To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

[flythewindmill]

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

Don't bother replying to the knobjockey, he is your ex and you don't have to explain anything to him. Funny how is so worried and concerned about his DC's well being and yet hasn't paid anything towards their keep for several years, the fucking hypocrite.

I don’t think yabu but I wouldn’t cry in front of my dc if I could help it. They should be looking forward to their holiday not feeling guilty about you being left behind. However, I’m not a crier on any level, my mil is and I find it quite manipulative behaviour at times but do understand some people just can’t help it. Enjoy your free time and find something lovely to do, just for yourself.

I'm lying about the CM - forgot I got £16 last year after they took him to court. He then paid no more and i believe they have threatened him with confiscation of passport and/or driving licence, resulting in my receiving the princely sum of £40 last month.

I'm pretty sure the kids won't dwell on it. Tbh, they weren't really looking forward to the holiday as they say they don't do much when away with ex and his family and I've spend the last week or so talking it up to them and discussing ways they can ensure they enjoy it and making suggestions of what they could do. Obviously ex won't know that, but the kids know I have in no way tried to put them off from going or made them feel bad about it.

I welled ho when I sent my ds on school residential.

So did a lot of parents!

And then when they returned so did the teachers as we presented them with a hamper full of hot choc sachets, cup cakes, alcohol etc and they handed the kids back.

But I'm not sure that was because they were going to miss the kids

omg OP I'm exactly the same! everyone in my family knows I'm emotional though, I cry at everything lol. I tell my bubs I miss them even when they've been gone only for a few hours. if it helps, my mum was exactly the same. you should of seen her when I went to America for 2 weeks with my grandparents. rest assured, no lasting damage - I still had a great time and it was reassuring actually in a weird way to know my mum would miss me so much. much rather that then a parent who couldn't wait to get rid of me!

@tenlittlecygnets

One thing is he's finally made his first CM payment last month so maybe he's pissed off about that.

After being divorced for seven years? What a giant bellend. He sounds like a prize twat.

Yeah, he is projecting his bitterness. Ignore him.

I never fail to be surprised by how certain posters seem to have an almost pathological need to put the boot in as hard as possible to already distressed posters. And it's the same poster(s) over and over again. Really makes me shake me head when I read the posts.

It's fine OP. He's clearly angry about the child support payment. My ex is a right cunt but even he would say "hey, you know I will take care of them, don't worry!" My kids would probably laugh at me but not in a sneery way, more in an affectionate "oh you're so silly Mum!"

He's just ascribing they worst possible motive to your emotions, as unpleasant, negative people tend to do. There's a few of them on this thread.

I hope you ignored him

I don’t think it’s damaging in anyway for children of that kind of age to know sometimes things make you cry . Best way of getting upset out and moving on that I’ve ever found .

Your ex is being a twat. It's not like you threw yourself to the ground, wailing 'don't go'! Most mums would tear up and most would do exactly what you did: play it down and say they were being silly.

Don't reply to your ex - he's doesn't deserve your time or energy.

Your ex is a twat so dont reply.
However, at 10 and 12 you can be honest about your feelings " I'm going to miss you so much but its going to be so exciting for you and you will have a great time !"
They are not babies and hopefully will understand this , and you shouldn't dismiss your feelings as " mummy is being silly "
My 6 year old went on hol for a week last week with his dad and I said I'm sad to be without him but hes going to have a wonderful time etc etc
Every day on our face time we were both happy and asked what the other was doing . It was hell without him though and I worried myself sick but I kept super busy

It's very healthy to show children that emotions like crying are normal! Stilling your emotions is way more damaging.

BUT, they are old enough now for you to explain to them why you're crying, if you are going to show your emotions you need honesty to go alongside it.

Op, if you'd shown no emotion at all you would probably have been accused of ruining the holiday!

Will they be contacting you at all?

I know everyone's trying to make you feel better but honestly no one can tell you if you're ruined the holiday apart from your children themsleves

Your ex is being a knob by sending the text but that doesn't automatically mean the children aren't upset about it. A good parent wouldn't mention it to the children unless they were clearly upset and then he should sort it out not send you stupid messages.

Bloody he'll op well done for leaving the nasty little bastard! I hope you have a nice child free time , you have in no way ruined their holiday , I get teary when my kids go for a weekend 12 days is a big deal (my oldest is 11 I've never been away from him for that long ) it's normal to be a bit teary it's a good lesson to your kids that it's ok to express your emotions x

I have no control of tears. It’s not that easy for some of us . I cry at applause fgs!

He actually sounds like my ex who is a ridiculous alpha Male "strap on a pair" type. When we were together and he had me in tears many time in front of the children, it's me who would be labelled the bad parent for crying, not him who'd called me a bad mother or fucking idiot in front of them

I think it's more worrying if you weren't going to miss them and they didn't think or know you'd miss them.

You can simultaneously miss someone and want them to have a good time

Sorry OP but I think it will have made the children worried for you and that's not fair.

I don’t thinking will ruin their holiday but it depends how it was done. There’s ‘poor me’ crying and then there is ‘I’m going to miss you soooo much but male sure you have a wonderful time’ crying.

My Mum ALWAYS cries. It drives me nuts but she can’t help it and I don’t mind really.

Well you can't help being emotional in the moment, if that's what you feel.

But maybe you could work on being less upset by it in general, whether for them or you. My daughter's been going away for 16 days at once every summer with my ex since she was 5, and I don't start sobbing when she leaves.

He's an ex for a reason then, isn't he? What a twat.

There’s a massive difference (especially at 10 and 12) between wiping away a tear and sobbing enough to get them upset on your behalf. My DC go away for long periods with their dad and I say beforehand “I WILL miss you and you WILL miss me but that’s fine and normal and shows we love each other. And it doesn’t stop us having fun while we’re apart either. It’s ok to miss someone and have a great time away from them, and I know you will. We don’t get ourselves upset about it though!”

He was really heartless, thank goodness you are no longer with him!!!

You can't help it, it is almost impossible to not cry when it wells up like that. We all been there before in our lives. Sometimes it can catch you out, as you feel you are controlling your emotions then bang your throat turns into a solid lump.

I hope you have some lovely things arranged, you will miss them but try and make the most of your child free time. Sleep, see friends, watch adult films, sort out the house etc. Use the time well. They will have a great time, but will be so happy to see you after so long, so maybe organise a little surprise for them - a welcome party or similar with party food, and relax. They are in safe hands, they are old enough to go. You will see them soon.

I don't think YABU as such, OP, but I do think it's possible to put a brave face on all kinds of things, and it can be a good idea not to lumber children with our own distress (especially if they are already potentially distressed themselves).

When I dropped DC1 off at boarding school, I cried most of the way home. Before I left him, though, I was all smiley and told him how great his room was, how nice his housemaster was (true), gave him a quick hug and said a breezy "bye then, see you in three weeks".

It was already a big deal for him (he was weepy himself), and it would have been an even bigger deal if I'd been sobbing too.

Definitely do not reply, his nasty message is not worthy of any kind of response.