Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

She shouldn't get a choice in the matter, if you and your DP are an item, her getting involved independently of you and seemingly without your direct visibility, isn't acceptable.

She sounds like one of those tedious people who "doesn't get on with women because they're trivial/catty/not nearly such fun as the Menz" - whatever.

If your DP is passive about it, then he's as bad as she is. If some random female contacted my OH wanting to go out for dinner, they'd soon be told where to go -

I'd just cut that fiendship dead. Block her on both your phones Fb etc. She's massive trouble. Life's hard enough without this kind of shit.

She isn’t your friend, dump her immediately. Your DP could tell her outright that her messages are inappropriate.

For heavens sake OP. She is not your friend. Inviting him for dinner in front of you without her? An utter witch.

I'd ask your DH to block her and then he needn't reply. His shutting down conversations doesn't seem to be working.

It's weird. I hang out with a group of friends, we're three couples and we all socialise together. I also spend time speaking to them seperately online and have done seperate things with different people in the group depending on their interests. The difference is that we are a group that spend time together, she is YOUR friend. Why is she so keen to spend time alone with him? Has she said? It's not like she can't chat to him in front of you.

To be brutally honest, I wouldn't be friends with someone who'd had multiple affairs with married men. I don't think someone can be a good person and do that, so I'd have no interest in staying friends wit her.

*with

Whether she just wants some attention or has ideas about taking it further, it’s really outrageous.

She’s relying on you to see the best in people and/or be gaslighted.

In your shoes I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of discussing it. But it’s a great idea for your fiancé to block her so he doesn’t even have to think about the social niceties of responding. Best way to kill the whole thing.

Time to get to some serious distance from her and please don’t invite her to your wedding!

Very very very VERY weird.
How can she think this is normal? Even if she asks in front of you, it doesn't mean its innocent. A good relationship with a friends partner is nice, when you are both together!! Does she do this with other friends boyfriends?.
Shes after your man

She is not your friend. Get rid

The fact she’s trying to force the friendship is a red flag.

If their relationship had grown organically than maybe. But even then her track record isn’t exactly conducive to trust.

@honeylulu

''couldn't help with furniture because he didn't want to''

This is hilarious though

I thought that too

''I'd love to say i'll come and help - but sadly i just don't want to''. If only we could all be this politely honest!

OP - she's not a terrible person she just does terrible things? :) Come on .....

I’m still laughing over the ‘can’t help because I don’t want to’ 😂😂

She’s after him. Tell her to back off and end the ‘friendship’.

@thegooseberry

Thank you everyone.

Realistically, even if this was one of my friends who was happily married, I'd still think it was weird.

I won't question on her on it, but I will make sure my DP just shuts it down.

I really don't think she's a terrible person deep down (for having affairs with married men) I think she's made some horrible, selfish and immature choices that stem from low self esteem without caring about the consequences for other people's feelings. BUT it does make me less trusting around my own.

OP sounds like an amazing person.

I'd go fucking ACCA. She's a CF. Bin her right off and block. Both of you block.

I really don't think she's a terrible person deep down (for having affairs with married men)

I think she’s a nasty, selfish fucker and couldn’t have someone with those kinds of morals, or lack of, in my life.

@Oldbagface

I'd go fucking ACCA. She's a CF. Bin her right off and block. Both of you block.

I haven't heard that in years

I'd be fuming. X

Fuck her ! Major boundary crossing
I’d just make her an ex friend to be honest

I'd tell him if she asked him to invents to turn her down hopefully she will get the message. X

Sorry typo events. X

Ditch her. It seems weird because it is weird.

I have male friends and am friends with friends partners, but would never do this, which is aggressively pursuing somebody else's partner!

Flip the genders round and imagine a man repeatedly asking out his mate's girlfriend or engaging them in chat. Nobody would give him the benefit of the doubt... She is a letch.

Not read any replies properly and didn’t even finish reading your post because I was desperate to say YANBU!!!

Trust your gut. It’s weird. She’s weird.therrs no need at all. Given her past these are red flags!

Don’t listen to to ‘you’re controlling’ brigade. You’re not at all. It will start normal then turn flirty etc

Text book looking for attention and your DP is the bait