AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

[StupidArgument]

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

You are so young. I thought you were going to be about my parents age (60s). I imagine this thread hasn’t gone the way you quite expected, but please do think about what everyone has been saying. Life is too short.

I know oaps who stay up late, throw parties and get drunk. Your DH is young and so are you.

It’s one thing if you want to go to bed at the same time as him but it seems like he wants it more than you..... 8:30pm bedtime though.....my dc went to bed at 9pm.

Life’s too short for boring, forced routines and being picked at over windows.

StupidArgument

He’s controlling you, & probably has been for years. I imagine you’re a mature couple & everything you do is routine, & now you’re bored with the situation but have only just realised you’re not happy.

He is normally a good partner yes, he is generally kind and generous but he has his faults (as do I)

--

He does have a tendency to like things his own way, and he can never admit fault or to being wrong, he never apologises for anything.

I suspect the first statement was you feeling defensive of your partner because the second statement (which sounds more accurate) is not the behaviour of a nice or kind (or mature or emotionally stable) adult!

It seems that you not happy going to bed at the same time as your hubby and you really shouldn’t have to? Of course you know that the argument was petty but wow that language is really not acceptable. In my opinion the way he spoke to you was really disrespectful and actually quite unnecessary don’t you think?
I am also very security conscious whilst my husband regularly leaves windows open, Keys in locks and lights on and it drives me absolutely crazy especially living in London in a high crime area ( and expensive electricity) . I do have a go at him but the language that your husband used and the way he spoke to you sounds a little scary! I really hope that this isn’t your normality and that this was just an off day for your hunny! But no YANBU xx

Do any of these characteristics sound familiar;

• Makes you responsible for how they feel
• Easily insulted
• Sees everything as personal attacks
• Totally goes off about small irritations
• Looks for fights
• Blows things out of proportion
• You’re at fault for everything that goes wrong in the relationship
• Puts down everyone you know
• Makes it difficult for you to go to school or work
• Pretends to be concerned for your safety or your productive use of time
• Acts like you do not have the ability to make good decisions
• Becomes extremely angry when late
• Constantly questions who you spend your time with, what you did/wore/said, and where you went
• Makes you ask permission to do certain things

newdirectionsshelter.org/red-flags-of-abusive-relationships/

You're 33 and 35?! My god, I assumed much much older than that and even then it sounds so regimented and stifled and on his terms. You're allowing him to pressure you into effectively acting like a mum pressured into never letting their baby self soothe to sleep alone. Him being the baby in that set up. Bloody hell, I'm starting to wonder if your DP's name is used in vain in Brian's house too as he sounds just as odd!

Is he really stingy? Like he doesn't want you sitting up wasting the heating/electricity/gas etc if he's in bed? Or is he afraid of giving you any freedom...

33 and 35, together 15. So this has been your life since you were 18. All your adult life, being told when to go to bed. By, frankly, a Brian.

"I really thought I was going to get torn apart for being silly and childish and I feel like I'm trying to keep things light hearted but I feel a bit sick."
Sorry about the sick feeling @StupidArgument. Many of us have felt it at some point in our lives. I always think of it as the 'can't see the wood for the - oh!' moment. You've been sitting in the middle of the trees. Everyone else here is uninvolved in your life, only know what you have told us. We're far enough away to see the woods, and we tell you what we see and suddenly - so do you .

You're 33. Big wide world out there. Around 50 years or so to see it in. How do you want the rest of your life to be? When you think of your future, what do you expect to be in it?

StupidArgument
I’ve just seen that you’re both in your 30’s, I’m shocked I thought maybe 70s. You have my sympathy living the life you have.

I, too, thought a much older couple. You're my age! This is no way to live your life.

I'm 33 and DH is 35. We've been together 15 years.

Fucking hell, op. I would have bet my house your husband was in his 50's and you not far off. Sadly, I think you have been so conditioned by his controlling behaviour that you don't even know what normal or healthy is. He nitpicks where you put your keys and how you lock a door, as though you're a daft child. You have a set bedtime, controlled by him, like a child.

Your life doesn't have to be like this, and I fear he is only going to get worse as you get older.

He controls when you go to bed, to the half hour.
He sulks.
He expects you to get "hints".
He belittles you in your own home.
He blames you for things that are daft or that he also does.
He swears at you.
He makes you sound like the bad guy.
And you're still the one apologising over and over again?

You hurt his feelings my arse. He's pissy you're standing up for yourself and pulling him up on his ridiculous behaviour.

[quote StupidArgument]@oldbutstillgotit I think it's silly too, I think his parents did it whereas mine didn't. If I don't want to go to sleep at that time (which I usually don't, I tend to have trouble falling asleep) I get into bed with him for half an hour or so and then get back up and potter about in the spare room/my craft room or Mumsnet or read until I want to go to sleep.[/quote]
OP, this is what some of my friends do with their young children to get them off to sleep.

Your DH is essentially a giant toddler.

Is it often that you/he try and minimise/disguise his anger with "hurt feelings"?

OP, I'm not going to lie. Your whole post weirds me out a bit.

If my husband made me go to bed when he wanted, he would get told to fuck off.

The rest of your post just tells me you should try saying it to him on occasion.

This. What a self-centred twat he is.

@Karwomannghia you didn't say that. I was probably being unfair. the sulking over sex is a pet hate of mine. I think I'd prefer Brian to a silky sex pest.

Op please think about whether you are happy. Are you.living the life you want to be? This is your only life. You are getting on for halfway through it. I won't make any assumptions about what you want but please use this as the chance to reflect yourself.

[quote Feelingconfused2020]@Karwomannghia you didn't say that. I was probably being unfair. the sulking over sex is a pet hate of mine. I think I'd prefer Brian to a silky sex pest.

Op please think about whether you are happy. Are you.living the life you want to be? This is your only life. You are getting on for halfway through it. I won't make any assumptions about what you want but please use this as the chance to reflect yourself.[/quote]
A silky sex pest doesn’t sound all that bad

No, he doesn't to be fair.

That's one of the things I would address when you're both calm. Don't let anyone get comfortable speaking to you like that.

Its shocked me reading that you're in your 30s..... I was guessing late 50s at least.
You also sound far from happy.

@lottiegarbanzo, interesting what you said about OP being treated as her husband's teddy bear. Patricia Evans' lifesaver book "Controlling People" uses a teddy as a central analogy for how controlling people view their partners e.g. teddy does not have a mind of its own or any desires/feelings/preferences etc. Teddy automatically knows at all times what the controlling person wants/means etc. and if Teddy ever strays from this, the controlling person feels threatened and angry because Teddy is an inanimate object who has no business straying from the script in the controller's mind.
@StupidArgument, i think I know the sick feeling you are talking about. For me, it first happened a few years ago when I read that Patricia Evans book and realised she was pretty much describing my (now soon to be ex) husband. Married for 20 years and we always went to bed at the same time. If I ever suggested differently, he would make a huge deal about how selfish I was being because I would disturb him when I came upstairs, blah blah. He would then proceed to sulk and give me terse one word answers to show his displeasure. Total and absolute narcissist, as someone mentioned upthread. Mine ticked off most of the boxes on the list that @Thelnebriati wrote, but because of the nature of this type of behaviour, it didn't occur to me how abnormal it all was.

It's strange way to be living, bed at the same time, niggling and arguing about windows and doors, having to apologise for piddling little things, and your partner can't take a joke about the Brian, when he already knows it's a family joke.. How sad !

Oh, lovely, you are so young!

I know it must feel quite disconcerting to read all these very similar responses, and now you’re feeling sick. That’s understandable. It’s your life, and you and he have been together for so long.

We all - individuals, couples, families - have our particular kind of ‘normal’ and that’s great. What’s not great is when that ‘normal’ is decided and enforced by one person and the other(s) have to go along with it whether they really want to or not. This thread is giving you an insight into how one-sided the ‘normal’ in your marriage is, and how you could live very differently, on your own terms, making your own and shared decisions about what you do and when you do it.

One thing Mumsnet is great for is supporting women as they work through thoughts and feelings about their relationships and how they live their lives. It would be a good idea to move this thread to Relationships, or start a new thread in Relationships. You’ll find focussed support and advice on that board.

Please stop banging on about thinking this is the behaviour of a couple in their 50s/60s. It’s insulting as it simply isn’t true.

You should be able to go to bed when you want to - why in earth are you regularly going to bed the same so time only to get up after he has dropped off. What are you, his comfort blanket or something? And going to bed so early? Why?

And why are you spending so much time going to bed? An hour? We check if the dog needs another wee, turn off the lights, lock the doors (without complaining about how someone draws the bolts) and go to bed. I shower in the morning. Do teeth, quick wash. Bed. Ten minutes should do it.

Jesus. Someone missed their nap and was cranky at bedtime.