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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:

Original poster

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:06

I didn't realise the bedtime thing would be so controversial!

DH usually wakes up about 5-5:30am. So normally we move to go up to bed about 9pm, it takes about half an hour for us to sort the dogs out, lock up, make sure kitchen is tidy, shower, wash, etc. At 9:30 we'd both be in bed, and DH likes to watch TV while he falls asleep. We normally turn the TV off about 10pm, and DH is usually asleep by then or falls asleep straight away.

I struggle to fall asleep, always have, so I will read, go on my phone or if I'm really not feeling tired I'll get up. DH can sleep with the TV or lights on.

Is it really that weird? I never thought of it as that weird, a bit annoying sometimes but not that weird, but now I'm typing it out and thinking about it, maybe it is weird? Like I said, his parents always go to bed at the same time as each other, his mum will fall asleep on the sofa downstairs while his Dad finishes watching a film and he'll wake her up to go up to bed.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 16/08/2020 23:08

It is weird, 9.30 obviously isn’t your natural bedtime. Would I fuck go to bed then.

Why are you up so late tonight then?

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:11

Is it really that weird

Yep.

Why don't you try, just for a change.. tell him after the dog routine that he can go up and you'll come up when you're ready.

Shower a bit earlier type of thing if that's your bag. Shake it up a bit.

Dullardmullard · 16/08/2020 23:12

What would he do if you said no not coming to bed yet

Shizzlestix · 16/08/2020 23:13

No way would I go to bed at that time, it’s crazy. If I don’t want to go to bed at the same time as my dh, I don’t. Took me a long time to make him understand that we don’t have to synchronise (!!) but if I’m off work, I don’t want to necessarily go to bed at 11 if I don’t have to be up early.

Original poster

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:16

@Nicknacky

It is weird, 9.30 obviously isn’t your natural bedtime. Would I fuck go to bed then.

Why are you up so late tonight then?

I'm watching Gilmore Girls and knitting in the spare room. I didn't get into bed when he did, I just came in here out of the way when he was still mad at me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2020 23:17

Is it really that weird?

It's extremely weird when that's not what both of you want to do. If you're perfectly happy doing that, it's fine, but clearly you are not. For him to insist on it is beyond controlling, and for you to allow him to control you like this is sad and worrying.

Chocolate1984 · 16/08/2020 23:18

I thought the YABU was going to be about him forcing you to go to bed. Bed time is ridiculous and he is being unreasonable swearing at you and making you grovel.

TokyoSushi · 16/08/2020 23:19

But if you look at your last post, it's all about him. He wants to go to bed, he gets up at 5, he wants to fall asleep with the TV on.

What about YOU OP? What do YOU want to do? Because that's what you should be doing!

I fear this thread might have opened a bit of a can of worms for you, hope you're ok

Original poster

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:19

@Dullardmullard

What would he do if you said no not coming to bed yet

I'm not sure what he'd do actually. We've been together a long time, I've always just done it. I'm trying to think if I've ever not done it, and I don't think I have. Not recently anyway. I think he'd probably not say anything if I did it once, but if I did it a second time or tried to do it regularly, I can imagine him guilt tripping me into going at the same time as him.

OP posts:

BubblyBarbara · 16/08/2020 23:21

If you don’t even go to bed at the same time you’re more like room mates than a couple to me

Karwomannghia · 16/08/2020 23:25

I totally thought it meant let’s go to bed bed and you saying I’ll be up in a bit made him feel rejected and thus snippy about the windows and the rest. But it seems it’s not about that’s and now I’m just confused.

Original poster

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:26

@Karwomannghia

No, it definitely wasn't a sex thing.

OP posts:

Feelingconfused2020 · 16/08/2020 23:26

It sounds like he is controlling and you are so used to it you have forgotten what normal is.

This isn't normal.

trevorandsimon · 16/08/2020 23:27

He can only guilt trip you if you let him. Its YOUR choice. He can say come to bed now, you say no. He will start some crap about how you always have and why not now and you can say you just dont feel tired so you'll stay up. There, just do it. TOMORROW. Be your own person.

Feelingconfused2020 · 16/08/2020 23:27

I totally thought it meant let’s go to bed bed and you saying I’ll be up in a bit made him feel rejected

Would that make it ok? Sulking is ok when you want sex is it?

NoProblem123 · 16/08/2020 23:28

This is an excellent opportunity to shake things up a bit - tomorrow night go through your lockup/dogs/shower routine, then say ‘actually I’m just not that tired, I’m going back down for a large glass of wine and a film’ - then report back to us on how that goes

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/08/2020 23:28

I'm watching Gilmore Girls and knitting in the spare room. I didn't get into bed when he did, I just came in here out of the way when he was still mad at me

Why don’t you go downstairs?

I am presuming you don’t have children. If you did you would be still putting your children to bed after dh had gone to bed.

Dp used to get up at 4-30am to go to work (3 hour commute)
At 8.30pm he had only just got home from work.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/08/2020 23:29

What's wrong with having upstairs windows open when you're in the house? I leave inaccessible ones open when we're out too!

He was an arse and needs to apologise to you. You need to stop apologising to him. He was being a Brian. He was clearly feeling irritable and looking for a chance to snap at you.

The bedtime thing - it's like you're his pet, or his teddy bear. Sure, if you're going up for sex that's one thing. I do also understand generally going to bed at the same, to go to sleep together, it's companiable and no-one disrupts the other. But that only works if you're both comfortable going to bed and sleep at the same time. When one of you wants an extra-early (or late) night, that's another matter entirely.

All this long kerfuffle of going up, getting into bed, watching TV, getting out again... FFS you could do a degree in the time that takes! Literally. You could do an OU degree in 2 hours a night. Then sleep when you're tired. What a waste of life your routine sounds.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/08/2020 23:31

@Stella8686

One of the reasons I ditched my ex (not living together)

He kept turning off my sockets on my kettle and toaster

My blind is down in the kitchen overlooking the street. I live in a village people literally wave at me in my kitchen as they walk past if the blind is up.

He kept putting the blind up and I would put it back down. He never said anything until one day he said

'If there's a window in a room I like to be able to see out of it' and pulled it up!

Cheeky fucker!!! Still pisses me off now! Not your fucking house knob head!

Hahaha I feel your revulsion! I once dumped someone for saying “belch” as in “Excuse me for belching”. I couldn’t look at him the same way again.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/08/2020 23:32

Op, you’re not being unreasonable. He was being a total Brian. It’s time for you to dictate your own bedtime ✊🏼

Girlzroolz · 16/08/2020 23:32

Seems to be a lot of you ‘going along with’ things. Nothing ever explicitly stated on either side, just ‘expectations’ from him, and you tying yourself in knots to quietly conform. If you make a change to your behaviour to suit your (normal, adult) self, you suspect ‘guilt-tripping’ will ensue.

How about you instigate a direct, grown-up conversation with him where you let him know your preferences for a bedtime routine (or better still, no routine)? Do it during the day, having looked into positive, assertiveness statements. Formulate your three points, and brook no arguments, swearing or sulking. In fact make THAT one of your points. Remind him you are your own person, not an extension of him, or a clone of his parents.

I promise the sky doesn’t fall in if you express adult feelings out loud, in actual words. Might even be a turning point for both of you. If it goes badly, it’s seriously time for counseling. This is not just a petty argument about bedtime, and these dynamics only get worse with age.

Set yourself up for a better future, where you get the respect you deserve.

notforonesecond · 16/08/2020 23:33

@BubblyBarbara that’s made you sound like a right Brian that has

mathanxiety · 16/08/2020 23:33

Does he guilt trip you into a lot of things you would rather not do?

MrsSugar · 16/08/2020 23:34

Sounds like you both need to just go to bed and forget about it. In the morning you will be glad you didn’t stay up bickering over who’s a Brian n who’s a Doreen

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