Req money as wedding present

[kb16]

I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

What if it was a Greek or Irish wedding?

I've never been to a Greek or Irish wedding. If it was tradition to
pin money to the bride then that's what I'd do. In an amount I could afford.

@ClickandForget

You give cash based on invite wording and you're calling them cheeky buggers..... Hmmm

Eeeerm . . . it's 'my' money. I earned it. I can choose how to spend it.

Of course. So why are you giving any of it to people who you very obviously look down on?

@Viviennemary

Sigh. Not on the invitation. You wait till you're asked.

Fuck that, it's a waste of my time. Put what gift you want in the invitation, I've got enough to think about without you forcing a pretence that we don't both know full well that guests give presents at weddings.

@ClickandForget

You give cash based on invite wording and you're calling them cheeky buggers..... Hmmm

Eeeerm . . . it's 'my' money. I earned it. I can choose how to spend it.

But it's not like it's some random who's asking you for money. It's (supposedly) someone you love - they certainly love you if you're getting a wedding invitation. You've admitted you're spending your money anyway - why wouldn't you spend it on something they actually want rather than taking a strop because of some innocuous wording in an invitation?

Of course. So why are you giving any of it to people who you very obviously look down on?

I don't look down on them. I just think they have a cheek asking for money. I give them some money because they've invited me to their wedding. Just not as much as I would if they hadn't asked for money in the invitation. It's almost always for some exotic holiday anyway.
I just contribute less, that's all. They still get some cash.
What if I'd intended giving them a grand, and then reduced it to £500.
Does that make me more or less tightarsed?

@ClickandForget

Of course. So why are you giving any of it to people who you very obviously look down on?

I don't look down on them. I just think they have a cheek asking for money. I give them some money because they've invited me to their wedding. Just not as much as I would if they hadn't asked for money in the invitation. It's almost always for some exotic holiday anyway.
I just contribute less, that's all. They still get some cash.
What if I'd intended giving them a grand, and then reduced it to £500.
Does that make me more or less tightarsed?

It just makes you very judgemental and a really horrible friend. Never said a word about being right.

@ClickandForget

What if it was a Greek or Irish wedding?

I've never been to a Greek or Irish wedding. If it was tradition to
pin money to the bride then that's what I'd do. In an amount I could afford.

So how is any other wedding different?

Let's look at the facts-

1. You like to give cash and have an amount in mind
2. You meanly cut that amount in half if you decide the invitation isn't to your liking
3. You'd be happy to be asked for cash on certain conditions (Greek wedding) and presumably give your "higher" budget

How is this not utterly banal?!

Please can someone tell us WHY it's rude to ask for cash in an invitation? An actual logical reason please? Because everyone is just parroting "it's rude/tacky/cheeky" but not giving a reason.

I wonder what meets the criteria for a Greek wedding, for example? What if one spouse is Greek but the other English, do they just get a 25% cash reduction then?

Wedding gifts were originally bought to help a new couple set up a home. My gran still has the dust pan and brush she was bought in 1963.

Couples don't need that stuff any more so gifts are a bit irrelevant. However I always like to give on so a John Lewis gift list or request for cash is fine by me.

However, asking for cash to pay for ths honey moon is rude - pay for your own holiday!

Oh and don't write a poem - tacky.

they certainly love you if you're getting a wedding invitation

I'm not talking about close loved ones here. Most weddings have the token in-law invitees who they rarely see. Extended family. Where you don't even know the bride/groom (one of them, anyway) And they tell you they want money on the invitation. Rude.

I don't have any very close family who would even mention gifts on an invitation. My daughters' didn't.

How is this not utterly banal?!

Banal? Did you mean banal?

Yes I meant banal.

Well sorry you have such old fashioned nonsensical views and dislike your in-laws, but normal people IRL are happy to give cash and don't go in a huff when it's asked for.

Still waiting an explanation as to why it's rude to ask for cash. Nearly 500 posts and no one has attempted to explain.

Please can someone tell us WHY it's rude to ask for cash in an invitation? An actual logical reason please? Because everyone is just parroting "it's rude/tacky/cheeky" but not giving a reason.

I have given cash before but I do think it’s cheeky to ask.

For me, most people already have a house with everything they need. It’s not like years ago when couples were literally just starting out. So they choose to make a day to get married and then want me to give them money for it. It’s just a bit weird and yes, cheeky. They want the wedding and the honeymoon, so they should pay for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ They have their own cash. Everyone would like more cash, choosing to get married isn’t a good enough reason for me to give some of mine to them. 🤣 It’s like they expect their wedding to be extremely special to me so I should therefore pay for it or for a holiday for them. Other people’s weddings really are not special to me. They’re just not.

For family and friends adult birthdays, we either arrange not to buy gifts or with some friends I buy a gift I know they’ll love. I don’t give them cash. Again, they have their own.

I do give teens in my family cash for birthdays, Christmas and days like today when they’ve passed their exams. I’m happy to give lots of cash to them because they don’t have much of their own. I have given my nieces and nephews who have got their A level and GCSE results today and last week, £200 each. My own son who got amazing GCSE results today, got more as he is my child and he’s doesn’t have the opportunity to earn much of his own cash.

Please dont. It’s awful, and tacky. A poem?! No. Please.

The main difference is that money can be spend on whatever the couple wants and giver can't control it. However, cotton sheets can only really be used in limited number of things. bed, ghost playing, escape

Please can someone tell us WHY it's rude to ask for cash in an invitation?

Because a gift by it's very definition is something given willingly, and as soon as pressure starts about what to give, that takes away from the "willingly" bit ... and sorry, but IMO it is pressure, no matter how much folk try to pretend it's "just to help the guests out"

It's all so pointless in any case, because as said most know perfectly well the B&G won't need a load of tat and will give money anyway (as so many posts have confirmed)

Because a gift by it's very definition is something given willingly, and as soon as pressure starts about what to give, that takes away from the "willingly" bit ... and sorry, but IMO it is pressure, no matter how much folk try to pretend it's "just to help the guests out"
But why wouldn't you be willing to give something you know the recipient wants? Why is it preferable, and somehow more polite, to guess what they would actually like?

However, cotton sheets can only really be used in limited number of things. bed, ghost playing, escape

🤣 If there’s a toilet roll shortage don’t forget those people who said they planned on cutting up sheets to use when the toilet roll ran out. All those newly weds would all be wishing they had asked for high thread count sheets instead of cash then, wouldn’t they. 🤣

Hate it. Either put no presents or just see what you get is my take on it. If I remarry it's will be a don't you dare bring a gift situation, we have too much stuff already having both left large houses!

But why wouldn't you be willing to give something you know the recipient wants? Why is it preferable, and somehow more polite, to guess what they would actually like?

I actually think it’s only slightly less cheeky to expect any present just because you’ve chosen to get married. Towels or cash, they should buy their own towels and earn their own money. I find the whole idea of ‘give me a gift because I’m getting married’ very weird. You’re only getting married. It’s not really that important to anyone else but you and maybe your parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why is it preferable, and somehow more polite, to guess what they would actually like?

I couldn't say, because I've never known anyone who does try to guess.
If they're not sure they don't spend ages agonising over it, but just stick some money or a cheque in the card like most of us on here, because we all know perfectly well it'll always be acceptable / wanted

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

However, cotton sheets can only really be used in limited number of things. bed, ghost playing, escape

🤣 If there’s a toilet roll shortage don’t forget those people who said they planned on cutting up sheets to use when the toilet roll ran out. All those newly weds would all be wishing they had asked for high thread count sheets instead of cash then, wouldn’t they. 🤣

Oh. My. God.😂

So you get invited to a wedding.

Lovely.

You want to buy a gift as is the custom.

When buying gifts it’s generally accepted that you want the recipient to LIKE the gift, you don’t want to give them something they have.

So you can ask them what they want. As any normal person does. Bit providing a list or staying a preference for money suddenly makes it tacky?

I literally didn’t give a shit about how much people gave us, but after buying a flat and living together for 5 years I definitely didn’t want a load of unnecessary house stuff.

Basically everyone I know had a list or requested cash, and those who had a list hadn’t long been living together.

There is no pressure - it’s disingenuous to say that - as it’s customary to give wedding gifts and people will be Feeling that ‘pressure’ just by dint of going.

I think the real issue is that some weddings have become difficult for guests and there’s a load of resentment from the travel, hotel, hen/stag WEEKS, cash bar etc

It builds up and you feel irritated at then being told what to do again - it’s a symptom of feeling angry about the shit wedding rather than anything to do with the gift itself.

Imagine getting an invitation that said wedding is nearby and no hotel stay required, Hen is an evening out and will cost £50 max, you have a plus one, bring kids if you’d like to, and it’s a free bar.

I bet suddenly no one thinks asking for cash is cheeky then.

So it's not rude to say nothing in the invitation and assume people will give cash. It isn't rude to say you would like cash if someone rings you and asks. It isn't rude to give cash. But it is ride to simply clarify this in the invitation and thereby cit out a pointless phone call and/or some guesswork on the part of guests.

Yeah, that all totally makes sense.