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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD(11) home all day?

184 replies

YayGlitter · 18/08/2020 19:38

DD is 11, nearly 12, just starting secondary school. Very well behaved and sensible. She likes having an hour or so to herself when I go out shopping, walk the dog etc but has never been left longer than that.

Her Dad has just got a job after many years unemployed, I work in a school and go back 3 days before DD starts her new school, there's no way in hell I can take the first 3 days of term off and he won't ask about time off because of his job being new (he started this week).

DD would be on her own from about 7.30am to 6pm for 3 days running. Her dad insists that'll be fine, I don't like the idea, but I know I can be a bit anxious about things and now I can't work out if it's ok or not.

So wibu to leave her home alone that long?

OP posts:
heyhoo · 18/08/2020 21:51

When I was about that age I would go and pick up my brother from primary school, walk us home and cook some days. My brother is now 21 and my mother doesn't even trust him to look after the dog. My point is only you know your child and what she is responsible enough for. Chat to her

uglyface · 18/08/2020 21:53

@Minister01 Yep - I used to quite frequently walk to the village shop and have a bar of chocolate for lunch! Nowadays that would be an instant two pounds gained 🤦🏻‍♀️

vanillandhoney · 18/08/2020 21:54

@Myohmy111

I’m really surprised at these responses. I just couldn’t leave my 11 year old alone for that length of time for three days. I’d feel uneasy about the lack of supervision and what they may get up to. Regardless of how ‘sensible’ they are, they’re still a child. It’s a big responsibility to impose on them at that age I think.
It's only a big responsibility if you don't give them time to get used to it. I was left home alone for an hour or so from 8, slowly building up to being left all day at age 11.

I knew not to answer the door. I could go to town with friends - I just had to ring my mum first. If my mum rang I had to answer the phone (I had a mobile) unless I'd pre arranged to go to the cinema or something. I cooked basic meals - pasta, toasties, oven cooked pizza - cleaned up afterwards and even did things like vacuuming and laundry.

I absolutely loved it and look back on those summers with immense fondness. Now at 31 I still love my own company and could happily spend a couple of weeks pottering about at home!

It's good for children to have that kind of experience.

Doveyouknow · 18/08/2020 21:55

I was left alone at this age for the odd day and loved it. Freedom to eat random food and watch TV. I wasn't lonely at all. I think it's fine if you have neighbours she can contact in an emergency.

whattodo2019 · 18/08/2020 21:56

3 days is a long time. My DD is 14 and DS 13. I leave them on their own. The first day is ok but after the second they struggle fill their time constructively.
I would try and arrange for your DD to have some play dates or even pay a friend to look after her and get out and about

Spied · 18/08/2020 22:01

I'd not be leaving any 11 year old alone for a whole day. I'd be a bag of nerves and wouldn't be able to concentrate on my work.
Even as an adult if something was to go wrong, there's a good chance I'd panic -and I'm 40. I'd not put that on an 11yr old.

sofiessofa · 18/08/2020 22:02

We've had to leave ours since he was 11 as there's no holiday clubs etc once they finish primary. He was 12 during lockdown and had long days on his own (we're both NHS staff) without even being able to ask grandparents to pop in as they were shielding. Possibly a bit more junk food and xbox than ideal, but we all coped and survived.

Doggybiccys · 18/08/2020 22:04

[quote Wannakisstheteacher]@Infullbloom, sorry but that is shocking and bordering on negligence. Leaving an 11 year old home alone all day 4 days a week is just not right at all.[/quote]
@Wannakisstheteacher - did u actually read the post? It’s 3 days as a one off.

OP - if she is up for it, it will be fine. She is heading towards her teen years and will be proud you trusted her. You are showing her resilience and that sometimes we have to do stuff we’d rather not do to work and make ends meet. Maybe take her out for a treat after it to thank her for being mature.

My DS is lovely but completely devoid of common sense and problem solving. I had to leave him home alone for about 2 weeks after school when he was 13. He actually thanked me for trusting him!!

My friend leaves her 11 year old with her granny who is dooll-ally and I often think the kid is looking after the gran - but due to their ages, this is acceptable!!

milkysmum · 18/08/2020 22:07

This is it, during long down, with so many people unable to relay on grandparents as they might have done, I really think there will have been many many kids home alone since schools closed, and then more during the summer term. How else do people think parents have managed to work ( particularly single parents?) - but by 11/12 though I do think most are ready anyway to manage.

Graphista · 18/08/2020 22:08

What does dd think?

I think it would be fine IF she’s a well behaved sensible kid and you set certain rules. I would say:

NO opening the door to ANYONE
NO cooking or hot drinks (no need in my opinion she can wait till you’re home for a hot meal)
NO answering the landline phone (if applicable)
NO advertising the fact she’s alone
NO baths or showers while you’re out
Go over your fire safety drill with her again
Go over emergency drill (if she is unwell or hurts herself or feels in danger who to contact and how)
Tidies up after herself/doesn’t turn place into a tip!

I’m sure you’ll have ones of your own.

If she’s not comfortable or you don’t feel confident doing so (can you do some “trial runs” building up the length of time?) then could she go around to a friends house?

NOT on spec - don’t be a cheeky fucker - ask a friend of hers parents and either offer to pay them something or at the very least get them a gift at the end of the 3 days and of course remind dd to be polite and say every day thanks for having her?

I think even your neighbours might be ok to have her hang out at theirs if she’s a polite helpful type and they’re sociable?

I was babysitting younger siblings at not much older than this and certainly if I was off sick (not needing cared for but infectious so couldn’t go to school) or school holiday dates didn’t match with siblings at this age I’d be left home alone and I was absolutely fine!

Loved having tv to myself, peace to read and being able to eat what I wanted (without mum fussing over me “not eating much” - I ate plenty she just thought I should’ve eaten more!)

KatieB55 - I’m an army brat too I was also thinking of all the kids I knew that travelled to and from boarding school alone inc hours on flights etc!

MarthasGinYard · 18/08/2020 22:09

Yabu

I'm always shocked at these kind of posts TBH

Burnthurst187 · 18/08/2020 22:09

@Lovesgood

People on here will tell you to not let your 17 year old alone for longer than 2 minutes, however leaving your 4 months old in nursery is just fine and dandy... Hmm People have lost all common sense, but that is just my opinion. So yes, leave her to it she is 11 years old! She will be fine!
Correct me if I'm wrong but children at nursery are looked after and watched closely by multiple, qualified adults. Many will be trained first aiders too
Emeraldshamrock · 18/08/2020 22:14

If you can get a friend to stay though she should be okay with nice neighbours near by.
I'd try pop in at lunch.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/08/2020 22:15

sounds absolutely fine op. not negligent at all as some pps have said. could you get her a mobile phone maybe and text her at lunchtime to check she's ok? she sounds like a sensible girl and lots of 11 year olds get the bus home/walk home on busy roads. i used to go to brighton for the day and london wth friends in year 7. it's fine. children are more sensible than they seem, and yours sounds mature.

WhoUsedMyName · 18/08/2020 22:19

Some of these comments make me die! I feel that if your dc can not be left alone at this age you are doing something wrong. A year from now they will be in secondary school. I would never leave a 6 yo but could tell you now I am sure my dd 6 would be fine on her own. Why are you all raising such incompetent dc. Painful!

Lovingyou · 18/08/2020 22:19

I wouldn't do it unless I was in a position i could check on them regularly and/or pop home just to make sure they were okay. It seems like a long day and it's a big responsibility. For me, it would be less about the house burning down and more about whether they would know what's acceptable behaviour. I would want my kids to know that they had to get dressed, get up and do something. If they had plans it might be a bit different.

Pokkadots · 18/08/2020 22:20

My DD is exactly the same age and I would leave her.

premiumshoes · 18/08/2020 22:20

If there was ever a time that your 11 year old might appreciate you being around it will be in the mode final few days before starting her new school. It's a big move for some. I suppose it depends on the individual but I wouldn't have left any of mine alone in those few days. I would have left them at 11 for a few hours any other time though. Sometimes they just need you to be 'around'

Imsosorryalan75 · 18/08/2020 22:22

Hmm. My dad is 12 and very sensible but I think that is a long time to leave her...and for 3 days. What if she had an injury and didn't know what to do? Why can't she go to school with you and help out in class or the office? I've done that with my dad before - she went to the sch library and tidied books.

KarmaStar · 18/08/2020 22:22

I fully appreciate your position,but I really could not do this op.
It is unfair on your daughter,she will possibly be feeling pressured to say yes when she doesn't feel that confident inside.
Any of her friends mum's you are friendly with might step in on a promise of reciprocating in the future?or does your school have any day clubs?I'm sure you have explored all avenues op,and I hope you find an answer to this problem,with your dh in a new job I hope everything goes really well for you all.Flowers

BlueJag · 18/08/2020 22:32

We have a 14 year old. She'll be fine for 3 days just check with each other thru the day a few time. Absolutely nothing wrong as long as she is sensible.

merrytombombadil · 18/08/2020 22:35

It's a really hard one - she really just needs someone to hang out with rather than looking after. Could you ask someone with pre school kids whether your daughter could entertain them for a day or two? I'm thinking that I'd love a sensible 11 year old round here entertaining my youngest while I worked (you could even pay her for her first babysitting 'job')

MJMG2015 · 18/08/2020 22:35

@Doggybiccys. If you're going to pull another ouster up, it's best you actually follow the thread and understand quoting.

Clue: infullbloom isn't the OP

merrytombombadil · 18/08/2020 22:39

Or is there absolutely no way she can come into school with you? A couple of the teachers at my kid's school bought their kids in when they had nowhere else to go (just as all the schools were closing -their school had already closed)...the younger kids loved having 10 year old helpers

doityourselfnow · 18/08/2020 22:49

I'd not be leaving any 11 year old alone for a whole day. I'd be a bag of nerves and wouldn't be able to concentrate on my work.
Even as an adult if something was to go wrong, there's a good chance I'd panic -and I'm 40. I'd not put that on an 11yr old.

Are you seriously saying at 40 you couldn't cope alone if "something" went wrong??

Jesus! How do you get through life?

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