Req money as wedding present

[kb16]

I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

@lakesidesummer

Its rude, grabby and trashy to ask for cash for your wedding

Surely it is even trashier to turn up a wedding with no gift, or a gift you know isn't wanted?

Assuming you are only invited to weddings of friends and family why wouldn't you put their wants before yours in terms of gift?

If its not wanted it wouldn't be on the wedding registry. If they ask for cash they get NOTHING. I wouldn't even go to the wedding let alone show up with a gift. I would have nothing to do with them. Im more than a cash machine.. Now of they were to do a honeymoon registry? I'm all about that and its becoming very popular for people My friends and family are on the same page as me when it comes to money for weddings so not an issue

On a recent wedding invitation from extended family, it said something like, ‘We have a very small flat with no room for any more stuff, so there’s nothing we need. However if anyone would be kind enough to contribute cash towards our honeymoon, it would be very much appreciated.’

We thought that was perfectly nice and inoffensive, and did give them cash - which is always easier anyway.

Personally I’d find a poem suggesting cash very cringeworthy, though.

Yuck yuck yuck. Just awful.

When we got married we requested nothing. Presence over presents.

I usually offer vouchers of some sort but I hate been obliged to.

@Leaannb

Its rude and grabby. If I got that invite it would be thrown in the trash and you would not be in my life. Its a ridulous amount of entitlement to expect others to pay for your vacation. If you can't afford a vacation don't go

Have you ever been to a wedding where they've asked for a toaster or a cheese knife as part of their gift list? I'm presuming you wouldn't buy them a toaster too - if they can't afford, why ask?

Asking for money is no different than asking for presents. Most people swap for gift vouchers anyway.

What did you ask for at your wedding? Or are you unmarried?

I think it's fine. I would give money.

It’s really only an issue when people have unrealistic expectation of money gifts. Some couples seem to expect £100 +.

@MollieMaeve

I don’t understand people having an issue with it.

When we got married we said nothing about gifts in the invitation as we’d lived together for a long time and didn’t need anything - what followed was a phone call/text from almost everyone coming asking what we wanted as a gift. We maintained that we didn’t want anything and every single guest still gave us cash or vouchers.

I personally like giving people something when they get married and would rather have guidance whether a gift list or cash towards their honeymoon.

Exactly. We had a tiny wedding - invites sent via text ("we're getting married at 11am two Saturdays from now, want to come?"), no white dress, registry office ceremony, our parents and about 8 friends as guests, lunch afterwards at high street chain restaurant, no gift list. People still very kindly gave us gifts despite us saying (as politely as is possible) that it was totally unnecessary. Extended family members who weren't invited got us gifts. The vast majority of people expect to give a gift for a wedding.

Leaannb you are hilarious. You know those honeymoon registries aren't really that? So when you buy someone the sunset balloon ride on their list you're actually just contributing to a general pot of money. So you are just being asked for cash still just in a different way.

And the people who would happily buy a gift that they think would be wanted, but refuse to spend the same amount of money on contributing to an experience that the couple definitely do want just baffle me.

It's such a relief when
A) people spell out what they want so I don't have to bloody guess!! And probably get it wrong
B) Ask for money! So much easier and more convenient for me.
I'll still write out a nice, personal message in a card - the gift doesn't need to be personal.

I feel bad giving cash if it's not requested so if you don't put a request for money I will have to spend some valuable time wondering what to get, googling, a trip to John Lewis, wrapping ... I would much rather not, even if I like you a lot.

There is no such thing as a nice poem asking for money.

When dh and I got married we had no clue and just put a note in saying if anyone wanted details of accommodation, directions or the wedding list to call MIL.

Since then several of dhs cousins have married and none have had a wedding list. They have all sent twee requests saying they just want us there but if we want then money towards a honeymoon etc. We have given all of them a cheque but it would have been so much more fun to choose a gift.

We might have been cheeky but no one minded, we married over 20 years ago, dh was the first GC to marry and we had a lovely small family (his side, I have none) wedding. Sensible time, quick photos, decent meal, no two level invitations, paid for bar.

[quote Leaannb]@ShirleyPhallus...I wouldn't like them after they begged for money and I wouldn't associate with them. I have better things to do with my money than send someone on vacation. I would take that money that would have been used for a wedding gift and donate to the Ronald McDonald Organization or Hurricane relief depending on the time of year. I would never talk to them again[/quote]
Would you be prepared to spend £25 on a present on their gift list? What's the difference?

I like a wedding gift website with a mixture of honeymoon experiences and physical gifts do people can choose what they'd prefer or obviously, to give nothing at all (although how people think it's okay to turn up at a wedding with no gift is beyond me!)

I don't like the poems and cringe a bit, but they are a popular choice. If it feels authentic to you, then of course do it.

Congratulations on your wedding too

I prefer the request for money so I don’t have to do anything thinking at all. I hate the twee poems, also money makes the most sense as most couples live together before marriage now so they have everything they need.

@bubblesforlife

I did go to a wedding where it said no box gifts please.... if that helps. It’s much politer

It is really not. It is even more grabby than asking for money imo.

No issue requesting money.

Poems requesting money are hideous

Personally, I just wouldn't mention it at all.

But equally, I can't get too worked up about it either. It seems to be the norm now.

But, it does cost a fair bit to attend a wedding (and whilst it's lovely to be invited and involved, it's something someone else chose to do for themselves) so I can see why people think it's cheeky. If it were any other party you chose to arrange, you wouldn't ask people to pay for your subsequent holiday!
But I certainly wouldn't be ripping it up and flouncing out of your life!

We got invited to an Irish wedding last year (distant cousin). There was no info about gifts on the invite but the mother of the bride personally rang up every family to recommend they give £150 per person.
Per person!!
There are 5 of us in our family, so £750 for a gift. Not to mention travel and hotels.
We were busy that weekend.

I agree that putting any sort of gift request in with the invitation comes across as grabby and tacky. Wait to be asked. If asked then I think it is fine to say that you are saving up for X (honeymoon/building project).

If you dont have anything you are saving for then IMO either request a charity donation (perhaps charity of donors choice) or no gifts at all.

I have no issue with people saying preference for cash in an invite but (as everyone) no poem!

We didn't mention gifts on the invite (it just felt ick plus guests were scattered around the UK and a lot would have to spend quite a bit on travel). We primed family members to say a couple of charities or there was a John Lewis list if asked. There was also a website saying this (but unusual at the time so my parents generation guests didn't look at it). Obviously PIL completely forgot and just told people to get us whatever. The result was people spent money on presents that we had to pay to ship home (we didn't live in the UK) and for the (multiple bottles of champagne) had to give away because we weren't able to take these with us. I felt really bad people had wasted their money but they never knew and my in-laws enjoyed the champagne!

That's a very long way of saying - tell people up front the vast majority of people will prefer it!

You can do wedding lists that are basically cash buy framed as experiences eg “£30 to buy us breakfast on the beach”, “£80 for a helicopter ride”. Or just ask for cash. I didn’t mind being asked

Hate this so much. We have had these requests for cash for the last couple of weddings. One was a silly poem requesting cash for the luxury honeymoon, the latest one just requests cash ( evening only invite). They will be getting a bottle of fizz.

I did it. People now live together before they get married so usually have the house set up and I did NOT need bunch of dust catchers and stuff I wouldn't use🤷🏻
I don't understand why Brits just refuse to do this really practical thing, but demand that they get a chance to gift you some crap while moaning that they have yo spend time buying the said crap

I am one of those who don’t like to get a request for money.
If you need money and can’t afford your own honeymoon and aren’t embarrassed to
Ask for money then go ahead.
Not a poem. Just ask.
This is a divisive issue op !

Weddings are very expensive to attend, with clothes, driving, hotels sometimes too.

You should bear that in mind when inviting people. Have the wedding and the reception you want and can afford. Invite the people you love. Have the honeymoon you can afford.

Any gifts are just the cherry on top. If you ask people for money, you might as well give a minimum amount acceptable! Except, don't. Be grateful for the gifts you receive, and you can guide people by using a gift registry.

Only on Mumsnet do people take offense to asking for money for a wedding gift! It’s polite to say you are happy with just their presence, but if they want to give a gift you would prefer money towards your honeymoon or whatever! I’m 33 and a lot of my friends have got married in the last ten years - two had a gift list and everyone else asked for money! Clearly I just have common and tacky and friends