Friend messaging DP

[thegooseberry]

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

Yanbu unless they knew each other before- but I get the impression from your posts that they didn't. Read this post to my DP and I only had to read a little for him to find it weird. This would make me so uncomfortable and I wouldn't bother with her again.

She couldn't be anymore blatent about her intentions if she tried. I'd be thinking about my "friendship" with her. Don't give her the satisfaction of having it out with her to throw the jealous card at you. Instead, I'd wait until the next time she invites your DH somewhere and message her something like "DH has asked me to have a word with you about all the invites he has recieved recently, as he feels very arkward having to make up excuses to get out of them. He feels very embarrased about the situation as he hates to hurt peoples feelings. I told him to be honest with you a few weeks back when he was trying to get out of drinks with but you know what hes like LOL"

Why would you be friends with a woman who's had 'a few' affairs with married men?

And why would you think she's doing something differently this time?

And, if you haven't seen a reason to object to her doing it before, what moral weight is there in your argument to stop her now?

She met him through you.
She asked YOU for his number to wish him happy birthday.
asking how his day was etc or
openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work
asks if he wants to join her at a new excercise class
or can help her build furniture in her house etc.

That is quite a long list. How many of your other female friends contact your DP like this?

Whilst it might be a bit of drama for both you and DP tell her in no uncertain terms to back off, I think if you keep trying to act as though its nothing to worry about and should just be ignored, that you will end up inviting this massive CF to your wedding!
If you are accused of jealousy, you can say "Of What???" I am merely telling you your behaviour is inappropriate and needs to stop.

Havent rtft but tell your 'friend' to stop asking your man out for drinks and that it is inappropriate. And your partner should do the same

I wouldn’t be friends with someone who did this with my partner. She definitely wants an intimate relationship with him and she’s not going to let your friendship come before that.

I think I would text my friend and say something like, please can you stop texting DP as it's making him very uncomfortable, but he is too polite to say it to you directly'.

And then after she asks why

Just say 'he sees you as my friend and isn't interested in meeting up separately'.

And let him know you are saying this. Or even better get him to say he's uncomfortable with it directly.

And then you should both withdraw from her.

I wouldn't have it out with her or anything like that, don't give her any drama - just let her know the contact is unwanted and then distance yourself.

Been there. My supposed best mate did the same. Dripped poison in his ear. Stalked me to here when I asked for advice about it.

Now we are separated and she stalks him. Accross social media and makes out to mutual friends they are in a relationship

Bloody hell. This is not a friend.

Thats weird. A real friend doesn't even think to do that. You need to speak to her and just say it makes you uncomfortable and if your partner is saying no to everything ask why she feels the need to persistently ask him to do things.

I smell a woman who gets her validation from men fancying her.

I suspect that she is the sort who would claim, had your DP gone along with it, that she knew him better than you, that he talked to her more etc.

I would very much doubt she fancied any of the married men she copped off with overly much, she just needs to feel like she is Queen Bee. "All my friends are men, women just hate me because I get on so well with this husbands...."

So sad, I have seen it so bloody often. I feel sorry for them tbh, how horrible that you need to know you can get your leg over with someone elses partner to prove to yourself that you are attractive.

I wouldnt bother with talking to her. Just agree that you are both cutting her out and if she does ask why simply state that her boundaries are fucked up and you both agree that you dont want a third person in your marriage so you are cutting contact.

As an aside, one woman who I knew like this had the affair, he left his wife and she convinced him to emigrate. He gave up everything (no kids thankfully), sold his house, changed jobs etc and off they went. Within a month she was back home and he was stuck there. What she said about it was what made me cut her off "At least it proved he loved me when he did that, shame I didnt love him"

Without being too outing she asked me for his number to set up a group chat and then not long after text to wish him a happy birthday and then started general chit chat messages."

She's a sly one!
Making it look on the surface like she's just being friendly....getting your implied consent to 'communicate' with him....then cutting you completely out of the plans!!!!!!

Why didn't she ask him directly for his number if she wanted an 'independent' relationship' with him?
She knew that would be too obvious...so she's gone for the sly, underhand, slowly-slowly way to try and get her hooks into him.

She's sooo cliche - right down to trying to get him in her house on the pretext of 'DIY'!!!!!!
OP - my feeling is that if she got your DP on his own, she would make a pass at him....and when he refused she would get her 'revenge' via false accusations and trying to break you up.

she isn't a friend...she's just using the people she knows to get whatever she wants and she doesn't think about the people she's hurting.

@FizzyGreenWater

She isn't a friend. She really isn't.

Yes she would give you the wide-eyed gaslighting if you said anything, so don't - box clever. The good thing is that he's got his eyes open too.

If you haven't already, be entirely honest with him about her past record and say, I am not sure what her intentions are here and on one level it doesn't matter as I obviously trust you, but with your blessing I'm going to quietly shut this down before she steps over the line and people fall out.

So then - when she messages next, it gets ignored for a couple of days then YOU message her -

'Hi X how are you doing. Hey, DP says sorry he's not replied to your message about the class. He's so rushed off his feet he's hardly looking at his phone tbh haha. But, not interested right now really. Too much on. What did you think of x... (then you lead into general conversation)

After that, he ignores messages. Just ignores.

The odd one word answer.

If she brings it up - 'God yes he's terrible with his phone. Hardly seems to make time to keep up with his own friends let alone mine. You're giving him an extra job to do I'm afraid, lol'

And leave it at that.

This^

Everything by @fizzygreenwater is spot on

@PyongyangKipperbang Couldn't agree more!
I posted earlier saying to basically not give this woman the satisfaction of being able to pull the "You are jealous" card, If OP confronts her. Personally I'd like to make her feel silly mithering this guy, like how others have also said, pref DH saying outright "please stop mithering me"

I had a friend who developed a friendship with my then boyfriend. She would text him right in front of me. Obviously they were sleeping together.

Bin her off. She's treating you like an idiot.

This thread has taken quite the turn though...no one's even commented on the 'utter slut bag' comment up there.

What's ACCA?!

I’d take DPs phone and text her back “DP told me to reply to you since you’re my friend and say that he is busy and if you want anything from him you can text me instead”.

And then block her

*So then - when she messages next, it gets ignored for a couple of days then YOU message her -

'Hi X how are you doing. Hey, DP says sorry he's not replied to your message about the class. He's so rushed off his feet he's hardly looking at his phone tbh haha. But, not interested right now really. Too much on. What did you think of x... (then you lead into general conversation)

After that, he ignores messages. Just ignores.

The odd one word answer.

If she brings it up - 'God yes he's terrible with his phone. Hardly seems to make time to keep up with his own friends let alone mine.*

This

My response would be straight to the point.

“What do you think you’re playing at, moving in on my DP?
Back off and go find someone some other fucker. Preferably single. It’s weird and pathetic and my DP thinks so too.”

Or words to that affect.

She is not your friend. Get rid.

Get rid! No if’s or but’s!