Req money as wedding present

[kb16]

I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

I've never attended a wedding and felt I was part of a transaction. People are so bloody weird about weddings. Ive been to loads and been delighted to be invited, to spend time with friends and family, to have a nice dinner and a fun day and have brought a present because that's part of celebrating, not because I felt it was owed.

It remains unfathomable to me why I am meant to prefer guessing what someone might want rather than being able to get then something that might be something they don't mind.

Of course It’s a transaction with very clearly defined rules & norms
Everyone knows how a wedding goes, and usually knows how to behave

The correct thing to do is no boxed gifts??? Bangs head against wall. It is absolutely the crassiest grabbiest of the lot. If anybody dares put that in an invitation to me they are getting a toaster taken out the box. It really is cringe cringe cringe all the way.

@FuzzyPuffling

Personal view.. I loathe requests for money as a wedding present. I especially loathe money to pay for a honeymoon. I especially, REALLY loathe poems requesting the above.

This.

@SentientAndCognisant

Of course It’s a transaction with very clearly defined rules & norms Everyone knows how a wedding goes, and usually knows how to behave

Well that might be how you feel. I never expected any of my guests to bring me anything and would hate for it to have felt transactional or that they owed anything. And I've never felt that way.

I've never felt I owed a present of any particular value. I've wanted to bring a present but when I've been poorer and attended weddings where the travel and accommodation were a bugger chunk of what I could afford I've brought a present/contribution of lesser value than I might have wanted. I don't think my of my friends thought the worse of me for spending less because I don't think any of them considered it "transactional" either.

Really?a perfunctory perusal of mn you’ll see the expectation of guests/Bride
You’ll also see people refusing to attend because of invite (eve only) Gift list, request for monies, seating plans, whether or not they bring their kids, travel, cost,distance . It goes on
If it were truly about the B&G their wedding day guests wouldn’t be moaning about presents, money etc they’d simply attend And be gracious

So with weddings there are said and unsaid expectations, that’s why they are often so fraught

I think the main thing is to follow the norms in your family and group.

If everyone you know has asked for cash when they got married then it's not going to be a problem.

The signs & symbols in weddings are fascinating.

Back when I got married the wedding was about starting out in life together. The wedding including gifts reflected that. Many of our gifts were to do with setting up a home for the first time. Couples married at their local church or register office (no option to marry elsewhere back then). Reception would then be in a hired hall or hotel, possibly a disco in the evening.

Now, what does a wedding symbolise? Many couples are getting married later often after they have started a family. They are paying for the whole thing themselves so the things they choose must mean something.

Wedding receptions seem to have become events in themselves - the ceremony is less important, what matters is the reception. Asking for money in the invitation does have a slight hint of ticket price for entry to somebody's fantasy wedding.

Asking for money to pay for a holiday to take place at some later date (or not) does feel a bit off to me. Guests may be having to forego their own holiday to be able to attend a wedding and its associated expense

@BarbaraofSeville

Why is it fine to buy someone a toaster if they ask for one but not contribute towards their honeymoon?

A couple could spend all their money on their honeymoon so they couldn't afford household goods, make do with hand me downs and the stuff that's available very cheaply in Argos, supermarkets etc and then have a wedding list of naice household goods at John Lewis and that would be absolutely fine according to the etiquette police.

But if they kitted their house out themselves at John Lewis so they couldn't afford a honeymoon, but asked for money or travel vouchers when guests asked for wedding present ideas then that's considered to be shamefully rude and grabby? Just why?

To be fair, we have had it confirmed already that this isn't about logic. So obviously if we apply any, that's not going to make this viewpoint more comprehensible.

Whilst I understand that couple already living together may not need any homeware type gifts, I find it crass that couple who have already set up home ask for money, especially when they are already very well off to the tune of several 5 star holidays a year, own over £90,000 worth of vehicles and they live in a house about £900,000 away from being a starter home! Unsure what the answer is but perhaps a charitable donation would feel less icky.

@SparklesAllOver You’d chose not to give a wedding gift because they’re affluent?Hows that work
Presumably the cars,the house are a result of their hard work?why would you effectively deny them a wedding gift for having a prosperous lifestyle
Give to charity if they ask for it. But arbitrarily giving the gift to a charity..what point does that make?

If you go round for dinner do you also not bother to take anything on the grounds they can afford to buy their own wine?

Dh and I were the first family wedding and I have realised we are the only ones to have had a wedding list. Everyone else said they didn't want any presents but if..... give us money for our honeymoon.

Of course I would not deny the happy couple a wedding gift, just that it feels distasteful to request money if not needed, that it would appear less crass to give the cash to charity. Also, if I go to dinner I always take a small gift, flowers and wine.

Never ever ask this question to mumsnet!

If I wanted money i would ask for anything, then you'll get it by default.

@kb16

We originally were like you and didn't want to for fear of sounding cheeky! But after a close relative suggested money instead of a list so we don't end up with 6 toasters, 4 kettles, 3 microwaves etc, if anybody asked, we did suggest a small contribution for our honeymoon but made it very clear we'd be happy just to see them.

A lot of guests said how much easier it made things too.

Congratulations on your wedding too! :)