AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

I think the children being bereaved has EVERYTHING to do with it.

@Friendsoftheearth nope sorry I’m not having that. My pil have treated and continue to treat my dc like shit while all other gc are treated well. That’s about them not me, not my DH and not his PP.

This thread has really opened my eyes to how widespread the issue of crap gps is. I always felt deep down it was something I’d said or done but the experiences others have shared show me it’s not the case. People are sometimes just dicks and we can exclude them from our lives, we don’t owe them anything

@Friendsoftheearth

I think the children being bereaved has EVERYTHING to do with it.

Me too.

From the fact the OP seems to dismiss it so easily and it’s all about her DC is an indication as to why the PIL might have behaved the way they did.

There doesn’t seem to be much of a relationship now with the older children so it would be interesting to hear their version of events and growing up. If anything like mine, I suspect it’s very different than that of the adults.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss again I don’t see how the loss of dss parent gives my pil the right to treat our dc so badly. I really genuinely don’t.

The reason the relationship with dss isn’t good now is because my dh got sick of being used as a cash machine. He was brought up to believe if you didn’t attend education then you got a job. Sadly despite our best efforts dss didn’t agree. DH decided when they were no longer welcome under our roof not me.

I totally appreciate a child’s view and an adults will differ but we never had any blazing rows or any your not my mam nonsense. Perfect no but happy yes I think mostly we were.

Op what about your step sons maternal gp? Did they take interest?

Coffee, my situation was slightly more complicated in that it was sil who arrived laden with gifts and my little girl asked if one was for her. She bluntly said '' no ''. Then gp apparently, without us hearing told a 5 year old to share a book they gave older dd!! Poor little dd kept saying 'I can't read'.
I was furious. Utterly furious.
These people are very well off.
Initially I did say to older dd, how would you feel if it was you not given anything, but asked instead to '' share '' a toy for a 5 year old? But then I felt awful being put in that position. It's not older dds fault. Pils had got small gifts for younger dd.

The whole thing was just miserable. And to top it all, as if preaching to us... Fil praised sil for using recycled wrapping paper for their gifts. Ie and not saving the planet praise but... Saving money praise. She certainly saved her very wealthy self from spending a few pennies on my dd.

@MrsOldma

Happynow001 my dh said I’m going to see my mum, you coming? And without thinking I said uh why? Because we don’t do “for the sake of it” visits there is always a reason and I wanted to know why. That’s when he said I don’t care.

And maybe I don’t make an effort, any more. For years I would sit on the sidelines at visits, trying to get involved but being mostly ignored. So I don’t put myself there anymore unless I have to i.e Xmas

Why should you bother? I wouldnt

Op, gp are just people and people all around us are crap and rubbish and some are OK and some are wondeful every day. Some of this rainbow of humanity have dc and become gp.

GP can be awful which is why I hope it never becomes law that they can see them.

@Swelteringmeltering no gps on dss maternal side no close relatives at all really. A few distant ones who’d pop in occasionally. I didn’t mean to drip feed I really don’t see how my pil behaviour is relative to my dss loss. And if it is it’s not a valid reason.

Maybe as a previous poster said my Pil don’t like me. Fine. But again does that okay what they’ve done?

Your poor DD she must have been so confused and hurt.

@Nanny0gg I’m trying really hard not to bother. It’s just difficult to have had the going on for years and every now and then I get so pissed off about it

@Swelteringmeltering a horrible thought!

[quote MrsOldma]@IceCreamAndCandyfloss again I don’t see how the loss of dss parent gives my pil the right to treat our dc so badly. I really genuinely don’t.

The reason the relationship with dss isn’t good now is because my dh got sick of being used as a cash machine. He was brought up to believe if you didn’t attend education then you got a job. Sadly despite our best efforts dss didn’t agree. DH decided when they were no longer welcome under our roof not me.

I totally appreciate a child’s view and an adults will differ but we never had any blazing rows or any your not my mam nonsense. Perfect no but happy yes I think mostly we were.[/quote]
I felt for the step children before that post and now even more so. Being a parent means financially supporting your children.

I presume you’re going to be happy when he does the same thing and stops all support and makes your children move out given you expect equal treatment?

I hate to tell you this OP but it doesnt just stop at your kids.

DP has a sister who is the golden child she is about 8 years older than DP.

Sister has kids - golden grand kids. Our DS was largely ignored, treated the same money wise with gifts but time wise, he hardly saw them and they couldnt be bothered.

Dp and I had a surprise baby when we were 40, a girl, no other babies around, Sisters kids were now adults. Just before DD was born, Golden Grandchild announced she was pregnant and gave birth the next day (long story, dont ask) we were all dragged to the hospital to see the baby.

DD was born 4 weeks later, none of the fuckers came to the hospital to see her. DP had to beg his mum to come and see DS when he was born all those years ago, i wouldnt let him beg again so they didnt see DD till she was about 2 weeks old.

And now DD is ignored in favour of Golden Great Grandchild. Infact both Golden Grandkids have had more kids so poor DD is pushed further down the pecking order.

My DS became a father, his DD is 1, my grand daughter is beautiful so another Great Grandaughter for DP's parents. No, they couldnt give a shit about her either. At her first birthday party they were "on their way" and never turned up. Didnt answer mobiles.

I do not have a good relationship with them due to all this and when i saw them a couple of days after the party incident i totally blanked them, they were bloody luck as i was so close to giving them what fucking for.

With a bit of luck they will be dead soon (mid 70's now) so my grand daughter will never know how unloved by them fuckers she is.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss financial support is a parents job but so is preparing them for the real world. Our dc seem to have different mindsets to my dss, one has a part time job already and is saving for uni the other is extremely jealous he’s too little for a job like his brother so makes money doing odd jobs for us and family.

You can try and bait me all you like I won’t bite. I’m not a bad SM

@LemmysAceCard that’s awful! What you said about their time is exactly what I mean too! Like I wouldn’t be so bothered by shitty gifts if they invested their time in dc but they dont!

It’s really sad you feel that way and that your family have been treated that way.

DH decided when they were no longer welcome under our roof not me

So not only have they lost their mother, they were made homeless by your dh. Poor poor kids. Jesus christ and you are talking about your children's birthday presents and a lack of thought etc?!

This is dysfunction of the highest order.

Where are your step children now?

This is definitely NOT the happy picture you have been painting to now.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss nobody was made homeless. My DH made it clear that he wasn’t going to tolerate them hanging about the house playing xbox etc instead of studying or earning. One Dss lives with his partner, one dss lives in a flat on his own. Both now have jobs and are making their own way in the world.

These are relatively recent changes. This thread started about how my dc have been treated since birth.

Great advice and experiences shared here

I appreciate why you raised the issue as its not the situation you want or being done in the way you yourself would do it

We also have a SIL who basically couldn't give a f"ck about our children her only nephews yet would travel halve way across the world at the drop of a hat to creep up to a v wealthy older relative.

As someone said one of the best lessons we can teach are children is to invest their efforts into those people and things which bring them rewards and joy.

Finally I do think you are enormously LUCKY to have your own close extended family many have rubbish family on both sides and far worse circumstances. Also all my grandparents were dead by the time I was 12 and it just is what it is. I had a friend whose parents were 17 when they had her and her father died when she was only 19.

I know in the majority of cases families are wonderful but i think their is a significant proportion where this is not the case. You don't hear people talk about it because people are embarrassed and would sooner not draw attention to the fact

I have had a very tough life and my children will be indirectly impacted by that but i am really strongly against ever going down the poor me route as i think that bring worse consequences than the actual set of circumstances that you fall victim to.

@cheshirecat777 thank you for sharing I’m sorry you have been treated this way by your family.

You’re right about not wanting to draw attention to shitty family I think it goes back to our preconceptions about how family “should” be.

Also your point about avoiding poor me mentalities is so right!!! I think that’s a big part of why as my dss got older they felt the world owed them something and weren’t happy to study or work. Lots of people are bereaved and go on to be productive happy members of society and that’s what we wanted for them.

Well this is a massive drip feed isn’t it? Why didn’t you tell us in your OP that your step kids lot their mother at a young age? It’s hugely relevant IMO.

Also a good step mother would have fought their corner when their waste of space father was making them feel unwelcome in their own home for the heinous crime of playing on an Xbox and being a bit lazy. But all you seem to be bothered about is your kids being slighted by their GPs.

Pretty disgraceful IMO.

Does his other children’s mum make an effort with your mil?

I know that my ex sis in law is always so angry that my mum spends more time with my children , she says they are her favourites but we involve her in birthdays, Christmas, and days out whereas they don’t and they expect her to be their when they shout! It doesn’t work like that. . They used to send the children into my mum on Christmas Day for their presents and neither her or my brother would visit!

My mum treats all the grand children exactly the same.

She just isn’t asked to be involved in their lives and she isn’t one to force herself into a situation,

@Rhine I didn’t mean to drip feed as I’ve said many times I don’t see how the family loss should impact my dc treatment by their gps.

It was more than being a bit lazy, I think you know that’s an over simplification.

This thread was supposed to be about poor gps through my dc childhood not about my current family set up. I was looking for advice and shared experiences and I found them

I missed the last page of replies before answering, not sure how I didn’t see the part about them having lost their mum,

@2pinkginsplease my dss mum has died.

I totally understand what you mean about actually inviting people not just assuming they’ll attend. We tried all that but gps would only put in a personal appearance for my dss.

It’s all about your kids though isn’t it? ‘Me, I, mine, my’ listen to yourself There is no concern for these kids who lost their mum at a young age.

Presumably their grandparents picked up on that and wanted to give them a bit of TLC. Like any decent grandparent would. How long after their mother died did their father get together with you, because that is also relevant.

And you said they sat around the house playing X box and not earning. Lazy and annoying yes, but unless they were stealing from you or trashing the place etc then it’s still incredibly shitty to force them out of their home. Bet he won’t do that to ‘your’ kids though will he?