AIBU to ask how you cope with totally disinterested in laws?

[MrsOldma]

NC for this. My in laws show zero interest in my two DS, it’s actually embarrassing. My DH and I have two DS together but he had 3 DS with previous partner and those 3 get sleepovers, thoughtful gifts etc mine do not. Now I really don’t care about gifts etc but I feel so sorry that my sons are so obviously treated differently.

They don’t seem to care, my DH isn’t bothered but sometimes I feel like screaming you have more grandchildren you freaks at them.

Anyone had similar? How do I make sure my two aren’t horribly scarred by this?

@Swelteringmeltering

Ok op, in that case then I would have dealt with it sooner and stopped it.

It's one thing something going on without knowledge to the left out ones, quite another when it's literally rubbed in their faces!!

Your dh should have stopped it years ago and said... Being for all, or nothing at all.

You have a dh issue.

I agree with this.

Your DH should have been insisting on equal treatment.

What is the relationship like between your DC and DSC?

@AllsortsofAwkward they were honestly so excited to be big brothers again! There was no obvious resentment, no poking of the soft spot nothing. And then the same reaction when DS2 was born

@MulticolourMophead I agree to a point but is really my dh fault that his parents are dicks? He says he did tell them off but they did nothing different. He was always quite apologetic/embarrassed when I challenged him on it back in the day. I’ve always felt a bit sorry for my DH because his family is just a bit shit.

My DS and DSS always got on well when we all loved together. There is a bit of an age gap and obviously as DSS have moved out they really don’t have much regular contact

He can't control them, no, but he can control access and his own house and dc.

Nothing to stop him saying, I can't do this, treat fairly or none at all.

Also you could have kicked up a fuss.
I did when sil came with one gift for one dc and zero for the other.
And I'm not putting either dc through that again.
Sounds like you have both for whatever reasons been very passive and allowed 2 boys be treated very adversely differently from the others.

Their shitness was then allowed to impact on your own dc

@Swelteringmeltering sorry if I’ve not been clear but it’s not that my children never got gifts it was that they didn’t get gifts delivered in person and they didn’t get thoughtful gifts.

What your sil did is outrageous! I guess I was a bit passive but it started out of shock if that makes sense. Then it just became the normal

Think you need to move on. Your kids are in their teens now. Ship has sailed. Also it isn't evil not to visit them at Xmas. They clearly don't care much for you, sadly.

Same here - PIL's haven't even asked about DS2 A level results which came out last Thursday. This is despite DH speaking to them numerous times on the phone. I despair 😩

@houseofhungryboys ugh I feel that!!! It’s not like they put effort in to being nasty or rude it’s just total indifference

I don't think I could begrudge the children special attention given their mother has died to be honest op, what a tremendously awful thing to happen to them, I expect they are trying to make up for the loss in the only way they knew how, and perhaps did not intentionally mean to upset anyone else.

Given what they have been through, I don't think I would care about the differences or mention it. Your children obviously haven't felt sad by it, and most children do not sit and compare each present, thought that has gone into it etc, and were probably too busy enjoying their birthdays to notice much of what you did.

Let it go op.

@Friendsoftheearth

I don't think I could begrudge the children special attention given their mother has died to be honest op, what a tremendously awful thing to happen to them, I expect they are trying to make up for the loss in the only way they knew how, and perhaps did not intentionally mean to upset anyone else.

Given what they have been through, I don't think I would care about the differences or mention it. Your children obviously haven't felt sad by it, and most children do not sit and compare each present, thought that has gone into it etc, and were probably too busy enjoying their birthdays to notice much of what you did.

Let it go op.

I think so too. Your children had both mum and dad, they suffered a parental bereavement and then gained a step parent and half siblings. Perhaps their grandparents felt the needed more from them.

You say they don’t have much regular contact with home now they have moved out which is sad and maybe they have a different view of life growing up. I know as an adult my view of childhood would vary greatly from that of the adults.

My children's grandad is vile. I sent him a beautiful message that my 2 year old recorded saying happy father's day grandad. He ignored. Doesn't ever message to see how they are. Makes excuses if ever we mention visits and hasnt been to visit at my home once. Simple solution blocked him. I used to be really offended, like how can he not love these little girls. Now I think your loss loser

@dollypops15 that’s awful I’m so sorry! Totally agree that as a mum you’re like why aren’t you worshipping these little creatures???

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss @Friendsoftheearth
I don’t think the children’s loss excuses shitty behaviour. It might be a reason but I don’t think it’s valid. It’s like our children were then punished for having two living parents?

I don’t grudge special attention but did it need to be at the expense of our boys? Maybe it did I don’t know as I haven’t been in that situation

Presumably yours had special treatment from their grandparents though. It’s not at all like they were being punished.

I’d feel very grateful they had close family in their lives as they grew up after they lost their mum. I’m not sure why anyone would begrudge children that.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I assume you mean special treatment from my dps towards our dc? I know it’s a cliche but my parents do actually treat all their gc equally!

Of course over the years there have been times when me and my siblings have asked for different levels of support with our own kids (Extra childcare, single parents siblings etc) but my parents make an equal fuss over them all.

Perhaps that’s another reason why over the years it’s irked that my in-laws can’t do that. Again I don’t grudge my dss the attention they received I just don’t understand why it has to be at the expense of my dc and not their cousins for example

Poor children to lose their mother so young, and then to have to contend with a new step parent, and then siblings that followed. If anyone is worthy of extra love support and presents, it is most definitely those children.

Your children have wanted for nothing, two parents, doting grandparents and a lifetime of love and attention. I don't know how you can even compare.

@Friendsoftheearth actually my children have missed out on having TWO sets of doting gps that’s kinda the point I was making.

I don't want to appear unsympathetic, it can't be easy seeing the favouritism, but at the same time I feel like you and your DC have a lot to be thankful for and better to focus on that.

Neither my DPs or PILs have taken interest in our DC, have never been involved in any aspect of their care, and both favour Dsis and SIL's DC respectively - visiting them lots, treating them and looking after them etc. We recently visited my parents and they mostly ignored my DC.

I felt really sad and angry for a while but is what it is, I can't change it, I can't change them. Also three out of four of my GPs were dead before I was born and my remaining one was quite unwell from when I was young so I certainly missed out on two sets of doting GPs myself and ultimately I don't feel like it's had much of an impact on me.

I think I can now see why there is a problem with your in laws mrsoldma

You are being very unreasonable on this thread, and it is all about you and your kids. You have barely acknowledged the terrible pain caused to your step children that have lost their mother! You just keep talking about the fact your children missing out on grandparents, It is not the same. They have lost their mother, the very worst thing that can happen to a child.
Your kids have two other grandparents, plus the two that are in your mind substandard.
Your posts are all about your kids and you, when in fact the focus should be on the children that have lost their mother. There is no comparison.
And to begrudge those children extra attention from their gps, whom clearly understand what the children have been through is very unkind.

Perhaps if you mentioned that the children's mother had died and their father busy with his new family and his job, then you might have had a very different response on here.

To add I am not sure they like you, they drop the presents at the door not to avoid the dc but to avoid you I suspect. I do the same thing often!

I agree with @Swelteringmeltering you should have been assertive at the start.
My dh over 60 years ago was given an expensive toy one Christmas and his db just money in an envelope. My very mild mannered fil went round to his parents home and threw the toy in the hallway and put the envelope on the table, told his dps if they didn't treat his dc the same they would not see any of them. Obviously my dh then a small boy was cross to lose his toy but he grew up v. protective of his db.

@Friendsoftheearth the children being bereaved was not relevant that’s why I didn’t mention it! My DH was not busy with his new family we were ONE family living all together and doing our best for everyone. My DSS went to grief counselling etc and were supported as best we could.

None of that excuses the shitty behaviour of my pil. Obviously I’m an evil SM who is hated by my pil thanks for pointing that out.

@Coffeecak3 good for your fil!!! I think in hindsight the slights to my children were so obvious that I was shocked and I thought I must be wrong. Then it just became how things were and I would have felt silly making a fuss after it had gone on so long.

Sacking off Xmas was my big brave move and I’m so glad I did that but wish I’d done more

@nanbread I’m so sorry your children have been treated that way and about your own gps.

Witnessing the unfair treatment of your DC is horrible especially when they’ve done nothing to warrant it.