Req money as wedding present

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I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

Haven't rtft in its entirety but, whilst I agree that a poem would be a bit cringe, why is it rude to want money rather than physical gifts? The world has changed. People are likely to have been living together for a few years before marriage so they already have kettles and toasters and suchlike. It's much harder to get into a well-paying job now and home ownership is off the cards for so many people in their twenties and thirties. Why shouldn't they ask politely for either a honeymoon contribution or just the guests' presence rather than a load of stuff they don't need? If you don't want to give them money then don't, but it doesn't seem like something to get offended about.

But who would turn up at a wedding without a gift?
I have attended weddings all around the world some lasted three days, some a couple of hours, some were dry some had endless free bars, all sorts of approaches taken.
But in every single one the couple were given a gift, every one.
Why are we pretending that turning up at a wedding without a gift is a normal thing to do?

It would be rude to request a set amount but stating you would prefer your gift in cash rather than toaster form isn't doing that.

Poem,Christ no. It’s not original,it’s not quirky, It’s cheesy and nasty.
I have no issue giving money,in fact it’s quite sensible,

@anotheronebitesthecrust

Haven't rtft in its entirety but, whilst I agree that a poem would be a bit cringe, why is it rude to want money rather than physical gifts? The world has changed. People are likely to have been living together for a few years before marriage so they already have kettles and toasters and suchlike. It's much harder to get into a well-paying job now and home ownership is off the cards for so many people in their twenties and thirties. Why shouldn't they ask politely for either a honeymoon contribution or just the guests' presence rather than a load of stuff they don't need? If you don't want to give them money then don't, but it doesn't seem like something to get offended about.

The point is that it's wrong to ask.

It's fine to have a preference but you don't express the preference until the would-be giver asks.

I agree with those saying requesting cash is fine, and as other posters have said just please don't include a poem!

Either don't mention presents at all or request cash as that's what you want. If you don't mention presents you'll likely be given cash/ gift cards by the majority of guests.

My wedding invites didn't mention presents and about 60% of guests gave cash and gift cards, the other 40% presents. It was lovely to have fun opening presents and many of them are still in use today, and the cash we received we used for improving our garden.

Those posting about reducing the amount of cash you'd give if it was openly asked for I just don't get it.

Quite mean spirited imo hey.

It's not asking or telling.

It's saying. If you want to buy us a present, this is what we would like.

When my kids go to parties I ask the parents what the kid is into/ would they like a voucher. I'm guessing the 'trust me to buy a present' types are the ones who bring a present to a kids party that the birthday child is deeply not interested in.

Why? I don't get why. Why don't you want to give a gift that you know they want, irrespective of what it is?

I don't understand this at all. Do some kind of (hyacinth bucket) rules mean you genuinely are happier giving something that they may well not like our want than something you know they will appreciate it?

Why???

Do it, I'd rather give you £50 than stress about a toaster

Reading this thread (And contributing) I realise I need to lighten up ! I think life is too short and uncertain for me to keep frowning about certain things.
But no poem, op.

It's fine to have a preference but you don't express the preference until the would-be giver asks.

But this still doesn't explain why you think it's wrong. Why is it better to be all coy about it, pretend that people won't want or expect to buy you a gift, leave them in the dark about what you might want and risk them wasting their money on something that could just end up us clutter? Why is it better to leave the onus on the guest to try to work out what might be wanted and to expend time and energy trying to figure it out? Why isn't it politer to save them the hassle?

If I have to call the couple or their parents to find out what is actually wanted it's a pain in the arse and I'd resent them not just doing the work for me and putting it in the invitation.

I always give money as a wedding gift.
Unless people ask for it. Then they get towels and a picture frame 😉

@Dominicgoings

I always give money as a wedding gift. Unless people ask for it. Then they get towels and a picture frame 😉

How weird and petty.

This thread is one of those times where I feel like Mumsnet is another world. I've been to so many weddings and all but one (which was a pagan-style celebration in a field) had a gift list or asked for money. None of them had a poem (which I agree is corny). We said no gifts required, but set up a honeyfund, where people can pay for specific honeymoon experiences, rather than just cash. We listed things from a round of drinks in a particular bar we planned to visit, to a helicopter ride that some family friends of my DH's clubbed together for. We then included pictures of us doing that activity with the thank you notes. We also included donations to charities in the countries we were visiting and said we would double the donations, which we did.

I personally am quite happy to get people something I know they want and if there was no gift list would find it more stressful. Poems are twee and naff though.

@PerveenMistry do you literally have nothing better to do all day than field phone calls from hundreds of guests asking the same question? Do you realise how rude that is to your guests to assume they should spend time and effort chasing you up or hunting for a gift rather than having a stress free experience of just clicking on what they know you'd like? Not very good hosting.

Also, extending the logic that it's rude to make any demands on people's money (even when it isn't a demand outside your own bizarre head) then it is terribly poor manners to invite anyone to a wedding at all. Suggesting they spend money travelling to your celebration! The horror!! Don't they know that noone cares, noone likes them?

@NiceGerbil

Igiveup so you send the invitations.

The people receiving it say, oh fuck what do they want as a present.

Then what?

Then if people have no ideas of their own, they ask!

I don't understand this at all. Do some kind of (hyacinth bucket) rules mean you genuinely are happier giving something that they may well not like our want than something you know they will appreciate it?

It would appear that way. Imagine the sort of controlling mentality needed to come up with that.

Its so hypocritical! The reality is you hope people will give money towards it. Why just be honest and just say your be grateful for anything towards it?

Most people want to participate anyway. The only time I don't is exactly in this circumstances. It totally puts me off.

I don't understand this at all. Do some kind of (hyacinth bucket) rules mean you genuinely are happier giving something that they may well not like our want than something you know they will appreciate it

It's exactly that. By giving them a gift that you know they don't want, you're demonstrating your moral superiority, according to your own arbitrary rules, which the bride and groom don't follow anyway.

Haven't RTFT but has anyone mentioned that in many other cultures, Irish, Greek and many Asian countries at least, and probably many others, they take the far more sensible option of money being the standard wedding present?

In the UK, in an age where most couples live together before marriage, it is completely outdated and wasteful to give physical items as gifts as they are likely to have everything they need already.

There's also the issue of physical storage in our increasingly smaller housing spaces.

The invitation should not mention gifts of any sort.

If the invited guest asks the host what would be a suitable gift then that is the point where the host makes suitable suggestions which could be directions to a gift list/preferred vouchers/cash for a particular project or activity.

If it is too much bother for the host to handle the volume of people asking what would be a suitable gift then the host should go back to look at their wedding preparations and wonder if the whole thing has got out of control!

Hopefully the host has invited people they know to the wedding not total strangers. That way the host can have a think and maybe guide would be guests eg ask keen gardeners if they could get something for the garden (if that is an option). Maybe ask a crafter if they can make you something (if it is something you would want).

In general dont ask people to give things they wont be comfortable giving. A person on a low budget may be uncomfortable putting £5 in a card even though this may be the equivalent of £100s from a well off guest. They may be a lot more comfortable sourcing a unique and heartfelt gift which doesnt blow their budget.

If it is too much bother for the host to handle the volume of people asking what would be a suitable gift then the host should go back to look at their wedding preparations and wonder if the whole thing has got out of control!

It's too much bother for me as a guest!

@BarbaraofSeville you mention other cultures but isnt it often the case that essentially the same cash gets circulated through families. I go to your wedding and give you €250. You go to the next family wedding and give €250 and so on.

@Pukkatea

Also, extending the logic that it's rude to make any demands on people's money (even when it isn't a demand outside your own bizarre head) then it is terribly poor manners to invite anyone to a wedding at all. Suggesting they spend money travelling to your celebration! The horror!! Don't they know that noone cares, noone likes them?

Well, to be honest, this IS how most people feel. Tying up people's entire weekends and making them travel around the countryside just so the B&G can have a staged pageant is onerous on many guests. It's gotten to the point where being a mere guest let alone attendant is expensive, time-consuming and wearisome.

All to celebrate the "unions" of people who often have been together, lived together and even had kids together for years already.

[quote Pukkatea]@PerveenMistry do you literally have nothing better to do all day than field phone calls from hundreds of guests asking the same question? Do you realise how rude that is to your guests to assume they should spend time and effort chasing you up or hunting for a gift rather than having a stress free experience of just clicking on what they know you'd like? Not very good hosting.[/quote]
Most people won't ask because they are capable of deciding for themselves what sort of gifts they give, without being instructed by the recipient.