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Original poster

Friend messaging DP

296 replies

thegooseberry · 19/08/2020 12:21

Happy to be told I am insecure / unreasonable.

One of my close friends is very keen to build an independent (of me) friendship with my DP of 4 years.

She is single and does thrive off male attention and has had a few affairs with married men she works with which perhaps clouds my judgment.

There's been a few times when she's messaged my partner, nothing flirty, just general chat asking how his day was etc or openly suggested they meet for drinks or dinner after work (they work in the same area and she asked in front of me, nothing sneaky) or if she trying a new exercise class and asks if he wants to join her or can help her build furniture in her house etc. He hasn't gone to things he's been invited to and replies to texts in a friendly way but shutting down conversation.

Basically, I find it weird and I don't like it. Mainly because I am always friendly and chatty to friend's partners but would never message them or suggest meeting. I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me. But I think she might just like having a stand in boyfriend / male attention from a 'safe' man.

Am I being controlling and insecure to not like this? And I do just not say anything and quietly find it weird?

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 19/08/2020 16:02

Good that your dp is shutting it down

On top of this you need to walk away from the friendship because as others have said, she is not a friend. Just start gradually distancing yourself from her so that eventually she doesn't feature in your life (no need for a big dramatic showdown)

Lollypop4 · 19/08/2020 16:08

Nope, wouldnt like this at all.
Tell her outright that its odd and to no longer contact dp in such a way again

Clarrie59 · 19/08/2020 16:09

As someone who innocently stood by while a friend went to the cinema with my husband and swallowed all the ‘it’s ok we’re just good friends’ Guff I can say - please don’t stand for this. She wants to seduce him.

MactheRover · 19/08/2020 16:10

Mate, she is after your DP. Tell him to send on all her messages to you for you to answer and keep her away from him.

MzHz · 19/08/2020 16:10

[quote thegooseberry]@Newbameforanewdecade he just said not interested to attending the exercise class and got me to message her and say he couldn't help with furniture because he didn't want to. He did say yes to the after work drinks thing as it was put to him in a group setting and then never replied to her text to organise it.

Without being too outing she asked me for his number to set up a group chat and then not long after text to wish him a happy birthday and then started general chit chat messages."[/quote]
Your instincts are right here, you know this, your fiancé knows this

He needs to close it down, block her if she doesn’t get the hint

I’d also be reconsidering the guest list tbh. She’s not a friend to your relationship

Phase her out

CheetasOnFajitas · 19/08/2020 16:14

Your DP is doing brilliantly at keeping her at arm’s length. He’s a keeper.

starskey80 · 19/08/2020 16:19

I don't think you have anything to worry about as your DP has her number, he probably doesnt want to upset you by telling you what he, and most people on mn, can see.

She is no friend of yours, I'd cooly phase her out.

I also do my own flat pack furniture.

NC4todayx · 19/08/2020 16:22

I don't think she fancies him and despite her history with married men, I trust her as a friend not to hurt me.

That would make sense if she was actually acting like a friend. But she's not. What she is doing is really inappropriate. Maybe get your husband to tell her (if she asks again) that you and he have a "policy" that neither of you meets members of the other sex alone, no exceptions. If she persists, don't feel obligated to be nice about it! She is, without a doubt, gunning for him. Low self-esteem is the reason she likes other people's husbands. Yours is next in line.

NC4todayx · 19/08/2020 16:24

She doesn't give one shiny shit about you or your feelings.

Grin Damn that's a great line. And bang on!

Graphista · 19/08/2020 16:31

I think you're being a mug not to tell her to back the fuck off!!!

Cheeky bitch!

This is NO friend she's chasing your man right in front of you the gall is quite something!!

Use your assertiveness op and get her told!

Good on your dp shutting her down!

Dump the non friend!!

And maybe it is actually that and I'm making assumptions! it's not!

If she accused you of insecurity or whatever just respond "no I'm just nobody's mug!"

And he should block her - actually you both should! Nasty piece of work!

Stop making excuses for her!

MrsToothyBitch · 19/08/2020 16:34

I'm quite relaxed but no way would I be happy with that. Trust your spidey senses!!

Maizeyflowers · 19/08/2020 16:34

That's absolutely weird. I don't understand it. One thing her sitting at yours having a coffee and dp is also there. It's also ok if it's a long term friendship all around and she needs a man job doing and you send him. But other than that it's just weird. There is no reason to hang out with him without you. One of my sisters is always single but always involved with someone. Always texting a few men. Always knocking off someone's man. She's a right tart. She reminds me of your friend. You never know her intention but it's odd. If I was texting my partner's mate asking him to meet me it would cause slot of confusion if he wasn't included.

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 19/08/2020 16:43

Your OHs reply needs to be, I'm sorry, I think you keep sending me messages that you meant to send gooseberry.
Or, sounds GREAT. I'll get a sitter in, gooseberry will be delighted.

First reply would mean she doubled down and says, no I meant to invite you. Or backs off.

Second, she will cancel, or itll be awkward as heck and she will back off.

Either way, I wouldn't be thinking of her as a friend.

I had similar with a friend, who was always gushing about DH dping x,y,z for her.
He was like....erm. I did x,y,z because shes a person, and I am polite. It's just what you do.
But to ex friend it was more.
I went away for work a few times, and this friend who I'd see 1-2 times a month was buzzing about, inviting DH for coffees, turning up to check on him and DD.
He eventually said, dont tell her anything, she makes me feel uncomfortable and as you disappear she appears.

About a year later she ended up with one of her other friends husbands.

CleverCatty · 19/08/2020 16:48

Here's another option - meet for coffee with this 'friend' and mention what's been happening - ask if it's normal etc and would she like it if the same was done to her?

You could have a stern word with her and say, I don't like these messages and if they happen again, our friendship is over. Give her a chance. If she continues you have your answer, but you're giving her a clear warning that whatever she thinks of her behaviour both you and your DH think it's not on.

Lifeisabeach09 · 19/08/2020 16:53

She's being inappropriate. In your position, I'd have a very frank conversation with her about it and warn her that if she continues to contact your DH, she'll lose your friendship. Obviously, she'll try to gaslight you but be firm and don't mince words.

IHateUserName · 19/08/2020 17:00

I think you need to get your DP to shut this down. If you say anything she will think it's jealousy, that she has a chance with him and will continue the pursuit. Where as if he tells her bluntly that he is not interested in her and that nothing is going to happen between them then blocks her she should get the message. I would also be ending the "friendship" ASAP. She is obviously after him, whether because she genuinely fancies him or just wants the ego boost of winning a taken man, and she obviously doesn't care how much you would get hurt. She doesn't care about your feelings so stop feeling the need to protect hers.

greeneyedlulu · 19/08/2020 17:03

She sounds like a slut bag whose after your man! You dont do things like that and it's a good sign that your fella isn't running round there to put her furniture together. She is most definitely the problem here!!

CleverCatty · 19/08/2020 17:04

@Lifeisabeach09

She's being inappropriate. In your position, I'd have a very frank conversation with her about it and warn her that if she continues to contact your DH, she'll lose your friendship. Obviously, she'll try to gaslight you but be firm and don't mince words.
I'd definitely do this because if you shut down the friendship then she feels she's won as you feel threatened - also if any mutual friends she may try to minimise.

If she's a nice person and maybe been a good friend maybe she's being obviously belligerent and forceful about forging a relationship with your DH.

CleverCatty · 19/08/2020 17:06

I don't necessarily think drinks after work is necessarily cause for concern - I've been for drinks with 'attached men' and it's been purely as friends - no other agenda from other side but simply because we work in the same area. the other stuff, not on, cosy dinners out etc

Branleuse · 19/08/2020 17:07

you both need to block her or stop responding.

Toomuchtooyoung01 · 19/08/2020 17:14

Wow, that is so far from appropriate. I have known most of my friends partners for over 10yrs and still wouldn't start inviting them out without my friends there.

Merryoldgoat · 19/08/2020 17:18

It IS weird.

They weren’t friends before.
They don’t have any common interests.

She’s making a move on him.

The doing it ‘openly’ is a way of undermining you and making you feel daft for objecting.

Cut her loose and tell your DP you are doing so.

Gloriousgardener11 · 19/08/2020 17:26

Cheeky Mare !!
I've come across women like this before who appear to go for men they
know they can't have or are 'unavailable' such as married ones or those with partners.
They seem to enjoy the challenge, yet when they get the man they often lose interest.

wheretonow123 · 19/08/2020 17:30

Ask him to stop responding or to significantly delay his responses to her.

wheretonow123 · 19/08/2020 17:33

And I agree on cutting her loose, let her do the work on your own relationship going forward.

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