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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DD(11) home all day?

184 replies

YayGlitter · 18/08/2020 19:38

DD is 11, nearly 12, just starting secondary school. Very well behaved and sensible. She likes having an hour or so to herself when I go out shopping, walk the dog etc but has never been left longer than that.

Her Dad has just got a job after many years unemployed, I work in a school and go back 3 days before DD starts her new school, there's no way in hell I can take the first 3 days of term off and he won't ask about time off because of his job being new (he started this week).

DD would be on her own from about 7.30am to 6pm for 3 days running. Her dad insists that'll be fine, I don't like the idea, but I know I can be a bit anxious about things and now I can't work out if it's ok or not.

So wibu to leave her home alone that long?

OP posts:
Minister01 · 18/08/2020 21:05

@uglyface

My childhood/early teens sounds the same.

Absolute bliss eating chocolate angel delight straight out of the mixing bowl for lunch with a snack of Nutella out of the jar with a huge spoon. I did try coco pops with added sugar but that was a step too far. I was taught to make scrambled egg, make a sandwich or a cheese toasty but hey I covered my tracks.

Not sure how I wasn’t sick and didn’t gain weight but I look back at those times with fond memories.

At 11 I was definitely left home alone for a few hours after school until my dad got back from work (Usually between 6:30 - 7) while my mum was looking after my grandparents. He’d call into my best friends house before he got home as 9/10 times I’d be over there or he’d ask her parents what time he should send her home.

Being able to spend the whole day playing video games and binge watching my favourite films without being moaned at with whatever I fancied to eat. Absolute blissful summer holidays. I was allowed friends over who my parents knew. The only rules were to tidy up my mess, don't open the door to strangers (pretend my dad was upstairs asleep), be home by the time they were home and not get into trouble.

OP if your DD seems happy with the idea give her some independence. Soon she’ll be walking home from school by herself, going into town with her friends and then in a few years off to uni/moving out.

Sparrow234 · 18/08/2020 21:07

You need to make some other arrangement. That’s a long time for them to be alone and you’re clearly not that confident in their ability to fend for themselves in that time because you’re not comfortable with it and your on MN looking for reassurance. She’ll have to go round to a friends or something, or you’ll have to explain the situation to work and she’ll have to go with you and sit quietly / take activities somewhere at the school with you or with her dad.
Do you have no family or friends that could watch her? Like seriously, nobody?
You can’t just leave her because it’s inconvenient with work. If you have to use sick leave / AL / unpaid leave then so be it. She’s your child and your first priority.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 18/08/2020 21:08

I voted YABU but I don’t think it’s unsafe per se.

I’d just really worry about my dd being lonely and bored in that time. I think I’d try to find somewhere she can go/ someone who can be with her at least some of the time, and do this only as a very last resort.
What does your dd think?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 18/08/2020 21:09

I think your DH should ask about time off though. He can only ask.

I don’t think you should as you work in a school and that’s that.

Sunrise234 · 18/08/2020 21:13

It depends where you live, how far away your work is, if she is confident, friendly with the neighbours, knows what to do in an emergency etc.

At that age, most kids would be fine to be left but I would worry about someone breaking in during the day or a fire.
And it's different when you're out shopping because you can drop everything and come home or ring to check but will you be at work worrying all day - I would!

Is there anyone who could sit in with her just for the afternoons?
Full three days is a long time considering she isn't used to it.

Malaya · 18/08/2020 21:25

Does she have a smart phone or can you leave her one? That way you can video call her at lunch or even more frequently to check in with her. It is a long time, at that age, to be alone.

bathsh3ba · 18/08/2020 21:25

How does she feel about it? If she's happy with it, then for 3 days I don't think it's a big deal. But if she is nervous, it's better to find an alternative like a friend or relative's house.

sbhydrogen · 18/08/2020 21:27

As long as she's happy then it'll be fine. I'd do it.

Jackparlabane · 18/08/2020 21:27

I've got an 11yo. I wouldn't do it every day, like for a whole summer holiday, but for three days - sure. I'd buy food that didn't need cooking, some new books and maybe a computer game.

My kids have routinely answered the door since they were old enough not to run in the street - if Ds is alone I tell him to put the chain on and lie that me or Dad are busy. Very handy, seeing as we tend to get a parcel or two a day.

Hoggleludo · 18/08/2020 21:29

I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I am quite shocked at the replies

My 8 yr old is perfectly sensible. But I can’t imagine leaving her in 3 years for over 12 hours.

I thought my mum was incredibly laid back. I had parties at 13. She also worked and was a single parent. But I don’t think I was left till 12-13.

I couldn’t.

whereistherum · 18/08/2020 21:30

I was left by myself most the summer holiday at age 10.

However, what I was not aware of at the time, is the grandparents popping in for a cup of tea and my sisters (both much older) coming back to check on me.

Now its bloody obvious, plus the neighbours probably keeping an eye. I would probably do it with DS at that age, but only if I had someone to keep an eye

bridgetreilly · 18/08/2020 21:31

My 8 yr old is perfectly sensible. But I can’t imagine leaving her in 3 years for over 12 hours.

There is a BIG difference between 8 and nearly 12.

CookieDoughKid · 18/08/2020 21:31

Can you afford to hook up a home surveillance kit to your WiFi? One that you can view from your mobile? I have s friend that has done this quite cheaply, monitors front door and living room regularly. Is also motion activated for front door so it pings his mobile whenever someone is at the front door.

ZooKeeper19 · 18/08/2020 21:32

@YayGlitter totally fine. If she knows the drill in case of any emergency, she'll be more than OK.

CookieDoughKid · 18/08/2020 21:32

And I personally think it's fine but I would add some CCTV/ home monitoring kit.

pasturesgreen · 18/08/2020 21:33

It's not forever, it's just 3 days. She'll be fine and I'm sure she'll actually enjoy it!

jgjgjgjgjg · 18/08/2020 21:35

My 11 year old would love this! She'd stay on the sofa in her pyjamas all day watching TV and think it was great. She is extremely sensible though and well able to cook simple meals or order and pay for a pizza, deal with parcel deliveries, answer the phone and take messages, etc.

WouldBeGood · 18/08/2020 21:36

CCTV?! How creepy is that? For goodness sake!

earthyfire · 18/08/2020 21:36

No it would be too long I'd hate to think my child was alone all day. I remember when I was 12 and my parents left me for a short while to go to the shop, even though I was usually a very sensible child and never usually opened he door when my parents were out I got caught out on one occasion when I opened the door to a man who said he'd seen his girlfriend come in to my house. For a split second I almost let him in because I didn't know how to get rid of him - until my neighbour opened her door and told me shut the door and for the man to go away.

bibliomania · 18/08/2020 21:38

My DD could have handled that. That said, I would try to call in favours if possible, not necessarily for the full time, but at least to break the time up and get her a few hours with a friend.

ilovesooty · 18/08/2020 21:40

There are neighbours near and it's only for three days.
I'm sure my niece did the odd day like this in the school holidays.

Myohmy111 · 18/08/2020 21:43

I’m really surprised at these responses. I just couldn’t leave my 11 year old alone for that length of time for three days. I’d feel uneasy about the lack of supervision and what they may get up to. Regardless of how ‘sensible’ they are, they’re still a child. It’s a big responsibility to impose on them at that age I think.

milkysmum · 18/08/2020 21:47

It is not negligent to leave a child who is due to start high school home alone for a few days during the day!!
I am currently having to leave my 11 year old home alone during the summer holidays whilst I'm at work several days a week. She plays out with friends most days, I phone during the day to check in and she knows who to contact close by if she needs to. Sometimes there are no other options, and people know their own children.

Sunrise234 · 18/08/2020 21:48

one occasion when I opened the door to a man who said he'd seen his girlfriend come in to my house. For a split second I almost let him in because I didn't know how to get rid of him

This would be my worry.
Every time I've heard of someone's house getting broken into it's during the day when everyones at work.

I was left alone all the time when I was younger than 11 but I had a sister a similar age and we lived on an estate where everyone kept an eye on each other.

Marshmallow91 · 18/08/2020 21:50

At 11 and up, i always took a key to school with me, because by the time I got home, i didn't know if anyone would be in or not. My mum got home around half 9 and may dad 1am. I did everything for myself at that age. A few days won't hurt her if you are confident in her abilities to follow rules and understand why they are in place to keep her safe.
I'd also recommend making her a packed lunch and shoving it in the fridge so she's got an actual meal to eat through the day if she wants it.

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