and hard if you want to be with your boyfriend who wants you to be in such a precarious situation. Your boyfriend very clearly doesn't want to marry you personally. Is marriage and financial security not important to you given your circumstances?

That should have said leave you, not divorce you. He can just kick you out whenever he likes.

Was it your mum who said it? And regardless of who it was are you worried your relationship isn't going well. Because dinner on the table every night is not the emancipated woman's relationship fixer

Don't you stay at home Mums have to organise direct debits and bills?
Isn't child benefit, ahem, FOR THE CHILD, not you?
Oh dear me. I have always organised bliddy everything . I am not the main breadwinner, I am mainly at home.
I have a great partner who will do any housework if he has time.
But yeah I would cook him a meal at the drop of the hat.
But also...I have my own bank account and my own savings.
My partner transfers money to me, as much as he can each month for bills, but I do pay a lot of them myself. He buys food, I cook it.
He clears up.
But this not the Victorian era. Do not paint yourself into a corner.

If you stay at home to facilitate him being able to work without restriction, then no you shouldn't feel obliged to cook dinner every night. If however your stay at home simply because you prefer to then you probably have more of an obligation during the days he's at work (assuming your DC doesn't require 24/7 attention).

However you do sound as though you're in a massively vulnerable position financially.

My husband was a stay at home parent.

He never, ever, had to ask for money. And I definitely didn't expect him to cook every night.

I’m a sham. Yes I cook most nights and definitely all week days but our children are very young so we eat at 5.15 as soon as DH finishes work. Yesterday we were later home from the park at lunch time so DH made lunch for us coming home - he is currently working from home. He does all the laundry. I won’t be with a man who would expect me to go and ask him for money. We have a joint account for family expenses and we each have a ‘pocket money’ account for personal spends eg clothes, make up, going out with friends. We both have the same amount of pocket money.

PS, these money controlling partners do NOT hold all the cards. If you leave they have to give you 50% anyways. Why not ensure you have a joint bank account NOW and ensure your name is on the mortgage. Someone who has kids and won't do this is a dinosaur.

Eh?

Why would you have to ask for money and what does money have to do with who cooks?

Hi OP, I'm a SAHP at the moment and no I don't cook every night. If DH has had a long day/is knackered etc, then I'll try to make sure there's something hot ready for him - but actually he's been WFH since Covid and has done most of the cooking, since he's better at it than I am and actually enjoys doing it while I usually get into a sweaty rage :)

However, I have to agree with PPs that your situation doesn't sound healthy for you or your kid. I don't think after a decade together you should be asking him for his card when you need money - I think the two of you should have some joint account (even if he is the only one paying into it) so that you have ready access to money you need for yourself and the household costs.

I'd also want you to think about the future and where you stand if anything changes. E.g. do the two of you have wills sorted? If a terrible thing happens have you got it organised what happens to each other and your child?

If you were married then you'd have rights to 50% of everything if you divorced, and the logic of that is that you sustained the family while he financed it - under the law that's an equal job. I think you should be trying to work up to having an honest conversation with him about all this because he's holding all the power in this relationship and that's not very healthy - and potentially it sets a bad example to your child about "how relationships should work". If I were you I'd want to get this sorted ASAP so you're modelling a better family situation to your DC.

Best of luck XX

I have a joint account and savings, I don't ask for money and there is no way that I'm obliged to cook for my husband every night!!!

If you leave they have to give you 50% anyways

No they don't. They are not married. She has no entitlement to anything other than child maintenance, if she is the primary carer. And lots of men find it pretty easy to avoid paying even that.
If she is not on the mortgage ( be very surprised if she is) she has no claim to the house either.

SAHM, I'm actually in charge of all the financials and make sure bills are paid, etc. Full access to accounts so no need to ask for anything but of course we discuss large purchases. My DH cooks dinner most nights bc he is working from home and 100x better cook than me :) I do most of the cleaning and make sure kids are taken care of while he works. Soon as he's done work he's playing with the kids or helping me with whatever needs to get done. He does gardening/outdoors work. It's kind of a pink job/blue job set up but we are both happy with our roles and I do plan to go back to work once the kids are older.