Req money as wedding present

[kb16]

I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

@DappledThings

It's fine to have a preference but you don't express the preference until the would-be giver asks.

But this still doesn't explain why you think it's wrong. Why is it better to be all coy about it, pretend that people won't want or expect to buy you a gift, leave them in the dark about what you might want and risk them wasting their money on something that could just end up us clutter? Why is it better to leave the onus on the guest to try to work out what might be wanted and to expend time and energy trying to figure it out? Why isn't it politer to save them the hassle?

If I have to call the couple or their parents to find out what is actually wanted it's a pain in the arse and I'd resent them not just doing the work for me and putting it in the invitation.

I'm sorry but this whole post demonstrates such a gaping lack of knowledge of simple etiquette and social grace.

People who fundamentally don't understand why it's bad manners to presume someone is going to honor you with a gift, and to preemptively direct them about what to give, are apparently unwilling to learn.

Crack on with your poems and demands and "honeyfunds." Keep telling yourselves no one finds it gauche and grabby.

@PerveenMistry well said.

This is not about logic. Good manners are not based on logic. When you visit a friend, you know that you'll be offered a drink but you wouldn't walk through the door and say 'tea with one sugar' would you?

Asking for money is the height of bad manners. Asking for money by way of a poem is the height of bad manners with added cringeworthiness. Asking for anything or putting details of the wedding list in the same envelope as the invitation is nearly as bad but not quite.

It is fine to have a wedding list but you should wait to be asked for it.

There. Sorted!

Most people won't ask because they are capable of deciding for themselves what sort of gifts they give, without being instructed by the recipient.
Well I'm shite at buying gifts even for my nearest and dearest.

I'm sorry but this whole post demonstrates such a gaping lack of knowledge of simple etiquette and social grace.

People who fundamentally don't understand why it's bad manners to presume someone is going to honor you with a gift, and to preemptively direct them about what to give, are apparently unwilling to learn.

Crack on with your poems and demands and "honeyfunds." Keep telling yourselves no one finds it gauche and grabby.
Ha! I do find this level of affront at something so inconsequential hilarious. As it goes I have no.skin in the game. Too old to be invited to many weddings these days but on the rare occasion U do I'm going to carry on appreciating some guidance. Especially if they make it really easy for me by giving me a link to a website

If you honestly don't care if you get a gift, write a poem. Or write a poem telling people where they can donate money on your behalf.

If you want cash, let people ask you.

I don't think you're being 100 percent honest here.

I wouldn't put anything either, most people give cash these days anyway.
Wedding gifts were usually house hold items to help the new couple set up home together and now most couples live together before marriage so I think that tradition isn't so popular anymore.
Plus, even if you put a poem in then old auntie xxx is still going to get you a table cloth and a gravy boat if that's what she wants to do

Don’t put a poem as they are awful.

But if you just put “We really don’t expect a present, but if you would like to give us something a contribution to our honeymoon would be amazing” or something, I don’t think that would be a problem

Personally I prefer it as I don’t have to go to any trouble!

I'm sorry but this whole post demonstrates such a gaping lack of knowledge of simple etiquette and social grace

And sadly it's something that can't be learned, beyond a certain age.

And sadly it's something that can't be learned, beyond a certain age.

My 72 year old mother is an absolute stickler for etiquette of all kinds, including the ridiculous "rule" mentioned way upthread about nobody removing their hat at a wedding before the mother of the bride does. She finds all kinds of things ride that I can't fathom. For my wedding she was horrified that I provided an email address for RSVPs as well as a postal one as she considered that anyone who couldn't take the time to put proper pen to paper to respond didnt deserve to come.

Even she, when invited to a friend's son's wedding and presented with one of those websites where you contribute to the honeymoon thought it was a marvelously sensible idea and ws delighted with the thank you card she got from them including a photo of them doing whatever it was she had ostensibly paid for.

nobody removing their hat at a wedding before the mother of the bride does
No problem with that at my daughter's weddings. I didn't wear a hat because I don't like hats. They don't really suit me. I don't think anyone was scandalised.

@ClickandForget

nobody removing their hat at a wedding before the mother of the bride does No problem with that at my daughter's weddings. I didn't wear a hat because I don't like hats. They don't really suit me. I don't think anyone was scandalised.

Well quite. Just as nobody is really scandalised by practical and polite suggestions of cash/vouchers/honeymoon contributions in invitations. Both are daft things to find rude or get het up about.

The last person who asked for cash as a gift received a cheque from me to Mr & Mrs X. She texted me asking for me to rewrite the cheque to her as they didn't have a joint account. I never did because she had behaved appallingly before the wedding

A good friend sent a note with the invitation begging for no gifts as they had everything they needed. They also said they didn't need any financial gifts, but if anyone really did want to give them something there would be a post box. So much better than a poem.

But I don't think there is anything gauche about including details of a wedding list.

I just think it's tacky. However I also think a gift registry is too.
My family and dh's asked us if we wanted anything for our wedding gift and we told them no we had everything. They chose to gift money, however we wouldn't have dreamed of asking.
Don't get me wrong I wouldn't turn up to a wedding empty handed however I think nowadays people are too expecting of gifts and money rather than realising their guests have probably spent x amount of money on new outfits, travel, accommodation and drinks (most weddings I've been to haven't been open bar)

I

I would do a wedding list with some items plus vouchers for your holiday. I cringe when people ask for money.

Holiday vouchers are a great idea. It's not like travel companies ever go bust and the industry is simply booming at the moment so your money is totally safe.

Why not get them some vouchers for Debenhams and Pizza Express while you're at it? If you're really lucky, they'll all go bust before they get the chance to spend the money, that'll show em.

Even (DM), when invited to a friend's son's wedding and presented with one of those websites where you contribute to the honeymoon thought it was a marvelously sensible idea and ws delighted with the thank you card she got from them

TBH I'd just be impressed that they thanked her at all. I don't pretend to speak for anyone else, but my own experience has been that those who send ghastly poems, "helpful" suggestions, etc, are by far the least likely to say thank you at all, whether by card, phone, a quick text or anything else

[quote WoodenPot]@PerveenMistry well said.

This is not about logic. Good manners are not based on logic. When you visit a friend, you know that you'll be offered a drink but you wouldn't walk through the door and say 'tea with one sugar' would you?

Asking for money is the height of bad manners. Asking for money by way of a poem is the height of bad manners with added cringeworthiness. Asking for anything or putting details of the wedding list in the same envelope as the invitation is nearly as bad but not quite.

It is fine to have a wedding list but you should wait to be asked for it.

There. Sorted! [/quote]
Well said, woodenPot!

Just because gifts are the norm doesn't mean the giftees now are in charge of selecting them.

Givers who are stumped can always opt for cash if they wish. This is no deep dark secret. Trying to manage that ahead of time is just grabby any way you slice it.

This is not about logic.

That much is abundantly obvious.

My favourite sort of wedding invitation is one where I can decently say to the host 'I'm terribly sorry, I cant come, would you prefer cash or vouchers as a wedding present?'

I then get to sit at home in comfy clothes and quietly toast the bride and groom with a cup of tea/glass of properly chilled wine.

I'm sorry but this whole post demonstrates such a gaping lack of knowledge of simple etiquette and social grace

One person's simple etiquette is another person's unneeded, outdated, mono cultural and class bound rule book.

We are probably all guilty of having things we value in terms of social interaction which actually have no meaningful value, mine is table manners.
But I try to remember that my internal rules are my own issue and not a valid thing to judge others on.

One person's simple etiquette is another person's unneeded, outdated, mono cultural and class bound rule book
Still, failing to show any respect for simple etiquette will fail to prise hard cash from the purses of people who do.

Still, failing to show any respect for simple etiquette will fail to prise hard cash from the purses of people who do
Which is fine. If your adherence to what you consider etiquette overrides your desire to give a gift to a couple on their wedding that they want that's totally up to you. And if I were part of a couple who made such a request and you explained to me why you had chosen to give nothing I wouldn't be upset or offended, I would just think you were odd and silly and think no more of it.

Do not ask for money... it’s embarrassing and those begging poems 🤮.

Let's face it, no one will turn up to a wedding empty handed, that is bad manners.

If there's a gift registry I will happily buy something from that (ideally John Lewis because who doesn't love JL).

If there's no request I will send cash.

I do however have a strong dislike for twee poems / it's your presence not your presents bollocks / we've blown all our cash on disappointing wedding favours so you'll have to pay for our honeymoon. I was invited to a wedding about 15 years ago when a request for cash first becoming a thing. The cheeky fuckers had the audacity to put their bank details on the invite so you could pay money directly into their account.

@ClickandForget

One person's simple etiquette is another person's unneeded, outdated, mono cultural and class bound rule book Still, failing to show any respect for simple etiquette will fail to prise hard cash from the purses of people who do.

As long as the people who are arrogant enough to think their (Anglocentric) feelings are synonymous with etiquette make sure their passive aggressive punishment presents can be easily donated, no great shakes. Draw the line at personalised shit though.

Its fine op. Every wedding I’ve been to over the last 20 years have had a message or poem requesting no presents, but money.
This should be a non issue in this day and age. The western world has moved on from the traditional ways of bride and groom setting themselves up for the first time.
So many cultures around the world have the tradition of giving money so the bride and groom can choose their own things. In every culture I know of, it would be shameful if you turned up to a wedding without a gift.