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Original poster

To think I've not ruined the dc's holiday by crying in front of them?

158 replies

flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 15:44

I've been divorced for 7 years and the dc, 10 and 12, have gone with their dad on holiday for 12 days. It's the longest they've ever been away from me and they've only gone for more than 4 days at a time (a week) twice in that 7 years. It's quite a big deal for me but I obviously haven't told them that. I had to drop them off this morning and couldn't help crying - I really tried but I was teary when saying goodbye. I wasn't sobbing or anything but there were tears. Dc asked what was wrong and I said 'I'm just being silly, don't worry, I'm fine,' gave them a hug and stayed to wave them off.

Ex had been sat in his car watching with a face like thunder. I've just received this text from him: 'Can't believe how you carried on this morning. Why do you want to ruin the kids holiday and make them feel sorry for you? You're bitter but stop trying to wreck their fun and time with me.'

I did feel really bad but about crying but I literally couldn't help it but I'm not sure it's fair to say it's ruined their holiday? Had a message from one of them who seems fine anyway and didn't mention the crying. Don't know how to reply to him and whether to bother or apologise.

OP posts:
thirdfiddle · 18/08/2020 16:57

When tears come tears come. Lucky you if you can prevent it. I can't. Cried at work a couple of times, so embarrassing, I'd have done anything not to but it can't be helped and people do understand.

OP did her best not to and handled it absolutely right being matter of fact and telling them she was fine. She didn't carry on or fuss.

I'd just go with a cheery - "natural reaction, can't be helped. Don't worry, I told them I was just being silly and I'm sure they'll have a fab holiday." Unless relations are such that silence is best answer.

formerbabe · 18/08/2020 17:01

I was a very empathetic child...this would have massively upset me and I'd have felt incredibly guilty about the parent who was crying.

uglyface · 18/08/2020 17:02

I’m really sorry that you felt like this OP, and that your ex was an arse about it, but having been the child in this situation it would have been best for you to try your hardest to hold it in. Maybe it’s an extreme example, but my mum always made a big deal of how sad and lonely she’d be when we went on holiday with our dad and stepmum, and it completely ruined holidays for us.

However, she is a very clingy and needy person who still hasn’t got over the affair/divorce 29 years on - I’m sure you’re more balanced than that!

Limeavocado · 18/08/2020 17:04

My mum did this when I was a young teen (my brother a few years younger) after my parents' break up. It was horrid and would leave us heavy with guilt. It's only as a mother that I realise how important it is not to laden my kids with emotional burdens that aren't their responsibility. I'm sorry to say it but I think self control and being strong is everything when it comes to protecting children from this type of stress as it can stay with them for a long time. It did with me and my brother. You obviously need to move on from it now but maybe psych yourself up to be stronger for the children next time.

Original poster
flythewindmill · 18/08/2020 17:05

I don't think I'll reply - I think if he's spoiling for a fight he'll pick on whatever I say and I don't want to end up more upset.

DC know they don't need to be in touch with me or anything. They also know I'm a crier - films, books - the number of times bedtime reading has been interrupted by me needing a moment and they are 'she's off again.' Hmm.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 18/08/2020 17:08

Oh he can piss off. Yes I'd ignore the text too op.
You're a lovely caring person with a heart. Unlike him who probably just has a swinging brick in his chest cavity.
I hope you enjoy some lovely time to yourself

lovelifehope · 18/08/2020 17:11

All you’ve done is shown your love for your kids by being a bit tearful.Why that should bother him is beyond me. Don’t feel one bit guilty op. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Staffy1 · 18/08/2020 17:12

He sounds charming. Ridiculous to say you ruined their holiday, of course that's not the case.

madcatladyforever · 18/08/2020 17:13

What a knobend, is he always this combative? No wonder he's your ex.

madcatladyforever · 18/08/2020 17:14

P.S I always used to cry when my son went to stay with my parents abroad in the holidays. They didn't have a fit about it.

ancientgran · 18/08/2020 17:14

I've got 4 grown up kids. I cried all the way home when I dropped each of them at uni, not just the first time but every term. I cry now when they leave after a visit. They just know it is me, I hold it together in public but they knew it was coming when I said good bye in the car, the main issue was they did worry about me driving but I wasn't hysterically sobbing just sniffly and teary. Some people seem to be able to control crying much more than others.

Enjoy your 12 days, don't waste them.

Emeraldshamrock · 18/08/2020 17:15

Your emotions or moments with your DC are none of his business and vice versa.
Ignore him.
The DC would know you'll miss them tears or not. X
Enjoy all of your break I'm jealous xx

LadyofTheManners · 18/08/2020 17:15

He's clearly your ex for a reason
I wouldn't have allowed him to speak to me like that even on text, I would've responded that as he has barely fucking bothered with his children for ages and you've parented solo, you are used to being solely responsible for them, so that says more on him being an absentee, non paying knobend than you crying.
Tell him to go fuck himself
Men like this make me so angry, they drop their kids and then pick them up again when they can be arsed and leave the mum to just get on with it.
Large glass of something alcoholic and a nice take away for you my love.

Sparrow234 · 18/08/2020 17:16

You should have just told your kids the truth. That you love them more than they can imagine and you’ll really miss them! That’s totally normal. Then you should have done as you did and reassured them that you’ll be fine and you’ll be relaxing in the peace and quiet and you hope they’ll have a great time with dad .... laugh it off that mums are emotional.
You haven’t ruined their holiday don’t worry. Your ex is being a bit of prick but he probably sent it in the heat of the moment. Perhaps it gave him mixed feelings - excited to see his kids but seeing you upset may have made him feel guilty too and he just got cross. He probably also feels threatened that they’re closer to you, now won’t enjoy his holiday, will miss you and worry about you etc etc. It’s all just a bit emotionally charged eh...
Send a message back saying sorry for the tears, it wasn’t intentional and you’re just going to miss them and you’re out of practice with leaving for them a long time, then wish them a great holiday.
Don’t reply any more after that.

Greenfinger555 · 18/08/2020 17:19

Ignore him. Don't text back. Kids are allowed to see some of their parent's emotions- it's natural. They will know you love them and will miss them. Don't allow your ex or some other posters to make you feel even worse than you do already. This is nothing to feel bad about. Go and do something to make you feel good. Chin up

Wecandothis99 · 18/08/2020 17:21

He's just jealous because they've obvs mentioned it to him as they're worried about you, which is really sweet and he obviously doesn't want them to care so much for you as he's basically a prick!

StopGo · 18/08/2020 17:25

I'm renowned in my family for 'leaky eyes' when saying goodbye or similar. DC just roll their eyes and say "mum's off!!!"

Now go and enjoy your break. They will be enjoying themselves.

JaggySplinter · 18/08/2020 17:26

You can't win with some people. If I don't express emotion then my ex says I'm.cold and unwelcoming and that upsets the DC to see me being cold around him.

If I did do lots of hugs and kisses and "miss you so much" dramatics then I'd be manipulation them and making miss me.

If I cried because I'd miss them, he'd hit the roof.

I think any of those options are fine and so is talking to your children about expressing your emotions, situations where you should try to control them, and that sometimes you can't control strong emotions even when you want to.

Spandang · 18/08/2020 17:28

I think it’s fine to be honest about your emotions and kids need to know that people laugh and cry and that’s part of life, not shameful. My youngest DSS fears adults crying because he associates it with being told off. Which makes me very sad and I want him to recognise it for what it is, not that it’s a problem with him.

But I also have older DSS who witnesses his mum being very upset, often, and it’s awful. Every time she is upset he is miserable, won’t eat, won’t enjoy himself because he feels guilty, won’t sleep, his mind just whirrs.

I wish more than anything I could take that away from him, because at that age it’s just not right for a kid to worry about it and it is excruciating to pick up the pieces without being incredibly hacked off at the other adult.

So I’m torn. You know your kids, are they likely to overthink it and be upset? If they are maybe address it now. If they won’t think about it twice just leave it alone.

However, I don’t think their Dad needed to say anything to you, just to the kids to cajole them along. Sticking the knife in afterwards is just mean.

5foot5 · 18/08/2020 17:30

I don't think I'll reply - I think if he's spoiling for a fight he'll pick on whatever I say and I don't want to end up more upset.

I think it might be worth one reply along the lines of "Don't be a total knob. Me being a bit teary won't ruin their holiday unless YOU make a big thing of it. Grow up. And enjoy your holiday"

Then ignore him.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 18/08/2020 17:30

You’ve been divorced 7 years and he’s just made his first ever CM payment?! You owe him nothing, @flythewindmill, especially a reply to a dick text like that.
Hope he practises what he preaches & doesn’t allow his mood to spoil the holiday!

tenlittlecygnets · 18/08/2020 17:31

One thing is he's finally made his first CM payment last month so maybe he's pissed off about that.

After being divorced for seven years? What a giant bellend. He sounds like a prize twat.

PrincessBuggerPants · 18/08/2020 17:32

Fuck him.

How dare he glare at you and demand you perform a certain way for him.

You are divorced from him (it sounds like with good reason) and he doesn't get to control you.

TeamLannister · 18/08/2020 17:32

ignore him, he's an arse.

Toiletrollbuyer · 18/08/2020 17:33

I have 2 DSD age 11 and 14, the last 3 times we have been away together their mum has called them in tears after 2 days saying how much she misses them and how she wishes they weren’t away with us. This always ends up in crying and then the DSD asking us to take them home because they feel guilty. It’s a tough one for us as we don’t know whether to say no and try and distract them with fun activities, or take them home to their mum.
OP it sounds like you held it together as best you could and it’s perfectly natural to feel upset, just maybe make sure you tell them to have a great time when you speak to them on the phone. There is no excuse for your ex to speak to you like that though, maybe a text saying ‘I hope you are ok, don’t worry, kids will have a great time and I’ll make sure they text you’ would have been more appropriate Hmm