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AIBU?

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Original poster

I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

227 replies

DaisyMcJ · 20/08/2020 09:57

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

OP posts:
Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 20/08/2020 13:11

You also do come across as jealous of his relationship with his family.

I’m not sure where you’re picking up jealousy from. I think OP sounds anything but jealous. She’s happy with seeing her own family the amount she does and doesn’t feel a need to see more of bf’s family. That’s not jealousy!

ItsIslandTime · 20/08/2020 13:12

He sounds awful. I think you should either dump him or have a proper discussion about this. He is trying to control you and do what he wants you to do. It is NOT ok. It’s especially worrying in such a new relationship.

It’s not worth this crap.

MordredsOrrery · 20/08/2020 13:12

After reading your updates, OP, I'd feel very wary. He isn't letting you be you, you have to behave exactly the way he thinks is ok, or be told that you're the problem.

Been there, done that and it doesn't get better. You end up forgetting who you are.

Pittapitta · 20/08/2020 13:13

I don’t think either is unreasonable, he probably wants you to go to “represent” him as it were. I think you both just have different expectations and experiences of family. Neither are wrong neither are bad. I think you will need to think about how much contact you are comfortable with if you settle down with him long term as it sounds like you how different ideas.

jessstan2 · 20/08/2020 13:13

You're not unreasonable if you feel awkward but if you think your relationship is 'going somewhere', it wouldn't hurt to drop in for a cuppa. I'm sure your boyfriend's mum would appreciate it and you might find you thaw a little.

Entirely up to you though.

DopamineHits · 20/08/2020 13:14

Relationships can work with an extrovert and introvert - or whatever clashing personalities the two of you have - as long as they both allow each other to be comfortable. Your BF wants you to act like him. It's probably not going to work and you'll save yourself a lot of future stress by walking away, but that's just my opinion.

But if you want to try and make it work you need to stand up for yourself. Don't visit his family if you don't want to! He says he "would" visit yours alone, but he hasn't has he? He's asking more of you than he does of himself.

Pittapitta · 20/08/2020 13:19

I’ve now read all update. I think LTB he clearly doesn’t “get” you and he’s always on at you, you’re not married and no kids- it just sounds exhausting

SandAndSea · 20/08/2020 13:21

I agree with Bluntness & Fizzy.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're different people.
Your bf sounds immature, controlling and disrespectful.
Also, don't go thinking his parents' age is relevant - it isn't.

Rainbunny · 20/08/2020 13:24

Sorry OP but in your position I would be seriously re-thinking whether I want to continue in the relationship.

You're getting a warning here if you choose to see it. He clearly has a very close, highly involved family. That's nice but it's not for everyone.

I'm like you OP, I don't need full on, regular contact with my family and I find families that are extremely involved with each other to be stifling and claustrophobic. My inlaws are a very close-knit family and due to circumstances, myself and DH live a great distance from them (no real work in our professions close to them). My BIL, who married my Dh's sister enthusiastically embraced being close to the family, they moved close to my PILs and a decade later he's desperate to leave. Everytime we visit, at some point BIL will whisper to us how smart we are to stay away. Last Christmas BIL took me aside and said "Whatever you do, don't be talked into moving here!" It turned out that my PIL had gotten wind of BIL & SIL's plans to move away (for the sake of their marriage) and they were starting to drop heavy hints to my DH about us moving back to his hometown. Never going to happen but I really feel for my BIL who has lost privacy and autonomy over the years by allowing his inlaws to be so involved and always present.

peanutsandpinenuts · 20/08/2020 13:25

I dunno... you've been together a year and a bit. Assuming this relationship is for keeps what's the big deal? Whats an hour or two of your time in seven weeks?

Its a short drive, you have a cuppa, make a bit of small talk. Perhaps have somewhere you need to be later in the afternoon so it doesn't drag on. A little bit of effort could help you build a good relationship with a woman who might be in your life for some time to come. Worth overcoming a little bit of awkwardness for I'd say. If you'd said she wasn't a nice person my answer would be different.

We can get a bit quick on here to declare people controlling etc. perhaps he just wants you to get on with his family because they are important to him. I expect that from my partner and he of me. What's the big deal?

Ilovetea33 · 20/08/2020 13:26

And he said I need to admit to myself that I dont like his family.
So he knows better than you what your feelings are? That's a huge red flag right there.
He's a manipulative little person and everything has to be on his terms. Take this time while he's away to disengage. You can find somebody who will like you for who you are without you having to twist yourself like a pretzel.

Cadent · 20/08/2020 13:27

Can you imagine the reverse? A woman working away and asking her boyfriend to pop in and have tea with her parents. It would never happen. Wifework bullshit starts quickly.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 20/08/2020 13:27

I also think you should proceed with caution op. I think he has potential to be controlling , the two examples you've given are small , but you've felt discomfort and that is a concern.

It also looks like he's attempting to keep you busy while he's away. You don't need to be told how to use your time.

derxa · 20/08/2020 13:27

There are some very strange responses on here. I wonder whether they are all from the same people who never answer their phones or open their front doors. Grin Probably

FLOrenze · 20/08/2020 13:30

I do feel that you need to have a conversation with him about how he makes you feel. He is unhappy with your personality and the behaviours you display. The way he voices the criticism using such accusatory words makes you feel bad.

I would ask Him how he would feel if you asked him to change his behaviour and personality. If you were to say, ‘can you try not to be so forceful and chat away or everyone you meet? Obviously you feel that you are the life and soul of the party but it gets on my nerves’

If he cannot see that he is being equally ridiculous, you both need to assess the future of your relationship.

Iloveacurry · 20/08/2020 13:34

I’ve been with my husband 20 years, married for 15 of those. If I’m honest, I don’t visit my ILs without my husband. So no, you’re not being unreasonable.

Tapiocaisbleurgh · 20/08/2020 13:35

This will be your future if you bow to it now. Your needs unmet. Your voice unheard. Your desires trampled over. The hills are that way >>>>>>> RUN!

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/08/2020 13:38

Ugh this relationship sounds exhausting. He’s trying to change you and you’ll constantly be exhausted as you’ll have to be “on” all the time and never just be yourself.

I’d use the time he’s away to move out frankly

101jobs · 20/08/2020 13:40

@Mommabear20

IMO being with someone means being part of the family and making the effort expected in that family. I frequently went to DH (then bf) parents house, took his dad to doctors appointments etc. That's what they do in their family and if i was with their son I was considered family and was flattered!
I wholeheartedly agree with this
MulticolourMophead · 20/08/2020 13:42

We can get a bit quick on here to declare people controlling etc. perhaps he just wants you to get on with his family because they are important to him. I expect that from my partner and he of me. What's the big deal?

It's not because he wants her to be close with his family that we see potential controlling behaviours.

It's that he was so quick to dismiss her feelings when they were alone and basically tell her he knew she didn't like his family without listening to her telling him she did. He's already presuming to know what she's feeling better than she does.

He's clearly an extrovert, doesn't "get" introverts and isn't listening to OP telling him what she needs.

OP, I don't think it'll get better, but you could try having a serious talk.

PollyHasAPocket · 20/08/2020 13:42

No I'd find this weird in your situation.

I love my PILs so probably would do this myself but thats because we've been married and together a while so I've built a relationship with them independently.

VividImagination · 20/08/2020 13:47

I would invite them to a local (to them) garden centre, or similar, for a “bite of lunch” or coffee. You could have a wander round. Something to eat and then you can all go home. You won’t need to think so much about making conversation.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 20/08/2020 13:47

After your latest post Op, I'd think seriously about this relationship and what sort of future you would have if you end up living together or married. I can't help feel that your feelings will be sidelined and you will be pressured or bullied into conforming with his family dynamic and your feelings over ridden completely. I feel uncomfortable listening to how he won't just let you be.

FinallyHere · 20/08/2020 13:51

perhaps he just wants you to get on with his family because they are important to him. I expect that from my partner and he of me. What's the big deal?

It's great that your expectations of each other coincide. That isn't what OP has described here. Here, we have mismatched expectation where one party, him, is trying to override the other. Saying he will be 'sad' if she does do what he wants.

How disagreements are resolved (or not) is IMO key to the success of any relationship.

Riding roughshod is never good. Agreeing to disagree (and then not complain) is OK. Finding a compromise that works equally well for both would be ideal.

If either party cannot even contemplate that the other may have different expectations and work with that, then, really the sooner you accept that you are not compatible, the less time you have wasted.

gingerandsmall · 20/08/2020 13:53

I had a boyfriend who arranged for me to go and see his parents while he was away and I said I didn't want to. He said he and they would be 'upset' if I didn't. I didn't go. The next time he went away he locked me in the house. He's using his parents to keep an eye on you. Run and don't look back.