To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

[flythewindmill]

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

Ignore him, what a self centered berk.
Its perfectly normal for you to have teared up, and shows the kids you will miss them.

I’m pretty sure you haven’t ruined their holiday.

Enjoy your 12 days if you can, filled with lovely things just for you.

I had my step kids for 3 months over lockdown. I cried when they left to go their Mums for the first time and she called me a bitch.
Let them suit themselves. It’s not like you were begging them not to go and leave you!

Not your ex's business how you behave as long as the DCs are adequately cared for.

Don’t reply. Nothing good can come of it.

Try and enjoy your child free time.

Is there a back story here op? In context you’ve provided it’s not unreasonable. But if you’ve previous for a bit of drama with him and bitterness displays that may be where this is coming from. It seems very unreasonable of him if there is no back story to just suddenly turn on you like that.

Sorry, I’m with your ex here. You need to lead by example. A couple of weeks is not a long time and they shouldn’t have to worry about how you are feeling about them being away. It doesn’t matter that it didn’t obviously upset them. It easily could have. Part of being the grown up is leaving room for their feelings not yours. I’d always wave mine off breezily even if I sobbed the second they left.

He’s got a point, what if they decide not see him because it upsets you ?
It seems your crying did n’t upset them but it could have done, surely you could have controlled yourself.

Don't reply to your ex. You'll start going round in circles.

Keep all messages positive with your children. Now is an age were they should be getting more independent and you should work on not getting upset when they are doing age appropriate, normal things.

You might get validation on here, but your reaction isn't normal and it's something to think about, as they go further into their teenage years and should be moving towards total independence.

I'd tell him to fuck off. I used to go abroad with my dad for 3 weeks in the summer and my mum got teary saying goodbye but so? Can guarantee it did not impact my holiday. If you were sobbing/begging them to stay I would understand but being a bit teary saying goodbye is normal.

Part of being the grown up is leaving room for their feelings not yours.

Goodness, what a dreadful lesson to teach your children.

Dorothea that's what I wanted to do but I wasn't able to stop the tears -not sure what I could have done really?

Bluntness There has been very little contact at all between us over recent years. I was bitter and angry when we split (not in front of the dc) because it was due to his infidelity, but I'm over that now and haven't mentioned it to him for years. I've never kicked off about him having the kids at all. One thing is he's finally made his first CM payment last month so maybe he's pissed off about that.

I think it’s fine for kids to see a bit of emotion. Healthy in fact. It’s not like you were scarily out of control (which is not good for kids). It was a couple tears. They’ll cope. They might learn that adults have emotions too - shock horror. They’ll see that you tear up because you love them but also that you can manage your emotions in the sense that you’re happy for them to go and you weren’t making a big fuss.

Eh I'm not going to say yabu but I can see where your ex is coming from

As a child my mother got upset when we left for long periods with our father and it did impact myself and my brothers wanting to see him, as we didn't want to hurt her feelings

Part of being a parent is knowing when to hold shit together for the sake of your children, leaving you upset would have been hard for them.

I can't see any harm in them knowing you will miss them - on the assumption that you were wailing that you didn't know what to do without them! Enjoy your time in peace and don't give your fuck wit ExH a second thought.

Pretty sure you haven't ruined their holiday but after 7 years you need to get through handovers without showing you are upset, it's not fair to them. I would be cross if exh showed emotion (I'm really annoyed with him anyway needs it's own thread!)

Your ex is an arse and is trying to twist the knife.
You should have seen the state of me - every sodding school trip away, guide camp, scout camp I cried. They are early teens now and I am still teary if they are away for more than a couple of nights. It's a standing joke. Your children will know you didn't begrudge them going.

Were not!!!

I'm very envious of the people that can control when they cry. I wish I could.

Yanbu. I'm sure your kids are able to understand that you'll miss them, and if makes your sad to see then go, but you hope they'll have a great time.

He’s a prick. I cry every time my kids go to their dads (they go for a week at a time) and I cry when my toddler goes anywhere for even a night, I can’t help it and I soon sort my face out and get on with it!

Don't apologise. Don't acknowledge. Just ignore.

I'd have got tearful too. If you didn't have to get peeled off their legs as they walked away you're doing fine!

Mixed feelings on this one. His response was clearly unreasonable. However, I'm firmly of the opinion that all children are best waved off to new experiences with a cheery, "Mummy will miss you but you're going to have so much fun, you can phone me later and tell me about everything!" Seeing you in tears doesn't really get their holiday off to the best start.

Sorry, I’m with your ex here. You need to lead by example.

Ahh, another MN automatron who has never had a situation where emotions overtake them without warning.

Don’t worry OP, most normal people have been in your situation. These things happen. Your kids will be fine. Frankly, my DD gets upset if we wave her off with relatives with a cheery smile as she thinks we don’t care.

You haven't ruined their holiday and he is being a bit of a dick. In an ideal world it would be best not to cry, but I'm a cryer and there's nothing I can do to stop the tears when they want to flow, so I'm not going to judge you on that.
Now go off and make the most of your temporary freedom. No moping allowed! ;-)

It’s fine to show a bit of emotion in front of your kids. I’m sure I probably shed a wee tear when each of mine went off camping with the school in year 5 and they still had a whale of a time. Your ex is a being a dick.