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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 16/08/2020 22:01

What’s wrong with having upstairs windows open when it’s light, you are home and awake? I’m sure Brian would not allow it, but it sounds fine to me.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2020 22:01

Honestly I got distracted by your bed time routine, why do you need to go to bed at rhe same time and change your sheets at bedtime?

Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:03

Brian doesn't allow it, it's a bit of a long running joke in the family.

I'm not sure the problem with having them open either. DH can be a bit paranoid about security sometimes, but I think it was mostly just him being tired, I felt like he was looking for reasons to moan at me.

OP posts:
Gillian1980 · 16/08/2020 22:04

Sounds like he was already in a bad, irritable mood and overreacted.
Yeah it wasn’t great being sarcastic to him but he sounds like he was goading for a row.

Nicknacky · 16/08/2020 22:04

Why do you have to go to bed at the same time as h if he wants an early night?

Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:06

@bluntness100 I know, it was long. We don't need to change the sheets at bedtime, I'd just tidied the bedroom out of boredom this afternoon and washed the sheets to put back on.

We do have to go to bed at the same time though, no idea why, it does annoy me sometimes, I don't care if we do or not but it's something we've always done at DH's insistence.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:07

@nicknacky we've always just gone to bed at the same time at DH's insistence, I don't care much either way

OP posts:
Still1nLove · 16/08/2020 22:08

Did he want you to come to BED........;-)

Nicknacky · 16/08/2020 22:10

Don’t go to bed at 9 if it doesn’t suit you. Would I fuck go to bed that early unless I wanted to.

Oldbutstillgotit · 16/08/2020 22:11

I’ve never quite understood couples who have to go to bed at the same time every night . I have a friend who has been married more than 40 years and her DH insists they go to bed together every night which is always when he wants to go! Too bad if she wants to watch late TV !

HelloDulling · 16/08/2020 22:12

Hang on, wait, what?? I assumed you meant he wanted to go to bed early for sex. You have to go to bed at the same time as each other every night? Even if it’s 8:30pm when he wants to go to bed???

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2020 22:12

Then just say to him you go up, I’ll come up later. That’s batshit that he wants an early night so you need to go to bed, so controlling too.

PrayingandHoping · 16/08/2020 22:13

He doesn't want windows open when u are in the house??? He needs to get a grip on life! Don't apologise to him for that.... talk through it and make him realise he's being ridiculous and u won't abide by silly family rules he may have.

I also wouldn't tolerate someone telling me when I have to go to bed.....!

Do u feel your opinion is listened to evenly over other things?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 16/08/2020 22:15

You're not his child, he doesn't get to tell you when you go to bed. Would i fuck put up with that nonsense.

If you want to stay up late/have an early night, do you get to say "we're going to bed now" or do you always have to go when he wants to?

Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:15

@oldbutstillgotit I think it's silly too, I think his parents did it whereas mine didn't. If I don't want to go to sleep at that time (which I usually don't, I tend to have trouble falling asleep) I get into bed with him for half an hour or so and then get back up and potter about in the spare room/my craft room or Mumsnet or read until I want to go to sleep.

OP posts:
Stella8686 · 16/08/2020 22:15

Sorry agree with the 'odd' simultaneous bedtimes.

Regarding the argument it's got out of hand because you were winding each other up. Normal couple stuff. If you've been bored you/ him may be picking fights.

He maybe thought you were dawdling to go to bed

Hopefully it blows over for you

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 16/08/2020 22:16

Find a big open window and shove him out.
Have you a spare room? Would be making it mine permanently.
Then you an go to bed whenever you want.
He isn't your df and you aren't 12...
Is he controlling in other ways?

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/08/2020 22:17

You need to stop apologising. He's basically making you grovel.

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 22:18

OP, I'm not going to lie. Your whole post weirds me out a bit.

If my husband made me go to bed when he wanted, he would get told to fuck off.

The rest of your post just tells me you should try saying it to him on occasion.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/08/2020 22:18

He was BU and dramatic AF in insisting on apologies, then not accepting them. Honestly,?!

And i would also not go to bed at 8.30, just because DH wanted an early night.

PrayingandHoping · 16/08/2020 22:18

[quote StupidArgument]@oldbutstillgotit I think it's silly too, I think his parents did it whereas mine didn't. If I don't want to go to sleep at that time (which I usually don't, I tend to have trouble falling asleep) I get into bed with him for half an hour or so and then get back up and potter about in the spare room/my craft room or Mumsnet or read until I want to go to sleep.[/quote]
@StupidArgument in the nicest possible way... that's bonkers!! Why don't u just tell him u aren't tired, it's too early for u, and u aren't going to bed yet?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2020 22:19

Are you his wife or his child? You HAVE to go to bed when he does? That is absolute nonsense. How can you allow him to be so controlling? It's acceptable for him to repeatedly tell you to fuck off? You have far bigger problems than your silly argument.

IWantThatName · 16/08/2020 22:21

Wow. I like to be in bed by 11pm; DH doesn't go to bed until about 1.30am!
Any other little routines he has to have? Is he very 'black and white' generally? Can he cope with change?

Stella8686 · 16/08/2020 22:21

One of the reasons I ditched my ex (not living together)

  1. He kept turning off my sockets on my kettle and toaster
  1. My blind is down in the kitchen overlooking the street. I live in a village people literally wave at me in my kitchen as they walk past if the blind is up.
He kept putting the blind up and I would put it back down. He never said anything until one day he said

'If there's a window in a room I like to be able to see out of it' and pulled it up!

Cheeky fucker!!! Still pisses me off now! Not your fucking house knob head!

Justasecondnow · 16/08/2020 22:21

You’re argument was a daft argument; neither one of you covered yourselves in glory. Strange that you acknowledge what you did wrong and repeatedly apologise but he doesn’t have to acknowledge the shitty things he said too, or apologise.

You may have hurt his feelings but clearly posting on mumsnet suggests he’s got to you too. Why are his hurt feelings the only important ones. This alongside him insisting on bed times doesn’t look great.

Is he normally a good partner?