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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 16/08/2020 22:38

Well if the cap fits and all that it certainly seems that Brians cap fits your husband very well. Not only is he a Brian he's a controlling Brian. Insisting you go to bed the same time as him is not on. Does he think you cannot be trusted to lock up the house at night? Like you're a bloody child who can't think for themselves.

Nicknacky · 16/08/2020 22:39

Why are you being his sleeping aide? And what time does he get up?

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:39

@notforonesecond

I can’t believe you apologised to him!

If my DH was being that much of a pillock (never mind telling me when I had to go to bed) he’d be getting his birthday cards addressed to Brian for the rest of his life. I’d be making friends call him Brian. I’d be getting him personalised gifts with “hi I’m Brian and I love a closed window” written on them. Bloody hell.

That did make me laugh, not sure I'd be brave enough though Grin
OP posts:
Janus · 16/08/2020 22:42

What the heck?!!! I cannot get my head around going to bed at 8.30 unless you want to?? Why one earth do you need to go to bed at the same time, it would be ‘night, see you in the morning’ in our house!!

TokyoSushi · 16/08/2020 22:42

OP! This is bonkers! Maybe you can't see it but your DH sounds really controlling. Why on Earth would he start an argument over an upstairs open window?! And the insisting that you go to bed at the same time as him, even at 8:30pm, that's ridiculous! I suspect your DH has a lot more in common with Brian than he thinks which is why he was annoyed when you pointed it out.

My DH gets up at 5am for work, he goes to bed around 9:30pm. I literally never go with him as I'm a night owl, I would hate to be forced to go to bed when I wasn't ready.

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 16/08/2020 22:42

I can't remember the last time I went to bed at 9pm unless I was ill. And certainly not because dp wanted me to

Your dh would hate to stay in our house. It's hot windows need to be open.

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:42

@firsttimemummy33 that's so awful, I'm so sorry Flowers

OP posts:
Pobblebonk · 16/08/2020 22:43

Unless there is something really terrible about Brian, I can’t see what’s so dreadful about calling your DH Brian. As I understand it, basically you were saying he was being a bit of a pedantic twat about the windows, which is hardly the worst accusation you could have thrown at him. His reaction was massively over the top.

mathanxiety · 16/08/2020 22:43

Likes things his own way, never admits fault, and never apologises..

He is seriously up himself, and his conduct tonight including the coarse language was truly horrible.

This is how controlling people behave

Regularsizedrudy · 16/08/2020 22:44

So... he called you a bitch, told you to fuck off.. and yet you’re the one apologising?
He sounds very strange and controlling.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2020 22:45

He does have a tendency to like things his own way, and he can never admit fault or to being wrong, he never apologises for anything.

You're married to a narcissist.

Quartz2208 · 16/08/2020 22:46

I think you really do need to look at the fact he makes you go to bed at the same time and you get up after

Everything in your argument is him not getting his way - that isn’t a good partner. I bet now the only way this will end is you apologising

Prettybluepigeons · 16/08/2020 22:47

This is completely bonkers. 8.30pm bedtime????
And you have no say in this?

Phbq · 16/08/2020 22:47

My sister was married to a man who insisted they go to bed at the same time, she’s now dead and he’s in prison

The mind boggles...

Angelina82 · 16/08/2020 22:49

Your husband is making a mountain out of a molehill and it’s him that should be apologising to you for nit picking, telling you to ‘fuck off’ when you’re trying to apologise for fuck all, and controlling what time you go to bed. My God woman, why do you let him treat you like this?

Titterofwit · 16/08/2020 22:51

Dh has gone to bed before me for most of our lives together. Occasionally I go first but he wakes me up by just moving around getting undressed so I prefer him to go first. Plus he now goes earlier than I would like to go.
I cant even conceive of DH even suggesting it to me actually. And if he did he would get pretty short shrift from me.

AriettyHomily · 16/08/2020 22:53

Why don't you go to bed. When you want? Has he put you in some weird 830 curfew?

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:53

@Pobblebonk

Unless there is something really terrible about Brian, I can’t see what’s so dreadful about calling your DH Brian. As I understand it, basically you were saying he was being a bit of a pedantic twat about the windows, which is hardly the worst accusation you could have thrown at him. His reaction was massively over the top.
DH doesn't like him, and they fell out recently. To be fair, Brian isn't really a very nice person to be honest.
OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 16/08/2020 22:53

How early does he need to get up that he has to go to bed at 8.30pm?!? My kids aren't even in bed at that time!

And as for insisting you go to bed whenever he wants to go Confused

CasuallyMasculine · 16/08/2020 22:54

@BruceAndNosh

Life sounds very exciting in the OPs house
I was thinking the exact same thing Grin
KatharinaRosalie · 16/08/2020 22:55

To be fair, Brian isn't really a very nice person to be honest.

Your DH does not sound very nice either, to be honest. Controlling your bedtime, swearing at you, making you grovel..

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 22:55

@Angelina82

Your husband is making a mountain out of a molehill and it’s him that should be apologising to you for nit picking, telling you to ‘fuck off’ when you’re trying to apologise for fuck all, and controlling what time you go to bed. My God woman, why do you let him treat you like this?
I don't know.
OP posts:
GabsAlot · 16/08/2020 22:56

does he know u get up again op-my dh goes to bed all times shift worker would he make u go to bed if he done nights aswell

BreconBeBuggered · 16/08/2020 23:02

Christ, OP, I told my DH he sounded like Michael Gove earlier. Gove surely is a worse insult than Brian? Like a normal person, he had a bit of a think and conceded that maybe he'd gone a bit too far. If he'd told me to fuck off he'd certainly have been off to beddy-byes alone, possibly with my boot in his arse.

Crinkle77 · 16/08/2020 23:05

@BornInAThunderstorm

Your Dh sounds like a controlling twat tbh
Yep my sentiments exactly.