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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD(11) home all day?

184 replies

YayGlitter · 18/08/2020 19:38

DD is 11, nearly 12, just starting secondary school. Very well behaved and sensible. She likes having an hour or so to herself when I go out shopping, walk the dog etc but has never been left longer than that.

Her Dad has just got a job after many years unemployed, I work in a school and go back 3 days before DD starts her new school, there's no way in hell I can take the first 3 days of term off and he won't ask about time off because of his job being new (he started this week).

DD would be on her own from about 7.30am to 6pm for 3 days running. Her dad insists that'll be fine, I don't like the idea, but I know I can be a bit anxious about things and now I can't work out if it's ok or not.

So wibu to leave her home alone that long?

OP posts:
Hayyancairo2 · 18/08/2020 22:50

I think if you thought the idea was totally out of the question, you wouldn't be asking. So, I would leave my child this age by herself. You know your own daughter and how sensible she is. Plus you know if she'd feel ok being on her own all day. I would just make sure she had her phone on charge all day and give instructions as to when she will text you, "All good here".

catsarecute · 18/08/2020 22:56

I would be a bit anxious about it but would do it if needed, as long as the child felt ok with it and had a plan for emergencies etc. I would also phone up at lunch time to check they were ok. DS would have been fine about it at 11, in fact he would have been pushing me out of the door haha. We did leave him for half days at that age. If I thought he was anxious or nervous about it that would be different. I agree with other posters that it may be possible to take her into your work with you so it's worth asking about that as an option too (don't know if covid guidelines would change that though?)

AuditAngel · 18/08/2020 22:56

It depends on the child, my son would have been happy, as would my 9 year old (although I wouldn’t yet leave her for that long, but 2-3 hours she’d be fine). My middle one would be fine for that time in the summer, but not in the winter as she’d be scared after dark. But she’d be fine in the winter with the 9 year old.

tootiredtothinkofanewname · 18/08/2020 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ltdannygreen · 18/08/2020 23:00

I find these threads amusing, most of us over 30 now were left by ourselves at like age 10 and wandered the streets alone when we were like 8 and as long as we were back by the time the street lights went off no one batted an eyelid. Ds is 12 he’s stays by him self for a few hours here or there if he doesn’t want to go somewhere with is and more often than not he’s still in the position I left him in. Most of his friends stay by themselves for most of the day. I think being in the safety of your own house is better than letting them wander the streets. Just check in with her texting or phoning will give you a peace of mind. I know times have changed but it’s not the times it’s the media that’s changed, So what we know is different. As long as you think she’s mature enough I think she will be fine.

fruitpastille · 18/08/2020 23:02

I think it's fine is she doesn't mind.

Alternatively, could you ask if she could go with you to work? She could help out doing photocopying/ laminating etc or just sit quietly with a tablet or book. My heads daughter used to help out in reception sometimes if she had a training day.

BigChocFrenzy · 18/08/2020 23:02

From age 11, I was left home all day during school holidays or if I was off sick

Mum was a widow in a low paid job, no other choice to pay the bills
we'd sofa-surfed before and THAT was horrendous for me

However, I'd been brought up to be pretty independent:
go to the shops, do simple cooking, chores

DelphiniumBlue · 18/08/2020 23:03

I haven't read the whole thread, but might your school allow you to take her in with you, maybe for at least some of the time? I've found some schools are quite helpful, particularly if DD can do something useful, like helping get a classroom ready, labelling books etc.

SE13Mummy · 18/08/2020 23:15

It's one of the hazards of working in a school; term dates, INSET etc won't always match so staff children will either find themselves put to use in their parent's school (if it's a primary, less so at secondary), palmed off on someone else or left home alone for those days.

DH and I are both teachers so our DC have been doing this pretty much all their lives. When they were much younger, we sometimes managed to have them stay with grandparents for a couple of days/nights (they're not local) but once they were in Y6/7, they've had the choice of staying home alone or thinking of someone I can ask to have them for the day.

DC1 likes company and is ultra risk averse so has always made arrangements to go and 'help' a local family with younger children or increasingly, to do something with friends. Introverted DC2 is truly thrilled to have a turn at being home alone and relished this during lockdown when the rest of us were at school. Grandparents can be phoned for company and are happy to phone to check in and various neighbours and local friends are similarly happy to be 'on call'.

They both know not to answer the door (with the caveat of being allowed to open an upstairs window to respond to delivery drivers with something along the lines of 'Mum's in the shower, please leave it behind the bin'), not to bathe or shower and for DC2, not to use the hob (it's a height issue). We've talked about what makes a house sound as though it's occupied and brilliantly, doing long periods of music practice at the front of the house (they play brass instruments and we don't have double glazing) is something they both think would guarantee anyone watching the house would assume there's a parent at home Grin.

Passthecake30 · 18/08/2020 23:18

I’d say it is a bit of a long day, my yr 7 ds has been happy to be left for 5 hours while I worked, but no longer - he needed the company/security of someone being in the house with him. Also, it’s a big jump from an hour or so, to a very long day?

Can you get an older teenager to pop in? A sister of one of her friends perhaps?

MintyMabel · 18/08/2020 23:24

It would be a no for me.

Chouetted · 18/08/2020 23:32

I was far more capable of coping alone at that age than my mother. I'd done a bloody first aid course, so I ended up dealing with most of the minor emergencies in my house...

Depends entirely on your child.

BikeRunSki · 18/08/2020 23:40

It’s not ideal, but after my friend died, her widower had to leave his 11 year old alone fairly often. Too old for wrap around, Couldn’t take her to work.

This is a very strange year, I imagine many parents are being pushed into less than ideal childcare decisions.

DS is 12 in three weeks time. He has spent an hour or 2 at home alone in the last year or so. I reckon he could do 7.30am to 6pm if he had too, with a PS4 and enough snacks.

MillicentMartha · 18/08/2020 23:42

I think it’s perfectly fine. I also work in a school so that I could be with my children in the holidays, but there are always insets/different term dates etc. By the time they are at secondary school it’s fine. If it’s the first time I’d maybe see if she can stay at a friend’s for the middle day.

Jojobar · 18/08/2020 23:44

I was left every day during school hols for longer than that as both my parents needed to work for financial reasons. We had no other family.

Likewise I left my own children home all day, 7-7 when I was working during school hols from secondary school age.

No issues ever ensued and indeed my own children are significantly more independent and resilient than their peers.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/08/2020 23:49

As someone who works in a school can i ask why you have to be home quite so late? I get that you have work but for those three days couldn't you let work know it's not possible for you to stay on and just leave as the school day ends and work the rest of the day from home?

Also do you have a friend or neighbour or one of her fitness parents who could drop in on her part way through the day. I would be happy to do this for a friend.

I don't think it's the end of the world but I think you could make it a bit less daunting for her.

Feelingconfused2020 · 18/08/2020 23:51

Fitness=friends

suzy2b · 19/08/2020 00:01

My granddaughter who is also 11 nearly 12 would love it she would be on the laptop all day and not move

Original poster
YayGlitter · 19/08/2020 00:09

Trying to make sure I don't miss anything.

Absolutely no chance of her being allowed to go to work with either of us. In normal times yeah she could have come to school with me and tidied the library or something, and she'd probably quite enjoy it, but not at the moment coz of corona. Her dad is working on a construction site so strictly no kids ever.

My family aren't local but my Dad said he'll see if he can work something out, her dads family don't want to. I am asking around my friends but no luck yet, they're all busy/working, she hasn't got any friends we could ask.

Older teenager is a possibility, I hadn't thought of that.

She knows not to open door etc, it's just ciz it's a long day that worries me.

I was left home alone at much younger but by her age I had also stopped going to school to look after my siblings, which is why I'm unsure, it's a hard balance between not making her grow up too quick like I did and not babying her. I'm not worried about her ability to cope, more if it's fair to ask her to.

OP posts:
Original poster
YayGlitter · 19/08/2020 00:12

@Feelingconfused2020 because I help run the after school provision so have to be there til the last child is collected.

OP posts:
Feelingconfused2020 · 19/08/2020 00:15

Can you explain why it's 7.30am-6pm? Do you work a long way away? Schools normally finish much earlier than this and surely your school would understand if you had to get straight off for these three days?

If you are quite far away is there scope for her to spend the day doing something more local to your work? Is there a library or shopping centre nearby that she could go to? Then you could maybe meet her for lunch.

What are all her friends doing? Is there someone who could come over for a bit so that it breaks the day up?

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/08/2020 00:17

Sorry cross posted. Maybe it's the after school provision that you could ask for flexibility with? I think those last two hours make a difference, especially if it means she has to cook for herself.

In our area all after school provision is cancelled at the moment so all parents are having to make alternative arrangements with their workplaces.

WiltedWillows · 19/08/2020 00:28

Would you be happy leaving an 11 year old pupil at school on their own all day?

Heartofglass12345 · 19/08/2020 00:29

I think she'll be fine, you can always ring her at lunch time to check on her and make sure she has the schools number in case she needs to get hold of you. I used to spend the day on my own and I loved it. My mums rules were don't answer the door or use the cooker. I would just make myself a sandwich and some snacks and watch tv or read

Fuccia · 19/08/2020 04:43

It depends on the child really. If she's mature enough, I don't see the problem. You could maybe ask a friend, neighbour relative to pop round once to check all is okay?

During summer holidays, aged 12 I was left at home alone with my 10 and 6 yo siblings. We were absolutely fine. My mum did used to pop round at lunchtime though, but this was for 6 weeks rather than 3 days.