Friends - I’ve been following your whole thread. My initial reaction was utter horror at your father, because he is the person who prompted you to write. But as your thread progressed I found a growing sense of revulsion and real anger at your mother. My sense of disbelief is enormous.
Your father seems now to be a bog-standard abusive evil bastard. Relatively straightforward to understand, hate and dismiss.
Your mother, however, is terrifying. Your mother is harming you even now. The person you need to really hear - and I deeply hope therapy will help with this - is yourself. You have the words and the knowledge, but they aren’t squaring with your emotions. And I can understand how tough that is.
You refuse to allow your father to harm either you or your DC and that’s so strong of you. His crass words anger you and you reject them. But your mother is still harming you, as an adult. Her words and actions are still sinking in, still hurting, but it’s much harder for you to see them as being as brutal as fists.
I took the liberty of going through your posts and extracting things you said about your mother. Look at how the thread evolves. We start with you stating how much you love her and how much she deeply loves your DC.
But towards the end, we see she is actually quite cruel. Passive aggressive gifts, calculated silence. It’s just nasty.
What stands out for me is you at age 11. You mentioned your mum had a breakdown, but what happened all around that? Was she really as caring as you believe or have you used the breakdown as a way to rationalise her abuse? Because, make no mistake, standing silently by and allowing an adult to beat a toddler is utterly unforgivable. And that happened before you were 11. Why do you see that as a time she cared?
The other thing is your DCs. I wonder if you could talk to them a bit more; that is, if they are old enough.
In spite of how much your mother apparently adores them, they seem indifferent. Is that because they see her with clear eyes? Do they see and accept the insincerity of her actions and reject the false manipulativeness of it. You see it too, but there is that painful pull you have that brings in emotions. And your mum knows this works. That’s why she is doing it.
But read below, your own words. I can’t help feeling you are deeply mourning something/someone who never ever existed at all. Your idea of what she could/should/might be is a mirage. I feel enormous compassion for you, and real rage at what you were put through as a child.
====== Your words =====
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I love my mother dearly,
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My mother gets so upset because she loves her gds very very much,
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She will sob and cry, there will be a huge massive drama however I do this.
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I will take my mum out from now on, and see her alone.
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She described it as the most lovely part of her life, because no one argues in our house and it is a happy home, and she can finally relax. She loves being with us and with the children, she looks extremely happy.
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So she knows we are always here. And always will be.
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She does manipulate people she always has.
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When I was eleven there was a social services investigation as to why I was covered in bruises. My mother told me to lie or I will never see her again, my dream of escaping died that day as I waited in the school library with my lies rehearsed for the two teachers and someone from a department somewhere coming in for a 'chat' with me.I knew then that I might lose my mother altogether, and the thought terrified me.
It [the police being called out] was a source of real embarrassment to them, but not enough to actually stop him though.
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I don't want to think badly of her, I want to go back to my old memory of her so much, to feel the comfort of thinking we were in this together, if we had escaped we would have been okay.
But actually I was never allowed to the child for long, it was always about her feelings, me supporting her and comforting her, as soon as I was old enough the roles were reversed and I effectively became the carer/the parent. She regressed to a child when she had her first breakdown, and quite frankly she never really came back. I have always had to be the adult if that makes any sense whatsoever. I had to look after her, even as HE was hitting me.
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We moved away mainly to put some distance between us. Broke my mother's heart, but I could not live in the shadows of my own neglect and abuse by being near them, or having them in my life.
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I have thought about writing a letter to my parents, but honestly my mother will use it is a tool to create a huge fuss and drama. She will cry and sob and plead that I am hurting her, punishing her when she has done nothing but her best for me.
It will always be about her suffering. She will always be the victim. It doesn't matter what happens to anyone else, it is always her pain that we need to comfort.
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Someone had to be sacrificed. I remember doing very well with my exams and the answer being it doesn't matter, all that matters will be my brother's results, because I am a girl. That was from my mother. I was fair game from the minute I was born, simply because I was female. A punchbag was needed to protect their fragile ego. The only thing that really mattered was that no one actually found out.
** ~~~~~ <span class="italic">this made me cry</span>
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Losing a parent that is still alive feels like a taboo. If you tell your friends you are overwhelmed with the loss of your parent and are feeling so sad, most will tell you to give her a ring/go and see her. Life is too short.
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My mother stayed with us a lot when they were younger, she was lovely with my girls, she played amazing games and taught them how to sew etc. They were very close to her for much of their childhood.
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We don't see my mother much, maybe a few times a year and something has changed, they are no longer happy to see her. I am not sure if it is their age or whether they hold her responsible in some ways for my treatment, now being older and better able to understand it.
Without being too outing, there was a serious medical issue that happened to me last year, and my mother didn't even phone me, so they haven't really got over that. I had hoped they could have a friendship with mother, even if I could not allow them to see my father.
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It was only once I had my own children, and felt such love for them that I realised how truly messed up my parents were to have hurt me like they did.
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With my mother it is as you describe, much more complex. She did not hurt me directly, but she hurt me indirectly.
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They [daughters] are civil, distant and unreachable is the general state of things towards my mother.
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I now have my mother in our lives some of the time, but the love and specialness of closeness with her has gone floral I just can't feel the same about her. Something inside me has died, so even when I see her I would not say it was remotely rewarding. So I never get that feeling of being loved, or anything from her really. I feel drained at the end, that is the overriding feeling.
I miss having the mother I thought I had, and I think you might be the same.
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I do feel so close to closure already, and to understanding the problem. I don't think the therapist can plug the 'totally alone no parent feeling', nor the dark days when I miss having a mum - I am not sure anyone can do that just by talking.
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One day I realised that no 2/3 year old child upwards can be to blame for a grown man hitting them repeatedly and for no real reason, I only really understood it entirely when held my own small dd laid in my arms, and I realised there is nothing she could ever do that could 'make' me hurt her, and I would literally do anything to keep her safe.
~~~~~ <span class="italic">God this broke my heart.</span>
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my mother still fawns over him
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Not only does it awaken the memories of your horrible childhood, there is also the pressure to have 'happy families' and extended bonds for your children beyond you, and happy memories etc.
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So my mother sent me a gift with this on the front:
'how lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard' A.A Milne.
And again I am feeling terrible, sad and how does she even know, and why send me this. It seems so sad, so very sad and has made me feel such anguish again...
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I get so messages telling me she loves me. Over and over again.
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They don't feel sincere, I don't want them and I don't feel happy to receive them.
They make me feel uncomfortable and like I could literally run for the hills and not stop running.
She has told dh something else is coming tomorrow, and we need to look out for it.
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When I had an accident I found myself reassuring her, when I was in hospital she would spend the whole time talking about how difficult this was for her. Every birthday, christmas, easter is all about her and what she wants, because it is her 'special' time of year. Even my birthday is all about her and how she gave me life that day etc. So it sounds extreme, but it is the way it is.
[…]
You are right when I am ill or my children are in hospital she disappears every time for months sometimes, she can not cope.
Or, when you are ill, there’s nothing there for her to parasitically live off. You can’t respond because you’re ill.
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I feel like I have been living my life through a prism of her needs, when I pulled away to lead my own life, the upset and the blowback was enormous, because she lost the life support system. But I can't be anyone's life support.
~~~~~ <span class="italic">If she still ‘fawns’ over your father, then are you her life support? It sounds like it is him that she needs to breathe, not you. In which case, which bits of you is she taking and needing?</span>
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With my mother things didn't get very bad until I was eleven, so until then I did have some love and kindness from my mother,
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And now silence. She is clearly now ignoring me as she would usually send a text or two.
I went to bed feeling sick with FOG, I recognised the guilt I was feeling (and asked myself why I feel guilty for my father's dreadful behaviour??) and for my mother not standing up for us.
~~~~~ <span class="italic">Truly</span> <span class="italic">heart breaking.</span>
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I can see I am almost desperate to 'fix' this and stop the silence, get things back on an even keel and make it all go away.
[…]
You are all right, she is probably cross I am putting dc before her (no one comes before her) and her wishes, loyal to my father and definitely nursing the 'wounded solider' - because she has always loved to be the wounded solider regardless of whether she is or not.
~~~~~<span class="italic">she sounds absolutely vile. I’m sure she is perfectly well spoken and meek and mild, but in her own way very</span> very <span class="italic">powerful and very vile.</span>
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