To leave DD(11) home all day?

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DD is 11, nearly 12, just starting secondary school. Very well behaved and sensible. She likes having an hour or so to herself when I go out shopping, walk the dog etc but has never been left longer than that.

Her Dad has just got a job after many years unemployed, I work in a school and go back 3 days before DD starts her new school, there's no way in hell I can take the first 3 days of term off and he won't ask about time off because of his job being new (he started this week).

DD would be on her own from about 7.30am to 6pm for 3 days running. Her dad insists that'll be fine, I don't like the idea, but I know I can be a bit anxious about things and now I can't work out if it's ok or not.

So wibu to leave her home alone that long?

With my first child, no problem. With my second, no way.

When I was 10 my mum left us. My dad made us breakfast, then I went to school. When I got home he was at work and I had to let myself in, and I was alone all evening, 5 days a week. I had to get my own dinner and put myself to bed. He got home about 11pm. Nothing went wrong.

I agree, it's not great for anyone to be alone for such long days on a permanent basis.

But frankly, I would feel as though I had failed as a parent (assuming no special needs) if I thought my secondary-age child couldn't be left for a couple of days on their own without risking their emotional or physical wellbeing.

I could leave my 11, nearly 12yo home alone all day, hes sensible, self sufficient, occupies himself and just generally trustworthy, and there are cameras on the house, so I get motion alerts.

I wouldn't personally choose to, but in this situation, its 3 day's, if you think she is capable of staying home and doing so safely then 3 days isn't the end of the world

It’s a one off, make it fun, stay in touch, hide a few gifts around the house, message her the whereabouts of a gift each afternoon, make gifts really fun. I’m going against the grain but I wouldn’t suggest a friend over. I was only ever up to mischief when a friend came over.

Thank you all.

Yes I could phone to check in on my break and lunch, and her dad could phone on his breaks.

It might become a thing most terms but I'm hoping by the next inset day either she'll have made friends at her new school and they'll hang out together or her dad will have been in his job long enough to ask for some flexibility.

We have netflix and disney+, she plays computer games and has loads of books so she'll have stuff to keep her busy.

Food wise we usually have dinner about 6.30 so she won't have to cook that, she often makes toast, sandwiches, cups of tea etc (she's even pretty good at asking if anyone else wants one) but I imagine unsupervised she will just stuff herself with snacks.

@WiltedWillows, I wouldn't leave a pupil alone no but I mean, I also get another adult in if I need to leave the room, and I work with children with SEN in early years/KS1 which is a million miles away from a fairly independent year 7.

@Choppedupapple I love the gift idea, I think that would help with my guilt.

@Wannakisstheteacher no it's not.
i was left almost everyday for multiple hours a day when i was 11, i also travelled to the bigger city (i lived in a small town with no big department stores, no mcdonald's etc so if i wanted to do that, i had to travel there) on the bus about 40 minutes late each way most weekends, either alone or with my friends (the same age as me, almost never an adult with us). i was fine

I don’t see an issue as long as you have phone contact. I started leaving dd at that age, she tends to just stay in her room all day, I leave her lunch so she doesn’t cook, she will happily play a games console, Skype friends and watch cheesy YouTube videos all day.

Depends on the child. If she is very anxious or clingy, or has special needs maybe not. But in general absolutely fine.

I left my eldest for whole days from when he was 12. I've always worked full time and after primary there is no or barely any childcare. So he started secondary and was used to getting himself to and from school. There was a "homework club" until 6. He'd then be home for about half an hour until one of us for back. All fine. For October half term we went on a family holiday and we used more leave at Christmas. Feb half term I found him a holiday club that took kids up to 14. He liked it but discovered he was the only one of secondary age and asked not to go back. The club leader also phoned me to say he was "shocked" that my son travelled there and back by bus "at his age"

By the Easter hols he was 12 and asked to just be allowed to stay home, so he did. He got bored sometimes but hey, don't we all?I

My son has HF ASD and can be a bit hapless so I was wary. But he did brilliantly and learnt some life skills (preparing food, using public transport alone etc.) which has done him good.

Can't believe how cossetted some kids are. He was supposed to meet a friend yesterday but his friend's mum wouldn't let him out because it was raining, FFS! They are nearly 16 now!

She ll be fine.At that age I could trust mine to lock up and go to the shops if they wanted, they didnt have to be locked in.

Now mine are adults and very independent. My one golden rule was that I wouldnt leave them ever if they werent completely fine with it. I asked them how they felt about being left alone as a result of a lot of these discussions on mumsnet and they felt grown up and proud I trusted them.

As long as she is ok with it she will be fine. If it was a very regular thing I wouldn’t be happy to do it but for a couple of days as a one off situation it’s fine. I’d make her lunch etc before you go so she isn’t tempted to start cooking and create a problem in the kitchen. Otherwise I’d ring home when I could and keep my phone on me (are you or your husband allowed to have your phones on you?) in case she needed to call. Don’t feel bad - it’s an exercise in independence. She will probably just binge watch Netflix or something.

Very strongly in the "Unless you have special reasons to be worried about your 11yo this should be perfectly fine"-camp.

And agree with pp that some of the answers on here are a bit....odd.

Yes, of course, there will be 11yos who cannot safely be trusted with an oven- but in that case I would expect the parents to know that this is a developmental thing affecting that particular child.

It is not the norm in most of the world (including other European countries) that an 11yo cannot safely cook themselves a basic meal or make a cup of tea or handle a minor injury (such as a slight burn from getting a tray out of the oven) by themselves. There is no developmental reason this should be the case. It is good for children to develop risk-assessing skills and to gradually get used to dealing with minor emergencies.

Again, of course there are individual children who are unusually anxious and of course it would be cruel to leave such a child alone for any length of time. But that doesn't mean every child has to be treated as if anxiety was the default position. And it certainly doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with a child being bored for a day or two. Boredom and acute fear are not the same thing.

YANBU. Needs must. DS was 11, almost 12, the first time he was left alone all day. The school I had started working in had teacher training days before his school returned.

Do you have any friendly neighbours or friends who could pop in a couple of times a day over those 3 days to ensure your DC is okay?

I'm curious about those who say no to this- do you have much younger kids or do you not work outside the home?

My son gets about 12 weeks holidays a year. I am allowed to take 3 weeks leave in school holidays- 2 in summer and one in either easter or october but not both. These are when we take our family holidays. Sometimes my husband can manage an extra few days but not every year. I work part time so around a couple of days a week but the other days he has to stay on his own- there really aren't any non-family child care options once they finish primary here.

In normal times he would be out and about with friends, obviously not during lockdown, but it is entirely normal here for kids to be out at parks/beach/swimming pool/in town etc unsupervised from about 11-12. I'd also like to see his face if I insisted he got up at 7.30am in the holidays so he could have a shower when there's still someone else in the house!!

"19:46Lovesgood

People on here will tell you to not let your 17 year old alone for longer than 2 minutes, however leaving your 4 months old in nursery is just fine and dandy..."

Well it is, because they are being looked after, not being left alone.

Sofia, I dont understand your post? If there is someone else in the house, why do you need childcare?

At 11, my child still went to a childminder, as she took her to and from school which was easier as we had other children there, and in the holidays they were out every day on trips out rather than being stuck in the house alone all the time.

A friend who is a social worker told me that there are no rules around age and being alone, but they tend to think if a child is 12, and sensible, that's the sort of age they would be happy with alone at home. Otherwise it could be abandonment. And it depends on what they have to do, ie do they have to cook a meal for themselves etc, which is added risk etc.

As long as she is ok with it, I think it's fine. When I was in Y7,I often had to collect my then 8 year old sister from school, walk the 2 miles home and then be at home with her until 9.30pm/10pm (including making us both dinner) when our parents got home (shift workers). Or, if they were both on an early shift, they left at 6.15am so I was responsible for getting us up, dressed,her to before club and me to school.

I'm only 33 so this wasn't that long ago. It wasn't ideal as it was a regular thing but we were fine.

As long as she knows what to do in the unlikely event of an emergency and you/her dad message/ring in your breaks then I can't see the problem. It's not a regular thing and it's needs/must.

It's completely fine OP.

If she's sensible, I don't really see why not.

However, she needs a clear plan of what to do if she needs help. And just really obvious things (to us) need teaching. For instance, if - for some reason - she needed to leave the house, does she now how to set the burglar alarm and lock the front door?

Are you okay with her using the oven or microwave while you're out? Or sandwiches only until you get home?

Could either you or DH pop home at lunch time to check in on her?

What should she do if you're not home at the expected time? What should she do if the doorbell rings?

I mean, don't scare her with endless "what ifs", but give a clear plan of what she should do if XYZ happens. Is there a trusted neighbour who could just keep a casual eye out?

@Orchidsindoors

Sofia, I dont understand your post? If there is someone else in the house, why do you need childcare?

At 11, my child still went to a childminder, as she took her to and from school which was easier as we had other children there, and in the holidays they were out every day on trips out rather than being stuck in the house alone all the time.

Sorry, that was in reply to people saying that they wouldn’t let kids bath/shower in the house on their own. His dad and I both leave for work before 8am so I’d have to get him up before then if he was going to shower supervised- as it was he got himself up and showered about 10.30ish.

There are absolutely no childminder spaces round here. When he was younger he went to holiday clubs but they generally finish at the end of primary school.

I'm with the anti-mollycoddlers. Go to the main station of a large city before school and you will see hundreds of Year 7s (and upwards) making their way perfectly competently between modes of transport unescorted. Some of them will have just turned 11, but they manage fine and while some will run into friends, some will encounter problems and have to deal with them. This is how we mature.

I would say you owe it to your DC to teach them how to be alone, first in their familiar environment, later in unfamiliar ones. How to deal with boredom and loneliness. How to cook simple meals and how to perform straightforward household tasks. To find a way to deal with the unexpected, such as a ring at the door, that works for them. I would expect any child to be OK with this by the time s/he started secondary school and to build on it over the school years so that s/he was fine living alone by school-leaving age.

Gosh, I've just spotted the NO BATHS OR SHOWERS rule. Why does anyone think that a healthy, supple 11yo would be more likely to have a fall in the shower than their middle-aged parent? Or come to more harm if they did?