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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

158 replies

flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 15:44

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 19:04

I'm grateful for all the replies but I do feel like some posters haven't really taken in the specific details of what happened. I absolutely wasn't sobbing and people keep saying the dc won't want to go, but we've been apart 7 years. If I was going to behave in a way that stopped them wanting to go with him it would have happened by now. I've been positive about the holiday that they've not been overly keen on and I don't think all those years of being positive about them going to their dad's will have now been wiped out by a few tears. I've never cried about them going before.

OP posts:
ClementineWoolysocks · 18/08/2020 19:26

@flythewindmill

I'm grateful for all the replies but I do feel like some posters haven't really taken in the specific details of what happened. I absolutely wasn't sobbing and people keep saying the dc won't want to go, but we've been apart 7 years. If I was going to behave in a way that stopped them wanting to go with him it would have happened by now. I've been positive about the holiday that they've not been overly keen on and I don't think all those years of being positive about them going to their dad's will have now been wiped out by a few tears. I've never cried about them going before.
You're fine OP, there is absolutely nothing wrong with shedding a few tears in a sad situation. A robot of a mother who never expresses any emotion is liable to be more damaging.
Phrowzunn · 18/08/2020 19:31

I think your ex (and some of these posters too) are being very unfair. You crying upon being parted from them is only being taken as something negative as you and your ex are not together. If you and your husband were still happily married but you had gotten teary hanging the kids over to the grandparents for a holiday, or they were going on a school trip for the first time etc etc, your husband certainly wouldn’t be telling you off and I don’t think anyone else would have such a problem with it either. In that context it would just be motherly love but in the context of a handover between divorced parents it’s seen as drama or manipulation, which isn’t fair at all. You’re entitled to exactly the same emotions as any (happily married!) mother ffs!! Flowers for you anyway, I would have been teary too.

blue25 · 18/08/2020 19:36

It’s not very helpful for your children as they may well feel guilty themselves now due to your reaction. Best to wait until they can’t see you in that situation.

justanotherneighinparadise · 18/08/2020 19:39

Don’t reply. What a twat.

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/08/2020 19:40

You need to put your children first, sending them on holidays with the feeling they have betrayed a heartbroken mum by daring to take a holiday with dad is remarkably selfish and self indulgent.

Ps. I feel miserable every day DS is away (I’m going to cry for England when he leaves for university! He is my only family in the country) but I pretend to be happy to ensure he is enjoy his time rather than worrying about me when he is away.

carly2803 · 18/08/2020 19:48

i think i would have text back

"oh do fuck off"

big hugs OP, i can imaginehow hard it is - thats a long time without the kids.
do something lovely for yourself for the next 2 weeks

YgritteSnow · 18/08/2020 19:53

You need to put your children first, sending them on holidays with the feeling they have betrayed a heartbroken mum by daring to take a holiday with dad is remarkably selfish and self indulgent.

Good thing she didn't do that then.

ConkerGame · 18/08/2020 20:37

@Porcupineinwaiting well I had divided loyalties between what I wanted to do and what my mum wanted me to do! And no she wasn’t alone but she was sad, so same difference! Lots of people wouldn’t be sad on their own so don’t think that’s the only relevant thing

Happylittlethoughts · 18/08/2020 20:57

Wow, lots of people happy to police your emotions! My god you'd be busy chasing me through life with your wagging fingers over a wee tear. God, you had no intention of projection grief and distress on your kids. Nothing wrong with a watery eye and a tight hug to say I know you'll have the best time, I l'll miss you loads etc I'm sure your tone was breezy even if a tear squeezed out.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 18/08/2020 21:06

Totally fine to fill up when saying bye to kids, it won't have ruined anything.

That said how did he even see? You sat in your car him sat in his, I can't think what kind of crying in that situation would have even been noticeable to someone sat in a different car.

ColourMeExhausted · 18/08/2020 21:14

Good god, how can anyone even bring themselves to say they side with the ex! You clearly haven't read the OP's responses or you are choosing to wilfully ignore what she's told us. If anybody is going to spoil her DC's holiday, it will be her ex. It sounds like she's had to put up with a lot of nasty behaviour from him and yet has dealt with it all with dignity, grace and respect.

And there is nothing wrong at all with tears and showing emotion! I had a friend who went to boarding school and is messed up as a result. He says he hated how his mum would never cry when dropping him off, she would only be bright and breezy. He didn't feel heard and that she was glad to be leaving him. Perhaps she went home and had a good cry, but maybe things would have been different if she'd let herself show a bit more emotion?

You sound lovely OP, and a wonderful mum. Don't reply to your ex and step away from this thread, people seem to enjoy putting the boot in for the sake of it. Have wine, cake and a bath (if that's your thing! It's what I'd be doing Grin).

Original poster
flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 21:15

@GetOffYourHighHorse

Totally fine to fill up when saying bye to kids, it won't have ruined anything.

That said how did he even see? You sat in your car him sat in his, I can't think what kind of crying in that situation would have even been noticeable to someone sat in a different car.

I got out and helped the dc transfer all their bags from mine to his car while he sat there watching.
OP posts:
BoardingSchoolMater · 18/08/2020 21:32

@ColourMeExhausted I'm certainly not siding with the ex (who may well be a complete tosser). All I was saying was that sometimes it's better for children if you can save your tears until you are alone. You can still tell them that you will miss them very, very much, whilst also telling them that they will have a fantastic time. The two things aren't incompatible. My only point was that tears can be a bit of a burden to children, who might only understand them as "Mummy is unhappy because I'm going away - so I should never go away". Most children do want to make their parents happy, and they can be very conflicted if a parent is saying one thing but expressing distress in another way. Far easier for them not to have to think about it.

If you want to in the future, you can always say "I cried all the way home/I didn't want you to go, but that was all about me" etc. By then the child will be an adult, and will not be emotionally affected!

GetOffYourHighHorse · 18/08/2020 21:37

'got out and helped the dc transfer all their bags from mine to his car while he sat there watching.'

That's awful. Surely for the sake of the kids he could've put a front on like many separated parents do and got out the car to help with their stuff. Just ignore him, the only thing that would ruin anything would be their cold dad.

ColourMeExhausted · 18/08/2020 21:40

@BoardingSchoolMater that's fair enough and I absolutely get what you're saying. Definitely agree that excessive shows of emotion can be damaging to DC, especially when parents aren't together. But this wasn't the case with OP, I think she has behaved remarkably well given the circumstances of an unpleasant, cheating ex who had to be forced to pay her the smallest of CM support, whose DC were reluctant to go on holiday with their dad and not forgetting his unkind and unnecessary reaction to her tears. Tbh I'd have been crying too.

I just don't feel some posters (not you) are taking all this into account when they respond.

P999 · 18/08/2020 21:56

100% fine. Your ex sounds like a tosser. Ignore the nasty judgy posts. Its good and healthy for your kids to see you have emotions. Who wants a cold fish for a parent? Anyone who says otherwise is talking rubbish. You sound lovely. And sorry your ex is a prick. Flowers

Newfornow · 18/08/2020 22:01

He’s an insecure twat that is worried his children will miss their mum, so is being nasty to you.
Ignore him, I’m sure he is an ex for a reason . Remind yourself, enjoy some peace and look forward to their return.

DressingGownofDoom · 18/08/2020 22:02

Bizarre text from him. They have a mum who loves them and gets emotional when they leave, that's how it's supposed to be!

tenlittlecygnets · 18/08/2020 22:08

Tell him you were crying with gratitude as you were overwhelmed by his financial generosity... 🙄

Op, you did absolutely nothing wrong, and you have been supporting your dc by yourself for 7 years. You are a 🌟!!!

Wannabegreenfingers · 18/08/2020 22:11

Had similar with my stbexh, got an absolute gob full from him, how i'd ruined his time with the kids, I just need to get over it, you get the picture.

Ignore him, he's a dick.....

Enjoy your own time x

Waveysnail · 18/08/2020 22:11

If he sent you text in the afternoon there is a chance the kids have displayed anxiety about leaving you and how you are?

Hutella · 18/08/2020 23:05

I feel like the worst mum in the world because I dont cry when kids go off on holiday with their dad for a week and neither did I cry in private too. Some suffocating hugs "ok stop hugging me" and inside, tears of joy for the mental break...

OP your ex is a knob and your kids probably feel more loved than mine!!

MadameMeursault · 18/08/2020 23:22

@Waveysnail

If he sent you text in the afternoon there is a chance the kids have displayed anxiety about leaving you and how you are?
Of course there isn’t! He’s just being a twat. Trying to twist the situation to have a go at OP and belittle her, and use the kids against her. You’re well rid of him OP but I’m sure you know that.

I’d send him a text saying “Thank you so much for your concern. I’ve spoken to the kids, and don’t worry they’re perfectly fine. Hope you all have a great holiday.”

MadameMeursault · 18/08/2020 23:24

Btw I know what it’s like to not be able to control crying, I sometimes cry at the most ridiculous things. Both my kids stare at me when I’m doing it then take the piss. Better to feel and show emotions I reckon than keep things bottled up.