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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

158 replies

flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 15:44

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

OP posts:
Shallowsubmarine · 18/08/2020 18:07

You shouldn’t have cried. I waved my 7 year old off for 10 days for the first time last week. I was smiley and happy then had a cry when they had gone.

Crying in front of them makes them feel bad and/ or worried about you and feels unfair. It’s not their fault you’ve split up

Rosspoldarkssaddle · 18/08/2020 18:09

If daddy was better in the art of distraction, daddy wouldn't be handling questions right now.

Shallowsubmarine · 18/08/2020 18:11

Just to add your ex sounds like a cunt and I’m not siding with him!

updownroundandround · 18/08/2020 18:14

@ flythewindmill

I'm absolutely positive he's more upset about the CM and that's what's pissed him off ! Grin

I, and many other mothers, cried when our kids all went to a school holiday ( a week long). It's perfectly normal and natural.

Take this time to spoil yourself ( another thing which I'm sure is annoying him is that you've got free time !), do whatever makes you happy, and enjoy the break.

PepperMooMoo · 18/08/2020 18:17

I do honestly understand why you're upset and really feel for you..... however, when I was young my Mum would always get upset when I went away with my Dad and I would become very anxious worrying about her while I was gone. Just a thought.

raspberryk · 18/08/2020 18:17

I think you're a bit bonkers really, I have loved the last 2 holidays my kids went on with their dad, 10 days and 2 weeks. Age 5 & 8 currently.
It used to really piss me off how my exH layed on the tearful "I'll miss you so much" as it spoils it for the kids and projects feelings on to them and they feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent.

updownroundandround · 18/08/2020 18:19

Oh and you can reply to his text with

''It's normal to be upset at not seeing your kids, if you're human that is''

''It's up to you to make sure they have fun when they're with you, be a proper father !''

glasgowLil · 18/08/2020 18:22

Most kids are extremely egotistical and would think it completely normal that their mother is upset at the thought of not seeing them for two weeks. I’m sure you haven’t ruined their holiday. Your ex is just trying to manipulate the situation to make you feel bad. Hugs. Hope the two weeks pass quickly. Xx

MintyMabel · 18/08/2020 18:24

Just to add your ex sounds like a cunt and I’m not siding with him!

Except that you are.

itsgettingweird · 18/08/2020 18:27

I use to do brownie camp in summer and it always ran over my birthday.

Absolutely loved it!

I use to get tearful saying goodbye and get annoyed with my mum for not showing any inkling she'd miss me back Grin

Juliehooligan · 18/08/2020 18:30

Ignore your ex, he is just trying to get one over on you. Anyone with any form of human emotion would be upset at not seeing their kids for 12 days would feel the same, I know I would be.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 18/08/2020 18:31

It must be so difficult OP but as someone who was a very empathetic child, this would have completely ruined at least the first couple of days of my holiday. A cheery FT call would probably help a lot though? Whenever we take my DSD away, her Mum and Stepdad wave her off happily and we FT every day. Ditto when they take her away. Obviously all adults involved miss her desperately but we do child free things and make the best of it. All that matters is she has a fab holiday, whichever side of her family she’s with.

overwork · 18/08/2020 18:32

I'm in my 30's. Mum still cries when she see's me/ drops me off (we don't live near one another). I don't think it's odd you cried (and I think your ex sounds like one of those people who is an ex for a reason). Try to ignore him and try and enjoy your peace and quiet!

GetThatHelmetOn · 18/08/2020 18:34

From a divorced mum to another divorced mum, honestly. I’m with your ex, you really need to keep your emotions under control, crying because you were not going to see them during the holiday can certainly made them feel guilty and miserable during their holiday. They are going for a holiday not to war FGS.

skodadoda · 18/08/2020 18:34

If your ex doesn’t understand emotion and sends such an unpleasant message it’s easy to see why he’s your ex.

LuaDipa · 18/08/2020 18:35

Just ignore him.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with showing emotion. I cry at absolutely everything. It’s become a running joke in our house now when the kids go off on trips etc. I cry when I go anywhere too! They are fully aware that I do want them to go off and have fun but they know that I will miss them. They also know that I would drop anything for them if they need me. It’s better than not caring.

imissthesouth · 18/08/2020 18:37

It's totally fine to cry and show emotion in front of your children, in fact i'd encourage it, it'll help them feel comfortable expressing their own emotions instead of bottling things up or hiding them. I'd of probably cried in that situation too OP.

ConkerGame · 18/08/2020 18:43

OP don’t reply. He’s a dick.

My parents are still together and my mum used to get teary when I went on a school trip or went to stay with my grandparents for the week. It’s just human nature for people who are a bit more emotional. It never affected my trip and showed me how much my mum loved me and cared. Just don’t make a big deal of it.

eeyore228 · 18/08/2020 18:48

I would say you handled perfectly well. My DH used to pick up his kids and his ex would cry and wail and tell them how much she would miss them by the time we eventually got them in the car they didn’t want to leave her and the whole time was miserable. You have done the exact opposite, they’ve seen you care! Sounds like he’s being a bit of a div!!!

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/08/2020 18:49

@ConkerGame if your parents are still together then it's hardly a comparable situation is it? Firstly because you didnt have divided loyalties and secondly because your mum presumably wasnt home alone all week.

Throughabushbackwards · 18/08/2020 18:49

My Mum and Dad both tear up when they say goodbye to me and we know we won't see each other for a while. It's perfectly normal. Sounds like your ex believes everything is about him rather than it simply being a normal, caring emotional response.

Autumnsloth · 18/08/2020 18:50

Stupid man. If it's a few tears and not sobbing hysterically I'd say it's totally normal. At that age they're old enough to understand that you'll miss them but that you're happy for them to go away on holiday. As long as you're nothing but positive about their spending time away from you when you talk to them before and after holiday, bit of emotion is normal.

MadameButterface · 18/08/2020 18:52

@YgritteSnow

I never fail to be surprised by how certain posters seem to have an almost pathological need to put the boot in as hard as possible to already distressed posters. And it's the same poster(s) over and over again. Really makes me shake me head when I read the posts.

It's fine OP. He's clearly angry about the child support payment. My ex is a right cunt but even he would say "hey, you know I will take care of them, don't worry!" My kids would probably laugh at me but not in a sneery way, more in an affectionate "oh you're so silly Mum!"

He's just ascribing they worst possible motive to your emotions, as unpleasant, negative people tend to do. There's a few of them on this thread.

Came here to say precisely this, it’s the same names every time.

Only on mn can a man cheat on his wife then pay £56 total cm In 7 years, then send her a horrible cunty message when he knows she’s upset and missing her dc, and still she’s the one BU Hmm no wonder people post annoying reverses all the time, can you imagine a post like ‘aibu to send this text to xh for crying at drop off today’ with the same set of circumstances?

Op just ignore him, he sounds like he is a spiteful twat. No doubt if you’d been all smiles he would have texted something like ‘couldn’t wait to be rid of them could you you lazy cow’ from the sound of him. Try to enjoy this little bit of downtime, find some nonsense to watch on netflix and order yourself some takeaway (my kids won’t eat curry so i love to order it in when they’re with their dad).

ClementineWoolysocks · 18/08/2020 18:53

Good god OP don't you know that the only emotion that's allowed is happiness? Choose happy, be joyful at all times, it's the only way not to damage your children.
FFS people, a few tears aren't going to ruin anything.

audweb · 18/08/2020 18:58

I’m all for sharing emotions with your children, I’ve cried in front of mine when sad or tired. However, I side with your ex. I think it’s ok to say you’ll miss your child, but I really feel it’s important for them to feel like it’s ok and normal to go in between parents after separation, rather than it being a hugely emotional affair. And I know, because I also share custody with my ex. Who is an arse. My worry would be that by crying, they would internalise WHY you are crying, and be less likely to want to see their dad, which is unfair. If they were feeling nervous about being away from you for longer, reassurance would be fine, but crying may stress them out. There’s room for sharing our emotions with children, of course there is; but the context is hugely important, as is the impact on them.