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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH over this petty argument?

985 replies

StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 21:57

For background, DH has a brother in law, Brian, who is quite pedantic, he likes things his way, he doesn't like windows or doors open or unlocked, even in the recent hot weather.

DH and I today have had a nice day, went for a long dog walk and made a nice dinner, watched a film etc but towards the end of the day we were both feeling a bit bored.

DH asked if we could go to bed early tonight, it was 8:30, I said fine shall we finish watching this program and go up at 9? He said "I have to be up really early" so I said should we just go up now then, but I was slightly irritated because we ended up having a conversation about it with him being a bit funny with his answers to me and me having to guess what he was hinting at instead of just saying "can we go to bed now as I have to be up really early".

Then, I was locking up and he had a moan at me about where I put my keys for the night and that I shouldn't put them there, I should put them there instead, and how I didn't lock the bolt properly. I didn't really say anything to him about it in reply.

He went upstairs before me, and as I was walking up he called to me "I wish you'd be a bit more security conscious" and I said "what do you mean?" and he said "you've left all the windows open up here". Five windows are open, 3 are just on the latches so can't be opened more, one was fully opened by him and one by me. I told him this and he started saying "don't come crying to me when someone robs you" and I just snapped and said "sorry, Brian"

He called me a sarcastic bitch and then he called me "Doreen" - my Mum's name. He said it was disgusting that I'd called him Brian and that I'd really hurt him. I said "Look, I'm sorry I called you that--" and he cut me off and said "you need to apologise to me". We got into a stupid, petty argument then with him saying "you need to apologise to me" and me saying "I just did" over and over, and writing all this down it just sounds absolutely ridiculous. He told me I can fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology and went to get in the shower. I changed the bed sheets and when he came back I apologised again but he still told me to fuck off and that he doesn't accept my apology as I really hurt him. I left him for half an hour watching TV in bed while I came in another room and then tried apologising again but he said the same.

I do feel bad now for saying that as I only said it because I was annoyed and my temper flared, but I felt like I had kept my cool about the stuff before and having a go about open windows, when it is still warm and stuffy here, it just pushed me over the edge and I snapped at him.

AIBU or is he? Or are we both just BU and childish? He's gone to sleep now, what should I do in the morning?

OP posts:
cookbook2000 · 16/08/2020 23:35

I'm so sorry but the whole Brian thing is making me crack up 😂😂

TeamLannister · 16/08/2020 23:35

How old are you both? And are you ever assertive with him or tell him no? It sounds like he's a controlling shitbag.

Feelingconfused2020 · 16/08/2020 23:36

If you don’t even go to bed at the same time you’re more like room mates than a couple to me

@BubblyBarbara are you actually the ops partner?

Let's be clear it doesn't matter what you think, or what the ops partner thinks, or what her partner's parents think, it's the OPs life, her only one, and if she wants to go to bed after 8.30 then she should.

Op you have used the words boring or bored so many times in your posts. Do you crave something more? To be honest I wouldn't blame you, he doesn't exactly sound like he's much fun.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:36

@Oliversmumsarmy you're right, we don't have children.

I don't go downstairs mainly because of the dogs, I don't want to have to let them out again and risk them barking etc but also because I like it where I am, I have it set up as a craft room and I can watch Netflix on my computer if I want to or I have a comfy chair to read or knit in

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 16/08/2020 23:36

He sounds controlling. Everything about your posts screams controlling to me. I bet your could think of loads of stuff he’s controlling about OP.

And yes to the PP who said abusers jump on the tiniest thing to have a go in rider to deflect their unreasonableness onto you, and it’s only reinforced by the fact that he’s now making you grovel.

Bloody hell OP, you’re a grown woman and he’s treating you like a child. You deserve to be respected, not treated like a naughty toddler.

AppleCinnamonSlice · 16/08/2020 23:36

I think in this kind of situation context is key, for example is this a pattern of controlling behaviour? Was it a one because you were both in bad moods and a bit of nit picking turned into an argument?
Do you feel that you need to have a think about your relationship?

Or did you just want to come on and have a rant because your DH has annoyed you ?
(There’s nothing wrong with that by the way!)

Also worth remembering that posters read other posts in the context of their own lives/experience and tend to respond with that in mind. (I do it as well!)

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/08/2020 23:37

Bloody hell autocorrect and typos. Don’t tell Brain, or the OP’s husband.

BluebellsGreenbells · 16/08/2020 23:37

@BubblyBarbara that’s made you sound like a right Brian that has

Maybe Bubblybarbara is Brian’s sole mate?

I don’t know anyone who goes to bed at the same time as their partner. I never have. Married nearly 20 years.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:37

@lottiegarbanzo What a waste of life your routine sounds.

Reading that was like a punch in the stomach. It is a waste of life, I'd never thought of it like that but you're right.

OP posts:
TeamLannister · 16/08/2020 23:38

Also I keep picturing Brian from Coronation Street, who I quite like even though he's a bit of a pedantic arse as well.

Whatisthisfuckery · 16/08/2020 23:39

I did it again. FFS. I haven’t even had a drink.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/08/2020 23:40

Your craft room sounds nice. Why not kiss goodnight and go straight in there when you go upstairs? You don't need to act as his comfort blanket first. That's the odd bit, your doing that when you're not actually ready to go to bed.

Karwomannghia · 16/08/2020 23:42

@Feelingconfused2020

I totally thought it meant let’s go to bed bed and you saying I’ll be up in a bit made him feel rejected

Would that make it ok? Sulking is ok when you want sex is it?

Now where did I say that? I meant I just got the wrong end of the stick as to what the story was actually about.
Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:43

@AppleCinnamonSlice

I think in this kind of situation context is key, for example is this a pattern of controlling behaviour? Was it a one because you were both in bad moods and a bit of nit picking turned into an argument? Do you feel that you need to have a think about your relationship?

Or did you just want to come on and have a rant because your DH has annoyed you ?
(There’s nothing wrong with that by the way!)

Also worth remembering that posters read other posts in the context of their own lives/experience and tend to respond with that in mind. (I do it as well!)

I feel like I want to answer "yes" to every question you asked.

I do think it was a bit of nit picking that turned into an argument, but it is a pattern that has been repeated throughout our relationship. I don't know how to seperate everything, he can be a bit bossy sometimes but he's not mean to me, I did just want to have a rant but I am quite surprised that most people have said a similar thing, I really thought I was going to get torn apart for being silly and childish and I feel like I'm trying to keep things light hearted but I feel a bit sick.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 16/08/2020 23:46

...his mum will fall asleep on the sofa downstairs while his Dad finishes watching a film and he'll wake her up to go up to bed.

This is very bad for her sleep hygiene and ultimately her health.

Does she not feel free to go to bed when she feels tired and leave her H to finish the film or TV show (which she is clearly not interested in)?

HolyPillow · 16/08/2020 23:51

OP, are you both about eighty? I suspect you aren’t, or anywhere near it, but a lot of this sounds like the kind of routine-bound petty fussiness of two quite elderly people who are stuck in an iron-clad routine, and worry about draughts, burglars etc etc.

Gomezzz · 16/08/2020 23:52

I wouldn't be grovelling to someone who called me a bitch and to fuck off. Does he talk to you like that often?

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:52

@BubblyBarbara

If you don’t even go to bed at the same time you’re more like room mates than a couple to me
I have my own bedroom and a pretty happy marriage Grin it's weird as fuck to share a bed with another adult to me. They have their place for some lovin...but sleeping apart is definitely beneficial.
Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:54

@Gomezzz

I wouldn't be grovelling to someone who called me a bitch and to fuck off. Does he talk to you like that often?
No, he doesn't to be fair.
OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 16/08/2020 23:55

@HolyPillow @TeamLannister

I'm 33 and DH is 35. We've been together 15 years.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 16/08/2020 23:56

Please do not apologise anymore or entertain compensating for his bullish behaviour.

He is very very lucky. By now, I would have every window open, music playing loudly and I would be swigging vodka from the bottle as I dragged the hose up the stairs to give Brian a wake up call.

Thehop · 16/08/2020 23:56

@gamerchick I would love seperate rooms, but dh won’t hear of it

Member · 16/08/2020 23:58

Has he got to be up earlier than normal for him/why did he say he needs to be up early? Has he got something big/different going on that he could be on edge about so has gone OTT on control one other areas?

Other than that, I agree about asserting your wants re bed time

gamerchick · 16/08/2020 23:59

[quote Thehop]@gamerchick I would love seperate rooms, but dh won’t hear of it[/quote]
See I don't get this, I'll never get it. What's it got to do with him if it's something you would love? I love my room, it's like a giant hug when I shut the door. Decorated to my taste and no man trace at all in there.

Someone telling me I wasn't allowed just doesn't compute at all.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2020 00:01

@StupidArgument really that young. From your posts I had a couple in their late fifties early sixties at least

This isn’t normal the pandering to him all the time

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