I don't want to visit boyfriend's mum on my own

[DaisyMcJ]

Hello,
I feel awful writing this thread as she is a lovely woman.

Boyfriend is very close with his family (ofcourse) but as in he is used to big family meals, family get togethers, family holidays, his sister is down in his parents house almost every weekend (she lives about an hour away) and he has to see her otherwise the family will wonder why not.

Whereas i'm very close to my family but in a different way. We don't have big family meals, I could go months without seeing my brother (who I love) and I wouldn't bat an eyelid, I see my grandparents a few times a year and tbh I don't really speak to any of my cousins (not badly but we just grew apart). Once a year the whole family get together on boxing day in someone's house which is lovely. I live with my parents and sister and brother and we're a close unit the 5 of us.

So basically, boyfriend works away and is away for 7 weeks. He has told me he'd be upset if I didn't go visit his parents (they live about a 25 minute drive from me) even if it was just for a cup of tea one day.
I don't mind this per say but I just feel a bit awkward (I wouldn't say i'm an awkward person, but I feel sometimes I just don't know what to say). When boyfriend's there, sometimes I still feel a bit quiet, so on my own I feel dread at going.

It probably sounds silly but I don't know how to explain the feeling. I'm 26 and his parents are in their 50s.

If you have kids are you going to downgrade or give up your career to allow his to continue to rise uninterrupted? If that happens will you be expected to pick up his duties as a son towards his parents? Picking birthday presents, weekly visits, caring for them when they are older and unable , shopping for them, cleaning, speaking to medical staff? Have you thought about this? Would you be willing to do this?

Is this what he is expecting further down the road?

He’s a proper little shit, isn’t he?

He’s allowed to say, “hey - mum would love it if you popped over when I’m away, she really likes you. Obviously only if you fancy it*”
*he has to mean that

He’s not allowed to say he’ll be disappointed if you don’t.

You’re NOT entertainment for his family

All the stuff, telling you off for being in a mood, and not liking them? He’s horrible.

You may not be interested in children now or in the future... but if you might be, can you imagine the quiet day you want to spend with your toddler being taken away from you, because he’s dictating it has to include his mum?

Honestly - I have a suspicion that if you opened your eyes you’d start to find other examples of him telling you how you should be. Fuck that.

It’s not about whether you want to see them or not, whether you’re introverted or extroverted. It’s about him telling you what to do - no no no.

If she's elderly and infirm and needed a helping hand - of course I'd go.
If she herself asked me over for a morning coffee - of course I'd go.
If we often meet up for shopping, cinema etc - it would be natural to go and I wouldn't have to be forced by her son.
If I felt awkward, was told to go for no other reason than to keep her son happy - no fucking way. Especially as he knows your levels of discomfort. Git.

I've been with DH for a long time but had never been on my own with my ILs until recently, when I ended up staying for a, couple of nights with them. I was able to forge a new, closer relationship with them rather than always having him being the person who knew them/did all the talking. Perhaps consider it? Remember that it might feel a bit weird for them too, but maybe they want to have a relationship with their 'DIL'. I love DS's ex-girlfriend and we enjoy each other's company.

What he wants is one thing, lots of regular family things, what you want is another, once a year is fine. Neither is wrong. But they don't really go together.

He's a nasty piece of work.

He'll be upset if you don't go & see his mum?

So fucking what-what about you & what you want?

I'd find that very uncomfortable. He needs to learn that different people have different types of relationships and personalities. Not everyone wants to visit their own family that often, much less someone else's mother! It's simply not necessary!

It would be different if you were closer to his mother or she was housebound or otherwise cut off and lonely, with no family to visit her during your boyfriend's absence. Then, I would make an effort to visit her, if I felt sure she'd appreciate the company. But to visit her on your own just because he thinks it would be nice? I'd be annoyed at his pressuring and would wonder if this was a sign that he'd end up pestering me in other ways.

@RandyLionandDirtyDog

I’m in my mid-fifties and think it’s very sad that you view visiting his parents as a massive ordeal. Why not invite them to meet you in a coffee shop for a cake and coffee. You only need to allow an hour tops and if you’re uncomfortable talking, ask them questions about their lives instead.

Sadly, some DIL’s on here seem pretty selfish when it comes to prioritising their own parents over their in-laws and think making an effort to forge a good relationship is somehow beneath them.

Exactly what i was thinking. Really shocked by this thread. I view DH family as my own even when seriously dating.

Hmm.
First post - your bf sounds a bit weird, and I can't imagine why he wants you to do that as his parents don't appear to be in need of a visit from some relative in that time.

Later posts - he's really pushing you to behave the way he wants you to and isn't listening at all to your (perfectly valid) reasons as to why you can't.

He has a bee in his bonnet now that you "don't like" his family, because you have a need for quiet. (as an aside, have you been assessed for ADHD/ ASD at all? Making an effort to be social that then wears you out is a possible marker for that) This is ridiculous of him and he should stop pushing, as he's making a "thing" out of it when it isn't one.

But I think, in all fairness, that unless he starts to LISTEN to you and take your word for what is going on, then he's not the right one for you and you should consider cutting your losses and finding someone who isn't going to constantly push you out of your comfort zone - it's very wearing and will end up causing resentment on both sides!

Back to his actual request - too fucking weird and I wouldn't want to do it. My first BF, I don't think I visited his mother without him being there until we actually split up (we were engaged), which was after 11 years! I only went to get her take on it (and I wish I hadn't bothered).

My MIL now - I have known for 15 years and I still wouldn't just pop over for a cup of tea on my own. I've been to visit her when she's not well, taken stuff over, helped her out - but not a "cuppa and a chat" sort of visit. I remember her ringing me once, quite early on I think, for "just a chat" and it totally threw me! I'm quite introverted too, to be fair.

@gingerandsmall

I had a boyfriend who arranged for me to go and see his parents while he was away and I said I didn't want to. He said he and they would be 'upset' if I didn't. I didn't go. The next time he went away he locked me in the house. He's using his parents to keep an eye on you. Run and don't look back.

He LOCKED YOU IN THE HOUSE??? How long was he gone for?!

"Exactly what i was thinking. Really shocked by this thread. I view DH family as my own even when seriously dating."

Chances are you'll see the stark difference between his family and yours if you ever separate from their son (unless their son's a real shit and they side with you). I used to spend a lot of 1-2-1 time with my ex MIL but contact fizzled out pretty quickly after my divorce.

I never visited ILs on my own until the final year of my late MIL's life. I was with ex for over 30 years.

And the reason I went on my own in that last year was because MIL needed help (she had cancer) and her own son dumped that help onto me. Even when she was ill, he didn't bother seeing her more often than about once a fortnight, with may be 1 or 2 phone calls in between. He was never close to his parents or siblings.

And then again, we never saw much of my dad's family growing up. His father was a seriously abusive man who scared the shit out of me. I don't regard them as family, I'm certainly not close to any of them.

So, those of you who are feeling shocked that people don't regard their DH's/DP's family as also their family, well, newsflash, we are all different and "family" can mean very different things to us all.

Wow, whether or not you visit your MIL is by the by, your DP has been treating you terribly. You need to leave him behind before you get any more tangled in each other's lives. He is punishing you for not behaving how he wants.

Based on your added context, basically he resents the fact that you are an introvert and wants you to change yourself into an extrovert to please him. Don’t change yourself to please someone else, if you don’t want to do it he should respect that. It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with his family anyway

@DaisyMcJ

That's what i've told him, I've told him that i'm not the type of person that has to see people regularly, I can go weeks without seeing my best friend when we're both busy but it doesnt mean I don't like her, Whereas boyfriend feels "it would be really nice and it'd make him happy", and now I just feel pressure to go one week

Instead of going could you just phone her and say unfortunately you won’t make it over or you could take her out for coffee and take your mum too.

@gingerandsmall

I had a boyfriend who arranged for me to go and see his parents while he was away and I said I didn't want to. He said he and they would be 'upset' if I didn't. I didn't go. The next time he went away he locked me in the house. He's using his parents to keep an eye on you. Run and don't look back.

I assume he very quickly became an ex after that!

Some people are forgetting this is a fairly young relationship of just 14 months, 5 of which have been in lockdown / social distancing. He is asking her to act like a married woman.
As for the comment 'you don't sound like a nice person' seriously!!!

It would be every bit as weird for the parents to go and visit the op. As it is to expect her to visit them.

They aren't even living together, they aren't partners, he is a boyfriend, nothing more.
I actually think she should ditch him - resting bitch face - WTF??

I don't post too much but it's a rainy day today!

Well thank god for that Twoginsonetonic and what a shame that you decided to wade in on this one. I think that you are totally wrong and how dare you say the op doesn't sound like "a very nice human being".

Too many woman are controlled by men who feel that they can issue commands and that their female partners should jump. The fact that the op doesn't want to visit his parents in no way makes her a bad person and her partner should respect her wishes and decisions. Like others have said this smacks of wife work.

I'm wondering if he doesn't want to see his family as much as he does, so he's trying to groom the op to take his place.

After all, he's the one who's chosen to go away for 7 weeks...

By the by, I both answer my phone and the door. I even let workmen use my loo. Do I pass?

Your boyfriend sounds truly unpleasant. Why is he instructing you to go to visit his parents, it is all very bizarre. Would be very different if you had that type of relatonship with them and if you did he wouldnt need to be telling you.

My Dh tried to get me to set up a weekly call with his mum because his brothers wife called her. I told him to bugger off and that I have no reason to speak to his mother, he called her three times a week and i speak to my own family. I have never gone to see his parents without him either.

I am wondering if this boyfriend has lost other girlfriends because of the way he forces them to have a relationship with his family instead of allowing it to develop naturally? Bullying the OP about it is nasty.

OP, do trust your gut feeling on this, if he is given the power to make you do things that make you uncomfortable, he will keep on doing it. Please consider carefully whether you would be better off out of this relationship.

God OP, you’ve had some awful responses on here. I swear people are batshit, arselickers or both! To the people saying IL’s are your own family, they’re not. The relationship is conditional on you being with their son/ daughter. Should you ever split up and your ex moves onto someone else, it’s highly doubtful you’ll get a look in.

OP, I’d feel exactly the same as you and I’m a pretty sociable person. In fact so are all my friends but I don’t know any of them that would happily go and spend time with their MIL seperate from their partners. Especially if it was a fairly new relationship, which 14 months is!

I agree that I would really watch him in future as he sounds very manipulative. I just wouldn’t mention the parent visit again and if he brings it up just say ‘I don’t know if I’m going to have the time.’ If he pushes tell him outright AGAIN that you’re not comfortable doing that yet at this stage of the relationship and you’d rather he didn’t push the subject. You can say you really like his family but you just don’t feel the need to visit whilst he’s away.

If his response to that is to blow his lid so much that it forces you to do it...could you not see that that’s wrong? If this does happen then you absolutely should walk away as I’m telling you now, it’ll only get worse.

MIL and I went out for the day once, as arranged by her. It was nice enough don’t get me wrong but we’re very different people with very different personalities and I have to admit I felt drained after and haven’t rushed back to do it again.

I think you could tell him that while his social expectations are not wrong, per se, but that yours are different and therefore to impose his expectations on you is unfair.

My dh invited his mum to my birthday party. No, she was not welcome, if I had thought that a woman in her 70s would enjoy the party which was in a pub with lots of leery drunk people and very loud rock'n'roll then I 'd have taken my mum too. It was a nightmare.

Blackbear, he did, but I was so brainwashed that I thought he locked me in for my own safety. It took a broken hand and me very nearly giving up my place at university at his request before I got rid of him. I was 18 at the time and we were only together 3 months. I dread to think what would it would have escalated to if I'd stayed longer. OP's posts sound so similar to what I experienced at that half of me thinks it's the same guy.

When my dd was born I used to meet mil from work and we would spend the afternoon together.. Dh was working.. Gave me a chance to get to know my dd's dgm. Gave me assurance she would be a happy baby if I ever left her to babysit!!
Nothing weird about seeing her with dh tagging along.
I know damn well I wouldn't have made so much effort if I had been told to do it though!
I am thinking your bf has always promised them you will visit as a soother for him being away...
He sounds a bit controlling in things you mentioned which def isn't good.
Also wondering if you have health issues as I can't imagine classing myself as 'tired' from spending time with people...
And I am 49!!