Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

She’s 100% making a play for him. I used to have a friend who had a major thing for married men. I’ve often sat and watched her be ott friendly with their wives - showering them with compliments etc, playing with their kids etc. You’d have thought butter wouldn’t melt. This ‘friend’ of yours is bad news. Even if she wasn’t interested in him, it’s still highly inappropriate and disrespectful to you. Sometimes the truth is right in front of you.

Your DP needs to block her.

She's definitely not your friend.

DP needs to send a message like this:

Hi so and so,

I need to let you know unequivocally that I have no interest in doing any activities with you that exclude my wife.
Your messages are getting out of hand, at this point I would prefer if you cease contacting me completely.
Thanks.

Then block her and you can have a serious think about whether you still want this woman around you.

I'd tell her fuck off frankly. It's not on. She knows it's not on. She's no friend.

OMG wake up and smell the coffee- women dont do this unless they have ulterior motives.

I would never just start randomly texting my friend's husband and suggesting we meet for coffee without my friend - what in the actual fuck?

She isnt your friend, she is a snake. Youve been warned now.

Er no. This is a sneaky hit on your relationship. I've been friendly with friends partners but have never thought about let alone sought out a friendship independent of the friend. Her loyalty should be to you and she isn't. I would end this sharpish

TBH I think she's an atrocious cunt and I would not have such a terrible person in my life.

And please don't excuse her awful selfish behaviour as "low self esteem".

Some people have zero morals. I agree with the posters above! Shes making a play for him. Hope you are feeling smug that he's not buying into it.

Distance yourself from her and ask your other half to block her number too. She is not your friend.

My mum had a friend like this. She relentless pursued my dad and they ended up having an affair which destroyed the marriage. Many men struggle to resist when sex is offered to them on a plate, it seems.

I’d get DP to send a very unambiguous reply to her next message then block her. I’d also tell the rest of the friendship group what she’s been up to and try and ditch her if possible.

Perhaps this woman doesn't have many friends, wants to expand her friendship circle or sees no reason why she shouldn't hang out with your DP! It's only archaic viewpoints like we are seeing above that make this sort of thing a problem.

@fierypepper The thing is, we know this woman has already had affairs with several married men. So we know she's capable of it; she's untrustworthy.

@thegooseberry It sounds like you know how you're going to handle this now.

I used to often end up with married men (never again!) I got back in touch with some very old friends on FB a while back and it was lovely to have these friends on there from 20 years ago. We live hundreds of miles apart so I'm not likely to often see them.

I happened to mention that I had a married lover and one of them went 'hmm.' Eventually I blocked this guy on everything, as I realized he was a liar and a user with the help of MN. Through MN I turned around my perspective on married men (Yes I know, I must be a bit thick or something!)

This friend, well I realized she had unfriended me on FB. I could be completely wrong about this but I think it could've been partly because I was seeing a married man. We live a long way apart and I don't have her husband as a friend on there, so I don't think that she saw me as a threat to her marriage. She just maybe thought being involved with married men is really wrong and she is not going to be friends with anyone that does that. Although I'm sad that she unfriended me, especially now I've finished with him and have seen the light, I kind of respect her position/choice.

So, that might be something you could consider. I know you say you think your friend has issues, I do too but I still could've seen married men as more off limits than I did at times.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

I'd say you're seeing her extremely clearly. Why would you want to even be friends with someone who has so little respect for another person's marriage? Who has no issues with causing someone else probably the worst pain they'll ever feel, the betrayal of a spouse? I know in the long run the man is making the choice to take up with her, but she is still colluding in it.

Even though your DH is doing his best to shut her down, she's still disrespecting YOU and your marriage by even trying to 'interest' him. For some women it's merely the conquest of another woman's man to feed their ego, rather than than the man himself. Sounds to me as if she's targeted your DH.

Frankly I'd pack her off into the hinterlands with a HUGE flea in her ear.

BTW, wonder if she cozied up to any of the wives of her affair partners to throw them off the scent of her intentions.

I wouldn't even text my daugher's partners and ask them this sort of thing, let alone a friend's DH.

She sounds as though she's trying to be oh-so-friendly and open and honest and 'just wanting to get to know your OH' and then it's oh, whoops, he fell for me and we just couldn't help ourselves.

Basically she's trying to start up an EA which she hopes will move on to more, but by doing it this way she can kid herself that it 'just happened'. Your DH seems to have his head screwed on. Just make sure that's the only screwing that happens.

I can understand that good manners and the wish to preserve a friendship could deter you of your husband from calling her out. Could you not adopt a more passive/agressive approach and agree with Dh to just completely ignore any communication. I'm sure she would get the message.

The ebst way to shut this down is for your DH to block her. While he is still open to messages, she'll think she can still get an "in" there.

Blocking, and on all SM, sends a message that he's not interested.

My ex and ex 'friend ' developed a friendship independently of me. She would visit him at our flat while I was at work and he was home after shifts. It took a while for the penny to drop that much more was going on! Now my dh of 24 years and myself have couples as friends but neither of us would strike up a more independent friendship with their wives/husbands. Its just a recipe for disaster. No matter what she says she has proven herself to be a woman who doesn't care about seeing married men. I wouldnt have her as a friend for that reason alone.

I wouldn't look at it personally that there's any risk and I needed to keep an eye on them. I'd be rather cross that she was putting him in this position and totally have his back. She's making your bloke feel uncomfortable, that's just not cricket.

So in that vein I'd be direct with her from that angle and tell her to find someone else to sort out her furniture and she's to knock it off. It can be done in a nice way if you want, just to squash it. Then he blocks her number.

Or preferably he can tell her he doesn't feel comfortable and she needs to stop messaging him.

Yeah... I was being all cool, trusting and not jealous when my friend started having separate conversation with my then partner. They now have two kids together.

I'm not being cool anymore. Any woman sniffing around my DH in a way that I don't trust or aren't part of can fuck off.

couldn't help with furniture because he didn't want to

This is hilarious though!

I'm single and I won't even be Facebook friends with my friends husbands/boyfriends! She's definitely after him. Regarding the friendship group you're all part of I don't think that would stop her. You could end up loosing your fiancé and friendship group.

I'd be very concerned about this.

I had a similar issue many years ago with my DSis!!! It felt she wanted DP as an extra close friend. I did not address the issue with DSis directly, but did with DP. He minimized contact.

No fucking way. Just distance yourself from her unless in a group setting. She literally wants to fuck your husband. She has form for this. Why are you playing this down???

Sorry but I'd even go as far as blocking her number in hubby's phone so she can only contact via group chat. Fuck her. She sounds awful.

YANBU. This crosses a line.

"There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc."

You seem to think that because she 'asked in front of me' that it isn't sneaky'. I'd say it's just a different flavour of sneaky. Because by doing it under your nose, she's making her pitch for your DP deniable (if I was after him would I ask him in front of you) and also get's to hang the accusation of jealousy/insecurity over your head - making you hesitate to raise her behaviour with her.

In my opinion, it's a masterclass of manipulation on her part.

"I would be so shocked if she actually tried anything on, it would cause huge issues in our friendship group and obviously destroy our friendship."
This is someone you describe as having "made some horrible, selfish and immature choices that stem from low self esteem without caring about the consequences for other people's feelings." So I wouldn't be shocked in the slightest. She'd accept any issues in the friendship group as nothing more than collateral damage. Certainly as less important than getting what she's set her sights on.

So what to do about it?

Have a conversation with your DP. Explain she's making you uncomfortabIe with her claims to his attention, and you want to make her uncomfortable next time she pulls her stunt. Then prepare your response. Practice it in the bathroom mirror of need be. Then go for it next time she rubs your nose in it makes a play for him. Tinkly laugh and something along the lines of 'Oh X, hasn't DP knocked you back enough times for you still to be trying to reel him in? Give it up! There must be some other married man around you could make a play for!'

As in - take the piss. Be amused by it all. (Let's see her accuse you of jealousy/insecurity then .) If you and DP could exchange glances and a smile as if at a private joke, so much the better.

I think the humour route is the most likely to succeed. Pretending it isn't happening is not an option.

She's taking the piss

I'm not a jealous person and comfortable with opposite sex friendships. My DH gets on well with women and has a couple of female friends he meets for coffee, etc.

In the circumstances you outline though I'd be taking her eyes out metaphorically of course.

You are obviously a very nice person but I think you're cutting her too much slack.

She doesn't give one shiny shit about you or your feelings. She knows what she's doing and how it will be making you feel.

That is NOT a friend.

Your nice enough to excuse her behaviour due to her low self esteem, etc but bear in mind that pretty much everyone who does something shit to someone else have similar reasons.

It does not justify the behaviour and it doesn't make it something that you should accept.

She is massively violating normal unspoken boundaries here.