Req money as wedding present

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I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

Ok thank you for answering @BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze but by that logic, why is it not cheeky to ask for gifts?
If the couple has a house full of toasters and champagne flutes does it not make more sense for them to just ask what they want if guests are gonna spend money - eg cash or honeymoon vouchers?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Please can someone tell us WHY it's rude to ask for cash in an invitation?

Because a gift by it's very definition is something given willingly, and as soon as pressure starts about what to give, that takes away from the "willingly" bit ... and sorry, but IMO it is pressure, no matter how much folk try to pretend it's "just to help the guests out"

It's all so pointless in any case, because as said most know perfectly well the B&G won't need a load of tat and will give money anyway (as so many posts have confirmed)

But if you're gonna spend money anyway, why wouldn't you "willingly" give the B@G that money j ahead of the cashier at John Lewis?

The way is see it, you either think giving presents at a wedding - be it cash, vouchers, colanders etc - is cheeky/grabby (if the B&G), or you don't. It doesn't make sense to pick and choose which gifts you think are cheeky and which aren't, if you are going to spend money on the "non-cheeky" gift anyway

No crappy poem but just asking for money is fine

If there’s a toilet roll shortage don’t forget those people who said they planned on cutting up sheets to use when the toilet roll ran out. All those newly weds would all be wishing they had asked for high thread count sheets instead of cash then, wouldn’t they.

Lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Maybe those getting married in lockdown could get COVID themed gifts? Sheets for when the toilet roll runs out, a face mask with the bride and grooms faces on (and the wedding date embossed of course, an idiots guide to home education, a voucher to upgrade zoom and a 2m long hard stick to ensure social distancing.

I actually think it’s only slightly less cheeky to expect any present just because you’ve chosen to get married. Towels or cash, they should buy their own towels and earn their own money. I find the whole idea of ‘give me a gift because I’m getting married’ very weird. You’re only getting married. It’s not really that important to anyone else but you and maybe your parents

The things is Bad if you ever put "no gifts" on an invitation, most people buy a gift or give cash (me included I give cash or honeymoon currency) because it somehow feels impolite or wrong to turn up to a wedding empty handed.

GlummyMcGlummerson

You might have missed my last post:

I actually think it’s only slightly less cheeky to expect any present just because you’ve chosen to get married. Towels or cash, they should buy their own towels and earn their own money. I find the whole idea of ‘give me a gift because I’m getting married’ very weird. You’re only getting married. It’s not really that important to anyone else but you and maybe your parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But saying that, I do buy a gift or give cash because I don’t wish to upset anyone and I really do wish any couple a happy life together. I’m also aware that a lot of people do feel weddings are special so in real life I just smile and give the gift or cash. I’m actually very pleasant and not as miserable as I sound.... honest...🤣 The thing is, we’re financially very comfortable so it really doesn’t matter to us, but I know some people who have really struggled to buy outfits, shoes, drinks and then they’ve not wanted to appear tight, so they’ve given more than they could afford as a cash gift. Sometimes they could get a gift that’s nice for a lot less than they feel they have to give in actual cash.

if you're gonna spend money anyway, why wouldn't you "willingly" give the B&G that money ahead of the cashier at John Lewis?

But that's just the point - these days it is what the vast majority seem to do without needing silly poems or anything else, so really there's little point in sending "guidance" about something that'll happen anyway

Admittedly there are some who loathe giving cash and wouldn't do it even if presented with a request delivered by a marching band up their drive; admittedly too there are a few who dither so much that they can't decide anything without ringing everyone they know, but personally I'd smile and suck that up rather than be rude

I don't like these 'we don't need presents but give money if you want' poems personally, a bit grabby - errr fund your own honeymoon! Although this is normal practice and very much accepted so don't worry about it, I doubt anyone will bat an eyelid.

I think every wedding invite I have had for the last few years has requested money for the honeymoon. It's fine I'd rather give money for something they want than get them the 10th voucher for a shop they don't want. Congratulations on the wedding.

But why such an outrage at "fund your own honeymoon" but gift lists are fine and no one shouts "furnish your own house?"

Not everyone agrees that gift lists are fine.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Please can someone tell us WHY it's rude to ask for cash in an invitation? An actual logical reason please? Because everyone is just parroting "it's rude/tacky/cheeky" but not giving a reason.

It's always rude to dip your hand into someone else's purse.

Gifts are voluntary. The recipients take what they get; they don't dictate what others give.

It's beyond rude to assume you are welcome to stick your hand into anyone else's finances, regardless of the occasion.

@Pukkatea

It isn't asking for gifts, it's acknowledging that gifts are often given at weddings and making that process as easy for your guests as it can be.

Noone says 'please give us money'. They say if you want to give a gift, here is our list or we would prefer monetary contributions for x.

And people who call others tacky lack class. It's embarrassing.

Dictating the nature of gifts is crass. Especially if the prospective benefactors haven't yet asked for guidance.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

But why such an outrage at "fund your own honeymoon" but gift lists are fine and no one shouts "furnish your own house?"

Because honeymoon is really fun and we can't allow that! 😁

@FuzzyPuffling 🤣🤣🤣 this is always so devisive on here! I agree with Fuzzy though, cringe on many levels!

It's always rude to dip your hand into someone else's purse.

Gifts are voluntary. The recipients take what they get; they don't dictate what others give.

It's beyond rude to assume you are welcome to stick your hand into anyone else's finances, regardless of the occasion.

Such a massive and weird overreaction. All that is happening if cash/vouchers/honeymoon contribution/old style gift list is mentioned is that the couple are effectively saying, "we know you will almost certainly want to buy us a gift because it's a wedding and 99% of people want to do that. So if you do we would prefer vouchers etc etc becuase we have lots of "stuff" and don't want you to waste time and money buying some "stuff" "

No demand, no attempt to reach into someone's purse, just a practical approach and a refusal to play this coy game where people are meant to apparently ring and ask what you want rather than you efficiently pre-empting the question.

On top of all the other reasons I think complaining about giving cash is odd usually it is funding an experience.
Something more likely to be remembered than a bale of towels or knife set.
Why wouldn't you give someone you care about those memories?
Why is physical stuff better?

You send an invitation to someone you would like to have there on your day. You include in the invitation what you would like / not like / expect as a gift. So the invitation means " We want you at our wedding and these are the expections that we have of you so you show us just grateful you are to having received an invitation!

I really struggle to understand this.

It's normal to give a gift when you go to a wedding. That's just totally standard.

The reason gift lists came about was because couples were getting 6 toasters. Sensible to avoid that. If you rock up with a toaster and loads of other people have bought toasters that's a bit rubbish all round. So gift lists came about.

Then times moved on and lots of couples getting married already had a house set up. Including a toaster.

So other things became the important things. Deposit for a house (owning a home is out of reach for many now). Holiday of a lifetime. For honeymoon. New kitchen.

The statement is not 'you must pay cash even if you can't afford it' but, if you want to get us a gift, this is what we really need, or want, for our family, or as something we will never get to do again.

I like my friends and family. If they want money towards an amazing honeymoon or a house deposit I happily gift them that.

I would never go to a wedding empty handed.

And I literally don't understand the issue with this.

Like I said earlier. I think it's a hyacinth bucket thing.

People you care about or love are getting married. You would buy a gift. What on earth is wrong with giving them what they actually want? And beyond that, it's not a rule. You can still get them a toaster.

For me, shit at gifts, I love to know what they actually want.

Igiveup so you send the invitations.

The people receiving it say, oh fuck what do they want as a present.

Then what?

For me, shit at gifts, I love to know what they actually want

Ditto!

And more to the point. I want to give them what they want. Because I like them.

@NiceGerbil

I really struggle to understand this.

It's normal to give a gift when you go to a wedding. That's just totally standard.

The reason gift lists came about was because couples were getting 6 toasters. Sensible to avoid that. If you rock up with a toaster and loads of other people have bought toasters that's a bit rubbish all round. So gift lists came about.

Then times moved on and lots of couples getting married already had a house set up. Including a toaster.

So other things became the important things. Deposit for a house (owning a home is out of reach for many now). Holiday of a lifetime. For honeymoon. New kitchen.

The statement is not 'you must pay cash even if you can't afford it' but, if you want to get us a gift, this is what we really need, or want, for our family, or as something we will never get to do again.

I like my friends and family. If they want money towards an amazing honeymoon or a house deposit I happily gift them that.

I would never go to a wedding empty handed.

And I literally don't understand the issue with this.

Like I said earlier. I think it's a hyacinth bucket thing.

People you care about or love are getting married. You would buy a gift. What on earth is wrong with giving them what they actually want? And beyond that, it's not a rule. You can still get them a toaster.

For me, shit at gifts, I love to know what they actually want.

Why not just trust one's guests to select appropriate gifts? Why dictate preemptively?

Maybe the guest planned to give a modestly priced bottle of wine but now feels compelled to give 50 quid toward a helicopter ride or drinks poolside or whatever. Don't stick your hands in another's pocket unless they broach the subject.

If someone is trusted enough to attend one's wedding, trust that they know how to select a gift with no grabby prompting.

@DappledThings

It's always rude to dip your hand into someone else's purse.

Gifts are voluntary. The recipients take what they get; they don't dictate what others give.

It's beyond rude to assume you are welcome to stick your hand into anyone else's finances, regardless of the occasion.

Such a massive and weird overreaction. All that is happening if cash/vouchers/honeymoon contribution/old style gift list is mentioned is that the couple are effectively saying, "we know you will almost certainly want to buy us a gift because it's a wedding and 99% of people want to do that. So if you do we would prefer vouchers etc etc becuase we have lots of "stuff" and don't want you to waste time and money buying some "stuff" "

No demand, no attempt to reach into someone's purse, just a practical approach and a refusal to play this coy game where people are meant to apparently ring and ask what you want rather than you efficiently pre-empting the question.

You wait until you are asked if you have a preference.