To leave DD(11) home all day?

[YayGlitter]

DD is 11, nearly 12, just starting secondary school. Very well behaved and sensible. She likes having an hour or so to herself when I go out shopping, walk the dog etc but has never been left longer than that.

Her Dad has just got a job after many years unemployed, I work in a school and go back 3 days before DD starts her new school, there's no way in hell I can take the first 3 days of term off and he won't ask about time off because of his job being new (he started this week).

DD would be on her own from about 7.30am to 6pm for 3 days running. Her dad insists that'll be fine, I don't like the idea, but I know I can be a bit anxious about things and now I can't work out if it's ok or not.

So wibu to leave her home alone that long?

This thread has given me an insight into why so many of the secondary school age children I work with are completely lacking in resilience, problem-solving skills or the ability to cope with unstructured time. Posters saying they would be worried about how the loneliness and boredom would impact on the child "mentally"...after 3 days?! We're not talking about 3 days in solitary confinement here. She would be in her own home, with all her own things, able to chat to friends online and contact OP if she needed to and OP would be there in the evenings. She's hardly going to be traumatised by the experience!
Will she be bored? Maybe. Lonely? Maybe, for a couple of days. But why is that so terrible? Why have we become so averse to children and young people experiencing any kind of temporary discomfort? How do we expect kids to learn to cope with boredom if they've never been allowed to experience it? I get that they are long days, it's not ideal and OP knows that but neither is it "negligence" or "shocking" or any other other hyperbolic bollocks being spouted here.

OP, if you can make some arrangements so that your DD has some company for part of the time that would be great but if not, she'll be fine. I would be willing to bet that many of the pp's telling you this is unacceptable have never been in your position as they either don't work or are fortunate to have very flexible jobs. The responses telling you to just take some leave or bin off your after-school club responsibilities show that a lot of people understand nothing of the reality of working in Education! The reality is you can't just not go to work as you have to keep a roof over your child's head, but some on MN will never understand that.

The responses telling you to just take some leave or bin off your after-school club responsibilities show that a lot of people understand nothing of the reality of working in Education!

What a load of nonsense. I have been a teacher for 15 years. It's not the only profession where things can be hard or inflexible. I don't know why some teachers insist on making themselves out to be so hard done by. She can still ASK for.some flexibility for three days, like she could in any role. I suggested she ask for someone else to cover the after school club for three days not "bin off" her responsibilities.

It's not the only profession where things can be hard or inflexible.

Of course not. No one said it was.

But OP has been told on this thread to take annual leave, to ask for unpaid leave (completely unrealistic in a school in the first week of term) and has already been very clear that she can't not do the after-school club due to ratios.

I would be ok with it. I’d set ground rules, suggest things she could do eg message friends when they finish school and call her during my breaks for a chat.

But I’d also try and come up with a back up plan if day one does not go well.

You know your DD. If she is happy with it and you think she can handle it then give it a go

Unless she is so timid that she is scared of her own shadow she will be fine . I definitely left mine at that age . If she gets bored she could go to local shop or go for a walk !! If she is starting a new school maybe she is on a group chat with her new classmates.

@welcometohell

This thread has given me an insight into why so many of the secondary school age children I work with are completely lacking in resilience, problem-solving skills or the ability to cope with unstructured time. Posters saying they would be worried about how the loneliness and boredom would impact on the child "mentally"...after 3 days?! We're not talking about 3 days in solitary confinement here. She would be in her own home, with all her own things, able to chat to friends online and contact OP if she needed to and OP would be there in the evenings. She's hardly going to be traumatised by the experience! Will she be bored? Maybe. Lonely? Maybe, for a couple of days. But why is that so terrible? Why have we become so averse to children and young people experiencing any kind of temporary discomfort? How do we expect kids to learn to cope with boredom if they've never been allowed to experience it? I get that they are long days, it's not ideal and OP knows that but neither is it "negligence" or "shocking" or any other other hyperbolic bollocks being spouted here.

OP, if you can make some arrangements so that your DD has some company for part of the time that would be great but if not, she'll be fine. I would be willing to bet that many of the pp's telling you this is unacceptable have never been in your position as they either don't work or are fortunate to have very flexible jobs. The responses telling you to just take some leave or bin off your after-school club responsibilities show that a lot of people understand nothing of the reality of working in Education! The reality is you can't just not go to work as you have to keep a roof over your child's head, but some on MN will never understand that.

Thank goodness for some sense.

Op. It is absolutely NOT unfair to ask your 11 year old If she is happy at home all day for 3 days or if she prefers to go somewhere for at least some of that time . Your experience sounds awful but this is really not the same at all. I completely agree that many posters on here are over protective in an unhealthy way and are not fulfilling their responsibilities as a parent to encourage independence and coping skills in their children .( the ones saying absolutely no, not the ones saying it depends on the child)

11 years old is plenty old enough for some children to do what you are suggesting. You need to talk to your child to work out what is reasonable and what she is ready for .

She will be fine.
Is she ok with the idea?

A 4 month in nursery is not left on their own they with childcarers. V odd comparison.

I’m really surprised at these responses. I just couldn’t leave my 11 year old alone for that length of time for three days. I’d feel uneasy about the lack of supervision and what they may get up to. Regardless of how ‘sensible’ they are, they’re still a child. It’s a big responsibility to impose on them at that age I think.

My ds wouldn't move from his computer except to get snacks. His ass print would clearly be on the couch when I got home.

The idea that an 11 year old wouldn't cope mentally with three days of screens and snacks. They're not on a deserted island you know. They won't draw a face on a ball and call it Wilson.

Presumably you'd be able to call her at some stage during the day?

I don't see the problem.

I would be fine with this.
I thought you were going to say that you were leaving her regularly, but it is a one off, or maybe will be at the beginning or end of each term.

I would make sure she is confident with who she can contact, and maybe give her some things to do (can she hang up some washing etc)

I woudl text /call her at lunchtime. When I left my ds for first time, my mum also called him.

Of course some kids will get up to mischief, but you know your own child, and most kids will just pootle round at home, watch TV, get up late, burn their toast and learn from it etc.

It is good for them to learn a bit of independence

Why would it be an issue even if it was regularly?

This mollying of secondary school age children is why we have a generation of incapable adults.

@Hoggleludo

I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I am quite shocked at the replies

My 8 yr old is perfectly sensible. But I can’t imagine leaving her in 3 years for over 12 hours.

I thought my mum was incredibly laid back. I had parties at 13. She also worked and was a single parent. But I don’t think I was left till 12-13.

I couldn’t.

I think this is because your oldest child is only 8.

When mine was 3 I couldn't imagine they would ever be ready for school.
When they were 7 I coudln't imagine they would ever be allowed to walk to school alone,
etc etc.
I other words, we cannot imagine how our children will be grown up in a few years time.
There is a massive growth in maturity during year 6. They are different beings. At the beginning of year 6 the idea of secondary seems shocking, but by the beginning of year 7, they are so ready to go.

So, I suspect that when you 8 year old is 11, you may feel differently

Could you afford a child minder/nanny for a few hours on those days? If they came at 7.30 and left at 1pm then your dd wouldn't be alone for so long and they could supervise her doing lunch/go out etc.

They're not on a deserted island you know. They won't draw a face on a ball and call it Wilson.

I used to work at a university and some of these responses explain a lot about how some 18 year olds behave (like mollycoddled babies)

If she is happy to be left alone then I would do it at age 11

I would give strict instructions not to open the door to anybody and would do regular check ins during the day either text or phone
I would pre make a sandwich and leave in fridge along with snacks for the day to avoid the temptation to turn oven, kettle ect on
Perhaps let her rent a film or two - new book to read, art activity ect to keep her busy
If you trust your next door neighbour it might be worth asking them to keep an eye / ear out as well

@jojobar

Why would it be an issue even if it was regularly?

This mollying of secondary school age children is why we have a generation of incapable adults.

I think it is a very long day for it to be regularly, I think teenagers still need adults round. I have no hesitation in trusting my teens to be alone for a few hours. I would have no hesitation in this context. Or for a couple of hours after school. But I do not think it is good for our teens to be left for hours unsupervised, day after day.

On all the back to school threads I keep saying, we can't work on an expectation that our secondary aged kids will be home alone all day every day, doing remote learning, it is not fair on them, or realistic.

I would pre make a sandwich and leave in fridge along with snacks for the day to avoid the temptation to turn oven, kettle ect on

Oh good grief. It is like the person up thread who said they can't have a shower while you are out! Toaster and kettle are FINE for a sensible 11 year old. My 12 year old can cook a meal. I wouldn't ask her to while we were out, but she is perfectly capable of making toast and tea

You'll be able to ring her at break and lunch?

I was left alone for days like that from that age. Single dad. Stopped going to child minders by secondary school.

You have to judge yourself:
Is she sensible?
Do you trust her?
Is she happy too?

If so, you’re good to go!

The worst I did at that age was raid the crisp cupboard when left alone!

You leave early, at least this way she can stay in bed, wake up naturally and chill for her last few days off.

A childminder for an 11/12-year-old! Hahaha... When I was this age, I WAS the childminder for my 9 & 6-year-old siblings. Every Saturday I had to clean the house, go and do the WEEKLY shop which entailed going to supermarket, greengrocers, bakers and butchers. This was done while my mum was working over-time at the factory. I had to remember to keep my eye on the coal fire, make sure I top up the coal. Then by 5pm I would have peeled a huge bag of potatoes and boiled them to then mash with butter, get two big packets of sausages in the frying pan, boil the water for the Birds Eye frozen peas, then make the gravy. This would be ready and waiting for when mum got home around 5.30. There was 7 in our family I was the eldest girl. It was not strange for me to cook the Sunday roast from scratch. Everything ready at the same time. Just remembered, at this age I was entrusted by neighbours to take their babies in the pram for a walk in the park to give the young mum a break. How times have changed judging by some of the posts on here.

It sounds like if yours and DD’s school terms don’t quite line up this could become regular. But let’s face it, the odd day attached to each holiday isn’t excessive. You’re not doing anything wrong - plenty of secondary school kids are left for the day. And as she gets older she’ll find someone to meet, somewhere to go if she gets bored of it.

@Hayyancairo2, why is it so difficult to understand that not all 11/12 year olds were like you

Mine would have been fine with it at 11, in fact she would love it. Her friend would have hated it as didnt like being home alone. It really depends on the child. We gradually built up time, starting with 10 minutes, then an hour etc.

Those suggesting it is abusive must have grown up in another world to me, I had my own door key at 9, went to school in the next village on foot or on the bus alone from 8. Times may have changed but my main concern with my children is increased traffic. Locked in their own home but with a key, instructions not to open the door, numbers and addresses of adults close by for emergencies and a little common sense means it's a pretty safe choice. I'd much rather that then them roaming the streets.