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Original poster

To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

158 replies

flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 15:44

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

OP posts:
welcometohell · 18/08/2020 16:15

It's fine for parents to show emotions in their child's presence. The important thing is that they model healthy ways to cope with those emotions. Ok, so the OP got a bit tearful because she has never been apart from her kids for this long. That's fine because she followed it up by reassuring them that she would be fine and that it was nothing to worry about and then waved them off without dragging the goodbye out unnecessarily. If she'd been sobbing uncontrollably, physically clinging onto them until the last possible moment and verbalising that she was really upset and didn't want them to go then clearly that would be unacceptable and her ex would have a good point. But assuming the OP's version of events is correct, she showed her DC that sometimes goodbyes are hard, but that's ok and you can be a bit sad without it getting in the way of what you need to do. I don't see a problem with that.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/08/2020 16:22

He sounds like a cunt, you're well rid OP. I'm sure the kids will be absolutely fine, they will have forgotten about it after 5 minutes

BurtsBeesKnees · 18/08/2020 16:24

Oh just ignore him op and don't bother responding, he's being a twat.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/08/2020 16:25

Sometimes our emotions just get the better of us. I've always been an 'easy cryer' when I get angry and try as I might I haven't been able to change that. I know 'anger' wasn't your situation but it's still not being able to control an emotion.

You handled it just right. You told them it was 'you, not them' and you said you were being silly which should have communicated to them that it was just fine for them to be going with their dad and that you would be ok.

Personally, I wouldn't respond to him. What would the point be? Do you think he'd end up saying "Oh alright then. Sorry"? I doubt it.

TheClitterati · 18/08/2020 16:25

Just ignore the bitter X OP. He's being a dork

Your kids will be fine. If they ask I think its perfectly ok to say how you were feeling and you are fine now, have a lovely time etc.

Witchend · 18/08/2020 16:26

I see both sides.
If I cry, I can find it hard to hold it in. I can understand it being upsetting not to see them for 12 days.

But from the ex-h side, either the OP was a heck of lost more obvious or the children were upset by it, because from the description he didn't get out of the car, so it sounds likely to have been more than just a tear or two.

And if I was in that situation, I think the dc would blame dh, and be very vocally saying that, so it's not necessarily him being mean, he may feel that it will have cast a damper over the holiday.
I can remember on a couple of occasions going to something that dm had made clear she wasn't really in favour (out with friends, not my df) and it did really spoil it. I felt guilty if I enjoyed any part of it, and there wasn't anything personal in it.

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/08/2020 16:27

Depends on your kids. For my youngest, he would definitely be worried about me crying and it would make him feel guilty about going. And I dont think children need to be privy to every emotion, esp children whose parents have split and who are burdened with enough already.

Fanthorpe · 18/08/2020 16:31

Please can all those people who can ‘control themselves’ please tell me how? I’m desperate to know! I don’t cry very often but sometimes it’s really inconvenient and embarrassing.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 18/08/2020 16:31

Your not a robot, it’s not going to hugely damage your kids to know that you love them and will miss them. I suspect your Ex is bitter and a bit jealous of your bond with the kids. Best just don’t reply to his text and leave him to look like a twat.

frazzledasarock · 18/08/2020 16:32

How on earth is being a bit teary eyes when your 10 and 12 year old go off on holiday without you for an extended period of time for the first time, 'not a normal reaction'. It's very normal, it would be fine if she didn't cry and it's normal she did cry.

Some folk are so odd. The woman was not bawling hysterical and beating her breast. She was a bit teary, as a lot of parents would be when waving their kids off.

OP, don't give it any more thought, they'll be fine. Do something for yourself whilst you have the child free time.

HatefulWitchFace · 18/08/2020 16:34

Of course YANBU. Just nod and smile and praise God you are no longer in a relationship with this absolutely twunt.

Enjoy your child free time too if you can!

Arthersleep · 18/08/2020 16:35

There's a reason by that arsehole is your ex!
Will he chastise the kids for ruining his holiday if they cry because they are missing you?! What a shitty text! What he should have texted is, "don't worry about the kids. I'll take good care of them and make sure that they ring you!

Fanthorpe · 18/08/2020 16:36

In your shoes OP I’d feel very sad to see my children going off for a holiday without me. Hope you have some nice things planned.

If he was a decent man he’d say he was sorry to see you were upset and he’d made sure the children were fine, not to worry about anything. You’re both human beings with feelings, being kind should be a default.

I’d suggest it’s his guilty conscience.

TheWernethWife · 18/08/2020 16:41

Ignore the miserable twat.

Bluntness100 · 18/08/2020 16:44

Op, was he taking a partner with him on holiday? Was she the other woman?

dwiz8 · 18/08/2020 16:45

@Fanthorpe

Please can all those people who can ‘control themselves’ please tell me how? I’m desperate to know! I don’t cry very often but sometimes it’s really inconvenient and embarrassing.
It's quite simple, you keep it together for your kids

It's not nice walking away from an upset parent and children do feel bad about it.

iklboo · 18/08/2020 16:49

And that's why he's an ex. Don't worry, you haven't ruined their holidays.

Sunrise234 · 18/08/2020 16:52

I'd give them a text and say sorry you were emotional earlier you don't know what came over you it felt like you were dropping them off on their first day of school again or something and try and make a joke out of it. If you're not a jokey family then blame lack of sleep or something.

And then say you hope they all have a great time and there's no need to text you unless they need something.

WhoWants2Know · 18/08/2020 16:54

If you never cry in front of your children, how will they understand that crying is a fine, healthy, normal thing to do when you feel a bit sad?

You were sad, you cried, then you felt better for it. It's a fine thing for your kids to learn.

Sunrise234 · 18/08/2020 16:55

I can also see it from both POV.

You - you're emotional they're going away, maybe a bit worried about them too and the tears just came out without you wanting them too.

Him - you're doing this to make the kids feel guilty and ruin their holiday. I know someone who would do this until the holiday was cancelled or the kids refused to go.

Without knowing you personally it's impossible to tell which is which although I expect it's the first for you to post a thread, but the most important part now is making sure the kids have a great time.

supersonicginandtonic · 18/08/2020 16:55

It is a bit silly really. It's not as if it's a recent thing, them going to see their dad. You've been seperated a significant amount of time.
I love my older two children going to their dads and think it's amazing that they make memories with him as well as me. After all, we both have the same parental responsibilities.

WoodenKitty · 18/08/2020 16:56

Your ex is a knob. I’d not reply.

You’ve not ruined the kids holiday either.

However I do think that sometimes you’ve gotta squash the tears down so as not to put adult problems into young shoulders. Your kids probably feel some turn loyalty between you and your ex and for their sage I think you should have held it together better so that they could go off without any trace of worry.

Angelina82 · 18/08/2020 16:56

Do your kids have phones at all OP? If so and you are indeed worried about spoiling their holiday, you could always text them with a jokey message about how lovely and peaceful it is without them around and how you are off out at the weekend to take advantage of your freedom.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 18/08/2020 16:57

Sitting in the car with a face like thunder is more likely to ruin their holiday I’d have thought!

Original poster
flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 16:57

Glad I'm not the only one who can't control when I cry! I was kicking myself but there was no stopping it. Ex has no partner that I'm aware of and his extended family will be with them - he only takes the dc away when his dm organises and pays for it.

Witchend It really was just a few tears. I doubt he heard what I said but he will have seen me wiping my eyes, including when the dc had got in the car and weren't looking my way and he continued to stare. I suppose not hearing what I said he may be assuming I said something more emotional/negative but he has no reason to think that as I've never stood in the way of him seeing the dc and even did my best to help him build a better relationship with one of them when they were reluctant to go to his a few years ago - all resolved fully now.

OP posts: